Frustration & confusion

Frustration & confusion

    J and I talk about it all the time yet I still can’t get over it. I’m missing being little and submissive again. He hasn’t been keeping up with it, I feel guilty for bringing it up. I know he’s told me before he’s not interested in it but I still want to do, hell, I need it. I need to be little and to be submissive, it’s a part of me, I crave it and it honestly affects my mood when I’m not.

    I know I might sound kind of like a child right now but honestly I just feel neglected. I’m always doing things to make him happy even if it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t enjoy it. He can barely ever tell that I’m just doing it for him, yet he doesn’t do the same for me, and he makes it obvious he’s not enjoying himself when he does do something for me. If I can do it for you why can’t you do it for me?

    The first few months of our relationship he was into it, I got into this relationship under the pretenses that he was into DD/LG & BDSM. It’s not like I want it to be 24/7, I just want it once in a while to satisfy me. Sometimes I just feel like I’m not good enough and I get really depressed. I just really want him to be in daddy space and not make me feel bad for it. I don’t understand why he’s changed his mind on it suddenly and acts like he was never into it. He used to get really into it, just one day he decided he didn’t.

    He claims he feels drained whenever he lets me be in little space and he participates. Thing is, he barely does anything, he mostly just watches me. That’s not what I need… I need him to be involved, I don’t know how to explain exactly what I want him to do, I just want / need it. I try so hard to be a good girl for him, and I’m just not getting what I need back. Now I love J, he’s my best friend and my husband. Sometimes though… When I’m feeling like this… I kind of wish I didn’t enter this relationship or that he was different. That might not be the right way to word it exactly, because I love him with all my heart and soul, I can’t picture my life without him. I just wish he was more involved, that he would try harder for me. I feel like he’s given up on trying to make me happy now that we’re married.

   I just… Sometimes I wonder if he doesn’t like it because he doesn’t know enough about it. He keeps saying something about feeling like he has to literally take care of me. I tried explaining it to him but I feel like I’m either not good at explaining it or he’s just not listening to me. If only he would do research on it so he could try to do something that would actually make me happy and cause a lot less friction between us. I mean, it’s the least he can do since he’s the reason we’re stuck living with his mother, which I hate with every fiber of my being. I tried sending him links to information on DD/LG & BDSM lifestyles but I know he didn’t actually read them because he couldn’t remember a single thing from those articles. It’s really not that hard to make me somewhat happy, I’m already miserable right now, why not do something simple like this to improve things for us?

   I kind of want him to read this post because I’ve noticed if it’s something I’ve written and / or shared with other people he’s more likely to do what I said. I don’t want to tell him to read it or send him a link to it though because I feel like he’ll probably feel like I’m trying to start a fight or something. I have done it a few times lately, but only because I’m miserable and he’s not making anything easy on me lately.

    I don’t know how I ended up being so deeply in love with someone who isn’t like me all that much. I’ve noticed since we’ve gotten married that we both have different needs when it comes to affection and validation. I’m very needy when it comes to both, whereas he doesn’t need it or seem to really want it. It really upsets me, especially when I’m feeling like this. I feel really hurt a lot lately, I kind of feel like he’s doing it all on purpose, which I’m sure is just me being a little over dramatic. Again, I would never leave him, I’m still happy being with him. It’s more of just we’re having trouble communicating on top of everything else at the moment. We were doing really good with communication for a long time but lately we’ve been having trouble with it for some reason. I have a slight feeling it might because I’m so wound up about the DD/LG \ BDSM & living situation that he’s just not listening because I’m so tense and been acting out because of it. I need to really work on that, it’s not helping our relationship at all and I don’t want to hurt our relationship.

   I want us to have a happy & healthy relationship, it’s just really hard when it feels like I’m the only one making compromises lately. Plus it just feels like he isn’t putting effort in us right now. He mentioned once that he just feels really comfortable with our relationship (though I don’t see how when we’re having all these problems right now), It’s not like I’m hiding all this from him, I’ve brought it up multiple times; he might just not realize how serious it is… I don’t know how to get it into his thick skull how serious it is though. I’ve tried a lot of different things and nothing seems to be working, not even trying to demand it, he doesn’t seem to take me seriously.

