Today’s Thoughts

Today’s Thoughts

     The interview went pretty well, I think. They said that they’ll call me back this week when the hiring manager is there, and that I seem like I’m a very friendly person and hope to see me again. I can’t tell if she was saying that because they want to hire me or because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings, I’m going to stay hopeful though! I really don’t want to go back to Wal-Mart… Chick-fil-a was my very first choice so I’m really excited, and I really hope that I got it, I looked them in the eyes, talked to them, told them about what I do at my current job and what I did at my old job. She seemed to like me so hopefully They hire me, I’m very motivated for this job and I plan to work there for a while, I hear it’s a good place to work and I like working in fast food a lot more than I do at Wal-Mart.

     J and I both kinda have baby fever, his is obviously not as strong as mine, but he has it. The other day he sent me a video he was watching of a baby getting excited over a cat. We talked a little bit about what’s gonna happen when we have a baby and when I’m pregnant. We even decided on a new nickname for the baby until we find out what sex the baby is; the nickname is going to be little creature. I’m really hoping this time it works out, I want us to start a family, so does J; at least he says he does.

     I’m having these cravings, all I want to eat is french toast, mashed potatoes, and my moose tracks ice cream. I also kinda want to have cheese pizza, maybe a cheeseburger. I think the french toast and the ice cream is at the top of my list. I don’t even know why I want it so bad, but I feel like I could just eat a whole loaf of breads worth of french toast. I also feel like I could eat the whole carton of the moose tracks ice cream. I don’t usually crave foods like this, so it’s kinda weird, who knows; maybe I’m pregnant? Who knows.

     J and I are doing a little more of the BDSM like I wanted, it’s pretty amazing. I love it when he actually gets in dom/daddy space, it’s amazing and fucking sexy. The other day when I came home he made me get on my knees and give him a blow job while looking up at him. It was literally the sexiest thing he’s ever made me do, I hate giving blow jobs but when he made me do it, I liked it a lot. Then he fucked me while choking me among other things. I loved it, I’m really hoping that it continues.

     Last week J and I went to the zoo with my mom and my youngest sister A. It was absolutely amazing, they had so many birds! I love birds with all my heart, and I even found a cute macaw stuffed animal in the gift shop that I bought. It looked exactly like the one macaw they had, I fell in love with it. There was a really sweet cockatoo there that gave me kisses and kept saying hello to me and let me pet it. They also had a donkey there that cried if you walked away after petting it, and a bear sitting in a tub, and the wolves started howling out of nowhere.

     Also my mother, God I can’t stand her. She took me off her health insurance, and told me I had to reapply, which I understand, but the thing is… I asked for help multiple times, and she keeps saying she’s to busy to help me. Well yesterday, I had a break down because of it. She called me early in the morning and told me I needed to get it done, and was being really mean to me because I didn’t have it done yet, I asked for help and she told me she was busy. So I asked my aunt to help me when she comes home from her vacation. Today she called me asking why didn’t I just let my mom help me yesterday. Turns out she called my mom asking her why I didn’t ask her, my mom told her she offered to help me yesterday; she didn’t offer me help anymore, just told me I have to get it done then hung up on me. Now my aunt thinks I’m a liar, I don’t understand why anyone listens to her she lies all the time.

Work Anxiety

Work Anxiety

     Anxiety is something I’ve had my entire life, it’s a part of my autism and my depression I struggle with time to time. I’ve been doing really good with it lately, I’ve even been able to order my own food at places, go out by myself, and stuff like that. Yesterday though… I had to call off work because my anxiety was so bad I was almost throwing up and having trouble with breathing. I’ve never had that problem with jobs before, not when I worked in my high schools pre-school, not when I was babysitting, not at McDonald’s…. Only at Wal-Mart.

     Wal-Mart is terrible, things have gotten so bad at work I get physically ill knowing I have to go there again. I’m actually currently feeling that way, I have to be at work at 2PM til 11PM. I’m not going to call out again though because it’s closing hours and it’s just supposed to be me and one other person, I can’t leave them alone during those hours cause we wont be able to get everything clean together, he defiantly wouldn’t be able to do it alone. I can’t be that much of a bitch yet, not until I have a new job.

     The only thing keeping me going is the thought that I’ll have a new job soon. I’ve applied everywhere nearby, and tomorrow when J gets home from work we’re going to KFC so I can fill out a paper application. For some reason the one in our town doesn’t have their opened positions on the website, but they do have jobs available. I’ll probably get the job at KFC since J is friends with one of the managers and they said they’ll mention me to the hiring manager. It’s not the best job, but honestly it’s better than Wal-Mart and if it’s full-time I’ll be making more every pay period. If I don’t get that job I”ll probably get a job at one of the other places I applied to like panera or subway.

