The Lack Of Dominance

The Lack Of Dominance

     Dominance is something I crave very strongly. I love when I’m being dominated, as I’m sure you all know from some of my past post. Well J doesn’t do it that often because he’s not into dominance outside of sex. Frankly he thinks it’s weird to bring it out of sex, which is why I don’t do much of the DD/LG; because that’s just not something he’s interested in. It’s very irritating because I need to be dominated in a nonsexual way sometimes, it helps bring down my anxiety, which I really need right now with the problems at my current job and the slight trouble I’m having with finding a new job.

     sometimes I find it hard to take him seriously because he doesn’t ever seem to want to take control. Plus I just feel kinda ignored when it comes to some of my wants/needs. I do a lot of what he wants; sometimes I wonder if  he’s right when he asks if I think we’re compatible, but when I look at him and we talk I know he’s the one. Even when I don’t get the full BDSM experience I want. It’s just really frustrating right now because of everything going on in my work life and because I for once enjoy sex and feel comfortable and I”m not getting the things I really want to do. I know that sounds kinda bratty, but I don’t mean it in that way, just don’t know how to word it.

      I don’t know how to really explain to him that BDSM is sometimes more than just sex. Maybe there’s no way to get him to understand, he seems very sure of it, that it’s weird to take it out of sex. It’s kinda funny to listen to him talk about it because I think the opposite of a lot of the things he says. I love him, and I love his though process. BDSM isn’t a mandatory thing for me, it’s just… I don’t know, sometimes I wish I could get more from there…

     I’ve tried multiple times to bring it up in many different ways, I even want as far as to “mention” something I “read” that I wanted to just “discuss”. I was very…. disappointed with the results from that. He was absolutely not into the idea and made it very clear. I mean I wasn’t fully into the thing I brought up, I was just mildly interested in it. I just wish he was less judgemental of these things because I’m very open to them, and a lot of it kinda turns me on.

     I love him though, and the sex is good, even when it’s not fully what I want. I want to marry him that’s for sure. I really can’t wait for October…. Well my rant is over, have a wonderful day guys!!!

Frustration

Frustration

     I really really want things to be more intense when it comes to our BDSM life. Things have been getting a lot better with that, we’ve been a lot more intense with it. The thing is though I really want it to be a lot more; I want to try more things. There’s many things stopping that from happening.

     First off J isn’t that into it, well more of worried about it I guess; I’m not fully sure what his thoughts on it is. A few times he’s said he wasn’t into BDSM but recently he said something about being afraid of not being able to control himself. It’s really frustrating, and I feel bad bringing it up since it’s not fully his fault and I’ve already said the same things multiple times.

    Plus, the few times I’m able to get him to actually do things I get really tense and sometimes cry. I hate that I do that because he usually stops or let up, but the thing is I ALWAYS feel better afterwards; especially after he keeps going, but it doesn’t happen that often. It’s so freeing to be tied up and spanked, teased, or anything of that nature. It makes everything so much better, I stop worrying about almost everything, I am just enjoying all the feelings, I cry to let out all the pent-up feelings I have.

     It’s really frustrating when the thing you really need is so hard to get. I’ve never felt so much frustration in my entire life; maybe it’s because I’ve gotten it from him before. I love when he bruised my ass, when he left marks on me from biting, when he chokes me with that look on his face… God that look kills me, makes me so wet, makes me melt into submission. I want him to do so much to me, I want everything he can give, I want to be struggling to get away, moaning for more at the same time.

     I have all this pent-up frustration, stress, even though we just did a few scene’s recently. I guess it wasn’t enough to make up for all that time going without it. It’s been forever since the last time before we did the other day. Even though I can still feel the bruises on my ass, there’s still hickies on my neck, I still feel like I need more. I need his complete dominance, his anger, his frustration, I want it all taken out on me.

     I just want it so badly. J told me he was into it before I even expressed real interest in it, I don’t fully understand why all the sudden he’s not into it. Maybe it’s different thinking about it then doing it for some people, I don’t know… Sorry for the rant, it’s just been the main topic of J and my conversations and I just wanted to let some of the frustration out since nothing has really changed fully yet.

Fixing Things

Fixing Things

     J and I talked again, about the DD/LG part of our relationship. I know I made a post saying that we decided to stop doing it, but we talked again and made a compromise. I explained to him how much it helps me and how it makes me feel and he agreed to do it at least once every other week!

     Sure it’s not as much as I’d like to have, but at least he’ll do it even though he isn’t into it… I’m so glad we were able to work something out that made both of us happy. He even said since there wont be so much pressure on doing it that maybe he’ll actually start enjoying doing it!!!

     I mean.. I know getting excited over it might be a bad idea, because he might not like it, but at least there’s a chance. I really want him to want to be a part of this half of my life, and I know that it shouldn’t be as big of a deal; but for some reason it matters a lot to me.

