My Opinion On The Diva Cup

      Now that my period is almost over I’m finally going to write this post about my diva cup. This is my second cycle where I used my diva cup and I have a more of a feel of how it works and all of that.

      This is absolutely the best thing in the entire world, for me at least. I always end up leaking when I use a pad or a tampon, even when I use both; especially at night. I’ve always hated using them, but they were free while I lived with my mom since she would buy them all without expecting me to buy any. Now that I live with my fiance I had to buy my own, and instead of doing that my fiance talked me into buying a diva cup. He’s heard me talk about it a few times, I’ve been interested in it for a while now. I just never could find any information about a persons views on it, all I could find was facts about it; and I didn’t want to take a risk because it is expensive and if I didn’t like it and didn’t want to use it would’ve been such a waste of money.

      I’m so glad that I let him talk me into it. This thing has changed my life while on my period so much! I don’t spend as much time in the bathroom like I used to, there’s no more dried blood all over my private parts, and no dried blood getting all over my ass. I also feel my normal amount of confidence during my period, whereas I usually feel extremely self conscious and always check my pants or have someone do it and going back and forward to the bathroom.

      I no longer feel pain like I use to, I could always feel a tampon, it always caused me pain, and it got worse the longer it was in. With the diva cup, I feel nothing except for when I’m putting it in. I feel so much better, it’s like there’s nothing there, I feel like a person who isn’t on their period. Also! My very very favorite thing in the entire thing about it, I don’t EVER smell like period blood!!! It’s amazing, I don’t have that worry anymore, now I know for sure that unless I tell someone no one knows I’m on my period.

      The only thing I don’t like about it so far is that I’m unable to have sex, not like we really have sex when on my period anyways. We do it once in a while, but it’s so  much work to take the cup out to have sex then having to clean everything up and put it back. Other than the sex, it’s perfect and I absolutely recommend it for everyone, it’s the best thing ever; in my opinion at least.

Fixing Things

     J and I talked again, about the DD/LG part of our relationship. I know I made a post saying that we decided to stop doing it, but we talked again and made a compromise. I explained to him how much it helps me and how it makes me feel and he agreed to do it at least once every other week!

     Sure it’s not as much as I’d like to have, but at least he’ll do it even though he isn’t into it… I’m so glad we were able to work something out that made both of us happy. He even said since there wont be so much pressure on doing it that maybe he’ll actually start enjoying doing it!!!

     I mean.. I know getting excited over it might be a bad idea, because he might not like it, but at least there’s a chance. I really want him to want to be a part of this half of my life, and I know that it shouldn’t be as big of a deal; but for some reason it matters a lot to me.

    I think that it’s probably because it’s just something I’ve always done, before I even knew that DD/LG was a thing. Also it really helps me feel safe, and loved… especially when J acts like a daddy to me, I just feel so loved and accepted.. I just want to feel it more often, but I’ll take what I can get.

Need A New Job. Soon.

           J and I are both looking for new jobs, We’re hoping to work at the same place again like we are now. On all the places we’ve applied we put the same exact hours, we have an interview at the same place tomorrow for a Monday-Thursday 7-5 shift at a warehouse. Hopefully we get the job, both of us, we cannot stay where we currently work. Things have gotten so bad there, I mean I always heard it was bad and all that, but my mom and one of my friends from middle school worked there before, granted not the same store, but for the same company, and they never had problems. It might just be the store we work at, but that’s not going to change the fact that we need a new job, soon.

     First off, we need at least 4 or 5 people working until 11 in the Deli to get everything clean for the morning shift, but they only schedule one or two people. Then when thing aren’t clean in the morning, whoever worked that night (usually me and one other person) get “in trouble”. The other week, this one nighttime manager came back to the Deli after my time to leave to check and make sure things are done. I had already clocked out and was leaving, she was going in as I was walking out. I had to go put my apron in the dirty apron pile in the back. When I was leaving I had to pass the Deli, well the manager was standing in the Deli and made me go over to her, so she could yell at me; for like 4 or 5 minutes, in front of customers, until I cried. It was absolutely ridicules.

