Improving Myself?

Improving Myself?

   All my life I hated how I look but I never really do anything about it. The best I ever felt was when I had a Mohawk in middle school / beginning of high school, because I constantly did my hair (making it so it would stick up or coloring it) and I wore make up. It was dark make up (all black, don’t judge my emo teenage self lol), but it was still make up. Even though I was going through anorexia, I still felt good about myself at the same time because I was putting some effort into my looks (the hair and make up).

   The thing is, I’ve stopped doing both. I either have my hair up in a messy bun, or just laying flat. I threw away all my make up (it was really old, from my freshman year of high school) except the lip stick I wore on my wedding day since I had just bought it that day. I feel like a mess all the time and I always feel so unattractive, and contrary to what my husband thinks, it’s not because other peoples reactions or anything. No one ever complimented or insulted my looks except saying I looked really pretty in my wedding dress. I honestly couldn’t care less what other people thought of me, it’s myself that’s concerned about this.

    I want to see myself as pretty, I was to do my hair and make up like other girls, I feel really feminine lately. I’d also like to wear dresses more often once it gets warm outside. I want more feminine clothes, not just t-shirts and jeans all the time. Thing is, I don’t know how to go about it all.. I’ve never been very good with hair & make-up; and I’m TERRIBLE at matching clothes together, which is a part of autism. Sometimes I really hate my autism because it makes it harder for me to be like other normal girls. I mean, I’m in my 20’s, have no actual friends other than my husband… I’m not good at making friends, but I desperately want them. I keep telling J he needs to ask his friend if him and his fiancé would like to go on a double date sometime that way I can be friends with her (assuming we’ll get along).

   I think that I want to get new eye liner & mascara (that’s the only thing I know how to put on) and maybe some lipstick. I want to see myself as pretty for once in my life. I’m actually at a pretty healthy weight, but I just… The rest of me doesn’t look very good and I have the urge to stop eating again, even though I still want to gain some more weight. I keep thinking, maybe if I work on my appearance more and find myself more attractive I’ll eat more healthy and gain more weight so that I’m actually healthy. Plus maybe if I work on myself more I’ll feel less depressed. I always feel like I’m not good enough or that I’m just lazy. I don’t want to feel lazy and not good enough, I should make more of an effort.

   I mean I know I work in a warehouse and all, that not many people aren’t going to see me. It’s not about other people though it’s about me, like I haven’t even gotten my hair trimmed since before our wedding and the ends of my hair is all fuzzy and damaged. Plus half of my hair is still light brown from when I dyed it a year ago, since it’s taking forever to grow out and I don’t want to cut my hair short again. I want it to stay long, my ultimate goal is to be able to put all my hair into one long braid. I love how braids look but the most I can do is two braids into pigtails or multiple small braids. Plus I’m regretting the bangs I got wwwaaayyyy before our wedding, they’re just taking forever to grow out. They can now be pushed to the side and just looks like I had layers or something but it’s still noticeable sometimes.

   I just need to work on me more… Need to learn how to do that also, I’m super tired of feeling like this. I usually don’t feel so strongly, might be a part of my seasonal depression. Plus it doesn’t help that I’ve been feeling extra bad about the miscarriages and the possibility that I can never have children….

   Plus I’ve been wanting to dye my hair again, maybe red or black.. I really want to do blue or something but J’s mother would NOT be okay with that and since I live with her I have to keep it normal unless I never want to hear the end of it. Just like I have to wait until we move out to get the nose piercing I want and to get the tattoo of the ED recovery symbol with a butterfly on my wrist. Which is irritating, since I pay her $500 but whatever. I’ll get it eventually, and I could get it if I wanted but I know it would come with a lecture and me being super irritated and J and I would end up getting into a fight. So it’s better to wait for those things. But honestly I want red or black hair again, I always looked really nice with it but I can’t decide which I want and I don’t know if J would even like how it would look on me and I do care what he thinks. I haven’t brought up dying my hair to him, because I’m not fully sure if I want to, it’s just been something I’ve been thinking about the last few weeks. Plus it would suck if I changed my mind about it afterwords because I would have to wait for it to grow back out.

