Improving Myself?

Improving Myself?

   All my life I hated how I look but I never really do anything about it. The best I ever felt was when I had a Mohawk in middle school / beginning of high school, because I constantly did my hair (making it so it would stick up or coloring it) and I wore make up. It was dark make up (all black, don’t judge my emo teenage self lol), but it was still make up. Even though I was going through anorexia, I still felt good about myself at the same time because I was putting some effort into my looks (the hair and make up).

   The thing is, I’ve stopped doing both. I either have my hair up in a messy bun, or just laying flat. I threw away all my make up (it was really old, from my freshman year of high school) except the lip stick I wore on my wedding day since I had just bought it that day. I feel like a mess all the time and I always feel so unattractive, and contrary to what my husband thinks, it’s not because other peoples reactions or anything. No one ever complimented or insulted my looks except saying I looked really pretty in my wedding dress. I honestly couldn’t care less what other people thought of me, it’s myself that’s concerned about this.

    I want to see myself as pretty, I was to do my hair and make up like other girls, I feel really feminine lately. I’d also like to wear dresses more often once it gets warm outside. I want more feminine clothes, not just t-shirts and jeans all the time. Thing is, I don’t know how to go about it all.. I’ve never been very good with hair & make-up; and I’m TERRIBLE at matching clothes together, which is a part of autism. Sometimes I really hate my autism because it makes it harder for me to be like other normal girls. I mean, I’m in my 20’s, have no actual friends other than my husband… I’m not good at making friends, but I desperately want them. I keep telling J he needs to ask his friend if him and his fiancé would like to go on a double date sometime that way I can be friends with her (assuming we’ll get along).

   I think that I want to get new eye liner & mascara (that’s the only thing I know how to put on) and maybe some lipstick. I want to see myself as pretty for once in my life. I’m actually at a pretty healthy weight, but I just… The rest of me doesn’t look very good and I have the urge to stop eating again, even though I still want to gain some more weight. I keep thinking, maybe if I work on my appearance more and find myself more attractive I’ll eat more healthy and gain more weight so that I’m actually healthy. Plus maybe if I work on myself more I’ll feel less depressed. I always feel like I’m not good enough or that I’m just lazy. I don’t want to feel lazy and not good enough, I should make more of an effort.

   I mean I know I work in a warehouse and all, that not many people aren’t going to see me. It’s not about other people though it’s about me, like I haven’t even gotten my hair trimmed since before our wedding and the ends of my hair is all fuzzy and damaged. Plus half of my hair is still light brown from when I dyed it a year ago, since it’s taking forever to grow out and I don’t want to cut my hair short again. I want it to stay long, my ultimate goal is to be able to put all my hair into one long braid. I love how braids look but the most I can do is two braids into pigtails or multiple small braids. Plus I’m regretting the bangs I got wwwaaayyyy before our wedding, they’re just taking forever to grow out. They can now be pushed to the side and just looks like I had layers or something but it’s still noticeable sometimes.

   I just need to work on me more… Need to learn how to do that also, I’m super tired of feeling like this. I usually don’t feel so strongly, might be a part of my seasonal depression. Plus it doesn’t help that I’ve been feeling extra bad about the miscarriages and the possibility that I can never have children….

   Plus I’ve been wanting to dye my hair again, maybe red or black.. I really want to do blue or something but J’s mother would NOT be okay with that and since I live with her I have to keep it normal unless I never want to hear the end of it. Just like I have to wait until we move out to get the nose piercing I want and to get the tattoo of the ED recovery symbol with a butterfly on my wrist. Which is irritating, since I pay her $500 but whatever. I’ll get it eventually, and I could get it if I wanted but I know it would come with a lecture and me being super irritated and J and I would end up getting into a fight. So it’s better to wait for those things. But honestly I want red or black hair again, I always looked really nice with it but I can’t decide which I want and I don’t know if J would even like how it would look on me and I do care what he thinks. I haven’t brought up dying my hair to him, because I’m not fully sure if I want to, it’s just been something I’ve been thinking about the last few weeks. Plus it would suck if I changed my mind about it afterwords because I would have to wait for it to grow back out.

   The only thing I’m fully sure I want right now is to start doing my hair in the morning and maybe a little make up. So I’m going to start working on that, and I’m going to keep thinking about the dying my hair thing until I’m 1000% sure it’s what I want.

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Frustration & confusion

Frustration & confusion

    J and I talk about it all the time yet I still can’t get over it. I’m missing being little and submissive again. He hasn’t been keeping up with it, I feel guilty for bringing it up. I know he’s told me before he’s not interested in it but I still want to do, hell, I need it. I need to be little and to be submissive, it’s a part of me, I crave it and it honestly affects my mood when I’m not.

