I Want To Try A Whole Month Of Power Play With J

I Want To Try A Whole Month Of Power Play With J

      So J and I decided to wait to have sex until our honeymoon on the 21st (yes it starts the day after our wedding) which is absolute torture for me; even though I’m the one who brought it up. Our honeymoon is only 7 days away so hopefully it wont e that hard since we work Monday to Thursday this week, and we’re only gong to see each other on Friday at the wedding and we’ll be asleep after the wedding because that is going to be a very busy day.

      J has been way more into the whole BDSM thing lately, he’s actually started initiating it during sex. I haven’t brought it up yet, I decided I’m going to after our wedding, during our honeymoon. I’m really excited, and I hope he is up to it since work is really intense lately. We’ve been working 11 to 12 hour shifts all week, and the managers said it might be staying like this for a while.

     I want to do it with more than just sex though. I want him to be fully dominate, want him to control everything that’s outside of work. I’ve been doing a lot of reading on how it could affect your relationship. I think it could be really helpful for us, especially since we have a lot of problems with our sex lives. Mostly that he doesn’t fully understand how much the power play means to me. Especially since I’m a little and he’s supposed to be my daddy, though we haven’t done a full scene lately.

     He has been dong little things once in a while that made me feel little and was a little daddish. He just hasn’t been fully into daddy space I’m just hoping that he woks on that more, I really miss being little and him be daddy at the same time.

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The Lack Of Dominance

The Lack Of Dominance

     Dominance is something I crave very strongly. I love when I’m being dominated, as I’m sure you all know from some of my past post. Well J doesn’t do it that often because he’s not into dominance outside of sex. Frankly he thinks it’s weird to bring it out of sex, which is why I don’t do much of the DD/LG; because that’s just not something he’s interested in. It’s very irritating because I need to be dominated in a nonsexual way sometimes, it helps bring down my anxiety, which I really need right now with the problems at my current job and the slight trouble I’m having with finding a new job.

     sometimes I find it hard to take him seriously because he doesn’t ever seem to want to take control. Plus I just feel kinda ignored when it comes to some of my wants/needs. I do a lot of what he wants; sometimes I wonder if  he’s right when he asks if I think we’re compatible, but when I look at him and we talk I know he’s the one. Even when I don’t get the full BDSM experience I want. It’s just really frustrating right now because of everything going on in my work life and because I for once enjoy sex and feel comfortable and I”m not getting the things I really want to do. I know that sounds kinda bratty, but I don’t mean it in that way, just don’t know how to word it.

      I don’t know how to really explain to him that BDSM is sometimes more than just sex. Maybe there’s no way to get him to understand, he seems very sure of it, that it’s weird to take it out of sex. It’s kinda funny to listen to him talk about it because I think the opposite of a lot of the things he says. I love him, and I love his though process. BDSM isn’t a mandatory thing for me, it’s just… I don’t know, sometimes I wish I could get more from there…

     I’ve tried multiple times to bring it up in many different ways, I even want as far as to “mention” something I “read” that I wanted to just “discuss”. I was very…. disappointed with the results from that. He was absolutely not into the idea and made it very clear. I mean I wasn’t fully into the thing I brought up, I was just mildly interested in it. I just wish he was less judgemental of these things because I’m very open to them, and a lot of it kinda turns me on.

     I love him though, and the sex is good, even when it’s not fully what I want. I want to marry him that’s for sure. I really can’t wait for October…. Well my rant is over, have a wonderful day guys!!!

Frustration

Frustration

     I really really want things to be more intense when it comes to our BDSM life. Things have been getting a lot better with that, we’ve been a lot more intense with it. The thing is though I really want it to be a lot more; I want to try more things. There’s many things stopping that from happening.

     First off J isn’t that into it, well more of worried about it I guess; I’m not fully sure what his thoughts on it is. A few times he’s said he wasn’t into BDSM but recently he said something about being afraid of not being able to control himself. It’s really frustrating, and I feel bad bringing it up since it’s not fully his fault and I’ve already said the same things multiple times.

    Plus, the few times I’m able to get him to actually do things I get really tense and sometimes cry. I hate that I do that because he usually stops or let up, but the thing is I ALWAYS feel better afterwards; especially after he keeps going, but it doesn’t happen that often. It’s so freeing to be tied up and spanked, teased, or anything of that nature. It makes everything so much better, I stop worrying about almost everything, I am just enjoying all the feelings, I cry to let out all the pent-up feelings I have.

