Baby Fever

Baby Fever

     I’ve honestly had baby fever for the last three years, ever since my first miscarriage. This second time… It really hasn’t helped at all, every time I see a child I just picture that being me with my baby… I feel a stabbing pain in my chest, I feel empty, like a failure…

     I feel as if I was meant to be a mother, I feel it with every fiber of my being. My body doesn’t agree with me though, refusing to carry my child to full term, not getting pregnant. Even though I haven’t used a condom in forever, like seriously? People get pregnant while using condoms and birth control, how could my body be so stubborn?

     I’m also very conflicted about having a child right now… We aren’t exactly in the most ideal situation right now, we both hate our jobs, we don’t have a car, or a license, we don’t have our own home. We live with J’s family, they give us rides to and from work, and when they can’t we take a Uber. The other thing is though… I have a limited time to get pregnant, My doctor has told me I don’t have long to get pregnant, because I have a double mutation in my gene’s, and most people with this, if they do get pregnant, their child usually has some kind of birth defect.

     I know that it’s self-fish to try to get pregnant, especially knowing all the risk of my future child, and the risk for me. Also with our current spot in life, but what if I lose my chance to get pregnant? I do have a small chance of having a child with no birth defect, of being completely healthy like any other person… I want this so badly… I always wanted to be a mother, how is it fair that I get the bad deal of gene’s and it’s next to impossible? There are people who hate kids that can, and do, get pregnant!

     Things are getting a lot better between my fiance and I again, which is good, we want to bring our child into our relationship when things are good. We want them to have a good life, the best we can possibly give them. That might sound wrong, since things aren’t great financially or living situation, but at least they would have a roof over their head, people who would love them… It’s just, there’s a small window, and there’s never the perfect time, some are just better than others. We’ll get there, whether it’s before or after the baby is born. Well, that’s assuming that I can / do get pregnant.

     I want to talk to my fiance about this, but I feel like I’ve already said everything there is to say about it already. There’s no new thoughts then there already was, and I’m very sure he’s tired of hearing the same things over and over again. I know he’ll listen without complaining, and he’ll be supportive, I just feel bad saying the same things over and over again. Especially since I’m sure he’s getting frustrated as well, he seems disappointed every time that stupid pregnancy test says “not pregnant”. I almost cried last time it said that, I can’t tell you if it was because of frustration or sadness though. I feel as if I’m losing hope of ever getting pregnant… How do people do this for  years without breaking? It’s only been a few months and I feel like I’m going to..

     I get so fucking upset when people talk about their children, grandchildren, sibblings, or nieces / nefews. I just get so jealous, these people had their kids. Their having kids, and here I am, trying so hard, and it’s not happening. Why can’t just wanting it hard enuogh make it happen? If only the worlds was like that, but sadly it’s not…

     Sorry for this rant / depressing post, just really hasn’t been much else on my mind…

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Jealously​ 

Jealously​ 

How is it that there’s a bunch of girls I went to middle and high school with that are pregnant and/or just had a kid? Half of them don’t even want the baby and are angry they they’re pregnant. God, I want a baby, I want my baby that I lost… I loved my little shit with all my heart, why did my body fail me and the baby? 

I just look at all these girls pictures of their babies, their ultrasounds, the post about it all… I just get filled with this extreme jealously, they have their kid… They’re having their kid… Why did this have to happen to me? I’m happy for them, I really am, I’m just upset that I’m not having mine… 

Also at work, a bunch of women bring their children up to the deli. Some even let their kid say the other and they ask for a slice of cheese.  It’s just so cute! My heart melts, but it also drops to my stomach because I just think. The baby I just spent the last 4 months making in my body just died, j and I aren’t having our little angel… 

It hurts so much and I just keep seeing all these babies and young children, even some pregnant girls. I feel so bad that I’m jealous of them, it’s a very happy time for them. Well, except for the few that are angry about being pregnant. 

Sorry for the rant, J hasn’t really talked to me much about it all, just said he’s upset and wants to try again after I have time to let my body repair itself or whatever.  

Uodate: second miscarriage

Uodate: second miscarriage

So I was pregnant…. It’s a miscarriage…

Might not be on for a few days, I mean I haven’t been on much recently. J has already told my boss the news, since I’m off until Saturday. Waiting to hear about her response, she was always asking me about the baby and was very excited about it all. 

I’m beyond devistated, like I said I was in the other post where I thought I was never pregnant. I thought if this would happen again I wouldn’t feel as bad, since I’ve been through it before, but it actually hurts more this time. We don’t plan on actually trying for a baby, but we aren’t going to try and prevent it. Whatever happens happens. Hopefully the next time I’m pregnant things go right. 

