What The Hell

What The Hell

     It’s been close to 6 months, maybe a little over 6 months? Since I’ve had my miscarriage, I was just starting to finally move on from it, haven’t talked about it in weeks. Then yesterday at work, five separate people (who all work there but I’ve never talked to, they work in different departments) came up to me and asked me if I had my baby yet… Like it’s been 6 months, I never got big, I never missed weeks of work.

     One thing, actually two things, that really bothered me about it is that the first person to ask me was after I was there for only 10 minutes. I was working with a customer and this cashier comes up to me and goes “Hi Natalie! Have you had that baby yet?” I literally teared up and told them I had a miscarriage like 6 months ago. They looked nervous, apologized and walked away, the customer looked at me and told me that it ruined her day that they just asked me that. The second thing that bothered me? The third, maybe fourth person who asked me, after I told her I had a miscarriage, she said “oh… So they weren’t lying..” apologized, than walked away.

     Were they talking about me and my dead baby? That doesn’t even make sense, I literally only talk to a few people who work in the deli! How would they even know I was pregnant, I never showed, and it’s been 6 months! Like I said before, I never missed multiple weeks of work. They had to of known that I miscarried, it had to be just to mess with me. Sounds paranoid, I know, but this place is truly awful, I really wouldn’t put it past them.

     Am I Just not allowed to move on from this? I’m tired of feeling this empty spot in my chest… I’m supposed to be happy and excited, I’m getting married in October!!! This shouldn’t be on my mind right now; I just bought my wedding dress, I’m looking for shoes, trying to decide what to do with my hair for my wedding. Now I’m having extreme anxiety and sadness over this. I’ll get over it eventually, hopefully before the wedding and honeymoon.

Trying To Conceive

Trying To Conceive

     As everyone here knows J and I have been trying for months to get pregnant. I’m getting really frustrated, and I think J is getting slightly frustrated about it also. I’m just starting to feel really discouraged; it feels like I can’t get pregnant and even if I was able to again I feel as if all it’ll ever end in is a miscarriage. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal to me, it’s not like I’m old or anything, I’m only 19… It’s just, feels…. I don’t even know to be honest.

     It’s just frustrated, I went to three seperate high schools, so I know a lot of people, weather I’m friends with them or not doesn’t really make a difference. I’m friends with most of them on facebook and I follow a few of them on instagram. Let me tell you, it’s so irritating, a few of the people got engaged and married after I’ve gotten engaged, A LOT has gotten pregnant, and/or had a baby already. I’ve been engaged for over a year and yet I’m still not married, I live with my fiance’s family. I fucking live with his family, they live on their own. Some even with children.

      I know it’s bad to compare your situations to others, but it’s frustrating, cause I just want this so badly and I’ve been trying so very hard to get these things. I make it very clear with J that I want these things and he says he wants these things also. Though I’m not so sure he wants us to live on our own. The other week  J had a conversation with his mother without even talking to me first. Apparently his mother and him decided that if we stay living here until she dies we can have the place. I thought both J and I have decided that we wanted to buy a house together one day, most likely a town house but still.

     I don’t understand how some of them can even afford what they have. I know a single mom I went to high school with that owns her own house and she just works at a daycare. Especially since she just works at her friends daycare in their house, so how can she afford a house, a car, and a 4 year old? Like what the hell?

     Sorry for ranting, I’m just beyond frustrated and jealous right now. Plus J and I don’t even have sex all that often anymore, we had sex twice last week. I ask for it all the time, but he’s barely ever in the mood anymore, he’s always so tired after work. It doesn’t bother me normally but we’re trying to get pregnant.

Today’s Thoughts

Today’s Thoughts

     The interview went pretty well, I think. They said that they’ll call me back this week when the hiring manager is there, and that I seem like I’m a very friendly person and hope to see me again. I can’t tell if she was saying that because they want to hire me or because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings, I’m going to stay hopeful though! I really don’t want to go back to Wal-Mart… Chick-fil-a was my very first choice so I’m really excited, and I really hope that I got it, I looked them in the eyes, talked to them, told them about what I do at my current job and what I did at my old job. She seemed to like me so hopefully They hire me, I’m very motivated for this job and I plan to work there for a while, I hear it’s a good place to work and I like working in fast food a lot more than I do at Wal-Mart.

     J and I both kinda have baby fever, his is obviously not as strong as mine, but he has it. The other day he sent me a video he was watching of a baby getting excited over a cat. We talked a little bit about what’s gonna happen when we have a baby and when I’m pregnant. We even decided on a new nickname for the baby until we find out what sex the baby is; the nickname is going to be little creature. I’m really hoping this time it works out, I want us to start a family, so does J; at least he says he does.

     I’m having these cravings, all I want to eat is french toast, mashed potatoes, and my moose tracks ice cream. I also kinda want to have cheese pizza, maybe a cheeseburger. I think the french toast and the ice cream is at the top of my list. I don’t even know why I want it so bad, but I feel like I could just eat a whole loaf of breads worth of french toast. I also feel like I could eat the whole carton of the moose tracks ice cream. I don’t usually crave foods like this, so it’s kinda weird, who knows; maybe I’m pregnant? Who knows.

