Fuck My Current Job

Fuck My Current Job

     So I’m beyond pissed off at Wal-Mart right now. So Saturday they had me close, then had me come in at 9AM yesterday so I can train the new person. That person was litteraly the worse I’ve ever met, first off everyone knows that the manager changed my schedule so I specfically am the person who is training them, and they knew that. The entire time I’m training them on the slicers they were saying I’m lying and that I don’t know what I’m doing! I barely got any sleep Sunday night, didn’t get home until 11:30, had to shower and eat, probably ot to bed around 1:30/2AM.

     So yesterday I was supposed to be going home AT 6PM!!! Guess what happened, the one other person who was at work left for their lunch at 5, the idiot decided to leave the store for their lunch and their car stalled, so they weren’t back at 6. The other person who was supposed to come in a 6 never fucking showed up, didn’t even call out or anything. by 6:05 J was standing near the Deli asking what the hell is going on so I asked him to go get a manager for me, a manager did come back. First they asked me to stay late, until the person on lunch got his car fixed and came back. I told her I didn’t really want to, I told her that I closed last night and I’m ready to go home. She looked me dead in the eyes and said “if you leave you don’t have a job here anymore” then left me there.

     I stayed for 33 minutes before J’s mom came in and started yelling and made me leave. I found the manager that hired me and told her what happened. I left but while walking out of the store she was yelling into her ear piece about it. So hopefully the manager that threatened me gets into trouble. I’m praying I get a call back soon, I really can’t go back there. I’m tired of Wal-Mart, I’m beyond sick of it. That was the last straw, if I wasn’t afraid of not having a job I would just quit and not working until I find a new one. I have no idea how long it would take to find a new job and if I’m prenant or get pregnant I can’t afford to not have a job. I’ll just have to wait until I find a new job and know for sure I have the job. I’m going to have to suck it up and go there, but I’m really not doing anything extra anymore and I’m not training people and I’m calling out when I don’t feel like going in, I’m tired of this shit.

Today’s Thoughts

Today’s Thoughts

     The interview went pretty well, I think. They said that they’ll call me back this week when the hiring manager is there, and that I seem like I’m a very friendly person and hope to see me again. I can’t tell if she was saying that because they want to hire me or because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings, I’m going to stay hopeful though! I really don’t want to go back to Wal-Mart… Chick-fil-a was my very first choice so I’m really excited, and I really hope that I got it, I looked them in the eyes, talked to them, told them about what I do at my current job and what I did at my old job. She seemed to like me so hopefully They hire me, I’m very motivated for this job and I plan to work there for a while, I hear it’s a good place to work and I like working in fast food a lot more than I do at Wal-Mart.

     J and I both kinda have baby fever, his is obviously not as strong as mine, but he has it. The other day he sent me a video he was watching of a baby getting excited over a cat. We talked a little bit about what’s gonna happen when we have a baby and when I’m pregnant. We even decided on a new nickname for the baby until we find out what sex the baby is; the nickname is going to be little creature. I’m really hoping this time it works out, I want us to start a family, so does J; at least he says he does.

     I’m having these cravings, all I want to eat is french toast, mashed potatoes, and my moose tracks ice cream. I also kinda want to have cheese pizza, maybe a cheeseburger. I think the french toast and the ice cream is at the top of my list. I don’t even know why I want it so bad, but I feel like I could just eat a whole loaf of breads worth of french toast. I also feel like I could eat the whole carton of the moose tracks ice cream. I don’t usually crave foods like this, so it’s kinda weird, who knows; maybe I’m pregnant? Who knows.

     J and I are doing a little more of the BDSM like I wanted, it’s pretty amazing. I love it when he actually gets in dom/daddy space, it’s amazing and fucking sexy. The other day when I came home he made me get on my knees and give him a blow job while looking up at him. It was literally the sexiest thing he’s ever made me do, I hate giving blow jobs but when he made me do it, I liked it a lot. Then he fucked me while choking me among other things. I loved it, I’m really hoping that it continues.

     Last week J and I went to the zoo with my mom and my youngest sister A. It was absolutely amazing, they had so many birds! I love birds with all my heart, and I even found a cute macaw stuffed animal in the gift shop that I bought. It looked exactly like the one macaw they had, I fell in love with it. There was a really sweet cockatoo there that gave me kisses and kept saying hello to me and let me pet it. They also had a donkey there that cried if you walked away after petting it, and a bear sitting in a tub, and the wolves started howling out of nowhere.

     Also my mother, God I can’t stand her. She took me off her health insurance, and told me I had to reapply, which I understand, but the thing is… I asked for help multiple times, and she keeps saying she’s to busy to help me. Well yesterday, I had a break down because of it. She called me early in the morning and told me I needed to get it done, and was being really mean to me because I didn’t have it done yet, I asked for help and she told me she was busy. So I asked my aunt to help me when she comes home from her vacation. Today she called me asking why didn’t I just let my mom help me yesterday. Turns out she called my mom asking her why I didn’t ask her, my mom told her she offered to help me yesterday; she didn’t offer me help anymore, just told me I have to get it done then hung up on me. Now my aunt thinks I’m a liar, I don’t understand why anyone listens to her she lies all the time.

