Frustration & confusion

Frustration & confusion

    J and I talk about it all the time yet I still can’t get over it. I’m missing being little and submissive again. He hasn’t been keeping up with it, I feel guilty for bringing it up. I know he’s told me before he’s not interested in it but I still want to do, hell, I need it. I need to be little and to be submissive, it’s a part of me, I crave it and it honestly affects my mood when I’m not.

    I know I might sound kind of like a child right now but honestly I just feel neglected. I’m always doing things to make him happy even if it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t enjoy it. He can barely ever tell that I’m just doing it for him, yet he doesn’t do the same for me, and he makes it obvious he’s not enjoying himself when he does do something for me. If I can do it for you why can’t you do it for me?

    The first few months of our relationship he was into it, I got into this relationship under the pretenses that he was into DD/LG & BDSM. It’s not like I want it to be 24/7, I just want it once in a while to satisfy me. Sometimes I just feel like I’m not good enough and I get really depressed. I just really want him to be in daddy space and not make me feel bad for it. I don’t understand why he’s changed his mind on it suddenly and acts like he was never into it. He used to get really into it, just one day he decided he didn’t.

    He claims he feels drained whenever he lets me be in little space and he participates. Thing is, he barely does anything, he mostly just watches me. That’s not what I need… I need him to be involved, I don’t know how to explain exactly what I want him to do, I just want / need it. I try so hard to be a good girl for him, and I’m just not getting what I need back. Now I love J, he’s my best friend and my husband. Sometimes though… When I’m feeling like this… I kind of wish I didn’t enter this relationship or that he was different. That might not be the right way to word it exactly, because I love him with all my heart and soul, I can’t picture my life without him. I just wish he was more involved, that he would try harder for me. I feel like he’s given up on trying to make me happy now that we’re married.

   I just… Sometimes I wonder if he doesn’t like it because he doesn’t know enough about it. He keeps saying something about feeling like he has to literally take care of me. I tried explaining it to him but I feel like I’m either not good at explaining it or he’s just not listening to me. If only he would do research on it so he could try to do something that would actually make me happy and cause a lot less friction between us. I mean, it’s the least he can do since he’s the reason we’re stuck living with his mother, which I hate with every fiber of my being. I tried sending him links to information on DD/LG & BDSM lifestyles but I know he didn’t actually read them because he couldn’t remember a single thing from those articles. It’s really not that hard to make me somewhat happy, I’m already miserable right now, why not do something simple like this to improve things for us?

   I kind of want him to read this post because I’ve noticed if it’s something I’ve written and / or shared with other people he’s more likely to do what I said. I don’t want to tell him to read it or send him a link to it though because I feel like he’ll probably feel like I’m trying to start a fight or something. I have done it a few times lately, but only because I’m miserable and he’s not making anything easy on me lately.

    I don’t know how I ended up being so deeply in love with someone who isn’t like me all that much. I’ve noticed since we’ve gotten married that we both have different needs when it comes to affection and validation. I’m very needy when it comes to both, whereas he doesn’t need it or seem to really want it. It really upsets me, especially when I’m feeling like this. I feel really hurt a lot lately, I kind of feel like he’s doing it all on purpose, which I’m sure is just me being a little over dramatic. Again, I would never leave him, I’m still happy being with him. It’s more of just we’re having trouble communicating on top of everything else at the moment. We were doing really good with communication for a long time but lately we’ve been having trouble with it for some reason. I have a slight feeling it might because I’m so wound up about the DD/LG \ BDSM & living situation that he’s just not listening because I’m so tense and been acting out because of it. I need to really work on that, it’s not helping our relationship at all and I don’t want to hurt our relationship.

   I want us to have a happy & healthy relationship, it’s just really hard when it feels like I’m the only one making compromises lately. Plus it just feels like he isn’t putting effort in us right now. He mentioned once that he just feels really comfortable with our relationship (though I don’t see how when we’re having all these problems right now), It’s not like I’m hiding all this from him, I’ve brought it up multiple times; he might just not realize how serious it is… I don’t know how to get it into his thick skull how serious it is though. I’ve tried a lot of different things and nothing seems to be working, not even trying to demand it, he doesn’t seem to take me seriously.

