Thoughts On Our Future

Thoughts On Our Future

     Work doesn’t require me to do a lot of thinking so I kind of just go off into my own world. I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that I’ll most likely never be a mother and what that would do to J and my lives later on. Our entire relationship we’ve always talked about having kids one day, and as you guys know we were almost successful before. The thing is, now I have more information so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be trying to have kids ever again. Who knows though, maybe when we’re older they will have something that could help with my double mutation.

      We’ve talked a little bit about other options, like adopting, foster care, maybe a surrogate (we got rid of that idea real fast after reading some things about that option though). We’re pretty young so maybe our minds will change in a few years, but as of now we don’t want to adopt or do foster care. I’m honestly not even sure if we’d get approved for foster care since we both have a documented history of mental illness along with my aspergers. Maybe things will change in a few years, but that’s out decision at the moment.

      So as of right now since things look like we aren’t having kids, how do we see our lives going? Well lets talk about some of the bases, we are saving up for a mobile home; that’s kinda been the plan since the beginning but we have briefly talked about getting a house before. After getting our own mobil home we’re going to get some pets of our own, a few dogs and maybe a cat or two. I know for a fact we’re going to get a black lab, I grew up with one and it was the most sweet & loving dog I’ve ever met and I just love the breed. We might get a husky or a pug, we haven’t really decided, I defiantly want a maincoon (a type of cat that gets really big). I’m thinking about getting a turtle or fish- J has been talking about parrot fish a lot lately and I think I want to surprise him with one when we get our own place.

      I want to get at least a two bedroom mobil home, that way if we decide to have kids we wont have to find a new place, there’s already a room available. Until we have kids, or if we stick with the not having any, the second room will be a guest room. It’ll be used for our future nieces and nephews, and my little sister A (since she’s only 11 right now).

      One upside to no kids? We’ll be able to have sex where ever we want in the house. Plus I wont have to worry about J stopping the DD/LG play if we don’t have kids. Once we have our own home I’m going to try to get J to try some new BDSM stuff we haven’t tried before, or just haven’t done since we stayed in a hotel for a few days a year ago. I really want to try “humiliation” punishments once we have our own place (I’m going to bring it up on our honeymoon and possibly try it then). I’m also thinking, since we wont have kids we’ll be able to do more things together & have more money. Once J finishes paying off his debt (almost there btw!) and we live on our own we can basically do whatever we want. We’ll be able to go away on weekends (camping!) or just walk around the house naked / have sex anywhere (he can bend me over the kitchen counter and fuck me whenever he wants!).

      I’m still really upset about not being able to have kids, but at least it’s not all bad. I prefer to have kids to all this, but since it’s not really in our cards, mine as well look at the bright side.

Advertisements
I May Never Get Pregnant Or Carry Full-Term

I May Never Get Pregnant Or Carry Full-Term

    I’ve only ever did light reading on my double MTHFR mutation, I’ve never really read a lot about it. My mom read a lot more than I did, I really wish that I did read more… I read that it can be difficult to ever get pregnant, and if you do happen to get pregnant it’s basically guaranteed your baby will have a birth defect..

      That’s with just one MTHFR gene, I have two. So I mentioned it to my mom the other day when I saw her.. Apparently it’s next to impossible to become pregnant, and if you do get pregnant you’re most likely to have a miscarriage. Let’s say that I do get pregnant, and carry full-term; There’s no way that they’ll be born without a birth defect. If I do have a child I’m going to be giving them a life that is going to be super hard for them…. Or they’ll suffer for a few week, months, or even a few years before they die…

       Am I making the right decision trying to get pregnant? I didn’t know all this before, but now I have the information… Is it really the right thing to do? To try to get pregnant, knowing what I could be doing to our future children… I keep wondering if the baby I was pregnant with was suffering inside me, I mean I never got an ultrasound or anything, so no one ever seen it… For all I know it could’ve been in pain, I was 4 or 5 months along can’t the baby start feelings things around then? I mean I felt the baby moving around inside me for a sort while.