    I know I might sound kind of like a child right now but honestly I just feel neglected. I’m always doing things to make him happy even if it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t enjoy it. He can barely ever tell that I’m just doing it for him, yet he doesn’t do the same for me, and he makes it obvious he’s not enjoying himself when he does do something for me. If I can do it for you why can’t you do it for me?

    The first few months of our relationship he was into it, I got into this relationship under the pretenses that he was into DD/LG & BDSM. It’s not like I want it to be 24/7, I just want it once in a while to satisfy me. Sometimes I just feel like I’m not good enough and I get really depressed. I just really want him to be in daddy space and not make me feel bad for it. I don’t understand why he’s changed his mind on it suddenly and acts like he was never into it. He used to get really into it, just one day he decided he didn’t.

    He claims he feels drained whenever he lets me be in little space and he participates. Thing is, he barely does anything, he mostly just watches me. That’s not what I need… I need him to be involved, I don’t know how to explain exactly what I want him to do, I just want / need it. I try so hard to be a good girl for him, and I’m just not getting what I need back. Now I love J, he’s my best friend and my husband. Sometimes though… When I’m feeling like this… I kind of wish I didn’t enter this relationship or that he was different. That might not be the right way to word it exactly, because I love him with all my heart and soul, I can’t picture my life without him. I just wish he was more involved, that he would try harder for me. I feel like he’s given up on trying to make me happy now that we’re married.

   I just… Sometimes I wonder if he doesn’t like it because he doesn’t know enough about it. He keeps saying something about feeling like he has to literally take care of me. I tried explaining it to him but I feel like I’m either not good at explaining it or he’s just not listening to me. If only he would do research on it so he could try to do something that would actually make me happy and cause a lot less friction between us. I mean, it’s the least he can do since he’s the reason we’re stuck living with his mother, which I hate with every fiber of my being. I tried sending him links to information on DD/LG & BDSM lifestyles but I know he didn’t actually read them because he couldn’t remember a single thing from those articles. It’s really not that hard to make me somewhat happy, I’m already miserable right now, why not do something simple like this to improve things for us?

   I kind of want him to read this post because I’ve noticed if it’s something I’ve written and / or shared with other people he’s more likely to do what I said. I don’t want to tell him to read it or send him a link to it though because I feel like he’ll probably feel like I’m trying to start a fight or something. I have done it a few times lately, but only because I’m miserable and he’s not making anything easy on me lately.

    I don’t know how I ended up being so deeply in love with someone who isn’t like me all that much. I’ve noticed since we’ve gotten married that we both have different needs when it comes to affection and validation. I’m very needy when it comes to both, whereas he doesn’t need it or seem to really want it. It really upsets me, especially when I’m feeling like this. I feel really hurt a lot lately, I kind of feel like he’s doing it all on purpose, which I’m sure is just me being a little over dramatic. Again, I would never leave him, I’m still happy being with him. It’s more of just we’re having trouble communicating on top of everything else at the moment. We were doing really good with communication for a long time but lately we’ve been having trouble with it for some reason. I have a slight feeling it might because I’m so wound up about the DD/LG \ BDSM & living situation that he’s just not listening because I’m so tense and been acting out because of it. I need to really work on that, it’s not helping our relationship at all and I don’t want to hurt our relationship.

   I want us to have a happy & healthy relationship, it’s just really hard when it feels like I’m the only one making compromises lately. Plus it just feels like he isn’t putting effort in us right now. He mentioned once that he just feels really comfortable with our relationship (though I don’t see how when we’re having all these problems right now), It’s not like I’m hiding all this from him, I’ve brought it up multiple times; he might just not realize how serious it is… I don’t know how to get it into his thick skull how serious it is though. I’ve tried a lot of different things and nothing seems to be working, not even trying to demand it, he doesn’t seem to take me seriously.

   I just want things to be better, I don’t like feeling like this. I can’t wait for us to have our own place. It’s hard to have serious discussions that are touchy subjects, I’m always worried his mom or brother is going to hear us and I really hate it when they know what’s going on. I don’t hate them, I just can’t stand living with them. I just need my own space with J but we can’t do that until he has his license, even though he drives without it, his brother wont let him take the care until he has it. He just needs to finish his drive times with driving school before he can actually get his license. I honestly don’t care if we have to get an apartment, I don’t want to live here anymore. I’ve told him that too, I’m not waiting until we can get a mobile home (assuming that I can’t get a loan or something) I’m just waiting until he has his license then we’re out of here.

What The Actual Fuck?

What The Actual Fuck?

