Sister Got Uninvited From My Wedding

Sister Got Uninvited From My Wedding

    I went to visit my mom yesterday and spent the night. When she picked me up she had both my sisters (my sister D lives with dad and doesn’t visit mom much). I was kinda excited because even though I don’t like her much she’s still my sister and I love her. The first two hours went really well, we went to eat at Bob’s Evans than went to Goodwill to look for a desk for D’s bedroom at our dads.

      We didn’t find a desk but we found this really cool chair that she really liked and wanted, it looked kinda like this:

    Sorry for the awkward picture, don’t know how to save pictures on the laptop I have. Anyways, she was really good and nice. After getting into the car she just flips out calling my mom names, being nasty, hitting my mom (who was driving BTW), hit me, tried to hit our youngest sister A. She started screaming things where we could barely even understand what she was saying, crying, she was manic; it was insane.

      By the time we got to moms apartment she was calmed down, she was sitting next to me on the couch and mom was in the bathroom crying. Of course being the idiot I am I told J what was happening through text while we were still in the car, and he happened to just respond to me when she was looking at my phone. He said if she was going to continue hitting everyone he doesn’t want her at the wedding, she flipped her shit. Screaming, throwing things, kicking things, trying to attack our 12-year-old sister A, attacking mom. It was unbelievable, she was out of control, it was like she was possessed by something.

       She ended up texting J from her phone, saying some really hurtful things. Mom got her to get her stuff together to take her home; halfway out the door she turned to me and started calling me a bitch saying she didn’t want to come to my wedding. I made the mistake of responding and said “that’s fine, you’re uninvited” that PISSED her off. She threw a shampoo bottle at me, I ducked, and it hit this glass figure of an eagle that belongs to moms boyfriend (which we later found out his mom bought him right before she died).

      Mom finally got her out of the house and into the car, they left to take her home while A and I cleaned up the shattered eagle. She ended up texting me while in the car with mom, saying these nasty things about how She’s glad I can’t have kids / I don’t deserve to be a mother / hopes that if I do get pregnant I miscarry and just a bunch of stuff like that. That’s when I had enough, I blocked her number, blocked her on Facebook & instagram, and asked my cousin to be my second brides maid. I told my dad not to bring her to my wedding, told my mom she’s not allowed. J agrees with m obviously, since he’s the one who suggested it first. I mean, come on; you’re 15 years old, and acting like a 5-year-old throwing a temper tantrum absolutely ridiculous.

      Mom was gone for maybe half an hour (dad lives about half an hour away) before she called crying. D had bullied her in the car, got out at a red light and went to the side of the road after mom said something mean to her. Mom drove over to where she was on the side of the road to try to get her in the car, she ended up getting in the car, they got in another fight where D ended up hitting mom AGAIN. Think mom might have hit back once, she got back out of the car, mom locked the doors, and guess what D did. She picked up a rock and scratched up the side of moms car.

     After a few minutes mom lets her back in the car, and drove her the rest of the way to dads. She got out of the car but sat on the hood of the car screaming, demanding mom gives her all the cash in her wallet. My mom being the idiot she is didn’t call my dad down from his apartment, no, instead she just gave my sister all $14 she had. D went up to the apartment, smashed her new phone, then started texting mom from her iPod demanding she buys her a new phone. Mom shut off d’s phone service and wont respond to any of her messages, so she’s not getting her way with this. I ended up telling dad about D taking money from mom and he said next time he sees mom he’ll pay her back the $15 and he’s really sorry for how D acted.

     She’s acted up before, but this was beyond anything I’ve ever seen her do before; It was truly terrifying. If she can’t behave herself in an everyday situation I can’t trust her to behave at my wedding. So it’s final, my sister isn’t coming to my wedding, she’s not invited and will be kicked out if she shows up along with whoever brought her with. So now my cousin K and my sister A are my two brides maids, my cousin has to find a dress so we’re gonna go dress shopping on the Sunday after she gets her first paycheck from her new job.

Weed Vs. CBD oil & gummy bears

Weed Vs. CBD oil & gummy bears

       I noticed a few differences since J and I switched from smoking weed to vaping CBD oil and taking gummy bears. I know that the CBD oil comes from the same plant, but it’s very different at the same time. I don’t know much about the details, J knows all that; he’s the one who did the research and decided on the switch.