     J and I are doing a little more of the BDSM like I wanted, it’s pretty amazing. I love it when he actually gets in dom/daddy space, it’s amazing and fucking sexy. The other day when I came home he made me get on my knees and give him a blow job while looking up at him. It was literally the sexiest thing he’s ever made me do, I hate giving blow jobs but when he made me do it, I liked it a lot. Then he fucked me while choking me among other things. I loved it, I’m really hoping that it continues.

     Last week J and I went to the zoo with my mom and my youngest sister A. It was absolutely amazing, they had so many birds! I love birds with all my heart, and I even found a cute macaw stuffed animal in the gift shop that I bought. It looked exactly like the one macaw they had, I fell in love with it. There was a really sweet cockatoo there that gave me kisses and kept saying hello to me and let me pet it. They also had a donkey there that cried if you walked away after petting it, and a bear sitting in a tub, and the wolves started howling out of nowhere.

     Also my mother, God I can’t stand her. She took me off her health insurance, and told me I had to reapply, which I understand, but the thing is… I asked for help multiple times, and she keeps saying she’s to busy to help me. Well yesterday, I had a break down because of it. She called me early in the morning and told me I needed to get it done, and was being really mean to me because I didn’t have it done yet, I asked for help and she told me she was busy. So I asked my aunt to help me when she comes home from her vacation. Today she called me asking why didn’t I just let my mom help me yesterday. Turns out she called my mom asking her why I didn’t ask her, my mom told her she offered to help me yesterday; she didn’t offer me help anymore, just told me I have to get it done then hung up on me. Now my aunt thinks I’m a liar, I don’t understand why anyone listens to her she lies all the time.

Baby Baby Baby

Baby Baby Baby

     I’m so jealous, there’s this woman and her husband that’s been coming to my job since I started working there. She’s been pregnant the entire time, and yesterday she came in and SHE HAD THE BABY!!! It was so cute, and I just keep thinking, if I didn’t lose the baby I would be having the baby sometime soon. I can’t help but feel jealous that she’s had her baby and I haven’t and that I’m not pregnant again yet. I’m still not even having regular periods since.

     All that’s in my mind is “baby baby baby, pregnant pregnant pregnant” and so on and so forth. J and I had a really good conversation about what we want for our baby and how we want to parent our baby. I’m very excited for it all to happen, for the pregnancy, the birth, the baby growing up into an adult.

     Though one thing is kinda bothering me is that I’m afraid I’ll never be able to get pregnant and carry to full term. I really want to have a family, I don’t want to have to adopt, I will if I have to… But I really want to be pregnant, I want to give birth… I want to start my family, build a family with J… Hopefully I’ll be able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. Who knows, maybe it’ll happen once I stop worrying about it.

Our Relationship and Sex Life

Our Relationship and Sex Life

     Last night he actually tied me up really good and was rough with me. I absolutely loved it! Tonight we’re going to talk about more things I want him to do with BDSM and our relationship. I’m very excited, I wrote down everything I either want to try or do tings I want to do more of. Some of the things I don’t think he’ll actually do, but it doesn’t hurt to mention it. Here’s the list of things I wrote down:

  1. Sexual Torture
  2. Sexual Humilation
  3. Light Spankings (when people are home) Hard Spankings (when we’re home alone)
  4. “Rape”/Force
  5. More Choking/Breath Play
  6. More Rope Play
  7. More DD/LG (want you to be more daddyish)
  8. You Intiate Sex More Often
  9. Eat Me Out More / Do That Thing I Like More Often
  10. “Force” Me To Give You A Blow Job
  11. Try Role-Playing
  12. Outside Sex
  13. Subissive Training
  14. Sensation Play

     Some of the things I’ve written down him and I haven’t done together but I’ve done with a few of my ex’s and I really enjoyed it. I really want to do those things with him. Hopefully J is open minded about it and actually tries some of these things…

     I also wrote out some things I want to change in our relationship because things as you guys know haven’t been the best. The last few days things have been good and  really want it to stay going good, plus I want to do new things with him. We haven’t really done much together the last year, especially since he was gone for half the year.

  1. Do More Together (other than sex and video games)
  2. Have More Conversations
  3. Go On Walks
  4. Do Adventures Together Again
  5. Be More Honest To Each Other

     There’s more things I want changed but I can’t think of them, this was all I came up with. I’m hoping J comes up with things on his own because I really want him to put in effort of his own. Especially since we’re actually trying for a baby again, want things to be good between us like they used to be.

     Oh, yeah I kinda talked to him a little more about the baby fever and we decided to try again. Even though we weren’t really doing anything to prevent it before we’re having sex more, at least he said we would. I’m hoping it works this time cause I think we’re more prepared than last time.

My Baby Fever Is Back

My Baby Fever Is Back

     Here it comes again at full speed, baby fever. I haven’t had it that much in the last few weeks, maybe month or so. Probably because I’ve been distracted by trying to find a new job (and still am) and the problems between J and I. Since yesterday though, all I keep thinking about it babies and starting a family with J.