     I’m so hopeful for a call from somewhere. This anxiety is really bad, I’ve been having it so bad while at work that I’ve been puking on my breaks. It’s not pregnancy… I took a few test, all negative.. Plus I’ve only been puking at work, and I feel like that at work. I’ve been so sick with anxiety lately, I’m very tired of this job, it’s terrible. This job is going to kill me, I swear, I can’t handle it much longer. I NEED a new job, I don’t understand how some of my co-workers been there for years, it’s terrible. Especially since one of them has a second job, why would they keep going there? They aren’t going to get the management position they want, what are they working towards? There’s no place to advance there, it’s not going to happen, they aren’t even letting managers have full-time hours anyways, so what’s the point?

     I really made a mistake quitting my job at McDonald’s last year and getting a job at Wal-Mart a few months ago. It’s just, one of the managers really made me feel like shit at that job and I figured since I was planning to do college it would make it easier than having to rush around all the time. Plus my mom has worked at Wal-Mart for almost 10 years and never had a problem, I don’t see how. It might just be the location I work at currently, but it’s ruined Wal-Mart completely for me, I’ll never work there again after I get a new job. I don’t care, there’s nothing good for me there.

     I still can’t get over my mom telling me to just ask personal to transfer me to a different department. Like what didn’t she understand about them cutting everyone’s hours? If I changed departments I’d have the same hours but get paid less? I work in the highest paying department, why would I change departments for the same hours but less pay? I don’t understand why my mother wants me to stay working at this place after I’ve told her everything that happens.

Job Search Problems

Job Search Problems

     I’ve mentioned in a post before that I’m currently looking for a new job, well it’s harder than I thought. None of the warehouses nearby are hiring anything other than truck drivers, so that’s out since I don’t even have my license yet. The only thing I can really apply for (because that’s all that’s available right now) is fast food places. They pay a lot less than what I’m currently making, but in the long run it would be more because it’s full time… I’ve applied to Chick-Fil-A so far, and currently applying to a few others nearby.

     I really hate that I’ll have to go back to fast food to get out of my current situation, but I just cannot stay at Wal-Mart. It’s going to destroy me, I’m starting to become miserable like J was. I kept thinking things were going to get better, it’s not happening, things have actually gotten worse; I didn’t even know that was possible!

     I keep thinking maybe I should go back to McDonald’s, but I’m terrified of the one manager there; she was so mean to me the entire time I worked there… There is another location owned by the same man up the street, but… She goes there sometimes. That manager is litteraly the reason I quit, and I don’t think I could face her again. I feel stupid going to work at fast food while living with J’s family, but his mother did tell me all I need to worry about is getting something full-time… My current job is part-time and it’s terrible… Even McDonald’s was better when I was full-time…

     Maybe I should try for a manager position at a fast food place, it’s about the same pay I make now, some places it’s even more; and it’s a full-time position. The only problem is I’m not very good at taking control. Either way in the long run I would be making more money… It’s only a dollar or two pay cut, but it’s full-time, I’d have more hours, when I did the math I’d be making about $20 more than I’m currently making each pay period.

     Plus, just because I’m going back into fast food now doesn’t mean I have to stay there forever. I can always keep an eye on job openings and when I see something better I can apply for that. Jobs aren’t forever, can always go for something better once it opens up. I thought I was doing better then before when I got my job at Wal-Mart, but I really wasn’t. I made more at McDonald’s even though I was paid less hourly, because they gave me more hours at McDonald’s. They also gave me over time at McDonald’s, Wal-Mart doesn’t even give me all my part-time hours. I work less then what you’re really supposed to work as a part-time employee. I litterally work two or three days a week; sometimes four if I’m lucky.

     When I asked about becoming full-time (just in case I couldn’t find another job) they told me they aren’t moving anyone up to full-time anymore, they’re actually trying to move people back to part-time. Which is absolutely ridculous, we’re completely understaffed all the time, we don’t need cut hours! We need people working more hours! But hey, it’s Wal-Mart. I don’t see how my mom has been working there for 9 years and wants to continue working there. It’s terrible, They don’t even treat you nicely.

     I swear I’m not going to stay at whatever fast food place I get hired at, it’s just until something better is opened up nearby. I want to do better than that, but right now it’s all I can do. I cannot stay at Wal-Mart, it has me so stressed that I’ve been having chest pains. I also think it might be why I’ve been throwing up once in a while, and not because I’m possibly pregnant.

     Wish me luck I guess. Hopefully I get a call by the end of next week and have a new job by the end of the month. I can’t stay at Wal-Mart much longer but I must have a new job before quitting.