      So today I got a very interesting message from someone I didn’t think I would ever hear from again. It’s been like maybe, two years? Since I’ve talked to my rapist. He was my absolute best friend before he raped me. He basically lived with my family and I before we left my dad and moved to MD.

     Weird thing is last night I had a weird dream that my husband left me for one of my past friends in PA. While he was in PA in my dream my rapist showed up at my front door begging me to be his girlfriend. Really weird, I was crying telling him to go away, hit him, felt bad for hitting him, then got mad at myself for feeling bad. I ended up hiding underneath my bed in my dream before waking up.

     I didn’t think much of the dream at the moment, dreams are weird, you can’t control them and a lot of the time it’s just random things happening. Though thinking back on it it’s pretty freaking weird, especially since I haven’t dreamt about my rapist in at least a year if not longer.

     Well today at work I got on my phone on my second 15 minute break and I had a friend request on Facebook, along with a message. Basically he was telling me that I was the best friend he ever had and he missed me and wants to try to reconnect in some way…

     Is this a fucking joke? Like you raped me while I was sleeping, you were supposed to be my best friend, but you betrayed me in the worse way possible. Like he never even acknowledge that he did something wrong before I stopped talking to him years ago after it happened (I did keep talking to him for a short while afterwords).

    Well today I went along with his talking and he basically “apologized” and said he somewhat understood what I’m going through. Also while talking he made it sem like what he did is the reason my life is better today and why his life really sucks now…

     Am I supposed to feel sorry for you or something? Just because my life isn’t complete shit and I’m not a loser like you doesn’t mean my life is good, and even if it’ is it has nothing to do with my rape! I have learned to cope with it! I’m not over it in any way possible. I still have fears when it comes to having sex and I feel very guilty about that, even though it wasn’t my fault at all!

    I just can’t believe that he had the guts to message me, let alone make it seem like I ruined his life. The worse part is that I have him blocked on Facebook, so this means he made a  whole new profile just so he could message me. What even possessed him to do all this out of nowhere??? Makes absolutely no sense once so ever!

Wait Or Look Now?

Wait Or Look Now?

    So since J and I got our new jobs his mother has raised our rent to $600 for our room. I still have to buy my own food and she’s always getting in our business. She also only has J and sometimes I help our around the house. I’m not even sure J’s brother is even paying rent and the only thing he does is clean his own dishes once in a blue moon. We buy bottled water (no one in the house drinks tap water), take out trash, check mail, do our own dishes, ect.

     Plus we have to ask permission to do things, and she wouldn’t let us freeze the top of our wedding cake. J sided with his which really pissed me off because I made it clear it meant a lot to me, but I’m not so upset about that. My problem is that, we’re giving her one of our paychecks (each) every month, and she couldn’t even let us freeze the top half of our cake? It’s tradition, you’re supposed to save it for the first year anniversary! I pay more than enough to be able to decide what I should and shouldn’t be able to do. Plus every time J and I get into a fight she likes to get involved and always makes it seem like it’s my fault. We got into our first fight as a married couple the other day and she basically lectured me telling me I’m a bad wife because I don’t clean or cook enough, especially since we’ve gotten married. I’m sorry, but we were just away for an entire week and I’ve had a terrible cold/allergic reaction since we’ve gotten home from our honeymoon? Plus it’s none of your business how we function as a married couple, it’s our marriage, not yours.

    We have basically no privacy and no say in anything. His brother has more say than we do and he’s either barely paying anything or not paying at all. Also they have J paying $80 for his phone every month. I know for a fact that they have him paying more than it’s worth, I believe they have him paying his moms phone bill also since she doesn’t work and she doesn’t pay for hers. We’re switching to our own phone plan in a few days once my mom switches plans she’s going to give me her old plan (that was mine until she took over when she switched to a smart phone a few years ago).

             His mother been telling us it would take us a few years for us to afford a place of our own. That we would have to have all the money saved up to be able to even look at places. I learned that’s a lie, that we can get a loan as long as we have the down payment saved up. Which I will have in a few weeks, and I’m going to be getting a credit card soon so I can build my credit score because I currently don’t have one. I’m only going to use it for things I have the money for and to pay it back right away, not paying once a month and getting late fees and all that.

    Thing is J and I been saying for a few weeks now we’re going to wait until he has his license to start looking for our own place. But, there’s a mobile home right down the street from us, literally 4 doors down, maybe a two-minute walk from his moms, that’s for sale. I want to go look and maybe get it by next month. I don’t think I can make it living here much longer. especially since the driving school he went  to only makes drive time appointments over the phone and they never answer when he calls. I just don’t know what to do… Think we should get the place first or wait? We already have our own car and he drives by himself already since his family wont go with because he’s already a “good driver” which he is, but still. I figure if we’re already driving around like this mine as well get our own place now. What do you think? I’m losing my mind here.