   The only thing I’m fully sure I want right now is to start doing my hair in the morning and maybe a little make up. So I’m going to start working on that, and I’m going to keep thinking about the dying my hair thing until I’m 1000% sure it’s what I want.

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Thoughts On Our Future

Thoughts On Our Future

     Work doesn’t require me to do a lot of thinking so I kind of just go off into my own world. I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that I’ll most likely never be a mother and what that would do to J and my lives later on. Our entire relationship we’ve always talked about having kids one day, and as you guys know we were almost successful before. The thing is, now I have more information so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be trying to have kids ever again. Who knows though, maybe when we’re older they will have something that could help with my double mutation.

      We’ve talked a little bit about other options, like adopting, foster care, maybe a surrogate (we got rid of that idea real fast after reading some things about that option though). We’re pretty young so maybe our minds will change in a few years, but as of now we don’t want to adopt or do foster care. I’m honestly not even sure if we’d get approved for foster care since we both have a documented history of mental illness along with my aspergers. Maybe things will change in a few years, but that’s out decision at the moment.

      So as of right now since things look like we aren’t having kids, how do we see our lives going? Well lets talk about some of the bases, we are saving up for a mobile home; that’s kinda been the plan since the beginning but we have briefly talked about getting a house before. After getting our own mobil home we’re going to get some pets of our own, a few dogs and maybe a cat or two. I know for a fact we’re going to get a black lab, I grew up with one and it was the most sweet & loving dog I’ve ever met and I just love the breed. We might get a husky or a pug, we haven’t really decided, I defiantly want a maincoon (a type of cat that gets really big). I’m thinking about getting a turtle or fish- J has been talking about parrot fish a lot lately and I think I want to surprise him with one when we get our own place.

      I want to get at least a two bedroom mobil home, that way if we decide to have kids we wont have to find a new place, there’s already a room available. Until we have kids, or if we stick with the not having any, the second room will be a guest room. It’ll be used for our future nieces and nephews, and my little sister A (since she’s only 11 right now).

      One upside to no kids? We’ll be able to have sex where ever we want in the house. Plus I wont have to worry about J stopping the DD/LG play if we don’t have kids. Once we have our own home I’m going to try to get J to try some new BDSM stuff we haven’t tried before, or just haven’t done since we stayed in a hotel for a few days a year ago. I really want to try “humiliation” punishments once we have our own place (I’m going to bring it up on our honeymoon and possibly try it then). I’m also thinking, since we wont have kids we’ll be able to do more things together & have more money. Once J finishes paying off his debt (almost there btw!) and we live on our own we can basically do whatever we want. We’ll be able to go away on weekends (camping!) or just walk around the house naked / have sex anywhere (he can bend me over the kitchen counter and fuck me whenever he wants!).

      I’m still really upset about not being able to have kids, but at least it’s not all bad. I prefer to have kids to all this, but since it’s not really in our cards, mine as well look at the bright side.

Weed Vs. CBD oil & gummy bears

Weed Vs. CBD oil & gummy bears

       I noticed a few differences since J and I switched from smoking weed to vaping CBD oil and taking gummy bears. I know that the CBD oil comes from the same plant, but it’s very different at the same time. I don’t know much about the details, J knows all that; he’s the one who did the research and decided on the switch.

       I absolutely love the CBD way more than I like smoking weed. First off, I don’t have this weird cotton feeling in my head the next morning with the CBD oil like I do when I smoke weed. I’m also able to think a lot easier, my thoughts don’t get all mixed up like I do when I’m high. I just feel calm and it really helps me sleep, and it’s a real sleep; I don’t feel heavy and I don’t wake up constantly during the night. When I smoke weed I fall into this sleep that makes me feel heavy and I wake up off and on all night.