   I just want things to be better, I don’t like feeling like this. I can’t wait for us to have our own place. It’s hard to have serious discussions that are touchy subjects, I’m always worried his mom or brother is going to hear us and I really hate it when they know what’s going on. I don’t hate them, I just can’t stand living with them. I just need my own space with J but we can’t do that until he has his license, even though he drives without it, his brother wont let him take the care until he has it. He just needs to finish his drive times with driving school before he can actually get his license. I honestly don’t care if we have to get an apartment, I don’t want to live here anymore. I’ve told him that too, I’m not waiting until we can get a mobile home (assuming that I can’t get a loan or something) I’m just waiting until he has his license then we’re out of here.

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Changes At Work

Changes At Work

    So I work in a warehouse, for the same company as my soon-to-be husband. The only difference is that I work in the other building that deals with the holiday stuff, so I’m technically a seasonal worker. Well today I found out that I’m most likely being changed to a full-time worker at the main building (where J works!) when my building closes after the holidays. So today I went up to the main building to start training (I’m in the same area as J, but we probably will never work in the same mod, we’ll see later on though). I go back again tomorrow for more training, depending on how things are still going at the holiday building (we’re super a head and have barely anything to do over there) I might just end up working in the main building from now on.

     I was really upset at first, I had a mini meltdown last night when they first told me I’d be going to the other building today. As soon as I clocked out and J picked me up I started crying. I was in full on panic mode, there were tears, troubles breathing, thinking of all the bad things that could possibly happen. J and his mom finally were able to calm me down once we got home and he explained to her why I was crying. I was honestly upset this morning also, everything felt wrong and I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t eat breakfast on my first break because it was at a different time than it usually is. I had a really hard time with lunch also because it was half an hour earlier than I usually have it, I managed to eat it all though!

     The job itself though? I absolutely love it! It’s way more repetitive than at the holiday building. Plus it’s a lot less work, no lifting heavy things, no pulling a pallet with you, no making pallets! I was just putting small items in a blue tote and setting it on a conveyor belt! I really hope they keep me at this building, I even got a lot more done at that building then I ever have at the holiday building, and I’d do over 500 tickets at the holiday building! My productivity is defiantly going to be higher than usual if they keep me at this building.

     either way I still see myself working at this place for a long time. If I can help it I think I’d like to work there until I retire or until I die. Unless somehow I can survive being a stay at home mom. Also I was thinking after I’ve ben there for a while I would like to get trained on the equipment that way I would get paid more and it would be nice to have more expierence than just picking if I was to ever have to find anotehr job.

Thoughts On Our Future

Thoughts On Our Future

     Work doesn’t require me to do a lot of thinking so I kind of just go off into my own world. I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that I’ll most likely never be a mother and what that would do to J and my lives later on. Our entire relationship we’ve always talked about having kids one day, and as you guys know we were almost successful before. The thing is, now I have more information so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be trying to have kids ever again. Who knows though, maybe when we’re older they will have something that could help with my double mutation.

      We’ve talked a little bit about other options, like adopting, foster care, maybe a surrogate (we got rid of that idea real fast after reading some things about that option though). We’re pretty young so maybe our minds will change in a few years, but as of now we don’t want to adopt or do foster care. I’m honestly not even sure if we’d get approved for foster care since we both have a documented history of mental illness along with my aspergers. Maybe things will change in a few years, but that’s out decision at the moment.

      So as of right now since things look like we aren’t having kids, how do we see our lives going? Well lets talk about some of the bases, we are saving up for a mobile home; that’s kinda been the plan since the beginning but we have briefly talked about getting a house before. After getting our own mobil home we’re going to get some pets of our own, a few dogs and maybe a cat or two. I know for a fact we’re going to get a black lab, I grew up with one and it was the most sweet & loving dog I’ve ever met and I just love the breed. We might get a husky or a pug, we haven’t really decided, I defiantly want a maincoon (a type of cat that gets really big). I’m thinking about getting a turtle or fish- J has been talking about parrot fish a lot lately and I think I want to surprise him with one when we get our own place.

