I Want To Try A Whole Month Of Power Play With J

I Want To Try A Whole Month Of Power Play With J

      So J and I decided to wait to have sex until our honeymoon on the 21st (yes it starts the day after our wedding) which is absolute torture for me; even though I’m the one who brought it up. Our honeymoon is only 7 days away so hopefully it wont e that hard since we work Monday to Thursday this week, and we’re only gong to see each other on Friday at the wedding and we’ll be asleep after the wedding because that is going to be a very busy day.

      J has been way more into the whole BDSM thing lately, he’s actually started initiating it during sex. I haven’t brought it up yet, I decided I’m going to after our wedding, during our honeymoon. I’m really excited, and I hope he is up to it since work is really intense lately. We’ve been working 11 to 12 hour shifts all week, and the managers said it might be staying like this for a while.

     I want to do it with more than just sex though. I want him to be fully dominate, want him to control everything that’s outside of work. I’ve been doing a lot of reading on how it could affect your relationship. I think it could be really helpful for us, especially since we have a lot of problems with our sex lives. Mostly that he doesn’t fully understand how much the power play means to me. Especially since I’m a little and he’s supposed to be my daddy, though we haven’t done a full scene lately.

     He has been dong little things once in a while that made me feel little and was a little daddish. He just hasn’t been fully into daddy space I’m just hoping that he woks on that more, I really miss being little and him be daddy at the same time.

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Changes At Work

Changes At Work

    So I work in a warehouse, for the same company as my soon-to-be husband. The only difference is that I work in the other building that deals with the holiday stuff, so I’m technically a seasonal worker. Well today I found out that I’m most likely being changed to a full-time worker at the main building (where J works!) when my building closes after the holidays. So today I went up to the main building to start training (I’m in the same area as J, but we probably will never work in the same mod, we’ll see later on though). I go back again tomorrow for more training, depending on how things are still going at the holiday building (we’re super a head and have barely anything to do over there) I might just end up working in the main building from now on.

     I was really upset at first, I had a mini meltdown last night when they first told me I’d be going to the other building today. As soon as I clocked out and J picked me up I started crying. I was in full on panic mode, there were tears, troubles breathing, thinking of all the bad things that could possibly happen. J and his mom finally were able to calm me down once we got home and he explained to her why I was crying. I was honestly upset this morning also, everything felt wrong and I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t eat breakfast on my first break because it was at a different time than it usually is. I had a really hard time with lunch also because it was half an hour earlier than I usually have it, I managed to eat it all though!

     The job itself though? I absolutely love it! It’s way more repetitive than at the holiday building. Plus it’s a lot less work, no lifting heavy things, no pulling a pallet with you, no making pallets! I was just putting small items in a blue tote and setting it on a conveyor belt! I really hope they keep me at this building, I even got a lot more done at that building then I ever have at the holiday building, and I’d do over 500 tickets at the holiday building! My productivity is defiantly going to be higher than usual if they keep me at this building.

     either way I still see myself working at this place for a long time. If I can help it I think I’d like to work there until I retire or until I die. Unless somehow I can survive being a stay at home mom. Also I was thinking after I’ve ben there for a while I would like to get trained on the equipment that way I would get paid more and it would be nice to have more expierence than just picking if I was to ever have to find anotehr job.

Movie Theatres & Aspergers

Movie Theatres & Aspergers

Lets just get one things clear: I HATE MOVIE THEATRES!

     Okay so I’m not writing this saying it’s the same for everyone with aspergers, I’m talking about my own personal experience & as anyone else who has the same problems due to their aspergers. Now that’s out-of-the-way let’s get started.

      I was about 10 years old the first time I went to the theatres to see a movie, 14 or 15 the second time, 16 the third, 18 the fourth, and 18 the last two times I went. That’s just counting going to see actual movies. I also went a few times in ones inside museums for school trips, those were worse than regular ones: my groups always ended up having to leave because I was become hysterical.