J and I are going on a date tomorrow to a park nearby. We plan on talking about what we’re going to do and say. We already decided to just tell family I wasn’t pregnant. Don’t really want family feeling bad for me, it’s harder to deal with that then coworkers feeling bad for you. At least then, they aren’t always going to remind us, since we won’t always work with them. Other than that we aren’t so sure, so tomorrow we’re going to talk about it while enjoying the nice weather. 

This really hurts more than anything. When I wanted to kill myself hurt less than this. Why can’t my body work right and do its job? There’s a whole section in my body dedicated to creating life, and it still doesn’t work? I wish that I could just switch my reproductive system so I could successfully have a child…

What the hell to my body?

What the hell to my body?

All there’s a really big chance that I’m bout actually pregnant. The only thing I have to say about how I feel about it is, I’m extremely devistated. I was so excited about the baby, and things were starting to get better with money and everything. Maybe this is a good thing though, me not being pregnant, gives us time to get things ready. 

My doctor is being very rude and annoying with me though about this. Recently all my pee pregnancy test started coming back negative, and I stopped gaining weight. I haven’t lost weight, but I haven’t gain any. My doctor also didn’t do the blood pregnancy test, even though she did a bunch of blood test recently, which really upsets me, because I asked her to. 

My blood test all came back normal though, so I’m fine. My doctor said that there’s a possibility that I’m having pregnancy symptoms and got a positive result is because my period is stuck in me. She prescribed some kind of medication that’s supposed to force it to start since it’s been about 4 months since I’ve had it. 

I honestly feel lied to by my body. Why would it give me a positive test if I’m not pregnant? All the symptoms? I’m just so angry, and even though this obviously isn’t the same as having a miscarriage, I’m kind of having a lot of the same feelings I had when I did have one a few years ago. 

That may sound a little over dramatic, but it’s just how it makes me feel… My body told me I was pregnant, and it turns out I’m most likely not? 

I wish my doctor listened to me and did a blood test, that way I would know for sure. I’m almost done with the prescription of the medication that’s supposed to make me have a period and it still hasn’t started. I also haven’t been feeling cramping or anything. 

Wonder what’s going on with my body. None of this is making sense to me and I’m just feeling angry and confused. J hasn’t really said anything about it except “I know, I’m okay about it to”.  That doesn’t help that much either. 

Family knows? Well, kinda…

Family knows? Well, kinda…

So we decided to finally sort of tell our family. My mom has been suspicious on whether I was pregnant or not, but when I took a pregnancy test to prove it to her it was a false negative. So we decided to just tell our families that we think I’m pregnant. 

My mom is not happy, but she’s supportive, kinda. She did say that I would be a terrible mother, but I think it was her anger taking. It’s not like I could be a worse mother then she was/is. I think once she knows I’m pregnant for sure she’ll calm down and be happy. I’m really hoping she’s a better grandmother than she was a mom. I want my child to have involved grandparents, and just because she’ll probably be living in another state doesn’t mean she can’t be there. 

My dad, he’s SUPER excited. He can’t wait to find out for sure that I’m pregnant, and he’s hoping I have a girl. I was surprised he was expected, since he wasn’t that excited to be a dad. Maybe being a grandfather will be easier for him.though, since he’ll only have to visit, not care for the baby 24/7. He immediately looked happy when I told him, he’s not even worried about what J and I are gonna do. Then again, he’s not the most responsible person, though he says it’s just because he trust J and I to figure it out and he knows we have other family members to help us. Since he’s unable to, because he’s homeless and a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. 

My sister D, she is not happy. She keeps saying all these things about how J and I will be terrible parents because I’m autistic and J chose me. Which doesn’t make much sense, we can still be great parents, I mean we did meet when we were working in our high schools preschool. We’ve both taken child care classes and worked in the preschool for two years. Plus I’ve raised a baby for a while, though he doesn’t have much experience with that, I’m confident he’ll be an amazing dad. D is just a negative person who likes to hurt others, no one in my family really likes her, not even our mom. 

My sister A is excited, she’s only 12 but she wants to be an aunt very badly. She keeps telling me all the things she wants to do with my baby, like going to the park, playing with the baby toys. She also wants to show the baby her creepypasta when the baby gets older. I think she’ll be a great aunt, she’s a really good kid, and very responsible for her age. Though I wouldn’t leave the baby alone with her obviously. 

J’s mother, she’s worried. She’s hoping I’m not pregnant, that we should wait until we’re 25 or 27. A little late for that, but oh well. She said that if I am she does want to be involved, but only if we take the baby to visit her, because she’s to old to be driving to wherever we live to see the baby. I’m very glad she said that, even if she does scare me, I do want her involved in our childs life. I want all of the baby’s grandparents, except Js dad, involved. 