      I want to get at least a two bedroom mobil home, that way if we decide to have kids we wont have to find a new place, there’s already a room available. Until we have kids, or if we stick with the not having any, the second room will be a guest room. It’ll be used for our future nieces and nephews, and my little sister A (since she’s only 11 right now).

      One upside to no kids? We’ll be able to have sex where ever we want in the house. Plus I wont have to worry about J stopping the DD/LG play if we don’t have kids. Once we have our own home I’m going to try to get J to try some new BDSM stuff we haven’t tried before, or just haven’t done since we stayed in a hotel for a few days a year ago. I really want to try “humiliation” punishments once we have our own place (I’m going to bring it up on our honeymoon and possibly try it then). I’m also thinking, since we wont have kids we’ll be able to do more things together & have more money. Once J finishes paying off his debt (almost there btw!) and we live on our own we can basically do whatever we want. We’ll be able to go away on weekends (camping!) or just walk around the house naked / have sex anywhere (he can bend me over the kitchen counter and fuck me whenever he wants!).

      I’m still really upset about not being able to have kids, but at least it’s not all bad. I prefer to have kids to all this, but since it’s not really in our cards, mine as well look at the bright side.

My New Job

My New Job

     I love my new job, it’s amazing. Today was my second official day working; Monday and Tuesday I had orientation. If you didn’t know, I’m a picker at a warehouse now, we pick things for stores. Yesterday I pick 54 tags for one store, It took me until after my lunch to finish it. After I finished that I started another store that had 85 tags, I got 40 of them done before I had to leave.

      Today I did so much better, I did three stores! I wanted to do a fourth store; but since I’m new to the job I’m not really allowed to stay after 3:00. They had me cleaning up empty boxes since everyone likes to just leave them sitting around taking up space. I accidentally stayed until 3:36 because there’s no clocks and I forgot my watch this morning, I got so into my work I didn’t realize it was so late. No one said anything to me so I don’t think it’s going to be a problem.

      The only problem I have with this job is that there’s only one clock in the entire building. The clock is in the break room and it’s not a digital clock, which makes it even worse! Just to explain I literally cannot read those clocks, I’ve been taught how to read them more times than I can count it just doesn’t stick. Tonight I’m going to get ALL my stuff for work tomorrow together so I don’t forget my watch again. Not being able to read the only clock in the building has made it really difficult to fill out my paperwork that records all the work I’ve been doing, so I defiantly need to take my watch with me.

      For once in my life I actually enjoy my job, I know it’s weird but I really do. There’s routine and it’s simple, full of order, it’s just perfect. This is literally the perfect job for my autistic ass (joke obviously). I never thought I would enjoy a job and be excited to go to work, but here I am, enjoying my job and being excited for work.

       ALSO!!! While at work, I’m not anxious. Usually at my jobs, or school, I’m afraid to do things without constantly asking for reassurance, at this job I feel confident and I have no problem doing my job. I know that I’m just going to get better with time, this is the kind of job I needed! I can’t believe that I didn’t try for this kind of job before and that I was so reluctant to get it.

 

A Letter To My Mother

A Letter To My Mother

      I know you did the best you can mom. I love you for that, because of you I finally got to go to a school with people who were nicer. I finally made friends and met my soon to be husband. You raised three kids by yourself most of your life as a mother, you’re just now getting help. Sure you had a little help from your sister when we lived with her, but not really.

      Now you know I love you, but I can’t really stand you as a person. You have been abusive to me my entire life and not my sisters, whenever I bring it up you say it’s because you can’t handle my autism. You used to hit me, well you still hit me when I visit. You yell at me calling me lazy, threatening to shut my phone off (even though I give her to money a week early every month), saying I’m stupid. Than when I tell my aunt or fiance you tell them I’m making things up, thus making my aunt think I’m lying and making my fiance hate you more and more.

