Thoughts On Our Future

Thoughts On Our Future

     Work doesn’t require me to do a lot of thinking so I kind of just go off into my own world. I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that I’ll most likely never be a mother and what that would do to J and my lives later on. Our entire relationship we’ve always talked about having kids one day, and as you guys know we were almost successful before. The thing is, now I have more information so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be trying to have kids ever again. Who knows though, maybe when we’re older they will have something that could help with my double mutation.

      We’ve talked a little bit about other options, like adopting, foster care, maybe a surrogate (we got rid of that idea real fast after reading some things about that option though). We’re pretty young so maybe our minds will change in a few years, but as of now we don’t want to adopt or do foster care. I’m honestly not even sure if we’d get approved for foster care since we both have a documented history of mental illness along with my aspergers. Maybe things will change in a few years, but that’s out decision at the moment.

      So as of right now since things look like we aren’t having kids, how do we see our lives going? Well lets talk about some of the bases, we are saving up for a mobile home; that’s kinda been the plan since the beginning but we have briefly talked about getting a house before. After getting our own mobil home we’re going to get some pets of our own, a few dogs and maybe a cat or two. I know for a fact we’re going to get a black lab, I grew up with one and it was the most sweet & loving dog I’ve ever met and I just love the breed. We might get a husky or a pug, we haven’t really decided, I defiantly want a maincoon (a type of cat that gets really big). I’m thinking about getting a turtle or fish- J has been talking about parrot fish a lot lately and I think I want to surprise him with one when we get our own place.

      I want to get at least a two bedroom mobil home, that way if we decide to have kids we wont have to find a new place, there’s already a room available. Until we have kids, or if we stick with the not having any, the second room will be a guest room. It’ll be used for our future nieces and nephews, and my little sister A (since she’s only 11 right now).

      One upside to no kids? We’ll be able to have sex where ever we want in the house. Plus I wont have to worry about J stopping the DD/LG play if we don’t have kids. Once we have our own home I’m going to try to get J to try some new BDSM stuff we haven’t tried before, or just haven’t done since we stayed in a hotel for a few days a year ago. I really want to try “humiliation” punishments once we have our own place (I’m going to bring it up on our honeymoon and possibly try it then). I’m also thinking, since we wont have kids we’ll be able to do more things together & have more money. Once J finishes paying off his debt (almost there btw!) and we live on our own we can basically do whatever we want. We’ll be able to go away on weekends (camping!) or just walk around the house naked / have sex anywhere (he can bend me over the kitchen counter and fuck me whenever he wants!).

      I’m still really upset about not being able to have kids, but at least it’s not all bad. I prefer to have kids to all this, but since it’s not really in our cards, mine as well look at the bright side.

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How I see my life with J

How I see my life with J

      I see us doing everything together, I don’t see anything like super out there. I just see us growing old together with our small family we start together.  I see us going to my youngest sisters school stuff like we already do, our favorite thing is her chours concerts; we always record them. I see us doing that with our own children one day.  

      I see us with a bunch of cats and dogs, maybe some more birds, who knows. I see our little house or double wide trailer (I’ve been trying to get him to agree to getting one once we can afford one instead of a house) decorated with pictures of us and our family, paintings, and drawings by our kids or my sister’s. 

      I see us working the way we do now; well the way he does now and the way I will be soon. Monday-Friday at a warehouse, off weekends, off on major holidays. I see family vacations, family movie/game nights, family dinners. I see us living a very family oriented life, how we both always wanted. 

        I see him always being there, never leaving us. I see having my first child with him, him being there during the birth, for all those major moments in our child’s life. I know he’s going to be a better father than mine ever was, than his father ever was. I love him more than anything, I can’t see my life without him. 

Today’s Thoughts

Today’s Thoughts

     The interview went pretty well, I think. They said that they’ll call me back this week when the hiring manager is there, and that I seem like I’m a very friendly person and hope to see me again. I can’t tell if she was saying that because they want to hire me or because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings, I’m going to stay hopeful though! I really don’t want to go back to Wal-Mart… Chick-fil-a was my very first choice so I’m really excited, and I really hope that I got it, I looked them in the eyes, talked to them, told them about what I do at my current job and what I did at my old job. She seemed to like me so hopefully They hire me, I’m very motivated for this job and I plan to work there for a while, I hear it’s a good place to work and I like working in fast food a lot more than I do at Wal-Mart.

