Thoughts On Our Future

Thoughts On Our Future

     Work doesn’t require me to do a lot of thinking so I kind of just go off into my own world. I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that I’ll most likely never be a mother and what that would do to J and my lives later on. Our entire relationship we’ve always talked about having kids one day, and as you guys know we were almost successful before. The thing is, now I have more information so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be trying to have kids ever again. Who knows though, maybe when we’re older they will have something that could help with my double mutation.

      We’ve talked a little bit about other options, like adopting, foster care, maybe a surrogate (we got rid of that idea real fast after reading some things about that option though). We’re pretty young so maybe our minds will change in a few years, but as of now we don’t want to adopt or do foster care. I’m honestly not even sure if we’d get approved for foster care since we both have a documented history of mental illness along with my aspergers. Maybe things will change in a few years, but that’s out decision at the moment.

      So as of right now since things look like we aren’t having kids, how do we see our lives going? Well lets talk about some of the bases, we are saving up for a mobile home; that’s kinda been the plan since the beginning but we have briefly talked about getting a house before. After getting our own mobil home we’re going to get some pets of our own, a few dogs and maybe a cat or two. I know for a fact we’re going to get a black lab, I grew up with one and it was the most sweet & loving dog I’ve ever met and I just love the breed. We might get a husky or a pug, we haven’t really decided, I defiantly want a maincoon (a type of cat that gets really big). I’m thinking about getting a turtle or fish- J has been talking about parrot fish a lot lately and I think I want to surprise him with one when we get our own place.

      I want to get at least a two bedroom mobil home, that way if we decide to have kids we wont have to find a new place, there’s already a room available. Until we have kids, or if we stick with the not having any, the second room will be a guest room. It’ll be used for our future nieces and nephews, and my little sister A (since she’s only 11 right now).

      One upside to no kids? We’ll be able to have sex where ever we want in the house. Plus I wont have to worry about J stopping the DD/LG play if we don’t have kids. Once we have our own home I’m going to try to get J to try some new BDSM stuff we haven’t tried before, or just haven’t done since we stayed in a hotel for a few days a year ago. I really want to try “humiliation” punishments once we have our own place (I’m going to bring it up on our honeymoon and possibly try it then). I’m also thinking, since we wont have kids we’ll be able to do more things together & have more money. Once J finishes paying off his debt (almost there btw!) and we live on our own we can basically do whatever we want. We’ll be able to go away on weekends (camping!) or just walk around the house naked / have sex anywhere (he can bend me over the kitchen counter and fuck me whenever he wants!).

      I’m still really upset about not being able to have kids, but at least it’s not all bad. I prefer to have kids to all this, but since it’s not really in our cards, mine as well look at the bright side.

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A Letter To My Sister D

A Letter To My Sister D

      You are the most ungrateful person I’ve ever met. Everyone in our family has done everything they can for you, we’ve been there for you no matter what. You’ve never even cared though all you care about is yourself. Mom may really suck, but she’s been there for you, she’s given you more than she’s ever given me. Dad only recently started being there for you, and he doesn’t really care; he’s just trying to prove people wrong.

      You’re such a smart and beautiful girl, I love you so much. Even though I can’t stand you; you’re my little sister and I love you. Ever since you were little you want to be a lawyer but ever since 8th grade you’ve just stopped doing school work and failing. I still can’t believe that they’ve let you move up to high school and now you’re a sophomore in high school.

      You used to be such a nice girl, what happened to you? Now you’re mean and hateful. You hit your mom and sisters. You have sex with guys over 18, post nudes, doing drugs (don’t act like I don’t know, you don’t have that instagram account on private!), you act all grown. You’re literally 15 D, what happened to you? I can’t stand you anymore, I want to scream and shake you.

      You need some sense knocked into. Do you realize what you’re doing is going to affect your future? Your life barely even started and you’re already destroying it. It makes me so angry to see people do this to themselves, you’re following dads example. You’re so stupid, just thought you should know this. Love you.

