Worried Yet Excited

Worried Yet Excited

      First, I haven’t found a new job yet, which is worrying me very much. I can’t stand it much longer, I’m so close to just walking out. Second, as everyone knows now, I’m getting married on October 20th!!! I’m super excited about it. I can’t wait to start a life and family with J, like everyone knows we’ve been trying for months. Well the thing is, I think I might be now. I don’t want to be pregnant at our wedding, obviously I’m not going to do anything, I want the baby, just hope I’m wrong about possibly being pregnant right now.

     I don’t know why I’m thinking about this so much right now. It’s just seems a lot like the time I was pregnant. Yesterday I ate an entire medium pizza by myself in less than an hour with absolutely no problem, I’m peeing like crazy, I’ve gained a lot of weight fast, my breast have gotten bigger.

     J seems excited about the thought of me being pregnant, he keeps putting his hands on my tummy and making comments about the changes that make it seem like I’m pregnant. I just don’t want to be big when I get married, plus I don’t really want people to think I got married because I’m pregnant. I mean it doesn’t really matter what people think of us, but I just really want it to be perfect. I didn’t really imagine being pregnant when I get married, I assumed we would have a baby before getting married or after getting married.

Trying To Conceive

Trying To Conceive

     As everyone here knows J and I have been trying for months to get pregnant. I’m getting really frustrated, and I think J is getting slightly frustrated about it also. I’m just starting to feel really discouraged; it feels like I can’t get pregnant and even if I was able to again I feel as if all it’ll ever end in is a miscarriage. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal to me, it’s not like I’m old or anything, I’m only 19… It’s just, feels…. I don’t even know to be honest.

     It’s just frustrated, I went to three seperate high schools, so I know a lot of people, weather I’m friends with them or not doesn’t really make a difference. I’m friends with most of them on facebook and I follow a few of them on instagram. Let me tell you, it’s so irritating, a few of the people got engaged and married after I’ve gotten engaged, A LOT has gotten pregnant, and/or had a baby already. I’ve been engaged for over a year and yet I’m still not married, I live with my fiance’s family. I fucking live with his family, they live on their own. Some even with children.

      I know it’s bad to compare your situations to others, but it’s frustrating, cause I just want this so badly and I’ve been trying so very hard to get these things. I make it very clear with J that I want these things and he says he wants these things also. Though I’m not so sure he wants us to live on our own. The other week  J had a conversation with his mother without even talking to me first. Apparently his mother and him decided that if we stay living here until she dies we can have the place. I thought both J and I have decided that we wanted to buy a house together one day, most likely a town house but still.

     I don’t understand how some of them can even afford what they have. I know a single mom I went to high school with that owns her own house and she just works at a daycare. Especially since she just works at her friends daycare in their house, so how can she afford a house, a car, and a 4 year old? Like what the hell?

     Sorry for ranting, I’m just beyond frustrated and jealous right now. Plus J and I don’t even have sex all that often anymore, we had sex twice last week. I ask for it all the time, but he’s barely ever in the mood anymore, he’s always so tired after work. It doesn’t bother me normally but we’re trying to get pregnant.

Fuck My Current Job

Fuck My Current Job

     So I’m beyond pissed off at Wal-Mart right now. So Saturday they had me close, then had me come in at 9AM yesterday so I can train the new person. That person was litteraly the worse I’ve ever met, first off everyone knows that the manager changed my schedule so I specfically am the person who is training them, and they knew that. The entire time I’m training them on the slicers they were saying I’m lying and that I don’t know what I’m doing! I barely got any sleep Sunday night, didn’t get home until 11:30, had to shower and eat, probably ot to bed around 1:30/2AM.

     So yesterday I was supposed to be going home AT 6PM!!! Guess what happened, the one other person who was at work left for their lunch at 5, the idiot decided to leave the store for their lunch and their car stalled, so they weren’t back at 6. The other person who was supposed to come in a 6 never fucking showed up, didn’t even call out or anything. by 6:05 J was standing near the Deli asking what the hell is going on so I asked him to go get a manager for me, a manager did come back. First they asked me to stay late, until the person on lunch got his car fixed and came back. I told her I didn’t really want to, I told her that I closed last night and I’m ready to go home. She looked me dead in the eyes and said “if you leave you don’t have a job here anymore” then left me there.