     This happened to a coworker of mine, not me, but when she told a manager she had to go to the bathroom they kept yelling at her to shut up or she’ll be fired. She ended up peeing herself, in front of coworkers and customers. Then, they wouldn’t let her go home, and made her go buy new work clothes and get right back to work. I think the worst part of that is that, the manager that wouldn’t let her use the bathroom, isn’t even a manager for our department, AND she still has a job there… Like what the hell?

     J? He keeps getting scheduled by himself, for 9  hours, and they never call anyone to come in and help him. They also get very angry with him when he doesn’t get anything done. They’ve also called him, multiple times on his day off asking him to come in because they only scheduled one person and they can’t do it themselves, but apparently he can do it himself… What really bothers us, the other day they called around like 8 AM on our day off together, knowing we were celebrating our anniversary. So when he ignored the call on his phone… They called my phone asking for him. That really pissed me off, because they knew we were celebrating our anniversary and we never told them it was okay to use the others phone number to reach the other. I just find that extremely disrespectful, I’m not his secretary, neither is he mine.

     His manager also calls J a liar and saying he’s lazy, even though he does everything he’s told and does more than anyone else in his department. He’s also noticed that no one else in his department gets yelled at, even though they don’t do as much as him. I’ve noticed the hardest workers in my department get yelled at more than the one’s that barely do anything. The other day they had me working day shift instead of my usual night sift and the one person who is trying to become manage was sitting on her phone, and kept yelling at me to go back and forward from the hot bar, the slicers, and the rotissarie chickens. It was terrible, I had a horrible time trying to keep up with the lines forming at both ends and trying to get the chickens done.

Goodbye DD/LG…

     So J and I had a very serious talk today after celebrating our one year engagement… I mean, I guess I already knew he wasn’t really into the entire time, I just kinda convinced myself he would get into this subcategory of BDSM… Especially when he realized how much it meant to me, how it’s a part of me.. I was wrong, like I am about most things. He said it just drains him, that he feels like a pedophile, he can’t get past it for me…

     I’m the one who usually makes compromises I guess… It’s easier for me than it is for him, I’m used to doing things for people, unlike him. He’s to much of his own person. I don’t want to guilt him into doing it though, then it isn’t real, and I believe that would hurt more than him just not doing it anymore… The little bit that he did do… It hurts more believing this time he’ll actually get into it then just not doing it with him at all… I don’t need a daddy… I can be a little by myself, no rules I guess, yay!

     I am slightly mad though… I was willing to change / uproot my entire life for him… I was willing to follow him around for about 4-8 years while he was in the military before he got discharged… I waited for him patiently while he was at boot camp, and while he was at school, until he came home… Not once did I think about cheating or anything like that… But he can’t do this one thing for me, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. He’s never really actually done something like that… Only things that make him comfortable… Doesn’t he think about how uncomfortable I felt when he joined? When he left? That was the worst 6 months of my life, I hated every minute of it, but I supported him the entire time, I stuck by his side and listened to him and learned things about his branch of the military for him..

     I just feel like my heart shattered and was stabbed a few times. I feel like there’s a hole in my chest and stomach… I honestly thought this time I would get a Daddy… None of my ex’s liked it, he told me he did… He let me get a onsie that says “I ❤ daddy” on it and an adult pacifier… But he just lied, I feel even more alone about this than I was before I told him about it… Now the only person I had in this community isn’t really a part of it…. I have no one now…

     I don’t even know how to be happy without this… It helps me escape from the real world, let’s me forget about being an adult and all the things I have to do, for just a little while… It’s so much harder to do that without a Daddy… There’s no one there to reassure you… Make you feel safe..

     At least he likes the rest of BDSM I guess.. I still have that to help me out a little… Just wish he was actually into the part of me that I feel like I need the most.. I don’t know why this is my favorite part, before I even knew it was an actual thing I liked it, I’ve always been childish, always loved being taken care of… It’s just a part of me, it’s not just a thing I learned about and got into, it’s a part of my personality… And he doesn’t love this part of me… What if he stops loving the other parts of me?

     I mean, I know logically that he never loved that part, so it’s not like he’s falling out of love with me. But… He led me to believe that he did love that part of me… So I guess that’s why it hurts so bad… It kind of feels like I was just abandoned, even though he’s still my fiance and everything… But… He’s not my Daddy anymore.. So I guess in some way I was abandoned… Just only one part of me was abandoned though….

