Baby Fever

Baby Fever

     I’ve honestly had baby fever for the last three years, ever since my first miscarriage. This second time… It really hasn’t helped at all, every time I see a child I just picture that being me with my baby… I feel a stabbing pain in my chest, I feel empty, like a failure…

     I feel as if I was meant to be a mother, I feel it with every fiber of my being. My body doesn’t agree with me though, refusing to carry my child to full term, not getting pregnant. Even though I haven’t used a condom in forever, like seriously? People get pregnant while using condoms and birth control, how could my body be so stubborn?

     I’m also very conflicted about having a child right now… We aren’t exactly in the most ideal situation right now, we both hate our jobs, we don’t have a car, or a license, we don’t have our own home. We live with J’s family, they give us rides to and from work, and when they can’t we take a Uber. The other thing is though… I have a limited time to get pregnant, My doctor has told me I don’t have long to get pregnant, because I have a double mutation in my gene’s, and most people with this, if they do get pregnant, their child usually has some kind of birth defect.

     I know that it’s self-fish to try to get pregnant, especially knowing all the risk of my future child, and the risk for me. Also with our current spot in life, but what if I lose my chance to get pregnant? I do have a small chance of having a child with no birth defect, of being completely healthy like any other person… I want this so badly… I always wanted to be a mother, how is it fair that I get the bad deal of gene’s and it’s next to impossible? There are people who hate kids that can, and do, get pregnant!

     Things are getting a lot better between my fiance and I again, which is good, we want to bring our child into our relationship when things are good. We want them to have a good life, the best we can possibly give them. That might sound wrong, since things aren’t great financially or living situation, but at least they would have a roof over their head, people who would love them… It’s just, there’s a small window, and there’s never the perfect time, some are just better than others. We’ll get there, whether it’s before or after the baby is born. Well, that’s assuming that I can / do get pregnant.

     I want to talk to my fiance about this, but I feel like I’ve already said everything there is to say about it already. There’s no new thoughts then there already was, and I’m very sure he’s tired of hearing the same things over and over again. I know he’ll listen without complaining, and he’ll be supportive, I just feel bad saying the same things over and over again. Especially since I’m sure he’s getting frustrated as well, he seems disappointed every time that stupid pregnancy test says “not pregnant”. I almost cried last time it said that, I can’t tell you if it was because of frustration or sadness though. I feel as if I’m losing hope of ever getting pregnant… How do people do this for  years without breaking? It’s only been a few months and I feel like I’m going to..

     I get so fucking upset when people talk about their children, grandchildren, sibblings, or nieces / nefews. I just get so jealous, these people had their kids. Their having kids, and here I am, trying so hard, and it’s not happening. Why can’t just wanting it hard enuogh make it happen? If only the worlds was like that, but sadly it’s not…

     Sorry for this rant / depressing post, just really hasn’t been much else on my mind…



How is it that there’s a bunch of girls I went to middle and high school with that are pregnant and/or just had a kid? Half of them don’t even want the baby and are angry they they’re pregnant. God, I want a baby, I want my baby that I lost… I loved my little shit with all my heart, why did my body fail me and the baby? 

I just look at all these girls pictures of their babies, their ultrasounds, the post about it all… I just get filled with this extreme jealously, they have their kid… They’re having their kid… Why did this have to happen to me? I’m happy for them, I really am, I’m just upset that I’m not having mine… 

Also at work, a bunch of women bring their children up to the deli. Some even let their kid say the other and they ask for a slice of cheese.  It’s just so cute! My heart melts, but it also drops to my stomach because I just think. The baby I just spent the last 4 months making in my body just died, j and I aren’t having our little angel… 

It hurts so much and I just keep seeing all these babies and young children, even some pregnant girls. I feel so bad that I’m jealous of them, it’s a very happy time for them. Well, except for the few that are angry about being pregnant. 

Sorry for the rant, J hasn’t really talked to me much about it all, just said he’s upset and wants to try again after I have time to let my body repair itself or whatever.  

Things I Wish my Mother did when I self harmed and was anorexic 

Things I Wish my Mother did when I self harmed and was anorexic 

I was a very mentally ill teenager, and my home life, along with school life, didn’t help. At home my parents fought all the time, along with my father being a drug addict and drunk. At school, I was bullied by friends and random classmates. I was never really happy until my mother moved us to MD into my aunt’s house. 

I stopped eating around 7th or 8th grade, and when I did eat it was barely anything at all. I never thought I was fat, that wasn’t my problem, I knew I was way to skinny. I just needed the control it gave me, also I had a huge problem with textures of food, which I recently learned is common with autsim. I lost a lot of weight, I always felt like shit, which I’m sure contributed to my depression and anxiety. Luckily I was hospitalized the summer between my junior and senior year in highschool,before it got to bad and killed me. I’m very thankful that my mom did finally do something about it, I’m a lot happier. 