   I just want things to be better, I don’t like feeling like this. I can’t wait for us to have our own place. It’s hard to have serious discussions that are touchy subjects, I’m always worried his mom or brother is going to hear us and I really hate it when they know what’s going on. I don’t hate them, I just can’t stand living with them. I just need my own space with J but we can’t do that until he has his license, even though he drives without it, his brother wont let him take the care until he has it. He just needs to finish his drive times with driving school before he can actually get his license. I honestly don’t care if we have to get an apartment, I don’t want to live here anymore. I’ve told him that too, I’m not waiting until we can get a mobile home (assuming that I can’t get a loan or something) I’m just waiting until he has his license then we’re out of here.

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I Want To Try A Whole Month Of Power Play With J

I Want To Try A Whole Month Of Power Play With J

      So J and I decided to wait to have sex until our honeymoon on the 21st (yes it starts the day after our wedding) which is absolute torture for me; even though I’m the one who brought it up. Our honeymoon is only 7 days away so hopefully it wont e that hard since we work Monday to Thursday this week, and we’re only gong to see each other on Friday at the wedding and we’ll be asleep after the wedding because that is going to be a very busy day.

      J has been way more into the whole BDSM thing lately, he’s actually started initiating it during sex. I haven’t brought it up yet, I decided I’m going to after our wedding, during our honeymoon. I’m really excited, and I hope he is up to it since work is really intense lately. We’ve been working 11 to 12 hour shifts all week, and the managers said it might be staying like this for a while.

     I want to do it with more than just sex though. I want him to be fully dominate, want him to control everything that’s outside of work. I’ve been doing a lot of reading on how it could affect your relationship. I think it could be really helpful for us, especially since we have a lot of problems with our sex lives. Mostly that he doesn’t fully understand how much the power play means to me. Especially since I’m a little and he’s supposed to be my daddy, though we haven’t done a full scene lately.

     He has been dong little things once in a while that made me feel little and was a little daddish. He just hasn’t been fully into daddy space I’m just hoping that he woks on that more, I really miss being little and him be daddy at the same time.

The Lack Of Dominance

The Lack Of Dominance

     Dominance is something I crave very strongly. I love when I’m being dominated, as I’m sure you all know from some of my past post. Well J doesn’t do it that often because he’s not into dominance outside of sex. Frankly he thinks it’s weird to bring it out of sex, which is why I don’t do much of the DD/LG; because that’s just not something he’s interested in. It’s very irritating because I need to be dominated in a nonsexual way sometimes, it helps bring down my anxiety, which I really need right now with the problems at my current job and the slight trouble I’m having with finding a new job.

     sometimes I find it hard to take him seriously because he doesn’t ever seem to want to take control. Plus I just feel kinda ignored when it comes to some of my wants/needs. I do a lot of what he wants; sometimes I wonder if  he’s right when he asks if I think we’re compatible, but when I look at him and we talk I know he’s the one. Even when I don’t get the full BDSM experience I want. It’s just really frustrating right now because of everything going on in my work life and because I for once enjoy sex and feel comfortable and I”m not getting the things I really want to do. I know that sounds kinda bratty, but I don’t mean it in that way, just don’t know how to word it.

      I don’t know how to really explain to him that BDSM is sometimes more than just sex. Maybe there’s no way to get him to understand, he seems very sure of it, that it’s weird to take it out of sex. It’s kinda funny to listen to him talk about it because I think the opposite of a lot of the things he says. I love him, and I love his though process. BDSM isn’t a mandatory thing for me, it’s just… I don’t know, sometimes I wish I could get more from there…

     I’ve tried multiple times to bring it up in many different ways, I even want as far as to “mention” something I “read” that I wanted to just “discuss”. I was very…. disappointed with the results from that. He was absolutely not into the idea and made it very clear. I mean I wasn’t fully into the thing I brought up, I was just mildly interested in it. I just wish he was less judgemental of these things because I’m very open to them, and a lot of it kinda turns me on.

     I love him though, and the sex is good, even when it’s not fully what I want. I want to marry him that’s for sure. I really can’t wait for October…. Well my rant is over, have a wonderful day guys!!!

Frustration

Frustration

     I really really want things to be more intense when it comes to our BDSM life. Things have been getting a lot better with that, we’ve been a lot more intense with it. The thing is though I really want it to be a lot more; I want to try more things. There’s many things stopping that from happening.

     First off J isn’t that into it, well more of worried about it I guess; I’m not fully sure what his thoughts on it is. A few times he’s said he wasn’t into BDSM but recently he said something about being afraid of not being able to control himself. It’s really frustrating, and I feel bad bringing it up since it’s not fully his fault and I’ve already said the same things multiple times.