Job Interview Today!!!

Job Interview Today!!!

     I’m so excited! I finally got a job interview! I’m really hoping it goes well and I get the job so I don’t have to go back to Wal-Mart Saturday. I’m really sick of that job, they switched my schedule for yesteday because they didn’t have anyone scheduled from 4PM to 6PM and didn’t even ask or tell me. I was beyond pissed off when I found out, I was in the Deli for two hours all by myself. Well not really by myself the new manager was there, but she’s never worked in a Deli before so I had to do everything because she kept asking for help, even though I was already helping a customer. She wouldn’t even let me go on my 15 my entire shift and she tired to make me wait until the Deli closed to take my lunch and for me to just stay after my shift ended to clean the Deli. I said no and wen tto my lunch at 6 when the person who was scheduled with me finally came in. I can’t take it much longer, I’m done with this place.

     I’m extremely excited for my interview at 2:30, it’s at chick-fil-a and I’m really hoping for the job. I like working with registers, kinda miss it to be honest. Also I’ll always have Sunday off with J!

     I’m just excited, I’ll let you guys know how it went tomorrow!

Baby Baby Baby

Baby Baby Baby

     I’m so jealous, there’s this woman and her husband that’s been coming to my job since I started working there. She’s been pregnant the entire time, and yesterday she came in and SHE HAD THE BABY!!! It was so cute, and I just keep thinking, if I didn’t lose the baby I would be having the baby sometime soon. I can’t help but feel jealous that she’s had her baby and I haven’t and that I’m not pregnant again yet. I’m still not even having regular periods since.

     All that’s in my mind is “baby baby baby, pregnant pregnant pregnant” and so on and so forth. J and I had a really good conversation about what we want for our baby and how we want to parent our baby. I’m very excited for it all to happen, for the pregnancy, the birth, the baby growing up into an adult.

     Though one thing is kinda bothering me is that I’m afraid I’ll never be able to get pregnant and carry to full term. I really want to have a family, I don’t want to have to adopt, I will if I have to… But I really want to be pregnant, I want to give birth… I want to start my family, build a family with J… Hopefully I’ll be able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. Who knows, maybe it’ll happen once I stop worrying about it.

Our Relationship and Sex Life

Our Relationship and Sex Life

     Last night he actually tied me up really good and was rough with me. I absolutely loved it! Tonight we’re going to talk about more things I want him to do with BDSM and our relationship. I’m very excited, I wrote down everything I either want to try or do tings I want to do more of. Some of the things I don’t think he’ll actually do, but it doesn’t hurt to mention it. Here’s the list of things I wrote down:

  1. Sexual Torture
  2. Sexual Humilation
  3. Light Spankings (when people are home) Hard Spankings (when we’re home alone)
  4. “Rape”/Force
  5. More Choking/Breath Play
  6. More Rope Play
  7. More DD/LG (want you to be more daddyish)
  8. You Intiate Sex More Often
  9. Eat Me Out More / Do That Thing I Like More Often
  10. “Force” Me To Give You A Blow Job
  11. Try Role-Playing
  12. Outside Sex
  13. Subissive Training
  14. Sensation Play

     Some of the things I’ve written down him and I haven’t done together but I’ve done with a few of my ex’s and I really enjoyed it. I really want to do those things with him. Hopefully J is open minded about it and actually tries some of these things…

     I also wrote out some things I want to change in our relationship because things as you guys know haven’t been the best. The last few days things have been good and  really want it to stay going good, plus I want to do new things with him. We haven’t really done much together the last year, especially since he was gone for half the year.

  1. Do More Together (other than sex and video games)
  2. Have More Conversations
  3. Go On Walks
  4. Do Adventures Together Again
  5. Be More Honest To Each Other

     There’s more things I want changed but I can’t think of them, this was all I came up with. I’m hoping J comes up with things on his own because I really want him to put in effort of his own. Especially since we’re actually trying for a baby again, want things to be good between us like they used to be.

     Oh, yeah I kinda talked to him a little more about the baby fever and we decided to try again. Even though we weren’t really doing anything to prevent it before we’re having sex more, at least he said we would. I’m hoping it works this time cause I think we’re more prepared than last time.

My Baby Fever Is Back

My Baby Fever Is Back

     Here it comes again at full speed, baby fever. I haven’t had it that much in the last few weeks, maybe month or so. Probably because I’ve been distracted by trying to find a new job (and still am) and the problems between J and I. Since yesterday though, all I keep thinking about it babies and starting a family with J.