       I absolutely love the CBD way more than I like smoking weed. First off, I don’t have this weird cotton feeling in my head the next morning with the CBD oil like I do when I smoke weed. I’m also able to think a lot easier, my thoughts don’t get all mixed up like I do when I’m high. I just feel calm and it really helps me sleep, and it’s a real sleep; I don’t feel heavy and I don’t wake up constantly during the night. When I smoke weed I fall into this sleep that makes me feel heavy and I wake up off and on all night.

         I don’t do it that often though, same as how I didn’t smoke weed that often. Though if I”m being honest I do this a little more than I did weed, but it’s like maybe once a week, sometimes twice if I’m having a hard week. Oh I almost forget, it helps me with my back pain, a lot better and faster than ibrophen. Whenever I complain about my back hurting J gives me two or three of the gummy bears and the pain goes away after a while, best thing is that I fall asleep and when I wake up it still doesn’t bother me.

       We still have a little bit weed in our hiding spot but honestly I don’t think it’s going to be smoked anytime soon. J also likes the CBD a lot more than weed. This also helps with my anxiety a lot better than weed ever did. I honestly don’t know how to explain how it really makes me feel. The weed did make me feel better than when I wasn’t smoking it, as in I wasn’t having much back pain and it stopped my anxiety. The thing is though, the CBD; that really helps. It makes it all feel better without making me having a cotton feeling in my head, and it’s easier to think with this instead of when I smoke weed and my head gets mixed up a little.

My New Job

My New Job

     I love my new job, it’s amazing. Today was my second official day working; Monday and Tuesday I had orientation. If you didn’t know, I’m a picker at a warehouse now, we pick things for stores. Yesterday I pick 54 tags for one store, It took me until after my lunch to finish it. After I finished that I started another store that had 85 tags, I got 40 of them done before I had to leave.

      Today I did so much better, I did three stores! I wanted to do a fourth store; but since I’m new to the job I’m not really allowed to stay after 3:00. They had me cleaning up empty boxes since everyone likes to just leave them sitting around taking up space. I accidentally stayed until 3:36 because there’s no clocks and I forgot my watch this morning, I got so into my work I didn’t realize it was so late. No one said anything to me so I don’t think it’s going to be a problem.

      The only problem I have with this job is that there’s only one clock in the entire building. The clock is in the break room and it’s not a digital clock, which makes it even worse! Just to explain I literally cannot read those clocks, I’ve been taught how to read them more times than I can count it just doesn’t stick. Tonight I’m going to get ALL my stuff for work tomorrow together so I don’t forget my watch again. Not being able to read the only clock in the building has made it really difficult to fill out my paperwork that records all the work I’ve been doing, so I defiantly need to take my watch with me.

      For once in my life I actually enjoy my job, I know it’s weird but I really do. There’s routine and it’s simple, full of order, it’s just perfect. This is literally the perfect job for my autistic ass (joke obviously). I never thought I would enjoy a job and be excited to go to work, but here I am, enjoying my job and being excited for work.

       ALSO!!! While at work, I’m not anxious. Usually at my jobs, or school, I’m afraid to do things without constantly asking for reassurance, at this job I feel confident and I have no problem doing my job. I know that I’m just going to get better with time, this is the kind of job I needed! I can’t believe that I didn’t try for this kind of job before and that I was so reluctant to get it.


Weight Gain

Weight Gain

     The last week I have just been laying around at home watching TV and eating. I quit my job at wal-mart and didn’t go back because they were gonna fire me anyways, and since I don’t start my new job until the 11th I decided to have myself a little break. Well I finally gained the weight, I’m only 5 pounds away from what I want to weigh.

      The thing is I’m a little worried that I wont fit into my dress on my wedding day. I only perfectly fit into my wedding dress when I was 127.8 pounds, now I’m 130.4 pounds. Kinda worried I wont fit into my dress, but god I love how I look right now, I’m a lot bigger than I’ve ever been. J seems more into me since I’ve gained the weight; which I absolutely love.

        Even though I still have those disordered thoughts, I absolutely love this feeling I have at this weight. The only thing is, I know once I start my new job I’ll lose some of the weight because I’ll be moving around a lot. I’ll just have to eat more food to keep up my weight.

I May Never Get Pregnant Or Carry Full-Term

I May Never Get Pregnant Or Carry Full-Term

    I’ve only ever did light reading on my double MTHFR mutation, I’ve never really read a lot about it. My mom read a lot more than I did, I really wish that I did read more… I read that it can be difficult to ever get pregnant, and if you do happen to get pregnant it’s basically guaranteed your baby will have a birth defect..