In 6th grade up until my junior year in high school I would cut myself. From 6th grade til 10th grade I would cut myself every single chance I got. My left arm would be so cut up that it barely looked like an arm. When I ran out of space there I’d start cutting my stomach, thighs, hips, anywhere. My arm is scared, along with my hips and thighs, luckily my stomach didn’t scare. Oh I also cut my breast a few times, I have maybe three scars from that. Around 11th grade the cutting was a lot less frequently, since I was almost found out by people at school, I tried to do as little as possible, which lead to me stopping completely. It’s been almost two years since I cut myself.  

My mom, she always knew about the starving myself. She never did anything until the summer between my junior and senior year, just left it alone. She acted as if it wasn’t happening, she wasn’t even going to send me to the hospital at first. My therapist at the time though, he explained it all to her and she was finally convinced I needed help. I hated her a text first for sending me away, but I did thank her afterwards. I never even knew it was possible to have energy and be warm without being wrapped up in a heated blanket! I also met some amazing women while in the hospital, they helped alot along with the program and doctors. Not only did the hospital get me to a healthy weight, they taught me how to eat correctly and how to cope with my problems effectively. They also helped with what was left of my cutting problem, which was just as effective. I also learned how to deal with my sexual assault and miscarriage. 

The cutting? My mom caught me doing it multiple times, never really did anything but threaten me and take me out of school for a few days. I even got found out by teachers at school a few times, and I even told a teacher once. It didn’t do anything though, my mom would yell at me, make me stay home a few days, then act like it never happened. One time she got me a therapist for my cutting specifically, but I didn’t like the therapist so she never made me go again and didn’t get me a new one.

Until I was hospitalized, I never knew that she could’ve done more. After being hospitalized I learned a lot of things about myself and about what could’ve been done. 

I wish she would’ve been there for me more, I needed my mom. I wish that she would’ve left my dad a lot sooner, instead of having my two sisters, she never wanted to be a mom. She got pregnant by accident all three times, and she’s not very good at being a mom. She’s very selfish, sure she makes sure we’re fed and have clothes and a home. She’s not there for us emotionally though, it’s all about her. If we bring up how we feel, she automatically retorts with how hard her life has been and how she can’t do anything for us. 

Sometimes I just wanted her to hug me and watch a movie with me… Sometimes I just needed my mom to listen to me, but she wouldn’t do it. And I can’t stand it, I love her, but I can’t stand the kind of person she is. 

I also wish she hospitalized me a lot sooner, maybe I never would’ve gotten raped, maybe this would be my first pregnancy. Maybe I wouldn’t of lost the first baby… The first baby I lost because of my anorexia, I wasn’t eating right. If she would’ve had me hospitalized sooner, the cutting would’ve stopped sooner, I wouldn’t have these ugly scars I have now. Those are never going to go away… 

I wish that she would’ve talked to me, not yell. It never helped, she could’ve sat down with me, ask me about what was going on. She could’ve made me felt like I was being heard… She never did that, I needed that a lot. It helped alot when the doctors and other patients would listen to me. Why couldn’t my mom do that for me? I mean, it’s her job to do that!

She would never listen, she just made me feel guilty, made me hate myself more. She always said, hell she still says, that I’m the reason her life is a mess. It’s my fault my sister D is a whore and hits her, it’s my fault my other sister A is so sensitive that if you just look at her a certain way she cries. She’s never made me feel good about myself, not even now. 

Like now she’s suspicious, she’s been asking about my last period and if there’s a possibility that I’m pregnant. Everytime that comes up, she starts to put me down.  “You won’t be a good mom”, “you’ll never be able to support a family”, “J will end up leaving you, you’re to lazy”, etc. Etc. Etc. 

I cannot stand it, especially when she does it in front of people. She recently got a boyfriend and she was doing it in front of him when I had just got home from work. I wanted to punch her so badly. I didn’t though, she’s my mother. Even if she’s not a good one, she still is, so I have to respect her to a certain degree. 

When I was starving myself she never even tried to make me eat. If I said I didn’t want dinner she would just walk away.. she would let me go to school without eating, without lunch or lunch money. She never tried, not until we lived with my aunt and there were people there judging her. That only lasted two years, then we moved. Luckily by then I was hospitalized and gotten better. I slipped up once though and she just allowed it to happen. J is the only reason I got back on track with my weight, if it wasn’t for him I’d probably be starving myself again. 