A Letter To My Father

A Letter To My Father

      I’m going to start off this by letting you know you’ve been a really big loser for the last 8 or 9 years. You were a good dad before the drugs and everything, and I do see your progress, you’re trying really hard. I know it’s always been hard for you to show your interest and to care about other people, you’re diagnosed with bipolar, a sociopath (AKA antisocial personality disorder), narcissist.

        There’s only a few things I still can’t stand about you. I’m so proud of you for doing so well lately, not doing drugs, trying to show interest in my sisters and my life, taking my one sister in your home when mom can’t do the right thing for her. Though I can’t stand that you take every chance you get to trash talk mom, don’t you realize that you were abusive to her my entire life? Sure she’s kind of bitch, but you’re no better.

      Even with all the bad things in the past you’re probably my favorite parent. Even though you weren’t there for me most of my life, you’re here now and you don’t judge me like mom always have. You believe in me, you want my life to go the way I want it to, you don’t try to set up a timeline for my life like mom tries to.

       Remember when I was younger, before you started doing drugs and everything? I was such a daddy’s girl, I got all excited whenever you would come home from work. Sometimes mom would take me to your work site during your lunch when you used to put insolation in houses. I hated when you did drugs and wouldn’t show any interest in me or my sisters.

A Letter To My Mother

A Letter To My Mother

      I know you did the best you can mom. I love you for that, because of you I finally got to go to a school with people who were nicer. I finally made friends and met my soon to be husband. You raised three kids by yourself most of your life as a mother, you’re just now getting help. Sure you had a little help from your sister when we lived with her, but not really.

      Now you know I love you, but I can’t really stand you as a person. You have been abusive to me my entire life and not my sisters, whenever I bring it up you say it’s because you can’t handle my autism. You used to hit me, well you still hit me when I visit. You yell at me calling me lazy, threatening to shut my phone off (even though I give her to money a week early every month), saying I’m stupid. Than when I tell my aunt or fiance you tell them I’m making things up, thus making my aunt think I’m lying and making my fiance hate you more and more.

      Oh and let’s not forget about how you treated me when you lost your food stamps because I turned 18. I did have a job at the beginning, and you made me buy my own food, and I wasn’t allowed to eat anything you bought except for what you made for dinner. Remember when you made me quit my job because I was about to start college and you said I wasn’t allowed to work nights which is what I would’ve been doing. I didn’t have money, you haven’t gone shopping in two weeks, we were out of food. You decided to go out to eat instead of going shopping, I wasn’t allowed to go unless I could pay for myself. Guess who didn’t eat that night?

       You kept us in an abusive household for 15 years. Think it was good for my sisters and I to see all that? I ended up in abusive relationships, my sister D sleeps around because she desperately wants a man to love her, my sister A? She has the worse anxiety I’ve ever seen. It’s worse than mine sometimes, who knew that was possible.

       Don’t get me wrong mom, I still love you. I just don’t like you personally, but you’re still my mother and I love you. I mean you’re doing better now, You finally let D move in with dad, who’s finally got his life together, and who’s better for D than you are. You got my sister A into a good school, in a way better area than where we’ve been living. She actually has her own room, your boyfriend is always home to watch her, when he’s not home you take her to my aunts so she’s never home alone.

       You’re just a piece of work as my aunt would say.

Eating Disordered Thoughts

Eating Disordered Thoughts

     All eating disorders have the same roots, weight. That’s how mine started out, I thought I needed to lose weight because a few people at school called me fat while teasing me. Now it’s kinda moved onto habit, to stress making me feel sick if I eat, and sometimes I do think I look to big.

     I’ve been doing so amazing lately, I was up to 130.5 though now I’m back to 125.6 sadly. I was trying and I feel bad for this but a few people made some comments about my weight, though one of them was a good comment. I guess it just kinda freaked me out and now I’m down again. I’m still trying right now, I eat at least three meals a day; plus I snack a lot during the day. The other week I was at 123.7 but I brought it back up to where I’m at right now.

     I don’t even understand why this is a problem, well I mean I do understand. Recovery from an eating disorder, well any addiction or disorder like this, is more than just being hospitilized. It’s more than just gaining the weight or stopping the behaviour. It’s hard to keep up on it though, I have to constantly watch myself and just be aware of my thoughts towards food.