      That’s with just one MTHFR gene, I have two. So I mentioned it to my mom the other day when I saw her.. Apparently it’s next to impossible to become pregnant, and if you do get pregnant you’re most likely to have a miscarriage. Let’s say that I do get pregnant, and carry full-term; There’s no way that they’ll be born without a birth defect. If I do have a child I’m going to be giving them a life that is going to be super hard for them…. Or they’ll suffer for a few week, months, or even a few years before they die…

       Am I making the right decision trying to get pregnant? I didn’t know all this before, but now I have the information… Is it really the right thing to do? To try to get pregnant, knowing what I could be doing to our future children… I keep wondering if the baby I was pregnant with was suffering inside me, I mean I never got an ultrasound or anything, so no one ever seen it… For all I know it could’ve been in pain, I was 4 or 5 months along can’t the baby start feelings things around then? I mean I felt the baby moving around inside me for a sort while.

       I’m honestly upset about this, that’s something I’ve always wanted to have a family, have my own children…. J says he doesn’t care if we have kids or not, but he’s so good with kids and he always pretends my cousin and my sister are his kids, that’s how he’s so good with them. Kids, that’s something that’s been in J and my plans since we’ve started dating; especially since we’ve gotten engaged and the closer we get to our marriage.

Something that still really bothers me is all the people I went to school with that are already pregnant or already parents. A few of them are even younger than me and are getting pregnant and having babies. I understand that mistakes happen, and sometimes afterwards it turns out to be the best mistake of your life… But barely any of them are prepared; I’m more prepared and ready than them but yet I probably will never be able to get pregnant.. Sometimes the world really sucks and is extremely unfair. Guess I’ll just have to suck it up and deal with it..

      I haven’t told J all this yet, all I’ve told him is what I’ve decided. I’ve decided that I don’t want to adopt, don’t want to do foster care, and absolutely don’t ‘want to do surrogate. All of that is so unreliable and cost so much, I rather just not have kids than have to go through that.  There’s always pets, it wont be the same as kids, but it’s the best I could do if I don’t get pregnant and have a baby..

My DD/LG Relationship

My DD/LG Relationship

      I love being little more than anything, but it’s hard to be little when when J isn’t in a daddy mood. I love how it feels when I’m in little space and J is actually in a daddy mood and treats me like his baby girl. I love being his kitten more than anything, how gentle and sweet he can be…

        I miss the feeling of him being daddyish, he hasn’t really been into it for a long time. Recently he has been though sad thing is, I got an ear infection and I’m just miserable. I’ve been getting very grumpy easily and I’ve been getting snippy. Usually I would want him to punish me for being grumpy and snippy but I’m in so much pain that I’m happy he’s letting it slide.

      I really hope that once my ear infection is gone he’ll keep being in a daddy mood. I’ve missed my daddy, and I feel so little lately. Why must the world hate me and give me an ear infection right when he starts waning to be daddy? Ugh

A Letter To My Sister D

A Letter To My Sister D

      You are the most ungrateful person I’ve ever met. Everyone in our family has done everything they can for you, we’ve been there for you no matter what. You’ve never even cared though all you care about is yourself. Mom may really suck, but she’s been there for you, she’s given you more than she’s ever given me. Dad only recently started being there for you, and he doesn’t really care; he’s just trying to prove people wrong.

      You’re such a smart and beautiful girl, I love you so much. Even though I can’t stand you; you’re my little sister and I love you. Ever since you were little you want to be a lawyer but ever since 8th grade you’ve just stopped doing school work and failing. I still can’t believe that they’ve let you move up to high school and now you’re a sophomore in high school.

      You used to be such a nice girl, what happened to you? Now you’re mean and hateful. You hit your mom and sisters. You have sex with guys over 18, post nudes, doing drugs (don’t act like I don’t know, you don’t have that instagram account on private!), you act all grown. You’re literally 15 D, what happened to you? I can’t stand you anymore, I want to scream and shake you.

      You need some sense knocked into. Do you realize what you’re doing is going to affect your future? Your life barely even started and you’re already destroying it. It makes me so angry to see people do this to themselves, you’re following dads example. You’re so stupid, just thought you should know this. Love you.