BDSM

      BDSM by itself is a very touchy subject, it’s not something most people will talk about. While exploring my sexuality while growing up, I always believed that it was an evil thing, that only people who hurt others liked that stuff… I guess it’s the way I always heard about it growing up, I brought it up once to my mother when I was 15, because I heard about it in a show about serial killers. Her reaction I’ll never forget, she got all angry; scared the fucking shit out of me. It didn’t help when I look it up, out of curiosity… It made me wet… I imagined it happening to me… I wanted it more than anything, but at the same time I didn’t…. I thought if I ever tried it I would become a bad person, that I would have to hurt people. Well here I am now, at 19, and I practice BDSM with my fiance, and I haven’t purposely hurt one person.

     BDSM has honestly helped me a lot, which surprised me considering my past. I can confirm that I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 or 16, can’t remember if it was before or after my birthday; and I honestly believe I was sexually assulted when I was a lot younger, but I can’t really remember much other than them telling me I can’t call my mom until I stop crying and promised not to say anything. I never did, and I honestly forgot about it for a long time, I only started to remember after getting raped.

     BDSM makes me feel safe and calm, with the right person obviously. I’ve tried it once or twice with one of my ex girlfriends, and that didn’t work very well, I felt very scared and unsafe. With J though, I asked to try it when we first started dating and it was amazing. I loved every second of it, I felt like a whole new me. I felt good, I enjoyed sex! I never enjoyed sex, I was a virgin before the rape, and afterwords I had sex a bunch of times with a few other people. Until J I didn’t enjoy sex, sex was a thing I dreaded, but I did it because I didn’t feel good enough about myself to say no. With J though, I feel good about myself, I feel like I can say no to him. Especially since we brought BDSM into our relationship, it feels like for once in my life I have control over something that happens to my body.

     Sounds weird doesn’t it? Me being a submissive in a BDSM sexual relationship makes me feel like I have control? It’s extremely weird to me, but it honestly does, because he listens to me. If I want him to stop something he will, if I say the safe word. When I want to try something new, he’ll try it, unless it’s something he isn’t comfortable with at all, just like I do sometimes.

     It’s the most freeing thing in the world, now that I know the truth and I do it. I feel like I can completely let go. I enjoy being his little “pet” his little play thing. I like being told what to do and how, I love when he “punishes me” when he “makes” me do things I don’t want to. it’s the most freeing thing in the world to me.

     I don’t fully understand the stigma on BDSM, obviously it’s not for everyone. But it could help others, so why make it seem like it’s such a terrible thing? Not everyone who does it is a bad person, just like not every person who only likes vanilla sex is a good person. The sex you like doesn’t determine the kind of person you are. I think it’s absolutely absurd that other people think otherwise.

Baby Fever

     I’ve honestly had baby fever for the last three years, ever since my first miscarriage. This second time… It really hasn’t helped at all, every time I see a child I just picture that being me with my baby… I feel a stabbing pain in my chest, I feel empty, like a failure…

     I feel as if I was meant to be a mother, I feel it with every fiber of my being. My body doesn’t agree with me though, refusing to carry my child to full term, not getting pregnant. Even though I haven’t used a condom in forever, like seriously? People get pregnant while using condoms and birth control, how could my body be so stubborn?

     I’m also very conflicted about having a child right now… We aren’t exactly in the most ideal situation right now, we both hate our jobs, we don’t have a car, or a license, we don’t have our own home. We live with J’s family, they give us rides to and from work, and when they can’t we take a Uber. The other thing is though… I have a limited time to get pregnant, My doctor has told me I don’t have long to get pregnant, because I have a double mutation in my gene’s, and most people with this, if they do get pregnant, their child usually has some kind of birth defect.

     I know that it’s self-fish to try to get pregnant, especially knowing all the risk of my future child, and the risk for me. Also with our current spot in life, but what if I lose my chance to get pregnant? I do have a small chance of having a child with no birth defect, of being completely healthy like any other person… I want this so badly… I always wanted to be a mother, how is it fair that I get the bad deal of gene’s and it’s next to impossible? There are people who hate kids that can, and do, get pregnant!

