So on Sunday I got a heartbreaking text from my mother three hours in to my shift. My 14-year-old sister D, tried to kill herself earlier that day. I had no idea things were still so bad with her… I honestly just thought that things were getting better for her, she’s been acting so much nicer and hasn’t been causing much trouble for our mom. Maybe she’s been doing that because she had this planned out, a sudden change in actions or whatever is a sign of suicidal thoughts.
D and I have never really gotten along very well, but she’s still my little sister; I watched her grow up from a baby. I’m very upset over this, it ruined my entire day Sunday and yesterday. I just keep thinking about what it would be like if she succeeded, how that would affect my mom, our younger sister A. I really wish I could so something that could help her, but there really isn’t much I can do.
She called me yesterday before I had to go to work, we talked for maybe like 10-15 minutes. She sounds so tired and sick… It really freaked me out, she’s never been like that, she’s always been loud and noticeable. She sounded as if there were more than two people in the room with her she’d completely disappear in the background. That’s so not her, she’s not like that, but it seems like things gotten so bad for her that she is like that now… It’s so weird seeing her like this, even as a baby she’s been out there.
When I talked to her, she told me some of the reasons she did try to kill herself… One is because she’s jealous that my mom and I are both in relationships with men that love us. I think that is a little ridiculous, she’s only 14, a freshmen in High School, she shouldn’t be worrying about that stuff yet. She should be focusing on school, especially since she’s always said that she wants to be a lawyer. She also said it’s because she’s failing, and will have to repeat her freshman year next school year. That’s literally her fault though, because she doesn’t do her schoolwork because she’s too busy talking to boys and having sex with boys. (Now I’m all for knowing who you are sexually, and doing as you please sexually. I just… She’s only 14, and she’s had sex with more people than I have at my age now; and I’ve had my fair share of sexual partners after I was raped.) She’s also said it was because some girls from school were bullying her; for sleeping with one of their friends boyfriends, knowingly.
I’m not trying to make her seem like some whore and/or saying that she’s being over dramatic. I understand that stuff like that can make life very hard, and make you hate yourself, I know I hate myself all the time when I think about all the people I’ve slept with, that isn’t my fiance. It’s just the way she said it all, she made it sound as if it’s everyone else’s fault, that she didn’t bring any of this on herself. I obviously haven’t said anything of this to her, I’ve only said this to my fiance and to you guys reading this. I love my sister more than anything, I just want her to be happy with herself, and to do things that are going to benefit her in the future. I also don’t want her to make the same mistakes I made, because I know how damaging all that can be to your self-esteem. I just really hope she can get through this, I’m so heartbroken that she’s going through this at such a young age…
D is currently in the hospital. When I talked to my mom she said that D will be going into an inpatient program. I honestly think mom should have sent her to one a while ago, she’s been having problems for over a year now. This was bound to happen, at least she’s getting help now though. I’m really hoping that this does help her, and that this doesn’t happen again. I honestly believe that she does try again, she wont fail, cause she’ll know what doesn’t work and find something that will. I don’t want her to die, she deserves to have along life, she just needs to better herself a little and learn how to be happy without the approval of boys.
The way she did it though, I have a feeling that she got the idea from 13 Reasons Why. Both the book and the movie. A few years ago I bought the book for her as a Christmas gift, because she was showing interest in it and I found it at the Thrift Store for only 25 cents. She just recently read the book then watched the show, and then a few days later she tries to kill herself by swallowing a bunch of pills AND cutting herself? I don’t think its a coincidence at all. The thing is though, my mom doesn’t pay much attention to my sisters anymore. So I’m not sure if I should say something to her about it or not. I mean, there is a possibility that I’m wrong. Then again, there’s a really high chance that I’m right, it just seems to make sense, with the timeline and everything.
One thing that really worries me about this is, I tried to kill myself around 15-16. I wasn’t as successful, my family didn’t even find out until very recently when I told my fiance. Now D tried to kill herself at 14, and she got really close to succeeding.. What about my youngest sister A? Depression runs in our family, we have a few family members who’ve also tried to kill themselves, and a few that did. A is only 11 years old.. Just thinking about her doing something like that terrifies me… She’s such a sweet little girl, what if she ends up having depression? She already has bad anxiety… Guess the best we could do is just keep an eye on her and hope that it skips her…