     It’s really frustrating when the thing you really need is so hard to get. I’ve never felt so much frustration in my entire life; maybe it’s because I’ve gotten it from him before. I love when he bruised my ass, when he left marks on me from biting, when he chokes me with that look on his face… God that look kills me, makes me so wet, makes me melt into submission. I want him to do so much to me, I want everything he can give, I want to be struggling to get away, moaning for more at the same time.

     I have all this pent-up frustration, stress, even though we just did a few scene’s recently. I guess it wasn’t enough to make up for all that time going without it. It’s been forever since the last time before we did the other day. Even though I can still feel the bruises on my ass, there’s still hickies on my neck, I still feel like I need more. I need his complete dominance, his anger, his frustration, I want it all taken out on me.

     I just want it so badly. J told me he was into it before I even expressed real interest in it, I don’t fully understand why all the sudden he’s not into it. Maybe it’s different thinking about it then doing it for some people, I don’t know… Sorry for the rant, it’s just been the main topic of J and my conversations and I just wanted to let some of the frustration out since nothing has really changed fully yet.

Goodbye DD/LG…

Goodbye DD/LG…

     So J and I had a very serious talk today after celebrating our one year engagement… I mean, I guess I already knew he wasn’t really into the entire time, I just kinda convinced myself he would get into this subcategory of BDSM… Especially when he realized how much it meant to me, how it’s a part of me.. I was wrong, like I am about most things. He said it just drains him, that he feels like a pedophile, he can’t get past it for me…

     I’m the one who usually makes compromises I guess… It’s easier for me than it is for him, I’m used to doing things for people, unlike him. He’s to much of his own person. I don’t want to guilt him into doing it though, then it isn’t real, and I believe that would hurt more than him just not doing it anymore… The little bit that he did do… It hurts more believing this time he’ll actually get into it then just not doing it with him at all… I don’t need a daddy… I can be a little by myself, no rules I guess, yay!

     I am slightly mad though… I was willing to change / uproot my entire life for him… I was willing to follow him around for about 4-8 years while he was in the military before he got discharged… I waited for him patiently while he was at boot camp, and while he was at school, until he came home… Not once did I think about cheating or anything like that… But he can’t do this one thing for me, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. He’s never really actually done something like that… Only things that make him comfortable… Doesn’t he think about how uncomfortable I felt when he joined? When he left? That was the worst 6 months of my life, I hated every minute of it, but I supported him the entire time, I stuck by his side and listened to him and learned things about his branch of the military for him..

     I just feel like my heart shattered and was stabbed a few times. I feel like there’s a hole in my chest and stomach… I honestly thought this time I would get a Daddy… None of my ex’s liked it, he told me he did… He let me get a onsie that says “I ❤ daddy” on it and an adult pacifier… But he just lied, I feel even more alone about this than I was before I told him about it… Now the only person I had in this community isn’t really a part of it…. I have no one now…

     I don’t even know how to be happy without this… It helps me escape from the real world, let’s me forget about being an adult and all the things I have to do, for just a little while… It’s so much harder to do that without a Daddy… There’s no one there to reassure you… Make you feel safe..

     At least he likes the rest of BDSM I guess.. I still have that to help me out a little… Just wish he was actually into the part of me that I feel like I need the most.. I don’t know why this is my favorite part, before I even knew it was an actual thing I liked it, I’ve always been childish, always loved being taken care of… It’s just a part of me, it’s not just a thing I learned about and got into, it’s a part of my personality… And he doesn’t love this part of me… What if he stops loving the other parts of me?

     I mean, I know logically that he never loved that part, so it’s not like he’s falling out of love with me. But… He led me to believe that he did love that part of me… So I guess that’s why it hurts so bad… It kind of feels like I was just abandoned, even though he’s still my fiance and everything… But… He’s not my Daddy anymore.. So I guess in some way I was abandoned… Just only one part of me was abandoned though….