     Things have been good between J and I again, I think I’m getting closer to finding a new job, and I have plans to spend time with my aunt and J sometime soon! I’m just in an overall good mood the last few days, and yesterday I saw some pictures of a few people I went to school with their baby bumps. That’s most likely what triggered my baby fever again. Plus J and I had sex recently and didn’t use a condom, I don’t think we’re really trying anymore, we’re just not doing anything to prevent it.

     Obviously things aren’t the best, we live with his mother and I’m at a stressful job and desperately trying to find a new one, J doesn’t have his license yet (he’s been driving and is going to get it in a few months after his birthday!). Thing is, we both want a baby and I guess we don’t really care since we were already prepared before when we had nothing. Even though we aren’t fully ready, we’re defiantly more ready than some other people; and we both want to be parents.

     I honestly don’t know where I’m really going with this right now, mostly just rambling on my thoughts about how I would feel if I was to get pregnant right now. A few post ago I wasn’t to thrilled when I thoughts I was pregnant, but right now it would be pretty awesome. I mean I’d be excited no matter when it happens, it’s just sometimes I want it more than other times.

     All I keep thinking about is a little baby that looks like J and/or I. Everytime I picture it my heart melts and my ovaries start to scream “AHHHH!!! SO CUTE!!!! NEED THIS!!!” whenever I tell J this he laughs. My baby fever has gotten so intense in so fast that I’ve been (IN MY HEAD, HAVEN’T TOLD ANYONE THIS!!!!) pretending I’m pregnant, feeling my best and all that. I only do it when I’m by myself, not even in front of J. I keep hoping that I am pregnant, but I don’t think it’s gonna happen anytime soon. I mean, if you count when I was pregnant for that short time up to now, we’ve been trying on and off again for about 9 months. We only used condoms a handful of times, and usually didn’t even use the condom all the way through. So how is it that I’m still not pregnant? I just don’t understand.

     I don’t even know how to really bring it up to J, I told him I have baby fever again. I just haven’t really talked to him about the lengths. I kinda feel like it’s pointless to have a full on discussion about it when first off he can’t really do anything about it plus it’ll probably go away in a few days or weeks. I really hope to be pregnant sometime soon; I’m really excited about starting a family with J and I don’t know… I’ve always wanted to be a mom and the miscarriages really made me feel crappy about myself. Plus I just really want to create a life with the man I love and to help teach a person what life is and watch them grow into the person they’re meant to be.

      I get so jealous when I see my old classmates post about their pregnancy or about their babies… Like why did I have to miscarry? Twice? I know the first time was possibly a good thing since it was from rape and who knows if J and I would’ve ended up together if I did have the baby… But… It still hurts, I loved that baby as much as I love ours, but things happen for a reason, I think. Plus just seeing the emotions and body changes they’re going through.. I want that.. I want to feel the back pain, the nausea, the exhaustion. I want to feel the pain of giving birth to have our little bundle of joy placed in my arms. I want to see J be a father, I want to watch our child grow into an adult and have a happy life and start a family of their own.

     It’ll happen one day… Soon hopefully, I’ll just keep hoping until I finally give birth to a healthy baby. I can’t wait to see how things turn out and to go through all the joy (and troubles) of being a parent.

Hopeful

Hopeful

     Lately I’ve been peeing a lot, I usually don’t take bathroom breaks at work; now I’ve been taking three or four not including my lunch and 15 minute breaks. Smells have been bothering me a lot lately also, Yesterday during my lunch break at work someones lunch smelled so bad that I ended up puking in the bathroom. My stomach has been getting bigger and J keeps saying it feels kinda hard whenever he touches it…

     I’m probably just getting too excited over nothing. I mean, I felt like that before me last period a few weeks ago, I took a test and it had a faint line. Two days after taking the test though I started my period; so it’s most likely nothing. I just really want it to be, though I also don’t want it to be.

     I don’t know, having children means a lot to me; my entire life I’ve wanted to be a mom. I have limitations to when I can have children because of the stupid genetic mutation I have. I want to be married first though, I want to have my own home… J is just now working on getting his licence, I’m not even trying because I have no one to teach me to drive. First we need to buy him a car after he gets his lisence, then we have to save up for a house. We decided we don’t want a mobile home, we want a house that will last longer.

     That will take us maybe two and a half years, if not more. Maybe now wont be the best time to have a baby… Even though we both really want to have kids, maybe just having steady jobs that pay more than $10.25 an hour isn’t enough… We want our kids to have more than that, we want to be able to take them on vacation, for them to have their own rooms; stuff like that.

     Though I’m extremely hopeful that I am, I’m scared to be. I want to be a mommy and want J to be an actual daddy, instead of just a dd/lg daddy. I want the joys, and pain, of growing a baby to full term, and raising the baby to a child, to a teen, to an adult… Really wish this would be a lot easier.

     I keep telling J we should start using condoms again, but it never happens. I don’t even keep up with it either, I let him fuck me without a condom every time. I don’t know why, well that’s a lie, I do know why. It feels amazing and I do want to be pregnant even if I don’t want to be also. If the symptoms don’t go away by next two weeks I’m going to take another test and go from there.