         I don’t do it that often though, same as how I didn’t smoke weed that often. Though if I”m being honest I do this a little more than I did weed, but it’s like maybe once a week, sometimes twice if I’m having a hard week. Oh I almost forget, it helps me with my back pain, a lot better and faster than ibrophen. Whenever I complain about my back hurting J gives me two or three of the gummy bears and the pain goes away after a while, best thing is that I fall asleep and when I wake up it still doesn’t bother me.

       We still have a little bit weed in our hiding spot but honestly I don’t think it’s going to be smoked anytime soon. J also likes the CBD a lot more than weed. This also helps with my anxiety a lot better than weed ever did. I honestly don’t know how to explain how it really makes me feel. The weed did make me feel better than when I wasn’t smoking it, as in I wasn’t having much back pain and it stopped my anxiety. The thing is though, the CBD; that really helps. It makes it all feel better without making me having a cotton feeling in my head, and it’s easier to think with this instead of when I smoke weed and my head gets mixed up a little.

A Letter To My Mother

A Letter To My Mother

      I know you did the best you can mom. I love you for that, because of you I finally got to go to a school with people who were nicer. I finally made friends and met my soon to be husband. You raised three kids by yourself most of your life as a mother, you’re just now getting help. Sure you had a little help from your sister when we lived with her, but not really.

      Now you know I love you, but I can’t really stand you as a person. You have been abusive to me my entire life and not my sisters, whenever I bring it up you say it’s because you can’t handle my autism. You used to hit me, well you still hit me when I visit. You yell at me calling me lazy, threatening to shut my phone off (even though I give her to money a week early every month), saying I’m stupid. Than when I tell my aunt or fiance you tell them I’m making things up, thus making my aunt think I’m lying and making my fiance hate you more and more.

      Oh and let’s not forget about how you treated me when you lost your food stamps because I turned 18. I did have a job at the beginning, and you made me buy my own food, and I wasn’t allowed to eat anything you bought except for what you made for dinner. Remember when you made me quit my job because I was about to start college and you said I wasn’t allowed to work nights which is what I would’ve been doing. I didn’t have money, you haven’t gone shopping in two weeks, we were out of food. You decided to go out to eat instead of going shopping, I wasn’t allowed to go unless I could pay for myself. Guess who didn’t eat that night?

       You kept us in an abusive household for 15 years. Think it was good for my sisters and I to see all that? I ended up in abusive relationships, my sister D sleeps around because she desperately wants a man to love her, my sister A? She has the worse anxiety I’ve ever seen. It’s worse than mine sometimes, who knew that was possible.

       Don’t get me wrong mom, I still love you. I just don’t like you personally, but you’re still my mother and I love you. I mean you’re doing better now, You finally let D move in with dad, who’s finally got his life together, and who’s better for D than you are. You got my sister A into a good school, in a way better area than where we’ve been living. She actually has her own room, your boyfriend is always home to watch her, when he’s not home you take her to my aunts so she’s never home alone.

       You’re just a piece of work as my aunt would say.

Eating Disordered Thoughts

Eating Disordered Thoughts

     All eating disorders have the same roots, weight. That’s how mine started out, I thought I needed to lose weight because a few people at school called me fat while teasing me. Now it’s kinda moved onto habit, to stress making me feel sick if I eat, and sometimes I do think I look to big.

     I’ve been doing so amazing lately, I was up to 130.5 though now I’m back to 125.6 sadly. I was trying and I feel bad for this but a few people made some comments about my weight, though one of them was a good comment. I guess it just kinda freaked me out and now I’m down again. I’m still trying right now, I eat at least three meals a day; plus I snack a lot during the day. The other week I was at 123.7 but I brought it back up to where I’m at right now.

     I don’t even understand why this is a problem, well I mean I do understand. Recovery from an eating disorder, well any addiction or disorder like this, is more than just being hospitilized. It’s more than just gaining the weight or stopping the behaviour. It’s hard to keep up on it though, I have to constantly watch myself and just be aware of my thoughts towards food.