      If I could be completely honest right now I honestly think it looks absolutely terrible when you’re only skin and bones. I hate the looks of the skin so tight against the bones. The thing is though, I kinda wanna get like that, I hate how it looks, but I want it. How fucked up is that? Especially since I actually like looking this big right now; yet I want to look sick. I wish no one but me would actually notice, f that was the case I would probably let it happen. I would just feel to guilty to let myself get that small, especially when people notice it, especially family.

     I don’t want my family to see me getting sick. they’ve already been through so much with me and my anorexia and my cutting, sucide attempts. I don’t want to put them through any more. Oh and lets not forget J, I couldn’t put him through that, I don’t want him to see that side of me. I’ve worked so hard to keep tat side of me away from him, he probably has no clue how I feel about all this. He knows small bits and pieces of it, but tat’s all. He doesn’t know the full extent of it. I don’t think anyone in m family or really anyone in my life fully knows the extent to it. I wasn’t exactly very truthful while in the hospital.

      I told everyone that it was just because of stress and the textures of food. Though that those are factors into my anorexia, it’s also weight. It’s very very confusing for me because I like being healthy, I love being a healthy weight. The thing is… I want to look sick, but only for myself, not anyone else. I don’t want anyone but me to see how sick I look and I want to hate how I look. I just don’t know how to explain it, I don’t really know what’s wrong with me.

My Autism Or My Anxiety?

My Autism Or My Anxiety?

     I honestly can’t tell the difference between my autism anxiety or my regular anxiety. I am just constantly anxious about anything and everything, my chest constantly hurts, and I want to sleep during the day and be up all night. Last night I was up until 1:30 AM working on my novel, because I was to anxious to sleep. I’m extremely freaked out about all this change that’s happening.

  • New job
  • Getting Married
  • Not living with my mom
  • My dad trying to be in my life

    Some of these things aren’t even new, I’m just now starting to deal with them. I have no idea why I’m so anxious about all this, most of it is actually really good. I should be happy and excited, not sitting here having trouble with sleeping, nauseous and everything else.

     All this anxiety is probably because of my autism. I mean why else would I be having this much anxiety over change. Regular people don’t get this messed up over change. Hopefully all this will go away soon, the anxiety I mean.

     I keep repeating my safe numbers in my head and trying to remind myself that I’m real. Though I don’t feel very real, like this is all a dream, or I’m a ghost that took over a body. Maybe that’s why I can’t remember most things from before middle school.

 

New Manager on a Power Trip

New Manager on a Power Trip

     Monday was absolutely terrible! The new manager is my manager, and she has threated that she could see into my backyard and I should be carefull what I do there (I usually get high there so I don’t hurt my birds cause they’re in my room so she might’ve seen me do that). On Monday though she asked me to do the trash, EVERYONE knows I don’t do the trash because you have to ask someone to open up the trash compactor and I wont talk to anyone to do that. So I asked my coworker, lets call him JH, to do it for me while I worked on the slicers.

     Once she found out, she FLIPPED! She started screaming at me, calling me lazy, disrispectful, she didn’t stop until I was crying. Then, after that, she yelled at JH for doing the trash for me, than she went to the back, got another higher up manager, and told them that I was refusing to do the trash and no one was doing it. They both pulled me back there and they both screamed at me until I cried. Once I started crying they told me I wasn’t in trouble, but it counted as me being coached. Which makes no sense, cause I litteraly did nothing wrong, we’re allowed to switch tasks, as long as it’s getting done, and it was!

     When I told them that I’m autistic they were like “well that’s no reason to be disrespectful” which I still don’t understand what I did to be disrespectful. She’s also apparently been telling people at work that I’m stupid and she doesn’t think I’ll last more than a month. I’ve been there for 7 months, I’m the hardest worker, I get everything done, or make sure it gets done. I’ve never had any problems that were my fault, the only other time I got yelled at was when there weren’t enough people closing and I wouldn’t stay after my shift to finish.