     Things are getting a lot better between my fiance and I again, which is good, we want to bring our child into our relationship when things are good. We want them to have a good life, the best we can possibly give them. That might sound wrong, since things aren’t great financially or living situation, but at least they would have a roof over their head, people who would love them… It’s just, there’s a small window, and there’s never the perfect time, some are just better than others. We’ll get there, whether it’s before or after the baby is born. Well, that’s assuming that I can / do get pregnant.

     I want to talk to my fiance about this, but I feel like I’ve already said everything there is to say about it already. There’s no new thoughts then there already was, and I’m very sure he’s tired of hearing the same things over and over again. I know he’ll listen without complaining, and he’ll be supportive, I just feel bad saying the same things over and over again. Especially since I’m sure he’s getting frustrated as well, he seems disappointed every time that stupid pregnancy test says “not pregnant”. I almost cried last time it said that, I can’t tell you if it was because of frustration or sadness though. I feel as if I’m losing hope of ever getting pregnant… How do people do this for  years without breaking? It’s only been a few months and I feel like I’m going to..

     I get so fucking upset when people talk about their children, grandchildren, sibblings, or nieces / nefews. I just get so jealous, these people had their kids. Their having kids, and here I am, trying so hard, and it’s not happening. Why can’t just wanting it hard enuogh make it happen? If only the worlds was like that, but sadly it’s not…

     Sorry for this rant / depressing post, just really hasn’t been much else on my mind…

Love

     On the 31st we’ll be engaged for an entire year. that’s one year of kissing each other, of having sex together, going on dates together, having fights and making up, taking naps together, playing video games together… One year of sending our lives together. We haven’t been together in person for the entire year, he was gone for about 6 months of it… But our relationship never ended, we went on strong until he came home. We’re supposed to be together, or else we wouldn’t of made it through everything we have already.

     There’s been A LOT of ups and downs in our relationship, just like any other relationship. We’ve been in a long distance for 6 months, which also means we were in a military relationship during those 6 months. Those were the hardest 6 months of my life. Especially the first 3 while he was away at boot camp and I could only talk to him through letters… I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy in my life like I was when he came home for good at the end of November. We also been through some pretty bad arguments, along with some slight emotional abuse towards each other, which we are working very hard on stopping. We also went though one thing no couple should ever have to go through, losing a child, and difficulties getting pregnant. We also went / going through him being depressed.

     It’s very hard seeing him depressed, I wish I could make him feel better, but I can’t… It really doesn’t help that I have difficulties with depression also, and I’m going through a good time, I’m happy and want to do things, where he’s at the other side. He sleeps all day, until we have to go to work. or until I get pissy because we’re supposed to be going somewhere but he still hasn’t gotten ready or even gotten out of bed. I’m trying so hard to be patient with him since I know what it’s like, it’s hard though. I’m currently writing this as I wait for him to get up and start getting ready for us to go on our mini golfing date, though I think we’re just going to end up staying home…

     He doesn’t even want to have sex really, he doesn’t hold me the way he used to, he doesn’t kiss me like he used to.. It feels like I’m losing him. I feel like I’m doing something wrong that’s causing him to feel this way, that he isn’t attracted to me anymore… I feel like he doesn’t find me sexy, I get really upset when it comes to sex. He just doesn’t seem into it when we do it anymore, and I always start it. It’s really chipping away at my self esteem.

     I love him so much, it hurts thinking he isn’t attracted to me, or that he’s hurting himself. I just want to take his pain away, I have no idea what to do though. I know there’s really nothing I can do, like there’s nothing he can do when I’m depressed. It just…. It’s frustrating, it’s infurating, I hate it.

My Sister Tried To Kill Herself

      So on Sunday I got a heartbreaking text from my mother three hours in to my shift. My 14-year-old sister D, tried to kill herself earlier that day. I had no idea things were still so bad with her… I honestly just thought that things were getting better for her, she’s been acting so much nicer and hasn’t been causing much trouble for our mom. Maybe she’s been doing that because she had this planned out, a sudden change in actions or whatever is a sign of suicidal thoughts.

     D and I have never really gotten along very well, but she’s still my little sister; I watched her grow up from a baby. I’m very upset over this, it ruined my entire day Sunday and yesterday. I just keep thinking about what it would be like if she succeeded, how that would affect my mom, our younger sister A. I really wish I could so something that could help her, but there really isn’t much I can do.