     I stayed for 33 minutes before J’s mom came in and started yelling and made me leave. I found the manager that hired me and told her what happened. I left but while walking out of the store she was yelling into her ear piece about it. So hopefully the manager that threatened me gets into trouble. I’m praying I get a call back soon, I really can’t go back there. I’m tired of Wal-Mart, I’m beyond sick of it. That was the last straw, if I wasn’t afraid of not having a job I would just quit and not working until I find a new one. I have no idea how long it would take to find a new job and if I’m prenant or get pregnant I can’t afford to not have a job. I’ll just have to wait until I find a new job and know for sure I have the job. I’m going to have to suck it up and go there, but I’m really not doing anything extra anymore and I’m not training people and I’m calling out when I don’t feel like going in, I’m tired of this shit.

Today’s Thoughts

Today’s Thoughts

     The interview went pretty well, I think. They said that they’ll call me back this week when the hiring manager is there, and that I seem like I’m a very friendly person and hope to see me again. I can’t tell if she was saying that because they want to hire me or because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings, I’m going to stay hopeful though! I really don’t want to go back to Wal-Mart… Chick-fil-a was my very first choice so I’m really excited, and I really hope that I got it, I looked them in the eyes, talked to them, told them about what I do at my current job and what I did at my old job. She seemed to like me so hopefully They hire me, I’m very motivated for this job and I plan to work there for a while, I hear it’s a good place to work and I like working in fast food a lot more than I do at Wal-Mart.

     J and I both kinda have baby fever, his is obviously not as strong as mine, but he has it. The other day he sent me a video he was watching of a baby getting excited over a cat. We talked a little bit about what’s gonna happen when we have a baby and when I’m pregnant. We even decided on a new nickname for the baby until we find out what sex the baby is; the nickname is going to be little creature. I’m really hoping this time it works out, I want us to start a family, so does J; at least he says he does.

     I’m having these cravings, all I want to eat is french toast, mashed potatoes, and my moose tracks ice cream. I also kinda want to have cheese pizza, maybe a cheeseburger. I think the french toast and the ice cream is at the top of my list. I don’t even know why I want it so bad, but I feel like I could just eat a whole loaf of breads worth of french toast. I also feel like I could eat the whole carton of the moose tracks ice cream. I don’t usually crave foods like this, so it’s kinda weird, who knows; maybe I’m pregnant? Who knows.

     J and I are doing a little more of the BDSM like I wanted, it’s pretty amazing. I love it when he actually gets in dom/daddy space, it’s amazing and fucking sexy. The other day when I came home he made me get on my knees and give him a blow job while looking up at him. It was literally the sexiest thing he’s ever made me do, I hate giving blow jobs but when he made me do it, I liked it a lot. Then he fucked me while choking me among other things. I loved it, I’m really hoping that it continues.

     Last week J and I went to the zoo with my mom and my youngest sister A. It was absolutely amazing, they had so many birds! I love birds with all my heart, and I even found a cute macaw stuffed animal in the gift shop that I bought. It looked exactly like the one macaw they had, I fell in love with it. There was a really sweet cockatoo there that gave me kisses and kept saying hello to me and let me pet it. They also had a donkey there that cried if you walked away after petting it, and a bear sitting in a tub, and the wolves started howling out of nowhere.

     Also my mother, God I can’t stand her. She took me off her health insurance, and told me I had to reapply, which I understand, but the thing is… I asked for help multiple times, and she keeps saying she’s to busy to help me. Well yesterday, I had a break down because of it. She called me early in the morning and told me I needed to get it done, and was being really mean to me because I didn’t have it done yet, I asked for help and she told me she was busy. So I asked my aunt to help me when she comes home from her vacation. Today she called me asking why didn’t I just let my mom help me yesterday. Turns out she called my mom asking her why I didn’t ask her, my mom told her she offered to help me yesterday; she didn’t offer me help anymore, just told me I have to get it done then hung up on me. Now my aunt thinks I’m a liar, I don’t understand why anyone listens to her she lies all the time.