      If I could be completely honest right now I honestly think it looks absolutely terrible when you’re only skin and bones. I hate the looks of the skin so tight against the bones. The thing is though, I kinda wanna get like that, I hate how it looks, but I want it. How fucked up is that? Especially since I actually like looking this big right now; yet I want to look sick. I wish no one but me would actually notice, f that was the case I would probably let it happen. I would just feel to guilty to let myself get that small, especially when people notice it, especially family.

     I don’t want my family to see me getting sick. they’ve already been through so much with me and my anorexia and my cutting, sucide attempts. I don’t want to put them through any more. Oh and lets not forget J, I couldn’t put him through that, I don’t want him to see that side of me. I’ve worked so hard to keep tat side of me away from him, he probably has no clue how I feel about all this. He knows small bits and pieces of it, but tat’s all. He doesn’t know the full extent of it. I don’t think anyone in m family or really anyone in my life fully knows the extent to it. I wasn’t exactly very truthful while in the hospital.

      I told everyone that it was just because of stress and the textures of food. Though that those are factors into my anorexia, it’s also weight. It’s very very confusing for me because I like being healthy, I love being a healthy weight. The thing is… I want to look sick, but only for myself, not anyone else. I don’t want anyone but me to see how sick I look and I want to hate how I look. I just don’t know how to explain it, I don’t really know what’s wrong with me.

My Autism Or My Anxiety?

My Autism Or My Anxiety?

     I honestly can’t tell the difference between my autism anxiety or my regular anxiety. I am just constantly anxious about anything and everything, my chest constantly hurts, and I want to sleep during the day and be up all night. Last night I was up until 1:30 AM working on my novel, because I was to anxious to sleep. I’m extremely freaked out about all this change that’s happening.

  • New job
  • Getting Married
  • Not living with my mom
  • My dad trying to be in my life

    Some of these things aren’t even new, I’m just now starting to deal with them. I have no idea why I’m so anxious about all this, most of it is actually really good. I should be happy and excited, not sitting here having trouble with sleeping, nauseous and everything else.

     All this anxiety is probably because of my autism. I mean why else would I be having this much anxiety over change. Regular people don’t get this messed up over change. Hopefully all this will go away soon, the anxiety I mean.

     I keep repeating my safe numbers in my head and trying to remind myself that I’m real. Though I don’t feel very real, like this is all a dream, or I’m a ghost that took over a body. Maybe that’s why I can’t remember most things from before middle school.

 

New Manager on a Power Trip

New Manager on a Power Trip

     Monday was absolutely terrible! The new manager is my manager, and she has threated that she could see into my backyard and I should be carefull what I do there (I usually get high there so I don’t hurt my birds cause they’re in my room so she might’ve seen me do that). On Monday though she asked me to do the trash, EVERYONE knows I don’t do the trash because you have to ask someone to open up the trash compactor and I wont talk to anyone to do that. So I asked my coworker, lets call him JH, to do it for me while I worked on the slicers.

     Once she found out, she FLIPPED! She started screaming at me, calling me lazy, disrispectful, she didn’t stop until I was crying. Then, after that, she yelled at JH for doing the trash for me, than she went to the back, got another higher up manager, and told them that I was refusing to do the trash and no one was doing it. They both pulled me back there and they both screamed at me until I cried. Once I started crying they told me I wasn’t in trouble, but it counted as me being coached. Which makes no sense, cause I litteraly did nothing wrong, we’re allowed to switch tasks, as long as it’s getting done, and it was!

     When I told them that I’m autistic they were like “well that’s no reason to be disrespectful” which I still don’t understand what I did to be disrespectful. She’s also apparently been telling people at work that I’m stupid and she doesn’t think I’ll last more than a month. I’ve been there for 7 months, I’m the hardest worker, I get everything done, or make sure it gets done. I’ve never had any problems that were my fault, the only other time I got yelled at was when there weren’t enough people closing and I wouldn’t stay after my shift to finish.