What The Hell

What The Hell

     It’s been close to 6 months, maybe a little over 6 months? Since I’ve had my miscarriage, I was just starting to finally move on from it, haven’t talked about it in weeks. Then yesterday at work, five separate people (who all work there but I’ve never talked to, they work in different departments) came up to me and asked me if I had my baby yet… Like it’s been 6 months, I never got big, I never missed weeks of work.

     One thing, actually two things, that really bothered me about it is that the first person to ask me was after I was there for only 10 minutes. I was working with a customer and this cashier comes up to me and goes “Hi Natalie! Have you had that baby yet?” I literally teared up and told them I had a miscarriage like 6 months ago. They looked nervous, apologized and walked away, the customer looked at me and told me that it ruined her day that they just asked me that. The second thing that bothered me? The third, maybe fourth person who asked me, after I told her I had a miscarriage, she said “oh… So they weren’t lying..” apologized, than walked away.

     Were they talking about me and my dead baby? That doesn’t even make sense, I literally only talk to a few people who work in the deli! How would they even know I was pregnant, I never showed, and it’s been 6 months! Like I said before, I never missed multiple weeks of work. They had to of known that I miscarried, it had to be just to mess with me. Sounds paranoid, I know, but this place is truly awful, I really wouldn’t put it past them.

     Am I Just not allowed to move on from this? I’m tired of feeling this empty spot in my chest… I’m supposed to be happy and excited, I’m getting married in October!!! This shouldn’t be on my mind right now; I just bought my wedding dress, I’m looking for shoes, trying to decide what to do with my hair for my wedding. Now I’m having extreme anxiety and sadness over this. I’ll get over it eventually, hopefully before the wedding and honeymoon.

Trying To Conceive

Trying To Conceive

     As everyone here knows J and I have been trying for months to get pregnant. I’m getting really frustrated, and I think J is getting slightly frustrated about it also. I’m just starting to feel really discouraged; it feels like I can’t get pregnant and even if I was able to again I feel as if all it’ll ever end in is a miscarriage. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal to me, it’s not like I’m old or anything, I’m only 19… It’s just, feels…. I don’t even know to be honest.

     It’s just frustrated, I went to three seperate high schools, so I know a lot of people, weather I’m friends with them or not doesn’t really make a difference. I’m friends with most of them on facebook and I follow a few of them on instagram. Let me tell you, it’s so irritating, a few of the people got engaged and married after I’ve gotten engaged, A LOT has gotten pregnant, and/or had a baby already. I’ve been engaged for over a year and yet I’m still not married, I live with my fiance’s family. I fucking live with his family, they live on their own. Some even with children.

      I know it’s bad to compare your situations to others, but it’s frustrating, cause I just want this so badly and I’ve been trying so very hard to get these things. I make it very clear with J that I want these things and he says he wants these things also. Though I’m not so sure he wants us to live on our own. The other week  J had a conversation with his mother without even talking to me first. Apparently his mother and him decided that if we stay living here until she dies we can have the place. I thought both J and I have decided that we wanted to buy a house together one day, most likely a town house but still.

     I don’t understand how some of them can even afford what they have. I know a single mom I went to high school with that owns her own house and she just works at a daycare. Especially since she just works at her friends daycare in their house, so how can she afford a house, a car, and a 4 year old? Like what the hell?

     Sorry for ranting, I’m just beyond frustrated and jealous right now. Plus J and I don’t even have sex all that often anymore, we had sex twice last week. I ask for it all the time, but he’s barely ever in the mood anymore, he’s always so tired after work. It doesn’t bother me normally but we’re trying to get pregnant.

Fuck My Current Job

Fuck My Current Job

     So I’m beyond pissed off at Wal-Mart right now. So Saturday they had me close, then had me come in at 9AM yesterday so I can train the new person. That person was litteraly the worse I’ve ever met, first off everyone knows that the manager changed my schedule so I specfically am the person who is training them, and they knew that. The entire time I’m training them on the slicers they were saying I’m lying and that I don’t know what I’m doing! I barely got any sleep Sunday night, didn’t get home until 11:30, had to shower and eat, probably ot to bed around 1:30/2AM.

     So yesterday I was supposed to be going home AT 6PM!!! Guess what happened, the one other person who was at work left for their lunch at 5, the idiot decided to leave the store for their lunch and their car stalled, so they weren’t back at 6. The other person who was supposed to come in a 6 never fucking showed up, didn’t even call out or anything. by 6:05 J was standing near the Deli asking what the hell is going on so I asked him to go get a manager for me, a manager did come back. First they asked me to stay late, until the person on lunch got his car fixed and came back. I told her I didn’t really want to, I told her that I closed last night and I’m ready to go home. She looked me dead in the eyes and said “if you leave you don’t have a job here anymore” then left me there.