     She called me yesterday before I had to go to work, we talked for maybe like 10-15 minutes. She sounds so tired and sick… It really freaked me out, she’s never been like that, she’s always been loud and noticeable. She sounded as if there were more than two people in the room with her she’d completely disappear in the background. That’s so not her, she’s not like that, but it seems like things gotten so bad for her that she is like that now… It’s so weird seeing her like this, even as a baby she’s been out there.

     When I talked to her, she told me some of the reasons she did try to kill herself… One is because she’s jealous that my mom and I are both in relationships with men that love us. I think that is a little ridiculous, she’s only 14, a freshmen in High School, she shouldn’t be worrying about that stuff yet. She should be focusing on school, especially since she’s always said that she wants to be a lawyer. She also said it’s because she’s failing, and will have to repeat her freshman year next school year. That’s literally her fault though, because she doesn’t do her schoolwork because she’s too busy talking to boys and having sex with boys. (Now I’m all for knowing who you are sexually, and doing as you please sexually. I just… She’s only 14, and she’s had sex with more people than I have at my age now; and I’ve had my fair share of sexual partners after I was raped.) She’s also said it was because some girls from school were bullying her; for sleeping with one of their friends boyfriends, knowingly.

     I’m not trying to make her seem like some whore and/or saying that she’s being over dramatic. I understand that stuff like that can make life very hard, and make you hate yourself, I know I hate myself all the time when I think about all the people I’ve slept with, that isn’t my fiance. It’s just the way she said it all, she made it sound as if it’s everyone else’s fault, that she didn’t bring any of this on herself. I obviously haven’t said anything of this to her, I’ve only said this to my fiance and to you guys reading this. I love my sister more than anything, I just want her to be happy with herself, and to do things that are going to benefit her in the future. I also don’t want her to make the same mistakes I made, because I know how damaging all that can be to your self-esteem. I just really hope she can get through this, I’m so heartbroken that she’s going through this at such a young age…

     D is currently in the hospital. When I talked to my mom she said that D will be going into an inpatient program. I honestly think mom should have sent her to one a while ago, she’s been having problems for over a year now. This was bound to happen, at least she’s getting help now though. I’m really hoping that this does help her, and that this doesn’t happen again. I honestly believe that she does try again, she wont fail, cause she’ll know what doesn’t work and find something that will. I don’t want her to die, she deserves to have along life, she just needs to better herself a little and learn how to be happy without the approval of boys.

     The way she did it though, I have a feeling that she got the idea from 13 Reasons Why. Both the book and the movie. A few years ago I bought the book for her as a Christmas gift, because she was showing interest in it and I found it at the Thrift Store for only 25 cents. She just recently read the book then watched the show, and then a few days later she tries to kill herself by swallowing a bunch of pills AND cutting herself? I don’t think its a coincidence at all. The thing is though, my mom doesn’t pay much attention to my sisters anymore. So I’m not sure if I should say something to her about it or not. I mean, there is a possibility that I’m wrong. Then again, there’s a really high chance that I’m right, it just seems to make sense, with the timeline and everything.

     One thing that really worries me about this is, I tried to kill myself around 15-16. I wasn’t as successful, my family didn’t even find out until very recently when I told my fiance. Now D tried to kill herself at 14, and she got really close to succeeding.. What about my youngest sister A? Depression runs in our family, we have a few family members who’ve also tried to kill themselves, and a few that did. A is only 11 years old.. Just thinking about her doing something like that terrifies me… She’s such a sweet little girl, what if she ends up having depression? She already has bad anxiety… Guess the best we could do is just keep an eye on her and hope that it skips her…

My Novel

     I recently started working on a novel like a few days ago. I’m not doing very good with it right now, like I’m only seven paragraphs in and I’m already having writers block. I know where I want everything to go, it’s just I don’t know how I want to write it happening. I write in a lot of different styles, and I’m just not sure which style I want to write it in. I’m leaning towards first person, but I started writing it in third person, so I might have to rewrite it all.