       First off the lighting in the general building, it’s off-putting. It’s either way to bright or it looks like it’s flickering, or it’s really dim. The entire place reeks of popcorn, it’s almost suffocating. I’m really sensitive to smells, and that really gets to me, I actually gag a lot because I can barely handle the smells. The bathrooms, they just don’t seem clean so I refuse to use them, I don’t know why, no matter how clean they look I don’t feel safe in the bathroom.

      If it’s busy it’s even worse. J and I recently went to go see the new IT movie (I really procrastinated on writing this), I loved the movie, hated the experience. Lots and lots of people, way to many. We had to sit next to other people, and even though I was on the aisle seat it still bothered me. No matter what way I looked I saw more people.

    The room you watch the movie in? Forget it, the volume for the movie is way to loud. I get a headache before the movie even starts, and I sometimes can’t even concentrate on the words. You know how the aisle has those little lights on the floor so you can kinda see where you’re going if you get up during the movie? I fucking hate those things, they distract me. I always end up trying to count how many lightbulbs are inside of it. Let’s not forget the people who talk during the movie, even if they whisper it still bothers me a lot.

      I always end up rocking in my seat, sometimes I scratch my arm, other times I bring something with to play with in my hands. Just depends on if I thought a head or not.

Thoughts On Our Future

Thoughts On Our Future

     Work doesn’t require me to do a lot of thinking so I kind of just go off into my own world. I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that I’ll most likely never be a mother and what that would do to J and my lives later on. Our entire relationship we’ve always talked about having kids one day, and as you guys know we were almost successful before. The thing is, now I have more information so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be trying to have kids ever again. Who knows though, maybe when we’re older they will have something that could help with my double mutation.

      We’ve talked a little bit about other options, like adopting, foster care, maybe a surrogate (we got rid of that idea real fast after reading some things about that option though). We’re pretty young so maybe our minds will change in a few years, but as of now we don’t want to adopt or do foster care. I’m honestly not even sure if we’d get approved for foster care since we both have a documented history of mental illness along with my aspergers. Maybe things will change in a few years, but that’s out decision at the moment.

      So as of right now since things look like we aren’t having kids, how do we see our lives going? Well lets talk about some of the bases, we are saving up for a mobile home; that’s kinda been the plan since the beginning but we have briefly talked about getting a house before. After getting our own mobil home we’re going to get some pets of our own, a few dogs and maybe a cat or two. I know for a fact we’re going to get a black lab, I grew up with one and it was the most sweet & loving dog I’ve ever met and I just love the breed. We might get a husky or a pug, we haven’t really decided, I defiantly want a maincoon (a type of cat that gets really big). I’m thinking about getting a turtle or fish- J has been talking about parrot fish a lot lately and I think I want to surprise him with one when we get our own place.

      I want to get at least a two bedroom mobil home, that way if we decide to have kids we wont have to find a new place, there’s already a room available. Until we have kids, or if we stick with the not having any, the second room will be a guest room. It’ll be used for our future nieces and nephews, and my little sister A (since she’s only 11 right now).

      One upside to no kids? We’ll be able to have sex where ever we want in the house. Plus I wont have to worry about J stopping the DD/LG play if we don’t have kids. Once we have our own home I’m going to try to get J to try some new BDSM stuff we haven’t tried before, or just haven’t done since we stayed in a hotel for a few days a year ago. I really want to try “humiliation” punishments once we have our own place (I’m going to bring it up on our honeymoon and possibly try it then). I’m also thinking, since we wont have kids we’ll be able to do more things together & have more money. Once J finishes paying off his debt (almost there btw!) and we live on our own we can basically do whatever we want. We’ll be able to go away on weekends (camping!) or just walk around the house naked / have sex anywhere (he can bend me over the kitchen counter and fuck me whenever he wants!).

