I May Never Get Pregnant Or Carry Full-Term

I May Never Get Pregnant Or Carry Full-Term

    I’ve only ever did light reading on my double MTHFR mutation, I’ve never really read a lot about it. My mom read a lot more than I did, I really wish that I did read more… I read that it can be difficult to ever get pregnant, and if you do happen to get pregnant it’s basically guaranteed your baby will have a birth defect..

      That’s with just one MTHFR gene, I have two. So I mentioned it to my mom the other day when I saw her.. Apparently it’s next to impossible to become pregnant, and if you do get pregnant you’re most likely to have a miscarriage. Let’s say that I do get pregnant, and carry full-term; There’s no way that they’ll be born without a birth defect. If I do have a child I’m going to be giving them a life that is going to be super hard for them…. Or they’ll suffer for a few week, months, or even a few years before they die…

       Am I making the right decision trying to get pregnant? I didn’t know all this before, but now I have the information… Is it really the right thing to do? To try to get pregnant, knowing what I could be doing to our future children… I keep wondering if the baby I was pregnant with was suffering inside me, I mean I never got an ultrasound or anything, so no one ever seen it… For all I know it could’ve been in pain, I was 4 or 5 months along can’t the baby start feelings things around then? I mean I felt the baby moving around inside me for a sort while.

       I’m honestly upset about this, that’s something I’ve always wanted to have a family, have my own children…. J says he doesn’t care if we have kids or not, but he’s so good with kids and he always pretends my cousin and my sister are his kids, that’s how he’s so good with them. Kids, that’s something that’s been in J and my plans since we’ve started dating; especially since we’ve gotten engaged and the closer we get to our marriage.

Something that still really bothers me is all the people I went to school with that are already pregnant or already parents. A few of them are even younger than me and are getting pregnant and having babies. I understand that mistakes happen, and sometimes afterwards it turns out to be the best mistake of your life… But barely any of them are prepared; I’m more prepared and ready than them but yet I probably will never be able to get pregnant.. Sometimes the world really sucks and is extremely unfair. Guess I’ll just have to suck it up and deal with it..

      I haven’t told J all this yet, all I’ve told him is what I’ve decided. I’ve decided that I don’t want to adopt, don’t want to do foster care, and absolutely don’t ‘want to do surrogate. All of that is so unreliable and cost so much, I rather just not have kids than have to go through that.  There’s always pets, it wont be the same as kids, but it’s the best I could do if I don’t get pregnant and have a baby..

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Baby Fever

Baby Fever

     I’ve honestly had baby fever for the last three years, ever since my first miscarriage. This second time… It really hasn’t helped at all, every time I see a child I just picture that being me with my baby… I feel a stabbing pain in my chest, I feel empty, like a failure…

     I feel as if I was meant to be a mother, I feel it with every fiber of my being. My body doesn’t agree with me though, refusing to carry my child to full term, not getting pregnant. Even though I haven’t used a condom in forever, like seriously? People get pregnant while using condoms and birth control, how could my body be so stubborn?

     I’m also very conflicted about having a child right now… We aren’t exactly in the most ideal situation right now, we both hate our jobs, we don’t have a car, or a license, we don’t have our own home. We live with J’s family, they give us rides to and from work, and when they can’t we take a Uber. The other thing is though… I have a limited time to get pregnant, My doctor has told me I don’t have long to get pregnant, because I have a double mutation in my gene’s, and most people with this, if they do get pregnant, their child usually has some kind of birth defect.

     I know that it’s self-fish to try to get pregnant, especially knowing all the risk of my future child, and the risk for me. Also with our current spot in life, but what if I lose my chance to get pregnant? I do have a small chance of having a child with no birth defect, of being completely healthy like any other person… I want this so badly… I always wanted to be a mother, how is it fair that I get the bad deal of gene’s and it’s next to impossible? There are people who hate kids that can, and do, get pregnant!

     Things are getting a lot better between my fiance and I again, which is good, we want to bring our child into our relationship when things are good. We want them to have a good life, the best we can possibly give them. That might sound wrong, since things aren’t great financially or living situation, but at least they would have a roof over their head, people who would love them… It’s just, there’s a small window, and there’s never the perfect time, some are just better than others. We’ll get there, whether it’s before or after the baby is born. Well, that’s assuming that I can / do get pregnant.

     I want to talk to my fiance about this, but I feel like I’ve already said everything there is to say about it already. There’s no new thoughts then there already was, and I’m very sure he’s tired of hearing the same things over and over again. I know he’ll listen without complaining, and he’ll be supportive, I just feel bad saying the same things over and over again. Especially since I’m sure he’s getting frustrated as well, he seems disappointed every time that stupid pregnancy test says “not pregnant”. I almost cried last time it said that, I can’t tell you if it was because of frustration or sadness though. I feel as if I’m losing hope of ever getting pregnant… How do people do this for  years without breaking? It’s only been a few months and I feel like I’m going to..