BDSM

BDSM

      BDSM by itself is a very touchy subject, it’s not something most people will talk about. While exploring my sexuality while growing up, I always believed that it was an evil thing, that only people who hurt others liked that stuff… I guess it’s the way I always heard about it growing up, I brought it up once to my mother when I was 15, because I heard about it in a show about serial killers. Her reaction I’ll never forget, she got all angry; scared the fucking shit out of me. It didn’t help when I look it up, out of curiosity… It made me wet… I imagined it happening to me… I wanted it more than anything, but at the same time I didn’t…. I thought if I ever tried it I would become a bad person, that I would have to hurt people. Well here I am now, at 19, and I practice BDSM with my fiance, and I haven’t purposely hurt one person.

     BDSM has honestly helped me a lot, which surprised me considering my past. I can confirm that I was sexually assaulted when I was 15 or 16, can’t remember if it was before or after my birthday; and I honestly believe I was sexually assulted when I was a lot younger, but I can’t really remember much other than them telling me I can’t call my mom until I stop crying and promised not to say anything. I never did, and I honestly forgot about it for a long time, I only started to remember after getting raped.

     BDSM makes me feel safe and calm, with the right person obviously. I’ve tried it once or twice with one of my ex girlfriends, and that didn’t work very well, I felt very scared and unsafe. With J though, I asked to try it when we first started dating and it was amazing. I loved every second of it, I felt like a whole new me. I felt good, I enjoyed sex! I never enjoyed sex, I was a virgin before the rape, and afterwords I had sex a bunch of times with a few other people. Until J I didn’t enjoy sex, sex was a thing I dreaded, but I did it because I didn’t feel good enough about myself to say no. With J though, I feel good about myself, I feel like I can say no to him. Especially since we brought BDSM into our relationship, it feels like for once in my life I have control over something that happens to my body.

     Sounds weird doesn’t it? Me being a submissive in a BDSM sexual relationship makes me feel like I have control? It’s extremely weird to me, but it honestly does, because he listens to me. If I want him to stop something he will, if I say the safe word. When I want to try something new, he’ll try it, unless it’s something he isn’t comfortable with at all, just like I do sometimes.

     It’s the most freeing thing in the world, now that I know the truth and I do it. I feel like I can completely let go. I enjoy being his little “pet” his little play thing. I like being told what to do and how, I love when he “punishes me” when he “makes” me do things I don’t want to. it’s the most freeing thing in the world to me.

     I don’t fully understand the stigma on BDSM, obviously it’s not for everyone. But it could help others, so why make it seem like it’s such a terrible thing? Not everyone who does it is a bad person, just like not every person who only likes vanilla sex is a good person. The sex you like doesn’t determine the kind of person you are. I think it’s absolutely absurd that other people think otherwise.

BDSM and pregnant / mother to be?

BDSM and pregnant / mother to be?

Something most people don’t know about J and I is that we’re in a DD/LG [daddy Dom/little girl]  relationship (a specific type of Dom/sub relationship). We’ve been in this kind of relationship for most of our relationship, and he’s an amazing daddy Dom. I love his daddy Dom side, he’s very firm yet very loving work me. 

Since I’ve gotten pregnant though we’ve both been having a hard time going into Daddy and little space. I really miss it and I’ve tried talking to him about it, it’s hard to though. We’ve both have have a huge responsibility on the way, along with us working most of the day almost everyday. It seems like we don’t really have time for the DD/LG part of our relationship anymore, which really sucks. 

I love being his little girl, he loves being my daddy. It’s something we did all the time when together, now it’s just during sex. He doesn’t color with me, read to me, play with my stuffed animals with me anymore. I miss it so much, I feel like a huge part of me / our relationship is disappearing. 

We did talk about it for a few minutes a few days ago. He said he feels like if we keep up with the DD/LG part of our relationship, he’ll end up having to take care of the baby and me by himself. Which is NOT true, I want our baby very much, and will be a mother. I only want the dd/lg to be during our time alone together, like it’s been​ the entire time. I don’t know how to explain it to him though, it’s always been hard for me to talk to him about my BDSM wants/needs. 

Our kinky sex has kinda stopped as well, all we really do is take turns tying each other up and I call him daddy during sex. We used to do so much more, like spanking, breath play, hair pulling, blind folding, and a lot lot lot more. He’s to afraid to do any of that anymore though, he’s afraid he’ll hurt the baby if we do any of this. I’m not even showing that much, he doesn’t need to worry as much as he does. It’s not like we do really crazy things that can really harm me, and the things we do we know how to do safely. 

I’ll probably write another post to update how things are going. I’m going to try and talk to him tonight at work, if I don’t pass out as soon as we get home.