I don’t know about Js brother DA though, J hasn’t talked to him directly about it. Neither have I, I actually haven’t even seen him since we’ve started telling family. I think he’d be like his mom though, worried but wants to be involved if I am. Hopefully though, he’d come to our home to see the baby. Would make things a lot easier, since where we’ll most likely live would take us an hour to walk to where he lives and a taxi would be an unnecessary extra bill. 

We haven’t told extended family yet, but I have my first appointment on Friday, and my aunt is taking me. Once the appointment is over and I find out for “sure” I’m going to tell her and then probably post about it on Facebook so the rest of my family knows.  

Excitement over the baby

Excitement over the baby

So J has recently been actually excited about the baby. He’s been happy and sort of excited about being a dad, but the last week or so he’s been super excited. I’ve recently gained a lot more weight and my stomach is starting to look a little pregnant, at least when I’m only wearing a tank top or naked. Since this, he’s been so involved. 

Before he wouldn’t really talk much about the baby’s unless I brought it up, now he’s bringing up the baby constantly. He even started feeling my stomach (he’s getting kinda inpatient and wants to feel the baby kick, though that doesn’t happen for a little while longer) and talking to my stomach. He has this look in his eyes when he talks about the baby also, it’s amazing. I was honest still a little worried he was going to change his mind and regret the baby. He’s finally slowing excitment though, so I’m not as worried anymore. 

I’ve obviously been excited the entire time and you might be able to tell from most of my post. Even though I worry a lot, I’m still excited and can’t wait to meet our baby. I’m especially excited to have J as the father, he’s going to be a great dad. I just know it, he’s so amazing with kids, and he really wants this like he said. 

He’s even started looking at stuff to get for the baby. He really wants to do one of those “special” toy or blanket thing with out kid like my mom did with my sisters and I. If you don’t know what that is, it’s usually a small stuffed animal or blanket you give to the baby when they’re born and they keep it until it’s completely fallen apart or until they decide to get rid of it on their own. I still have my special toy, it’s a stuffed animal German shepherds I named Sarg. My youngest sister also still has her stuffed doll she named Ella, well actually she has a replacement Ella, we lost the real Ella when she was like 4 when there was a really bad snow storm and never found it. 

So that’s something we’re looking into, he’s really excited about that, we’ve also started actually talking about how we want to partent. We basiy have all the same thoughts on everything, we’re still discussing electronics though. We can’t agree on what age they have to be and the rules with it. He thinks I’m being a little to strict and I think he’s being to trusting, we’ll work it out though. We have plenty of time for that. 

BDSM and pregnant / mother to be?

BDSM and pregnant / mother to be?

Something most people don’t know about J and I is that we’re in a DD/LG [daddy Dom/little girl]  relationship (a specific type of Dom/sub relationship). We’ve been in this kind of relationship for most of our relationship, and he’s an amazing daddy Dom. I love his daddy Dom side, he’s very firm yet very loving work me. 

Since I’ve gotten pregnant though we’ve both been having a hard time going into Daddy and little space. I really miss it and I’ve tried talking to him about it, it’s hard to though. We’ve both have have a huge responsibility on the way, along with us working most of the day almost everyday. It seems like we don’t really have time for the DD/LG part of our relationship anymore, which really sucks. 

I love being his little girl, he loves being my daddy. It’s something we did all the time when together, now it’s just during sex. He doesn’t color with me, read to me, play with my stuffed animals with me anymore. I miss it so much, I feel like a huge part of me / our relationship is disappearing. 

We did talk about it for a few minutes a few days ago. He said he feels like if we keep up with the DD/LG part of our relationship, he’ll end up having to take care of the baby and me by himself. Which is NOT true, I want our baby very much, and will be a mother. I only want the dd/lg to be during our time alone together, like it’s been​ the entire time. I don’t know how to explain it to him though, it’s always been hard for me to talk to him about my BDSM wants/needs. 

Our kinky sex has kinda stopped as well, all we really do is take turns tying each other up and I call him daddy during sex. We used to do so much more, like spanking, breath play, hair pulling, blind folding, and a lot lot lot more. He’s to afraid to do any of that anymore though, he’s afraid he’ll hurt the baby if we do any of this. I’m not even showing that much, he doesn’t need to worry as much as he does. It’s not like we do really crazy things that can really harm me, and the things we do we know how to do safely. 

I’ll probably write another post to update how things are going. I’m going to try and talk to him tonight at work, if I don’t pass out as soon as we get home.