       I’m honestly upset about this, that’s something I’ve always wanted to have a family, have my own children…. J says he doesn’t care if we have kids or not, but he’s so good with kids and he always pretends my cousin and my sister are his kids, that’s how he’s so good with them. Kids, that’s something that’s been in J and my plans since we’ve started dating; especially since we’ve gotten engaged and the closer we get to our marriage.

Something that still really bothers me is all the people I went to school with that are already pregnant or already parents. A few of them are even younger than me and are getting pregnant and having babies. I understand that mistakes happen, and sometimes afterwards it turns out to be the best mistake of your life… But barely any of them are prepared; I’m more prepared and ready than them but yet I probably will never be able to get pregnant.. Sometimes the world really sucks and is extremely unfair. Guess I’ll just have to suck it up and deal with it..

      I haven’t told J all this yet, all I’ve told him is what I’ve decided. I’ve decided that I don’t want to adopt, don’t want to do foster care, and absolutely don’t ‘want to do surrogate. All of that is so unreliable and cost so much, I rather just not have kids than have to go through that.  There’s always pets, it wont be the same as kids, but it’s the best I could do if I don’t get pregnant and have a baby..

How I see my life with J

How I see my life with J

      I see us doing everything together, I don’t see anything like super out there. I just see us growing old together with our small family we start together.  I see us going to my youngest sisters school stuff like we already do, our favorite thing is her chours concerts; we always record them. I see us doing that with our own children one day.  

      I see us with a bunch of cats and dogs, maybe some more birds, who knows. I see our little house or double wide trailer (I’ve been trying to get him to agree to getting one once we can afford one instead of a house) decorated with pictures of us and our family, paintings, and drawings by our kids or my sister’s. 

      I see us working the way we do now; well the way he does now and the way I will be soon. Monday-Friday at a warehouse, off weekends, off on major holidays. I see family vacations, family movie/game nights, family dinners. I see us living a very family oriented life, how we both always wanted. 

        I see him always being there, never leaving us. I see having my first child with him, him being there during the birth, for all those major moments in our child’s life. I know he’s going to be a better father than mine ever was, than his father ever was. I love him more than anything, I can’t see my life without him. 

Today’s Thoughts

Today’s Thoughts

     The interview went pretty well, I think. They said that they’ll call me back this week when the hiring manager is there, and that I seem like I’m a very friendly person and hope to see me again. I can’t tell if she was saying that because they want to hire me or because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings, I’m going to stay hopeful though! I really don’t want to go back to Wal-Mart… Chick-fil-a was my very first choice so I’m really excited, and I really hope that I got it, I looked them in the eyes, talked to them, told them about what I do at my current job and what I did at my old job. She seemed to like me so hopefully They hire me, I’m very motivated for this job and I plan to work there for a while, I hear it’s a good place to work and I like working in fast food a lot more than I do at Wal-Mart.

     J and I both kinda have baby fever, his is obviously not as strong as mine, but he has it. The other day he sent me a video he was watching of a baby getting excited over a cat. We talked a little bit about what’s gonna happen when we have a baby and when I’m pregnant. We even decided on a new nickname for the baby until we find out what sex the baby is; the nickname is going to be little creature. I’m really hoping this time it works out, I want us to start a family, so does J; at least he says he does.

     I’m having these cravings, all I want to eat is french toast, mashed potatoes, and my moose tracks ice cream. I also kinda want to have cheese pizza, maybe a cheeseburger. I think the french toast and the ice cream is at the top of my list. I don’t even know why I want it so bad, but I feel like I could just eat a whole loaf of breads worth of french toast. I also feel like I could eat the whole carton of the moose tracks ice cream. I don’t usually crave foods like this, so it’s kinda weird, who knows; maybe I’m pregnant? Who knows.

     J and I are doing a little more of the BDSM like I wanted, it’s pretty amazing. I love it when he actually gets in dom/daddy space, it’s amazing and fucking sexy. The other day when I came home he made me get on my knees and give him a blow job while looking up at him. It was literally the sexiest thing he’s ever made me do, I hate giving blow jobs but when he made me do it, I liked it a lot. Then he fucked me while choking me among other things. I loved it, I’m really hoping that it continues.