     I love writing more than anything I do, well, other than sex with J. I just haven’t been able to write all that much because I can’t read my own handwriting and I haven’t had a laptop since my sister broke mine over a year ago. Now I have a new one though and I can start really writing again! I hate writing on my phone, I can type real fast on it, but it just doesn’t feel official and it makes it very hard for me to want to finish what I’m writing. Writing with a laptop is a lot easier and I usually finish what I’m writing when i write it on a laptop.

     I got the idea from my novel from tumblr post if I’m being honest. My one friend from church (when I went to church like four years ago) posted it saying that it needs to be a book because she needs it in her life. It sounded like it would make a very interesting book, so now I’m writing it! Hopefully it turns out as good as I’m hoping it will. At least I’ll be able to write it at my own pace and make it have the ending I want it to have. I just have to decide how I want to write it, and how I want it to end, oh and have to decide why the love interest can’t die.

     I’m having such bad writers block when it comes to my novel, but I don’t want to give to much away. I’d like to get some help, but last time I got help with writers block, and got some other ideas from a friend they wrote the story and posted it before I finished mine and it was almost the same, just different names and written in their own style. I was beyond pissed off and I have a hard time trusting people with my writings.

     I only really trust my fiance J, but he isn’t very creative so he isn’t that much of a help with writers block. He’s creative when it comes to playing the guitar and singing, but writing? Absolutely not.

Getting High?

     My whole life my family has always made getting high seem like it’s a lot worse than it really is. I had expressed my curiosity for marijuana to my family members, who have all done this before. They made it sound like it was a bigger deal than it really is and made me think it was this terrible thing.

     Recently my fiance and I had tried it together, and been doing it once every few days. I thought that it would be a lot different from it really was. I thought that I wouldn’t be able to control myself, that I would see things, and that overall it would be a big deal. It’s nothing like that at all.

    Honestly, I didn’t feel all that different. I feel less anxious about things that are happening, feel more comfortable living in his mom’s house. I also talk, A LOT and come up with a lot of ideas for a novel I’m currently writing. The first night I laughed a lot, at almost everything J or I said was hilarious, though I haven’t gotten like that since the first night. I also don’t feel as picky when I eat, like I was eating chicken, rice, ice cream, fruit punch, milk, and a chocolate cake thing all at once. None of it bothered me and it all tasted sooo good. I never mix foods like that, I always have to eat it completely separately, not when I’m high though.

       J, he gets really relaxed. He does laugh a lot, especially at things I say when I get all chatty. He also eats a lot while high, though he doesn’t really eat differently than he normally does because he isn’t a picky eater like I am. He does focus on things a lot easier when he’s high. He gets really good at his video games when high, especially when we play together, cause I’m to busy to talking to really focus on the game.

     Like I can honestly understand why people want to make it sound bad because they don’t want their family or friends doing drugs and all that. I can get that, but honestly I don’t see the reason why they would lie about that! If you really think about it, it could make things worse if you lie about it. You go into it thinking it’s going to be a lot worse than it really is, and you find out that everyone has lied to you about it, okay… So what if they lied to you about all those other drugs or dangerous things you wanted to try but were scared to do? I can see how some people think this is a gateway drug, because you fucking lie about it to someone their entire life.

      I’m not going to do any other drugs or anything, defiantly not. I know those things really do fuck you up real bad, I watched my dad destroy his life over that stuff. This is so not as bad as my entire family and some of my friends have made it sound. As long as it’s not overdone, like doing it everyday multiple times, it’s honestly not  problem. Obviously I’ll stop doing it once I’m pregnant, I’m going to do the best I can to take care of my body as best as I can once I’m pregnant.

     Now I don’t recommend people to try marijuana, I’m not saying that at all. I don’t think people should go out and try it all the time. It’s just something you have to decide for yourself. It helps me with my anxiety and with my eating problems, I think I’ve even gained some weight since I’ve started, which is very good since I’m slightly underweight again.

     This isn’t a pro-weed post, pro-drugs, pro anything post. This is honestly just my opinion on what I’ve been told and what I’ve experienced. I’m not saying it’s good or bad for you to do, I’m just saying my personal feelings on how it affects my fiance and I. Now I don’t know how it’ll effect you, if you’ll get addicted, or anything like that. Just need to have that clear so no one gets mad at me or anything at all.