      I’m still really upset about not being able to have kids, but at least it’s not all bad. I prefer to have kids to all this, but since it’s not really in our cards, mine as well look at the bright side.

Sister Got Uninvited From My Wedding

Sister Got Uninvited From My Wedding

    I went to visit my mom yesterday and spent the night. When she picked me up she had both my sisters (my sister D lives with dad and doesn’t visit mom much). I was kinda excited because even though I don’t like her much she’s still my sister and I love her. The first two hours went really well, we went to eat at Bob’s Evans than went to Goodwill to look for a desk for D’s bedroom at our dads.

      We didn’t find a desk but we found this really cool chair that she really liked and wanted, it looked kinda like this:

    Sorry for the awkward picture, don’t know how to save pictures on the laptop I have. Anyways, she was really good and nice. After getting into the car she just flips out calling my mom names, being nasty, hitting my mom (who was driving BTW), hit me, tried to hit our youngest sister A. She started screaming things where we could barely even understand what she was saying, crying, she was manic; it was insane.

      By the time we got to moms apartment she was calmed down, she was sitting next to me on the couch and mom was in the bathroom crying. Of course being the idiot I am I told J what was happening through text while we were still in the car, and he happened to just respond to me when she was looking at my phone. He said if she was going to continue hitting everyone he doesn’t want her at the wedding, she flipped her shit. Screaming, throwing things, kicking things, trying to attack our 12-year-old sister A, attacking mom. It was unbelievable, she was out of control, it was like she was possessed by something.

       She ended up texting J from her phone, saying some really hurtful things. Mom got her to get her stuff together to take her home; halfway out the door she turned to me and started calling me a bitch saying she didn’t want to come to my wedding. I made the mistake of responding and said “that’s fine, you’re uninvited” that PISSED her off. She threw a shampoo bottle at me, I ducked, and it hit this glass figure of an eagle that belongs to moms boyfriend (which we later found out his mom bought him right before she died).

      Mom finally got her out of the house and into the car, they left to take her home while A and I cleaned up the shattered eagle. She ended up texting me while in the car with mom, saying these nasty things about how She’s glad I can’t have kids / I don’t deserve to be a mother / hopes that if I do get pregnant I miscarry and just a bunch of stuff like that. That’s when I had enough, I blocked her number, blocked her on Facebook & instagram, and asked my cousin to be my second brides maid. I told my dad not to bring her to my wedding, told my mom she’s not allowed. J agrees with m obviously, since he’s the one who suggested it first. I mean, come on; you’re 15 years old, and acting like a 5-year-old throwing a temper tantrum absolutely ridiculous.

      Mom was gone for maybe half an hour (dad lives about half an hour away) before she called crying. D had bullied her in the car, got out at a red light and went to the side of the road after mom said something mean to her. Mom drove over to where she was on the side of the road to try to get her in the car, she ended up getting in the car, they got in another fight where D ended up hitting mom AGAIN. Think mom might have hit back once, she got back out of the car, mom locked the doors, and guess what D did. She picked up a rock and scratched up the side of moms car.

     After a few minutes mom lets her back in the car, and drove her the rest of the way to dads. She got out of the car but sat on the hood of the car screaming, demanding mom gives her all the cash in her wallet. My mom being the idiot she is didn’t call my dad down from his apartment, no, instead she just gave my sister all $14 she had. D went up to the apartment, smashed her new phone, then started texting mom from her iPod demanding she buys her a new phone. Mom shut off d’s phone service and wont respond to any of her messages, so she’s not getting her way with this. I ended up telling dad about D taking money from mom and he said next time he sees mom he’ll pay her back the $15 and he’s really sorry for how D acted.

     She’s acted up before, but this was beyond anything I’ve ever seen her do before; It was truly terrifying. If she can’t behave herself in an everyday situation I can’t trust her to behave at my wedding. So it’s final, my sister isn’t coming to my wedding, she’s not invited and will be kicked out if she shows up along with whoever brought her with. So now my cousin K and my sister A are my two brides maids, my cousin has to find a dress so we’re gonna go dress shopping on the Sunday after she gets her first paycheck from her new job.