     Last week J and I went to the zoo with my mom and my youngest sister A. It was absolutely amazing, they had so many birds! I love birds with all my heart, and I even found a cute macaw stuffed animal in the gift shop that I bought. It looked exactly like the one macaw they had, I fell in love with it. There was a really sweet cockatoo there that gave me kisses and kept saying hello to me and let me pet it. They also had a donkey there that cried if you walked away after petting it, and a bear sitting in a tub, and the wolves started howling out of nowhere.

     Also my mother, God I can’t stand her. She took me off her health insurance, and told me I had to reapply, which I understand, but the thing is… I asked for help multiple times, and she keeps saying she’s to busy to help me. Well yesterday, I had a break down because of it. She called me early in the morning and told me I needed to get it done, and was being really mean to me because I didn’t have it done yet, I asked for help and she told me she was busy. So I asked my aunt to help me when she comes home from her vacation. Today she called me asking why didn’t I just let my mom help me yesterday. Turns out she called my mom asking her why I didn’t ask her, my mom told her she offered to help me yesterday; she didn’t offer me help anymore, just told me I have to get it done then hung up on me. Now my aunt thinks I’m a liar, I don’t understand why anyone listens to her she lies all the time.

Baby Baby Baby

Baby Baby Baby

     I’m so jealous, there’s this woman and her husband that’s been coming to my job since I started working there. She’s been pregnant the entire time, and yesterday she came in and SHE HAD THE BABY!!! It was so cute, and I just keep thinking, if I didn’t lose the baby I would be having the baby sometime soon. I can’t help but feel jealous that she’s had her baby and I haven’t and that I’m not pregnant again yet. I’m still not even having regular periods since.

     All that’s in my mind is “baby baby baby, pregnant pregnant pregnant” and so on and so forth. J and I had a really good conversation about what we want for our baby and how we want to parent our baby. I’m very excited for it all to happen, for the pregnancy, the birth, the baby growing up into an adult.

     Though one thing is kinda bothering me is that I’m afraid I’ll never be able to get pregnant and carry to full term. I really want to have a family, I don’t want to have to adopt, I will if I have to… But I really want to be pregnant, I want to give birth… I want to start my family, build a family with J… Hopefully I’ll be able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. Who knows, maybe it’ll happen once I stop worrying about it.

Our Relationship and Sex Life

Our Relationship and Sex Life

     Last night he actually tied me up really good and was rough with me. I absolutely loved it! Tonight we’re going to talk about more things I want him to do with BDSM and our relationship. I’m very excited, I wrote down everything I either want to try or do tings I want to do more of. Some of the things I don’t think he’ll actually do, but it doesn’t hurt to mention it. Here’s the list of things I wrote down:

  1. Sexual Torture
  2. Sexual Humilation
  3. Light Spankings (when people are home) Hard Spankings (when we’re home alone)
  4. “Rape”/Force
  5. More Choking/Breath Play
  6. More Rope Play
  7. More DD/LG (want you to be more daddyish)
  8. You Intiate Sex More Often
  9. Eat Me Out More / Do That Thing I Like More Often
  10. “Force” Me To Give You A Blow Job
  11. Try Role-Playing
  12. Outside Sex
  13. Subissive Training
  14. Sensation Play

     Some of the things I’ve written down him and I haven’t done together but I’ve done with a few of my ex’s and I really enjoyed it. I really want to do those things with him. Hopefully J is open minded about it and actually tries some of these things…

     I also wrote out some things I want to change in our relationship because things as you guys know haven’t been the best. The last few days things have been good and  really want it to stay going good, plus I want to do new things with him. We haven’t really done much together the last year, especially since he was gone for half the year.