     I stayed for 33 minutes before J’s mom came in and started yelling and made me leave. I found the manager that hired me and told her what happened. I left but while walking out of the store she was yelling into her ear piece about it. So hopefully the manager that threatened me gets into trouble. I’m praying I get a call back soon, I really can’t go back there. I’m tired of Wal-Mart, I’m beyond sick of it. That was the last straw, if I wasn’t afraid of not having a job I would just quit and not working until I find a new one. I have no idea how long it would take to find a new job and if I’m prenant or get pregnant I can’t afford to not have a job. I’ll just have to wait until I find a new job and know for sure I have the job. I’m going to have to suck it up and go there, but I’m really not doing anything extra anymore and I’m not training people and I’m calling out when I don’t feel like going in, I’m tired of this shit.

Work Anxiety

Work Anxiety

     Anxiety is something I’ve had my entire life, it’s a part of my autism and my depression I struggle with time to time. I’ve been doing really good with it lately, I’ve even been able to order my own food at places, go out by myself, and stuff like that. Yesterday though… I had to call off work because my anxiety was so bad I was almost throwing up and having trouble with breathing. I’ve never had that problem with jobs before, not when I worked in my high schools pre-school, not when I was babysitting, not at McDonald’s…. Only at Wal-Mart.

     Wal-Mart is terrible, things have gotten so bad at work I get physically ill knowing I have to go there again. I’m actually currently feeling that way, I have to be at work at 2PM til 11PM. I’m not going to call out again though because it’s closing hours and it’s just supposed to be me and one other person, I can’t leave them alone during those hours cause we wont be able to get everything clean together, he defiantly wouldn’t be able to do it alone. I can’t be that much of a bitch yet, not until I have a new job.

     The only thing keeping me going is the thought that I’ll have a new job soon. I’ve applied everywhere nearby, and tomorrow when J gets home from work we’re going to KFC so I can fill out a paper application. For some reason the one in our town doesn’t have their opened positions on the website, but they do have jobs available. I’ll probably get the job at KFC since J is friends with one of the managers and they said they’ll mention me to the hiring manager. It’s not the best job, but honestly it’s better than Wal-Mart and if it’s full-time I’ll be making more every pay period. If I don’t get that job I”ll probably get a job at one of the other places I applied to like panera or subway.

     I’m so hopeful for a call from somewhere. This anxiety is really bad, I’ve been having it so bad while at work that I’ve been puking on my breaks. It’s not pregnancy… I took a few test, all negative.. Plus I’ve only been puking at work, and I feel like that at work. I’ve been so sick with anxiety lately, I’m very tired of this job, it’s terrible. This job is going to kill me, I swear, I can’t handle it much longer. I NEED a new job, I don’t understand how some of my co-workers been there for years, it’s terrible. Especially since one of them has a second job, why would they keep going there? They aren’t going to get the management position they want, what are they working towards? There’s no place to advance there, it’s not going to happen, they aren’t even letting managers have full-time hours anyways, so what’s the point?

     I really made a mistake quitting my job at McDonald’s last year and getting a job at Wal-Mart a few months ago. It’s just, one of the managers really made me feel like shit at that job and I figured since I was planning to do college it would make it easier than having to rush around all the time. Plus my mom has worked at Wal-Mart for almost 10 years and never had a problem, I don’t see how. It might just be the location I work at currently, but it’s ruined Wal-Mart completely for me, I’ll never work there again after I get a new job. I don’t care, there’s nothing good for me there.

     I still can’t get over my mom telling me to just ask personal to transfer me to a different department. Like what didn’t she understand about them cutting everyone’s hours? If I changed departments I’d have the same hours but get paid less? I work in the highest paying department, why would I change departments for the same hours but less pay? I don’t understand why my mother wants me to stay working at this place after I’ve told her everything that happens.

Job Search Problems

Job Search Problems

     I’ve mentioned in a post before that I’m currently looking for a new job, well it’s harder than I thought. None of the warehouses nearby are hiring anything other than truck drivers, so that’s out since I don’t even have my license yet. The only thing I can really apply for (because that’s all that’s available right now) is fast food places. They pay a lot less than what I’m currently making, but in the long run it would be more because it’s full time… I’ve applied to Chick-Fil-A so far, and currently applying to a few others nearby.

     I really hate that I’ll have to go back to fast food to get out of my current situation, but I just cannot stay at Wal-Mart. It’s going to destroy me, I’m starting to become miserable like J was. I kept thinking things were going to get better, it’s not happening, things have actually gotten worse; I didn’t even know that was possible!

     I keep thinking maybe I should go back to McDonald’s, but I’m terrified of the one manager there; she was so mean to me the entire time I worked there… There is another location owned by the same man up the street, but… She goes there sometimes. That manager is litteraly the reason I quit, and I don’t think I could face her again. I feel stupid going to work at fast food while living with J’s family, but his mother did tell me all I need to worry about is getting something full-time… My current job is part-time and it’s terrible… Even McDonald’s was better when I was full-time…

     Maybe I should try for a manager position at a fast food place, it’s about the same pay I make now, some places it’s even more; and it’s a full-time position. The only problem is I’m not very good at taking control. Either way in the long run I would be making more money… It’s only a dollar or two pay cut, but it’s full-time, I’d have more hours, when I did the math I’d be making about $20 more than I’m currently making each pay period.