Weed Vs. CBD oil & gummy bears

Weed Vs. CBD oil & gummy bears

       I noticed a few differences since J and I switched from smoking weed to vaping CBD oil and taking gummy bears. I know that the CBD oil comes from the same plant, but it’s very different at the same time. I don’t know much about the details, J knows all that; he’s the one who did the research and decided on the switch.

       I absolutely love the CBD way more than I like smoking weed. First off, I don’t have this weird cotton feeling in my head the next morning with the CBD oil like I do when I smoke weed. I’m also able to think a lot easier, my thoughts don’t get all mixed up like I do when I’m high. I just feel calm and it really helps me sleep, and it’s a real sleep; I don’t feel heavy and I don’t wake up constantly during the night. When I smoke weed I fall into this sleep that makes me feel heavy and I wake up off and on all night.

         I don’t do it that often though, same as how I didn’t smoke weed that often. Though if I”m being honest I do this a little more than I did weed, but it’s like maybe once a week, sometimes twice if I’m having a hard week. Oh I almost forget, it helps me with my back pain, a lot better and faster than ibrophen. Whenever I complain about my back hurting J gives me two or three of the gummy bears and the pain goes away after a while, best thing is that I fall asleep and when I wake up it still doesn’t bother me.

       We still have a little bit weed in our hiding spot but honestly I don’t think it’s going to be smoked anytime soon. J also likes the CBD a lot more than weed. This also helps with my anxiety a lot better than weed ever did. I honestly don’t know how to explain how it really makes me feel. The weed did make me feel better than when I wasn’t smoking it, as in I wasn’t having much back pain and it stopped my anxiety. The thing is though, the CBD; that really helps. It makes it all feel better without making me having a cotton feeling in my head, and it’s easier to think with this instead of when I smoke weed and my head gets mixed up a little.

My New Job

My New Job

     I love my new job, it’s amazing. Today was my second official day working; Monday and Tuesday I had orientation. If you didn’t know, I’m a picker at a warehouse now, we pick things for stores. Yesterday I pick 54 tags for one store, It took me until after my lunch to finish it. After I finished that I started another store that had 85 tags, I got 40 of them done before I had to leave.

      Today I did so much better, I did three stores! I wanted to do a fourth store; but since I’m new to the job I’m not really allowed to stay after 3:00. They had me cleaning up empty boxes since everyone likes to just leave them sitting around taking up space. I accidentally stayed until 3:36 because there’s no clocks and I forgot my watch this morning, I got so into my work I didn’t realize it was so late. No one said anything to me so I don’t think it’s going to be a problem.

      The only problem I have with this job is that there’s only one clock in the entire building. The clock is in the break room and it’s not a digital clock, which makes it even worse! Just to explain I literally cannot read those clocks, I’ve been taught how to read them more times than I can count it just doesn’t stick. Tonight I’m going to get ALL my stuff for work tomorrow together so I don’t forget my watch again. Not being able to read the only clock in the building has made it really difficult to fill out my paperwork that records all the work I’ve been doing, so I defiantly need to take my watch with me.

      For once in my life I actually enjoy my job, I know it’s weird but I really do. There’s routine and it’s simple, full of order, it’s just perfect. This is literally the perfect job for my autistic ass (joke obviously). I never thought I would enjoy a job and be excited to go to work, but here I am, enjoying my job and being excited for work.

       ALSO!!! While at work, I’m not anxious. Usually at my jobs, or school, I’m afraid to do things without constantly asking for reassurance, at this job I feel confident and I have no problem doing my job. I know that I’m just going to get better with time, this is the kind of job I needed! I can’t believe that I didn’t try for this kind of job before and that I was so reluctant to get it.