All my life I hated how I look but I never really do anything about it. The best I ever felt was when I had a Mohawk in middle school / beginning of high school, because I constantly did my hair (making it so it would stick up or coloring it) and I wore make up. It was dark make up (all black, don’t judge my emo teenage self lol), but it was still make up. Even though I was going through anorexia, I still felt good about myself at the same time because I was putting some effort into my looks (the hair and make up).
The thing is, I’ve stopped doing both. I either have my hair up in a messy bun, or just laying flat. I threw away all my make up (it was really old, from my freshman year of high school) except the lip stick I wore on my wedding day since I had just bought it that day. I feel like a mess all the time and I always feel so unattractive, and contrary to what my husband thinks, it’s not because other peoples reactions or anything. No one ever complimented or insulted my looks except saying I looked really pretty in my wedding dress. I honestly couldn’t care less what other people thought of me, it’s myself that’s concerned about this.
I want to see myself as pretty, I was to do my hair and make up like other girls, I feel really feminine lately. I’d also like to wear dresses more often once it gets warm outside. I want more feminine clothes, not just t-shirts and jeans all the time. Thing is, I don’t know how to go about it all.. I’ve never been very good with hair & make-up; and I’m TERRIBLE at matching clothes together, which is a part of autism. Sometimes I really hate my autism because it makes it harder for me to be like other normal girls. I mean, I’m in my 20’s, have no actual friends other than my husband… I’m not good at making friends, but I desperately want them. I keep telling J he needs to ask his friend if him and his fiancé would like to go on a double date sometime that way I can be friends with her (assuming we’ll get along).
I think that I want to get new eye liner & mascara (that’s the only thing I know how to put on) and maybe some lipstick. I want to see myself as pretty for once in my life. I’m actually at a pretty healthy weight, but I just… The rest of me doesn’t look very good and I have the urge to stop eating again, even though I still want to gain some more weight. I keep thinking, maybe if I work on my appearance more and find myself more attractive I’ll eat more healthy and gain more weight so that I’m actually healthy. Plus maybe if I work on myself more I’ll feel less depressed. I always feel like I’m not good enough or that I’m just lazy. I don’t want to feel lazy and not good enough, I should make more of an effort.
I mean I know I work in a warehouse and all, that not many people aren’t going to see me. It’s not about other people though it’s about me, like I haven’t even gotten my hair trimmed since before our wedding and the ends of my hair is all fuzzy and damaged. Plus half of my hair is still light brown from when I dyed it a year ago, since it’s taking forever to grow out and I don’t want to cut my hair short again. I want it to stay long, my ultimate goal is to be able to put all my hair into one long braid. I love how braids look but the most I can do is two braids into pigtails or multiple small braids. Plus I’m regretting the bangs I got wwwaaayyyy before our wedding, they’re just taking forever to grow out. They can now be pushed to the side and just looks like I had layers or something but it’s still noticeable sometimes.
I just need to work on me more… Need to learn how to do that also, I’m super tired of feeling like this. I usually don’t feel so strongly, might be a part of my seasonal depression. Plus it doesn’t help that I’ve been feeling extra bad about the miscarriages and the possibility that I can never have children….
Plus I’ve been wanting to dye my hair again, maybe red or black.. I really want to do blue or something but J’s mother would NOT be okay with that and since I live with her I have to keep it normal unless I never want to hear the end of it. Just like I have to wait until we move out to get the nose piercing I want and to get the tattoo of the ED recovery symbol with a butterfly on my wrist. Which is irritating, since I pay her $500 but whatever. I’ll get it eventually, and I could get it if I wanted but I know it would come with a lecture and me being super irritated and J and I would end up getting into a fight. So it’s better to wait for those things. But honestly I want red or black hair again, I always looked really nice with it but I can’t decide which I want and I don’t know if J would even like how it would look on me and I do care what he thinks. I haven’t brought up dying my hair to him, because I’m not fully sure if I want to, it’s just been something I’ve been thinking about the last few weeks. Plus it would suck if I changed my mind about it afterwords because I would have to wait for it to grow back out.
The only thing I’m fully sure I want right now is to start doing my hair in the morning and maybe a little make up. So I’m going to start working on that, and I’m going to keep thinking about the dying my hair thing until I’m 1000% sure it’s what I want.