     Plus, just because I’m going back into fast food now doesn’t mean I have to stay there forever. I can always keep an eye on job openings and when I see something better I can apply for that. Jobs aren’t forever, can always go for something better once it opens up. I thought I was doing better then before when I got my job at Wal-Mart, but I really wasn’t. I made more at McDonald’s even though I was paid less hourly, because they gave me more hours at McDonald’s. They also gave me over time at McDonald’s, Wal-Mart doesn’t even give me all my part-time hours. I work less then what you’re really supposed to work as a part-time employee. I litterally work two or three days a week; sometimes four if I’m lucky.

     When I asked about becoming full-time (just in case I couldn’t find another job) they told me they aren’t moving anyone up to full-time anymore, they’re actually trying to move people back to part-time. Which is absolutely ridculous, we’re completely understaffed all the time, we don’t need cut hours! We need people working more hours! But hey, it’s Wal-Mart. I don’t see how my mom has been working there for 9 years and wants to continue working there. It’s terrible, They don’t even treat you nicely.

     I swear I’m not going to stay at whatever fast food place I get hired at, it’s just until something better is opened up nearby. I want to do better than that, but right now it’s all I can do. I cannot stay at Wal-Mart, it has me so stressed that I’ve been having chest pains. I also think it might be why I’ve been throwing up once in a while, and not because I’m possibly pregnant.

     Wish me luck I guess. Hopefully I get a call by the end of next week and have a new job by the end of the month. I can’t stay at Wal-Mart much longer but I must have a new job before quitting.

Frustration

Frustration

     I really really want things to be more intense when it comes to our BDSM life. Things have been getting a lot better with that, we’ve been a lot more intense with it. The thing is though I really want it to be a lot more; I want to try more things. There’s many things stopping that from happening.

     First off J isn’t that into it, well more of worried about it I guess; I’m not fully sure what his thoughts on it is. A few times he’s said he wasn’t into BDSM but recently he said something about being afraid of not being able to control himself. It’s really frustrating, and I feel bad bringing it up since it’s not fully his fault and I’ve already said the same things multiple times.

    Plus, the few times I’m able to get him to actually do things I get really tense and sometimes cry. I hate that I do that because he usually stops or let up, but the thing is I ALWAYS feel better afterwards; especially after he keeps going, but it doesn’t happen that often. It’s so freeing to be tied up and spanked, teased, or anything of that nature. It makes everything so much better, I stop worrying about almost everything, I am just enjoying all the feelings, I cry to let out all the pent-up feelings I have.

     It’s really frustrating when the thing you really need is so hard to get. I’ve never felt so much frustration in my entire life; maybe it’s because I’ve gotten it from him before. I love when he bruised my ass, when he left marks on me from biting, when he chokes me with that look on his face… God that look kills me, makes me so wet, makes me melt into submission. I want him to do so much to me, I want everything he can give, I want to be struggling to get away, moaning for more at the same time.

     I have all this pent-up frustration, stress, even though we just did a few scene’s recently. I guess it wasn’t enough to make up for all that time going without it. It’s been forever since the last time before we did the other day. Even though I can still feel the bruises on my ass, there’s still hickies on my neck, I still feel like I need more. I need his complete dominance, his anger, his frustration, I want it all taken out on me.

     I just want it so badly. J told me he was into it before I even expressed real interest in it, I don’t fully understand why all the sudden he’s not into it. Maybe it’s different thinking about it then doing it for some people, I don’t know… Sorry for the rant, it’s just been the main topic of J and my conversations and I just wanted to let some of the frustration out since nothing has really changed fully yet.

Anxiety over work schedule

Anxiety over work schedule

So I have terrible anxiety when it comes to schedule things if it hasn’t been confirmed at least 10 times verbally and written down. But my manager today, asked me to come in tomorrow at 2PM instead of 9AM. She left right after asking me to, and when I got home I checked the online schedule. It still says 9-5, it doesn’t say 2-11 like it’s supposed to. 

I don’t know weather to go in at the time it says on the online schedule or the time the manager asked me to. I’m terrified of getting into trouble and/or getting fired I really need this job.  I love working in the deli and I love working at the same place as my fiance J. 

Why wouldn’t she change the online schedule so I know when to go in for sure? She changes my online schedule a lot without asking me, why wouldn’t she change it when she actually asked me???

I hate this so much, I know I should just go in when she asked, and I’m going to do that. But I’m also going to obsessively worry about this until I get to work tomorrow. I feel very bad for worrying so much also, especially since it’s not good for the baby. It’s an absolutely terrible time to stress so much, but I can’t help it at all.