     I get so fucking upset when people talk about their children, grandchildren, sibblings, or nieces / nefews. I just get so jealous, these people had their kids. Their having kids, and here I am, trying so hard, and it’s not happening. Why can’t just wanting it hard enuogh make it happen? If only the worlds was like that, but sadly it’s not…

     Sorry for this rant / depressing post, just really hasn’t been much else on my mind…

Love

Love

     On the 31st we’ll be engaged for an entire year. that’s one year of kissing each other, of having sex together, going on dates together, having fights and making up, taking naps together, playing video games together… One year of sending our lives together. We haven’t been together in person for the entire year, he was gone for about 6 months of it… But our relationship never ended, we went on strong until he came home. We’re supposed to be together, or else we wouldn’t of made it through everything we have already.

     There’s been A LOT of ups and downs in our relationship, just like any other relationship. We’ve been in a long distance for 6 months, which also means we were in a military relationship during those 6 months. Those were the hardest 6 months of my life. Especially the first 3 while he was away at boot camp and I could only talk to him through letters… I don’t think I’ve ever been so happy in my life like I was when he came home for good at the end of November. We also been through some pretty bad arguments, along with some slight emotional abuse towards each other, which we are working very hard on stopping. We also went though one thing no couple should ever have to go through, losing a child, and difficulties getting pregnant. We also went / going through him being depressed.

     It’s very hard seeing him depressed, I wish I could make him feel better, but I can’t… It really doesn’t help that I have difficulties with depression also, and I’m going through a good time, I’m happy and want to do things, where he’s at the other side. He sleeps all day, until we have to go to work. or until I get pissy because we’re supposed to be going somewhere but he still hasn’t gotten ready or even gotten out of bed. I’m trying so hard to be patient with him since I know what it’s like, it’s hard though. I’m currently writing this as I wait for him to get up and start getting ready for us to go on our mini golfing date, though I think we’re just going to end up staying home…

     He doesn’t even want to have sex really, he doesn’t hold me the way he used to, he doesn’t kiss me like he used to.. It feels like I’m losing him. I feel like I’m doing something wrong that’s causing him to feel this way, that he isn’t attracted to me anymore… I feel like he doesn’t find me sexy, I get really upset when it comes to sex. He just doesn’t seem into it when we do it anymore, and I always start it. It’s really chipping away at my self esteem.

     I love him so much, it hurts thinking he isn’t attracted to me, or that he’s hurting himself. I just want to take his pain away, I have no idea what to do though. I know there’s really nothing I can do, like there’s nothing he can do when I’m depressed. It just…. It’s frustrating, it’s infurating, I hate it.

Moving 

Moving 

Since we no longer have to worry about space for the baby we’re moving into J’s mother’s house. She said we can temporarily live there if we pay her rent every month. This is really going to help out, now we no longer have to worry about what we’re going to do once my mom finds a place with her new boyfriend and my sisters. I’m a little nervous though, I’m still not fully comfortable with his family and now I’ll be living with them. Who knows though, maybe that will help me get comfortable with them. 

We’re going to be going to my mom’s apartment on Wednesday to start going through my stuff and packing things I’m going to take with. I’ll also be getting rid of a lot of things, most of it will probably be donated, since I still have all my stuffed animals from my childhood and clothes from middle school. Oh I also have a box full of books along with a bookshelf food of them, don’t know how I’m going to decide what to keep and what to get rid of. I’m not very good with getting rid of things. 

We’ve decided we’re going to leave my bedframe but we’re taking my matress. We’re also leaving my dresser, haven’t decided what we’re gonna do with my plastic bins filled with art supplies and other random stuff. His room is kinda small and he doesn’t want it cluttered. Though his room is just as big as mine is at my mom’s, difference is, he doesn’t share with two other people like I do. So I don’t really know why he’s complaining about all of it. 

Then again, I do have a lot of stuff, I don’t really have a problem with getting rid of things, it’s more of, what about the things I’m not getting rid of? Where does he expect me to keep them? He doesn’t have anything to really keep stuff. All he has is a plastic drawer filled with his clothes and the few books he owns, a TV stand with his TV, his bed, and closet. We still have two days to start even having to start completely worrying about it all. 

I’m very excited, especially since now I can bring my bird with us. I miss my bird SO MUCH everytime I go to his house.  I’m excited to finally be able to be with my bird every day, and I’m sure my bird will be excited about that also. Especially since his neighborhood is a lot safer to be taking the bird outside so he’ll be able to go on more walks! I don’t take my bird on many walks right now because there’s a bunch of kids in my neighborhood and they try to pull on his feathers and take him from me. Though I’m slightly nervous about J’s dog, he’s never been around a pet bird. So I have no idea if he’ll try to hurt it if they accidentally end up in the same room while the bird is out of his cage. 