Wedding/Honeymoon

Wedding/Honeymoon

    So we’re back home from our honeymoon! Let me just say, it was amazing! I loved every second of our honeymoon, we were completely alone and it was beautiful. Though it was really cold, we did go swimming in the ocean and took a romantic walk on the beach late in the afternoon. We checked out every store on the boardwalk, had breakfast at this cute little family owned place, the food was amazing! We talked a lot about our future plans and about the wedding and things like that.

     Our wedding was amazing also, I’ve never felt so happy in my entire life. I can’t believe that it’s finally happened! He’s finally my husband, I’m now married to my best friend! My dad and I did a first dance together, J and his mother had a first dance together. J and my first dance was my favorite though, even though I felt a little awkward with everyone watching us. The entire day felt magical, like it was a fairytale or something.

     So I’m either going to mail my stuff in to get my last name changed on my social security card or do it online if it’s possible; just have to get my marriage certficate from my aunt since she took it down to get filed while we were on our honeymoon. After that I’m gonna go down to the MVA to get my last name changed on my ID. After that it’s just the bank and work I have to change it, which wont be that hard.

    I’m super excited to have my last name legally changed!

Oh I’m also getting my first tattoo today, it’s going to be a heart with J’s name in it. J has one with my name in it, he’s had it for over a year now though.

I Want To Try A Whole Month Of Power Play With J

I Want To Try A Whole Month Of Power Play With J

      So J and I decided to wait to have sex until our honeymoon on the 21st (yes it starts the day after our wedding) which is absolute torture for me; even though I’m the one who brought it up. Our honeymoon is only 7 days away so hopefully it wont e that hard since we work Monday to Thursday this week, and we’re only gong to see each other on Friday at the wedding and we’ll be asleep after the wedding because that is going to be a very busy day.

      J has been way more into the whole BDSM thing lately, he’s actually started initiating it during sex. I haven’t brought it up yet, I decided I’m going to after our wedding, during our honeymoon. I’m really excited, and I hope he is up to it since work is really intense lately. We’ve been working 11 to 12 hour shifts all week, and the managers said it might be staying like this for a while.

     I want to do it with more than just sex though. I want him to be fully dominate, want him to control everything that’s outside of work. I’ve been doing a lot of reading on how it could affect your relationship. I think it could be really helpful for us, especially since we have a lot of problems with our sex lives. Mostly that he doesn’t fully understand how much the power play means to me. Especially since I’m a little and he’s supposed to be my daddy, though we haven’t done a full scene lately.

     He has been dong little things once in a while that made me feel little and was a little daddish. He just hasn’t been fully into daddy space I’m just hoping that he woks on that more, I really miss being little and him be daddy at the same time.

Changes At Work

Changes At Work

    So I work in a warehouse, for the same company as my soon-to-be husband. The only difference is that I work in the other building that deals with the holiday stuff, so I’m technically a seasonal worker. Well today I found out that I’m most likely being changed to a full-time worker at the main building (where J works!) when my building closes after the holidays. So today I went up to the main building to start training (I’m in the same area as J, but we probably will never work in the same mod, we’ll see later on though). I go back again tomorrow for more training, depending on how things are still going at the holiday building (we’re super a head and have barely anything to do over there) I might just end up working in the main building from now on.

     I was really upset at first, I had a mini meltdown last night when they first told me I’d be going to the other building today. As soon as I clocked out and J picked me up I started crying. I was in full on panic mode, there were tears, troubles breathing, thinking of all the bad things that could possibly happen. J and his mom finally were able to calm me down once we got home and he explained to her why I was crying. I was honestly upset this morning also, everything felt wrong and I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t eat breakfast on my first break because it was at a different time than it usually is. I had a really hard time with lunch also because it was half an hour earlier than I usually have it, I managed to eat it all though!

     The job itself though? I absolutely love it! It’s way more repetitive than at the holiday building. Plus it’s a lot less work, no lifting heavy things, no pulling a pallet with you, no making pallets! I was just putting small items in a blue tote and setting it on a conveyor belt! I really hope they keep me at this building, I even got a lot more done at that building then I ever have at the holiday building, and I’d do over 500 tickets at the holiday building! My productivity is defiantly going to be higher than usual if they keep me at this building.

     either way I still see myself working at this place for a long time. If I can help it I think I’d like to work there until I retire or until I die. Unless somehow I can survive being a stay at home mom. Also I was thinking after I’ve ben there for a while I would like to get trained on the equipment that way I would get paid more and it would be nice to have more expierence than just picking if I was to ever have to find anotehr job.