    Plus, the few times I’m able to get him to actually do things I get really tense and sometimes cry. I hate that I do that because he usually stops or let up, but the thing is I ALWAYS feel better afterwards; especially after he keeps going, but it doesn’t happen that often. It’s so freeing to be tied up and spanked, teased, or anything of that nature. It makes everything so much better, I stop worrying about almost everything, I am just enjoying all the feelings, I cry to let out all the pent-up feelings I have.

     It’s really frustrating when the thing you really need is so hard to get. I’ve never felt so much frustration in my entire life; maybe it’s because I’ve gotten it from him before. I love when he bruised my ass, when he left marks on me from biting, when he chokes me with that look on his face… God that look kills me, makes me so wet, makes me melt into submission. I want him to do so much to me, I want everything he can give, I want to be struggling to get away, moaning for more at the same time.

     I have all this pent-up frustration, stress, even though we just did a few scene’s recently. I guess it wasn’t enough to make up for all that time going without it. It’s been forever since the last time before we did the other day. Even though I can still feel the bruises on my ass, there’s still hickies on my neck, I still feel like I need more. I need his complete dominance, his anger, his frustration, I want it all taken out on me.

     I just want it so badly. J told me he was into it before I even expressed real interest in it, I don’t fully understand why all the sudden he’s not into it. Maybe it’s different thinking about it then doing it for some people, I don’t know… Sorry for the rant, it’s just been the main topic of J and my conversations and I just wanted to let some of the frustration out since nothing has really changed fully yet.

BDSM

BDSM

      BDSM by itself is a very touchy subject, it’s not something most people will talk about. While exploring my sexuality while growing up, I always believed that it was an evil thing, that only people who hurt others liked that stuff… I guess it’s the way I always heard about it growing up, I brought it up once to my mother when I was 15, because I heard about it in a show about serial killers. Her reaction I’ll never forget, she got all angry; scared the fucking shit out of me. It didn’t help when I look it up, out of curiosity… It made me wet… I imagined it happening to me… I wanted it more than anything, but at the same time I didn’t…. I thought if I ever tried it I would become a bad person, that I would have to hurt people. Well here I am now, at 19, and I practice BDSM with my fiance, and I haven’t purposely hurt one person.

     BDSM has honestly helped me a lot, which surprised me considering my past. I can confirm that I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 or 16, can’t remember if it was before or after my birthday; and I honestly believe I was sexually assulted when I was a lot younger, but I can’t really remember much other than them telling me I can’t call my mom until I stop crying and promised not to say anything. I never did, and I honestly forgot about it for a long time, I only started to remember after getting raped.

     BDSM makes me feel safe and calm, with the right person obviously. I’ve tried it once or twice with one of my ex girlfriends, and that didn’t work very well, I felt very scared and unsafe. With J though, I asked to try it when we first started dating and it was amazing. I loved every second of it, I felt like a whole new me. I felt good, I enjoyed sex! I never enjoyed sex, I was a virgin before the rape, and afterwords I had sex a bunch of times with a few other people. Until J I didn’t enjoy sex, sex was a thing I dreaded, but I did it because I didn’t feel good enough about myself to say no. With J though, I feel good about myself, I feel like I can say no to him. Especially since we brought BDSM into our relationship, it feels like for once in my life I have control over something that happens to my body.

     Sounds weird doesn’t it? Me being a submissive in a BDSM sexual relationship makes me feel like I have control? It’s extremely weird to me, but it honestly does, because he listens to me. If I want him to stop something he will, if I say the safe word. When I want to try something new, he’ll try it, unless it’s something he isn’t comfortable with at all, just like I do sometimes.

     It’s the most freeing thing in the world, now that I know the truth and I do it. I feel like I can completely let go. I enjoy being his little “pet” his little play thing. I like being told what to do and how, I love when he “punishes me” when he “makes” me do things I don’t want to. it’s the most freeing thing in the world to me.

     I don’t fully understand the stigma on BDSM, obviously it’s not for everyone. But it could help others, so why make it seem like it’s such a terrible thing? Not everyone who does it is a bad person, just like not every person who only likes vanilla sex is a good person. The sex you like doesn’t determine the kind of person you are. I think it’s absolutely absurd that other people think otherwise.