     J and I both kinda have baby fever, his is obviously not as strong as mine, but he has it. The other day he sent me a video he was watching of a baby getting excited over a cat. We talked a little bit about what’s gonna happen when we have a baby and when I’m pregnant. We even decided on a new nickname for the baby until we find out what sex the baby is; the nickname is going to be little creature. I’m really hoping this time it works out, I want us to start a family, so does J; at least he says he does.

     I’m having these cravings, all I want to eat is french toast, mashed potatoes, and my moose tracks ice cream. I also kinda want to have cheese pizza, maybe a cheeseburger. I think the french toast and the ice cream is at the top of my list. I don’t even know why I want it so bad, but I feel like I could just eat a whole loaf of breads worth of french toast. I also feel like I could eat the whole carton of the moose tracks ice cream. I don’t usually crave foods like this, so it’s kinda weird, who knows; maybe I’m pregnant? Who knows.

     J and I are doing a little more of the BDSM like I wanted, it’s pretty amazing. I love it when he actually gets in dom/daddy space, it’s amazing and fucking sexy. The other day when I came home he made me get on my knees and give him a blow job while looking up at him. It was literally the sexiest thing he’s ever made me do, I hate giving blow jobs but when he made me do it, I liked it a lot. Then he fucked me while choking me among other things. I loved it, I’m really hoping that it continues.

     Last week J and I went to the zoo with my mom and my youngest sister A. It was absolutely amazing, they had so many birds! I love birds with all my heart, and I even found a cute macaw stuffed animal in the gift shop that I bought. It looked exactly like the one macaw they had, I fell in love with it. There was a really sweet cockatoo there that gave me kisses and kept saying hello to me and let me pet it. They also had a donkey there that cried if you walked away after petting it, and a bear sitting in a tub, and the wolves started howling out of nowhere.

     Also my mother, God I can’t stand her. She took me off her health insurance, and told me I had to reapply, which I understand, but the thing is… I asked for help multiple times, and she keeps saying she’s to busy to help me. Well yesterday, I had a break down because of it. She called me early in the morning and told me I needed to get it done, and was being really mean to me because I didn’t have it done yet, I asked for help and she told me she was busy. So I asked my aunt to help me when she comes home from her vacation. Today she called me asking why didn’t I just let my mom help me yesterday. Turns out she called my mom asking her why I didn’t ask her, my mom told her she offered to help me yesterday; she didn’t offer me help anymore, just told me I have to get it done then hung up on me. Now my aunt thinks I’m a liar, I don’t understand why anyone listens to her she lies all the time.

Jealously​ 

Jealously​ 

How is it that there’s a bunch of girls I went to middle and high school with that are pregnant and/or just had a kid? Half of them don’t even want the baby and are angry they they’re pregnant. God, I want a baby, I want my baby that I lost… I loved my little shit with all my heart, why did my body fail me and the baby? 

I just look at all these girls pictures of their babies, their ultrasounds, the post about it all… I just get filled with this extreme jealously, they have their kid… They’re having their kid… Why did this have to happen to me? I’m happy for them, I really am, I’m just upset that I’m not having mine… 

Also at work, a bunch of women bring their children up to the deli. Some even let their kid say the other and they ask for a slice of cheese.  It’s just so cute! My heart melts, but it also drops to my stomach because I just think. The baby I just spent the last 4 months making in my body just died, j and I aren’t having our little angel… 

It hurts so much and I just keep seeing all these babies and young children, even some pregnant girls. I feel so bad that I’m jealous of them, it’s a very happy time for them. Well, except for the few that are angry about being pregnant. 

Sorry for the rant, J hasn’t really talked to me much about it all, just said he’s upset and wants to try again after I have time to let my body repair itself or whatever.