Job Interview Today!!!

Job Interview Today!!!

     I’m so excited! I finally got a job interview! I’m really hoping it goes well and I get the job so I don’t have to go back to Wal-Mart Saturday. I’m really sick of that job, they switched my schedule for yesteday because they didn’t have anyone scheduled from 4PM to 6PM and didn’t even ask or tell me. I was beyond pissed off when I found out, I was in the Deli for two hours all by myself. Well not really by myself the new manager was there, but she’s never worked in a Deli before so I had to do everything because she kept asking for help, even though I was already helping a customer. She wouldn’t even let me go on my 15 my entire shift and she tired to make me wait until the Deli closed to take my lunch and for me to just stay after my shift ended to clean the Deli. I said no and wen tto my lunch at 6 when the person who was scheduled with me finally came in. I can’t take it much longer, I’m done with this place.

     I’m extremely excited for my interview at 2:30, it’s at chick-fil-a and I’m really hoping for the job. I like working with registers, kinda miss it to be honest. Also I’ll always have Sunday off with J!

     I’m just excited, I’ll let you guys know how it went tomorrow!

My Baby Fever Is Back

My Baby Fever Is Back

     Here it comes again at full speed, baby fever. I haven’t had it that much in the last few weeks, maybe month or so. Probably because I’ve been distracted by trying to find a new job (and still am) and the problems between J and I. Since yesterday though, all I keep thinking about it babies and starting a family with J.

     Things have been good between J and I again, I think I’m getting closer to finding a new job, and I have plans to spend time with my aunt and J sometime soon! I’m just in an overall good mood the last few days, and yesterday I saw some pictures of a few people I went to school with their baby bumps. That’s most likely what triggered my baby fever again. Plus J and I had sex recently and didn’t use a condom, I don’t think we’re really trying anymore, we’re just not doing anything to prevent it.

     Obviously things aren’t the best, we live with his mother and I’m at a stressful job and desperately trying to find a new one, J doesn’t have his license yet (he’s been driving and is going to get it in a few months after his birthday!). Thing is, we both want a baby and I guess we don’t really care since we were already prepared before when we had nothing. Even though we aren’t fully ready, we’re defiantly more ready than some other people; and we both want to be parents.

     I honestly don’t know where I’m really going with this right now, mostly just rambling on my thoughts about how I would feel if I was to get pregnant right now. A few post ago I wasn’t to thrilled when I thoughts I was pregnant, but right now it would be pretty awesome. I mean I’d be excited no matter when it happens, it’s just sometimes I want it more than other times.

     All I keep thinking about is a little baby that looks like J and/or I. Everytime I picture it my heart melts and my ovaries start to scream “AHHHH!!! SO CUTE!!!! NEED THIS!!!” whenever I tell J this he laughs. My baby fever has gotten so intense in so fast that I’ve been (IN MY HEAD, HAVEN’T TOLD ANYONE THIS!!!!) pretending I’m pregnant, feeling my best and all that. I only do it when I’m by myself, not even in front of J. I keep hoping that I am pregnant, but I don’t think it’s gonna happen anytime soon. I mean, if you count when I was pregnant for that short time up to now, we’ve been trying on and off again for about 9 months. We only used condoms a handful of times, and usually didn’t even use the condom all the way through. So how is it that I’m still not pregnant? I just don’t understand.

     I don’t even know how to really bring it up to J, I told him I have baby fever again. I just haven’t really talked to him about the lengths. I kinda feel like it’s pointless to have a full on discussion about it when first off he can’t really do anything about it plus it’ll probably go away in a few days or weeks. I really hope to be pregnant sometime soon; I’m really excited about starting a family with J and I don’t know… I’ve always wanted to be a mom and the miscarriages really made me feel crappy about myself. Plus I just really want to create a life with the man I love and to help teach a person what life is and watch them grow into the person they’re meant to be.