      Oh and let’s not forget about how you treated me when you lost your food stamps because I turned 18. I did have a job at the beginning, and you made me buy my own food, and I wasn’t allowed to eat anything you bought except for what you made for dinner. Remember when you made me quit my job because I was about to start college and you said I wasn’t allowed to work nights which is what I would’ve been doing. I didn’t have money, you haven’t gone shopping in two weeks, we were out of food. You decided to go out to eat instead of going shopping, I wasn’t allowed to go unless I could pay for myself. Guess who didn’t eat that night?

       You kept us in an abusive household for 15 years. Think it was good for my sisters and I to see all that? I ended up in abusive relationships, my sister D sleeps around because she desperately wants a man to love her, my sister A? She has the worse anxiety I’ve ever seen. It’s worse than mine sometimes, who knew that was possible.

       Don’t get me wrong mom, I still love you. I just don’t like you personally, but you’re still my mother and I love you. I mean you’re doing better now, You finally let D move in with dad, who’s finally got his life together, and who’s better for D than you are. You got my sister A into a good school, in a way better area than where we’ve been living. She actually has her own room, your boyfriend is always home to watch her, when he’s not home you take her to my aunts so she’s never home alone.

       You’re just a piece of work as my aunt would say.

How I see my life with J

How I see my life with J

      I see us doing everything together, I don’t see anything like super out there. I just see us growing old together with our small family we start together.  I see us going to my youngest sisters school stuff like we already do, our favorite thing is her chours concerts; we always record them. I see us doing that with our own children one day.  

      I see us with a bunch of cats and dogs, maybe some more birds, who knows. I see our little house or double wide trailer (I’ve been trying to get him to agree to getting one once we can afford one instead of a house) decorated with pictures of us and our family, paintings, and drawings by our kids or my sister’s. 

      I see us working the way we do now; well the way he does now and the way I will be soon. Monday-Friday at a warehouse, off weekends, off on major holidays. I see family vacations, family movie/game nights, family dinners. I see us living a very family oriented life, how we both always wanted. 

        I see him always being there, never leaving us. I see having my first child with him, him being there during the birth, for all those major moments in our child’s life. I know he’s going to be a better father than mine ever was, than his father ever was. I love him more than anything, I can’t see my life without him. 

I Have A New Job!!!

I Have A New Job!!!

     I have a new job! I now work at a warehouse, I’m a picker. I basically take things out of boxes, put them into boxes, and make a pallet out of it. The funniest thing to me about it is that J is a picker at the bigger building to where I work; the thing is though is that he takes the stuff we put into the boxes out of the boxes and into a blue bin that gets sent off to the store.

     I’m really excited to start my new job, I start on September 11th. I have two days of orientation, then I start training for an entire week before I start to work by myself. I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy/excited for a job that isn’t also filled with complete and utter anxiety. I can’t believe I’ll finally be working in a warehouse, no customers, good pay, full-time.

     I’m especially excited to be working for the same company that J works for, even though we aren’t in the same building right now. We do have a chance of eventually working in the same building, it’s not a definite, but a possibility. I missed working for the same company as J like we used to, even if it’s not the same building.

     Oh and lets not forget about the fact that I’ll be working the same hours everyday I work! No more having to check my schedule, no more going in at 11 one day, then going in at 8 the next! I’ll always be going in at 6:30AM, though the time I get off may change depending on how busy we are, I’ll always go in at the same time! I love routine, probably because of my autism, this is something I need in my life. Even though school was stressful, I functioned better as a human while in school because of the structured times. This job has structured times, and that’s what I need and I’ll finally be getting it again. Plus with the weekends off and holidays!

     Anyways I just wanted to gloat about my new job. I’m so happy and excited, I’ve always wanted a job like this. OH! Also I’ll finally be making $12.45 an hour!!!