  1. Do More Together (other than sex and video games)
  2. Have More Conversations
  3. Go On Walks
  4. Do Adventures Together Again
  5. Be More Honest To Each Other

     There’s more things I want changed but I can’t think of them, this was all I came up with. I’m hoping J comes up with things on his own because I really want him to put in effort of his own. Especially since we’re actually trying for a baby again, want things to be good between us like they used to be.

     Oh, yeah I kinda talked to him a little more about the baby fever and we decided to try again. Even though we weren’t really doing anything to prevent it before we’re having sex more, at least he said we would. I’m hoping it works this time cause I think we’re more prepared than last time.

My Baby Fever Is Back

My Baby Fever Is Back

     Here it comes again at full speed, baby fever. I haven’t had it that much in the last few weeks, maybe month or so. Probably because I’ve been distracted by trying to find a new job (and still am) and the problems between J and I. Since yesterday though, all I keep thinking about it babies and starting a family with J.

     Things have been good between J and I again, I think I’m getting closer to finding a new job, and I have plans to spend time with my aunt and J sometime soon! I’m just in an overall good mood the last few days, and yesterday I saw some pictures of a few people I went to school with their baby bumps. That’s most likely what triggered my baby fever again. Plus J and I had sex recently and didn’t use a condom, I don’t think we’re really trying anymore, we’re just not doing anything to prevent it.

     Obviously things aren’t the best, we live with his mother and I’m at a stressful job and desperately trying to find a new one, J doesn’t have his license yet (he’s been driving and is going to get it in a few months after his birthday!). Thing is, we both want a baby and I guess we don’t really care since we were already prepared before when we had nothing. Even though we aren’t fully ready, we’re defiantly more ready than some other people; and we both want to be parents.

     I honestly don’t know where I’m really going with this right now, mostly just rambling on my thoughts about how I would feel if I was to get pregnant right now. A few post ago I wasn’t to thrilled when I thoughts I was pregnant, but right now it would be pretty awesome. I mean I’d be excited no matter when it happens, it’s just sometimes I want it more than other times.

     All I keep thinking about is a little baby that looks like J and/or I. Everytime I picture it my heart melts and my ovaries start to scream “AHHHH!!! SO CUTE!!!! NEED THIS!!!” whenever I tell J this he laughs. My baby fever has gotten so intense in so fast that I’ve been (IN MY HEAD, HAVEN’T TOLD ANYONE THIS!!!!) pretending I’m pregnant, feeling my best and all that. I only do it when I’m by myself, not even in front of J. I keep hoping that I am pregnant, but I don’t think it’s gonna happen anytime soon. I mean, if you count when I was pregnant for that short time up to now, we’ve been trying on and off again for about 9 months. We only used condoms a handful of times, and usually didn’t even use the condom all the way through. So how is it that I’m still not pregnant? I just don’t understand.

     I don’t even know how to really bring it up to J, I told him I have baby fever again. I just haven’t really talked to him about the lengths. I kinda feel like it’s pointless to have a full on discussion about it when first off he can’t really do anything about it plus it’ll probably go away in a few days or weeks. I really hope to be pregnant sometime soon; I’m really excited about starting a family with J and I don’t know… I’ve always wanted to be a mom and the miscarriages really made me feel crappy about myself. Plus I just really want to create a life with the man I love and to help teach a person what life is and watch them grow into the person they’re meant to be.

      I get so jealous when I see my old classmates post about their pregnancy or about their babies… Like why did I have to miscarry? Twice? I know the first time was possibly a good thing since it was from rape and who knows if J and I would’ve ended up together if I did have the baby… But… It still hurts, I loved that baby as much as I love ours, but things happen for a reason, I think. Plus just seeing the emotions and body changes they’re going through.. I want that.. I want to feel the back pain, the nausea, the exhaustion. I want to feel the pain of giving birth to have our little bundle of joy placed in my arms. I want to see J be a father, I want to watch our child grow into an adult and have a happy life and start a family of their own.

     It’ll happen one day… Soon hopefully, I’ll just keep hoping until I finally give birth to a healthy baby. I can’t wait to see how things turn out and to go through all the joy (and troubles) of being a parent.