So J and I had a very serious talk today after celebrating our one year engagement… I mean, I guess I already knew he wasn’t really into the entire time, I just kinda convinced myself he would get into this subcategory of BDSM… Especially when he realized how much it meant to me, how it’s a part of me.. I was wrong, like I am about most things. He said it just drains him, that he feels like a pedophile, he can’t get past it for me…
I’m the one who usually makes compromises I guess… It’s easier for me than it is for him, I’m used to doing things for people, unlike him. He’s to much of his own person. I don’t want to guilt him into doing it though, then it isn’t real, and I believe that would hurt more than him just not doing it anymore… The little bit that he did do… It hurts more believing this time he’ll actually get into it then just not doing it with him at all… I don’t need a daddy… I can be a little by myself, no rules I guess, yay!
I am slightly mad though… I was willing to change / uproot my entire life for him… I was willing to follow him around for about 4-8 years while he was in the military before he got discharged… I waited for him patiently while he was at boot camp, and while he was at school, until he came home… Not once did I think about cheating or anything like that… But he can’t do this one thing for me, I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. He’s never really actually done something like that… Only things that make him comfortable… Doesn’t he think about how uncomfortable I felt when he joined? When he left? That was the worst 6 months of my life, I hated every minute of it, but I supported him the entire time, I stuck by his side and listened to him and learned things about his branch of the military for him..
I just feel like my heart shattered and was stabbed a few times. I feel like there’s a hole in my chest and stomach… I honestly thought this time I would get a Daddy… None of my ex’s liked it, he told me he did… He let me get a onsie that says “I ❤ daddy” on it and an adult pacifier… But he just lied, I feel even more alone about this than I was before I told him about it… Now the only person I had in this community isn’t really a part of it…. I have no one now…
I don’t even know how to be happy without this… It helps me escape from the real world, let’s me forget about being an adult and all the things I have to do, for just a little while… It’s so much harder to do that without a Daddy… There’s no one there to reassure you… Make you feel safe..
At least he likes the rest of BDSM I guess.. I still have that to help me out a little… Just wish he was actually into the part of me that I feel like I need the most.. I don’t know why this is my favorite part, before I even knew it was an actual thing I liked it, I’ve always been childish, always loved being taken care of… It’s just a part of me, it’s not just a thing I learned about and got into, it’s a part of my personality… And he doesn’t love this part of me… What if he stops loving the other parts of me?
I mean, I know logically that he never loved that part, so it’s not like he’s falling out of love with me. But… He led me to believe that he did love that part of me… So I guess that’s why it hurts so bad… It kind of feels like I was just abandoned, even though he’s still my fiance and everything… But… He’s not my Daddy anymore.. So I guess in some way I was abandoned… Just only one part of me was abandoned though….