I’m also going to miss my youngest sister A with all my heart and soul. I love her to death, she’s such a sweetheart and my family doesn’t pay much attention to her. I’ll try to keep up a good relationship with her since my mom decided to stay in Maryland. Maybe I’ll even be able to get A to be able to spend the night once and a while on weekends. Especially since win taking the bird, because honestly, it was her idea to get a bird, I’m just the one who bought it and it attached itself too. Plus my mom refuses to take care of the bird and to pay for the bird. At least mom’s boyfriend promised to get her any pet she wants when they get their own place, so hopefully she won’t be too upset about it. 

I’m very excited to be getting away from my sister D and my mother. My relationship with them is very toxic and I’m ready to get away from that. I’ll obviously still talk to them once in a while, but I won’t be seeing them all the time anymore. I’ll have to find another way to pay my mom for my phone bill until J and I finally get our own plan, though I don’t know when we are doing that. We still haven’t decided if we’ll be keeping my provider or his, so we still have to decide that before even looking at the different kinds there are. I’m kinda happy I’ll no longer have ant reason to talk to D anymore, I can’t really stand her anymore. She’s out of control, and just getting worse as the days go on. I still kinda think that punch in the stomach could’ve had something to do with losing the baby. I could be wrong though, I was only three weeks pregnant when it happened. 

Jealously​ 

Jealously​ 

How is it that there’s a bunch of girls I went to middle and high school with that are pregnant and/or just had a kid? Half of them don’t even want the baby and are angry they they’re pregnant. God, I want a baby, I want my baby that I lost… I loved my little shit with all my heart, why did my body fail me and the baby? 

I just look at all these girls pictures of their babies, their ultrasounds, the post about it all… I just get filled with this extreme jealously, they have their kid… They’re having their kid… Why did this have to happen to me? I’m happy for them, I really am, I’m just upset that I’m not having mine… 

Also at work, a bunch of women bring their children up to the deli. Some even let their kid say the other and they ask for a slice of cheese.  It’s just so cute! My heart melts, but it also drops to my stomach because I just think. The baby I just spent the last 4 months making in my body just died, j and I aren’t having our little angel… 

It hurts so much and I just keep seeing all these babies and young children, even some pregnant girls. I feel so bad that I’m jealous of them, it’s a very happy time for them. Well, except for the few that are angry about being pregnant. 

Sorry for the rant, J hasn’t really talked to me much about it all, just said he’s upset and wants to try again after I have time to let my body repair itself or whatever.  

A Letter To My Rapist

A Letter To My Rapist

     You were supposed to be my best friend, I trusted you with everything. How could you Judy throw that away like it’s nothing? 

     You were there when everything fell apart. You saw my dad abuse my mom and sister, you saw the scares all over my arms and waist. You saw the aftermath of my father’s drugged rage, the raw fear and anger in the eyes of my sisters and I. You helped us pack everything in our home, in just 3 hours so we could escape the insanity. 

     We talked every. Single. Day. For two years. You lived in my home, with my family, for almost three months before I moved to a different state. We shared a room, a bed, we did everything together. 

     I just don’t understand, how could you ever force someone to have sex with you? Especially your best friend? How could you hurt someone that close to you? 

     I wanted to wait until I was married to ever have sex. I wanted my first time getting pregnant to be with the person I was married to. I wanted to be able to fully, and utterly trust the man I marry. 

     Thanks to you, I’m still in mourning over a miscarriage. I didn’t even want to have sex, let alone a baby. You’d think I’d be relieved that I miscarried, but for some reason I’m sad about it. It’s been a little over a year since the miscarriage, yet I still cry over the loss of my baby. I’m terrified it’ll happen with the baby I want, the baby whose father I’m actually marrying. 

     Do you know how hard it is for me to trust anyone? I have only one real friend, and that’s J. He’s the first actual friend I’ve had since the day you raped me.

     Want to know the worst of it all? No matter what I say or how badly this has affected me, my mother doesn’t believe you did it. She knows there was sex, she just doesn’t believe it was rape. 

     I can’t even talk to her about it all without her calling me a lair. I’m scared to talk to J about it, even though he’s been nothing but supportive and loving. 

     Almost two years, and I still have nightmares of waking up with you on top of me… Inside me.. violating me.. I still feel dirty from where you touched me. 

     I cry myself to sleep some nights because of you. Because of you, I worry I’m not good enough for J. I feel like I’m not good enough to be a mother. Because of you, I’ll always be scared, I’ll always have to deal with this.