     Things have been good between J and I again, I think I’m getting closer to finding a new job, and I have plans to spend time with my aunt and J sometime soon! I’m just in an overall good mood the last few days, and yesterday I saw some pictures of a few people I went to school with their baby bumps. That’s most likely what triggered my baby fever again. Plus J and I had sex recently and didn’t use a condom, I don’t think we’re really trying anymore, we’re just not doing anything to prevent it.

     Obviously things aren’t the best, we live with his mother and I’m at a stressful job and desperately trying to find a new one, J doesn’t have his license yet (he’s been driving and is going to get it in a few months after his birthday!). Thing is, we both want a baby and I guess we don’t really care since we were already prepared before when we had nothing. Even though we aren’t fully ready, we’re defiantly more ready than some other people; and we both want to be parents.

     I honestly don’t know where I’m really going with this right now, mostly just rambling on my thoughts about how I would feel if I was to get pregnant right now. A few post ago I wasn’t to thrilled when I thoughts I was pregnant, but right now it would be pretty awesome. I mean I’d be excited no matter when it happens, it’s just sometimes I want it more than other times.

     All I keep thinking about is a little baby that looks like J and/or I. Everytime I picture it my heart melts and my ovaries start to scream “AHHHH!!! SO CUTE!!!! NEED THIS!!!” whenever I tell J this he laughs. My baby fever has gotten so intense in so fast that I’ve been (IN MY HEAD, HAVEN’T TOLD ANYONE THIS!!!!) pretending I’m pregnant, feeling my best and all that. I only do it when I’m by myself, not even in front of J. I keep hoping that I am pregnant, but I don’t think it’s gonna happen anytime soon. I mean, if you count when I was pregnant for that short time up to now, we’ve been trying on and off again for about 9 months. We only used condoms a handful of times, and usually didn’t even use the condom all the way through. So how is it that I’m still not pregnant? I just don’t understand.

     I don’t even know how to really bring it up to J, I told him I have baby fever again. I just haven’t really talked to him about the lengths. I kinda feel like it’s pointless to have a full on discussion about it when first off he can’t really do anything about it plus it’ll probably go away in a few days or weeks. I really hope to be pregnant sometime soon; I’m really excited about starting a family with J and I don’t know… I’ve always wanted to be a mom and the miscarriages really made me feel crappy about myself. Plus I just really want to create a life with the man I love and to help teach a person what life is and watch them grow into the person they’re meant to be.

      I get so jealous when I see my old classmates post about their pregnancy or about their babies… Like why did I have to miscarry? Twice? I know the first time was possibly a good thing since it was from rape and who knows if J and I would’ve ended up together if I did have the baby… But… It still hurts, I loved that baby as much as I love ours, but things happen for a reason, I think. Plus just seeing the emotions and body changes they’re going through.. I want that.. I want to feel the back pain, the nausea, the exhaustion. I want to feel the pain of giving birth to have our little bundle of joy placed in my arms. I want to see J be a father, I want to watch our child grow into an adult and have a happy life and start a family of their own.

     It’ll happen one day… Soon hopefully, I’ll just keep hoping until I finally give birth to a healthy baby. I can’t wait to see how things turn out and to go through all the joy (and troubles) of being a parent.

Relationship Problems

Relationship Problems

     So yesterday J and I got in a fight while texting when I was at work. I mean we’ve had that talk a few times, but last night I think we’ve finally worked it out. The only thing I’m not fully happy about is that he told his mother about the problems we were having. She talked to us in the car the entire way home about what you are and aren’t supposed to do in a relationship, I was very angry and irritated. Though some of her advice was helpful, for J and I hope that he listened.

      The thing is that… He just doesn’t seem very interested in me the last few months, and I can’t tell if it’s because he’s actually losing interest in me or if it’s just… He’s forgotten how to show his intrest. It’s really been bothering me a lot lately, I just feel really unloved lately and I hate it so much. I wouldn’t mind if like it’s like just one thing he’s lacking but it’s everything; he wont do anything romantic or sexual without me begging for it or unless I’ve been complaining about it a lot the last few days.

     Sometimes he acts as if I’m asking for too much, but ll I’m asking is that he shows interest in me. I’m not asking for him to do huge extravagant things, I’m asking for him to do things like ask about my day and listen to me, to maybe once in a while do something sweet because he just thought of me. The sex, god I would love if he initiated the sex once in a while, plus I wish that when he did initiate it that it would either be romantic or kinky, I don’t like in between, cause it just seems like he’s not into sex.

    I don’t know what to do, I’m afraid that he’s just going to end up leaving me… Or that this will just be a very loveless relationship from now on. Am I just being to sensitive? I don’t think I am.. I mean, he just wants to sit and play video games the last few months.. He doesn’t really want to tell me about his day, he doesn’t really seem interested in my day… He doesn’t see intrested in sex.. He just quickly does the things that he knows gets me off and then he’s just done…. He doesn’t take his time, he barely ever gets off himself, sometimes he doesn’t even let me finish! Last week I was on my stomach, so I couldn’t see him and when I noticed he was moving funny I looked back at him and he was fucking turned watching the TV!