      I get so jealous when I see my old classmates post about their pregnancy or about their babies… Like why did I have to miscarry? Twice? I know the first time was possibly a good thing since it was from rape and who knows if J and I would’ve ended up together if I did have the baby… But… It still hurts, I loved that baby as much as I love ours, but things happen for a reason, I think. Plus just seeing the emotions and body changes they’re going through.. I want that.. I want to feel the back pain, the nausea, the exhaustion. I want to feel the pain of giving birth to have our little bundle of joy placed in my arms. I want to see J be a father, I want to watch our child grow into an adult and have a happy life and start a family of their own.

     It’ll happen one day… Soon hopefully, I’ll just keep hoping until I finally give birth to a healthy baby. I can’t wait to see how things turn out and to go through all the joy (and troubles) of being a parent.

Work Anxiety

Work Anxiety

     Anxiety is something I’ve had my entire life, it’s a part of my autism and my depression I struggle with time to time. I’ve been doing really good with it lately, I’ve even been able to order my own food at places, go out by myself, and stuff like that. Yesterday though… I had to call off work because my anxiety was so bad I was almost throwing up and having trouble with breathing. I’ve never had that problem with jobs before, not when I worked in my high schools pre-school, not when I was babysitting, not at McDonald’s…. Only at Wal-Mart.

     Wal-Mart is terrible, things have gotten so bad at work I get physically ill knowing I have to go there again. I’m actually currently feeling that way, I have to be at work at 2PM til 11PM. I’m not going to call out again though because it’s closing hours and it’s just supposed to be me and one other person, I can’t leave them alone during those hours cause we wont be able to get everything clean together, he defiantly wouldn’t be able to do it alone. I can’t be that much of a bitch yet, not until I have a new job.

     The only thing keeping me going is the thought that I’ll have a new job soon. I’ve applied everywhere nearby, and tomorrow when J gets home from work we’re going to KFC so I can fill out a paper application. For some reason the one in our town doesn’t have their opened positions on the website, but they do have jobs available. I’ll probably get the job at KFC since J is friends with one of the managers and they said they’ll mention me to the hiring manager. It’s not the best job, but honestly it’s better than Wal-Mart and if it’s full-time I’ll be making more every pay period. If I don’t get that job I”ll probably get a job at one of the other places I applied to like panera or subway.

     I’m so hopeful for a call from somewhere. This anxiety is really bad, I’ve been having it so bad while at work that I’ve been puking on my breaks. It’s not pregnancy… I took a few test, all negative.. Plus I’ve only been puking at work, and I feel like that at work. I’ve been so sick with anxiety lately, I’m very tired of this job, it’s terrible. This job is going to kill me, I swear, I can’t handle it much longer. I NEED a new job, I don’t understand how some of my co-workers been there for years, it’s terrible. Especially since one of them has a second job, why would they keep going there? They aren’t going to get the management position they want, what are they working towards? There’s no place to advance there, it’s not going to happen, they aren’t even letting managers have full-time hours anyways, so what’s the point?

     I really made a mistake quitting my job at McDonald’s last year and getting a job at Wal-Mart a few months ago. It’s just, one of the managers really made me feel like shit at that job and I figured since I was planning to do college it would make it easier than having to rush around all the time. Plus my mom has worked at Wal-Mart for almost 10 years and never had a problem, I don’t see how. It might just be the location I work at currently, but it’s ruined Wal-Mart completely for me, I’ll never work there again after I get a new job. I don’t care, there’s nothing good for me there.

     I still can’t get over my mom telling me to just ask personal to transfer me to a different department. Like what didn’t she understand about them cutting everyone’s hours? If I changed departments I’d have the same hours but get paid less? I work in the highest paying department, why would I change departments for the same hours but less pay? I don’t understand why my mother wants me to stay working at this place after I’ve told her everything that happens.