    I think that it’s probably because it’s just something I’ve always done, before I even knew that DD/LG was a thing. Also it really helps me feel safe, and loved… especially when J acts like a daddy to me, I just feel so loved and accepted.. I just want to feel it more often, but I’ll take what I can get.

Goodbye DD/LG…

Goodbye DD/LG…

     So J and I had a very serious talk today after celebrating our one year engagement… I mean, I guess I already knew he wasn’t really into the entire time, I just kinda convinced myself he would get into this subcategory of BDSM… Especially when he realized how much it meant to me, how it’s a part of me.. I was wrong, like I am about most things. He said it just drains him, that he feels like a pedophile, he can’t get past it for me…

     I’m the one who usually makes compromises I guess… It’s easier for me than it is for him, I’m used to doing things for people, unlike him. He’s to much of his own person. I don’t want to guilt him into doing it though, then it isn’t real, and I believe that would hurt more than him just not doing it anymore… The little bit that he did do… It hurts more believing this time he’ll actually get into it then just not doing it with him at all… I don’t need a daddy… I can be a little by myself, no rules I guess, yay!

     I am slightly mad though… I was willing to change / uproot my entire life for him… I was willing to follow him around for about 4-8 years while he was in the military before he got discharged… I waited for him patiently while he was at boot camp, and while he was at school, until he came home… Not once did I think about cheating or anything like that… But he can’t do this one thing for me, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. He’s never really actually done something like that… Only things that make him comfortable… Doesn’t he think about how uncomfortable I felt when he joined? When he left? That was the worst 6 months of my life, I hated every minute of it, but I supported him the entire time, I stuck by his side and listened to him and learned things about his branch of the military for him..

     I just feel like my heart shattered and was stabbed a few times. I feel like there’s a hole in my chest and stomach… I honestly thought this time I would get a Daddy… None of my ex’s liked it, he told me he did… He let me get a onsie that says “I ❤ daddy” on it and an adult pacifier… But he just lied, I feel even more alone about this than I was before I told him about it… Now the only person I had in this community isn’t really a part of it…. I have no one now…

     I don’t even know how to be happy without this… It helps me escape from the real world, let’s me forget about being an adult and all the things I have to do, for just a little while… It’s so much harder to do that without a Daddy… There’s no one there to reassure you… Make you feel safe..

     At least he likes the rest of BDSM I guess.. I still have that to help me out a little… Just wish he was actually into the part of me that I feel like I need the most.. I don’t know why this is my favorite part, before I even knew it was an actual thing I liked it, I’ve always been childish, always loved being taken care of… It’s just a part of me, it’s not just a thing I learned about and got into, it’s a part of my personality… And he doesn’t love this part of me… What if he stops loving the other parts of me?

     I mean, I know logically that he never loved that part, so it’s not like he’s falling out of love with me. But… He led me to believe that he did love that part of me… So I guess that’s why it hurts so bad… It kind of feels like I was just abandoned, even though he’s still my fiance and everything… But… He’s not my Daddy anymore.. So I guess in some way I was abandoned… Just only one part of me was abandoned though….

BDSM and pregnant / mother to be?

BDSM and pregnant / mother to be?

Something most people don’t know about J and I is that we’re in a DD/LG [daddy Dom/little girl]  relationship (a specific type of Dom/sub relationship). We’ve been in this kind of relationship for most of our relationship, and he’s an amazing daddy Dom. I love his daddy Dom side, he’s very firm yet very loving work me. 

Since I’ve gotten pregnant though we’ve both been having a hard time going into Daddy and little space. I really miss it and I’ve tried talking to him about it, it’s hard to though. We’ve both have have a huge responsibility on the way, along with us working most of the day almost everyday. It seems like we don’t really have time for the DD/LG part of our relationship anymore, which really sucks. 

I love being his little girl, he loves being my daddy. It’s something we did all the time when together, now it’s just during sex. He doesn’t color with me, read to me, play with my stuffed animals with me anymore. I miss it so much, I feel like a huge part of me / our relationship is disappearing. 

We did talk about it for a few minutes a few days ago. He said he feels like if we keep up with the DD/LG part of our relationship, he’ll end up having to take care of the baby and me by himself. Which is NOT true, I want our baby very much, and will be a mother. I only want the dd/lg to be during our time alone together, like it’s been​ the entire time. I don’t know how to explain it to him though, it’s always been hard for me to talk to him about my BDSM wants/needs. 

Our kinky sex has kinda stopped as well, all we really do is take turns tying each other up and I call him daddy during sex. We used to do so much more, like spanking, breath play, hair pulling, blind folding, and a lot lot lot more. He’s to afraid to do any of that anymore though, he’s afraid he’ll hurt the baby if we do any of this. I’m not even showing that much, he doesn’t need to worry as much as he does. It’s not like we do really crazy things that can really harm me, and the things we do we know how to do safely. 

I’ll probably write another post to update how things are going. I’m going to try and talk to him tonight at work, if I don’t pass out as soon as we get home.