There’s a lot she could’ve done… And I know I can’t change the past, but sometimes I just wish she did things differently. I wish she would do differently now before my sisters D and A get themselves into troible.

worse 24 hours of my life

worse 24 hours of my life

     Worse 24 hours of my life, I swear to God. I felt like I was dying the entire time, and the worse part is it happened right after my first full shift working in the deli. I didn’t even think I was sick until the second time I vomited. I’ve been feeling nauseous and having some morning sickness for the past week, so the first time I vomited after work I thought it was just the morning sickness. Oh if only it was that, it was NOT morning sickness.

     I was vomiting all night yesterday, at least once every hour. While vomiting and for about two minutes afterwards I was so hot I felt like I was going to melt, then afterwords I was freezing and was shaking uncontrollably. Luckily the vomiting stopped after 5:30am. The rest of the day consisted of being too hot or two cold, with tons of body aches and pains. Oh I almost forgot, I also had some diarrhea and peed myself a few times while I was vomiting. Luckily I was in the bathroom when that happened and didn’t have to walk far to clean myself up. Also, the worse headache I’ve had in years. Which I still have at the moment, it starts at the bottom of my neck to all throughout my head.

     I felt like I was dying, and right now I just feel like my head is going to explode. It’s a really good thing I had yesterday and today off work. Would’ve hated to call off right after I just started working there, hopefully I’m feeling a lot better tomorrow. My poor fiance got sick also, but he only vomited twice. He mostly just had the aches and pains along with a headache. He had to call off work yesterday but he went in today. He felt a lot better this morning and didn’t have a fever.

     I haven’t really eaten much because I don’t think i can really handle all the much right now. So far I’ve eaten some gold fish, half of a grilled cheese sandwich, chicken noddle soup, and I’m currently eating mashed potatoes. I also drank two bottles of Gatorade, I’ve been drinking plenty of water along with the Gatorade. Hopefully what I’ve read is correct and that it’s to early for this to really affect the baby, I would never forgive myself if I hurt the baby. Though I really had no control over getting sick, but I probably could’ve done more to prevent it somehow.

     I just really hope that I never get this again. I don’t think I’d be able to handle it if I’m further along in the pregnancy, it was hard enough at only 7 weeks, can’t imagine being that sick at 20 something weeks. I’d probably want to die, joking of course.

Is My Autism Showing?

Is My Autism Showing?

This is something my family (my mom and sisters, not J) has really started joking about a lot lately. Especially since J and I have started making plans to move in together, they think I’ve been acting more autistic than usual. I don’t really know how, I haven’t noticed it at all. My mom and sisters though, they’ve noticed. My one sister D likes to say “hey N, your autism is showing” out of nowhere. wp-image-392511109jpg.jpg

The other day while J was at work I was looking at budgeting if I did get the job with him (which I did by the way!!!). I got really stressed and confused, trying to do it all by myself. I started doing a light rocking back and forward, I didn’t even realize that I was doing it if I’m being honest. My sister D though? She noticed right away.

“God why are you so autistic? Stop rocking, it’s annoying!” she yelled at me as soon as she sat down on the couch next to me. I don’t know why, by my heart sank and I just sat completely still for like twenty minutes. After that, I went in my room and got my little pink coin jar.

The jar is just a normal jar, but I ONLY put coins in it, I refuse to put anything else in the jar. Well, I started to stack pennies inside it, took me about an hour and a half. I cried a few times and had to start over, I finally got it though!!! Ever since then, my mother and sisters love to make fun of my autism. I know that’s just a joke to them, and they aren’t trying to be mean but it really makes me self cautious about everything I do.


I’m obsessively worrying about everything and talking in circles. My skin has been getting really sensitive and hurting a lot. Which is something that happens to autistic people, click here to learn more about it. Sometimes it hurts when J touches me, even if he’s just trying to kiss or hug me, my skin just hurts and I feel like there’s to much going on.

Another thing that’s really been acting up is to much sound, I can’t focus on talking that long. Sometimes, the sound from the TV is all a blur, other times all of J’s words get jumbled up in my head. I’ve also been doing that hand flapping thing that’s very common with autism, I don’t even realize I’m doing it until someone points it out.

I don’t know why I’ve been doing these things more often than before. Maybe it’s just the stress, I should probably go back to therapy. I’m starting to worry that my child is going to have problems like I do. I know there’s nothing that says it’s genetic, but what if it is? What if because of me my child has these problems and they get made fun of for it?

I can’t believe I’m so worried about this. My mother and sister needs to learn to keep their mouths shut, they’re just making me more nervous. That’s also probably why I’ve been doing these things a lot. I’m not usually one to act like this a lot, it’s usually just once in a while, but now it’s just all the time. I feel bad, I feel like I’m starting to get on everyone’s nerves, including J.

Plans, Plans, Plans

Plans, Plans, Plans

     Lots of things are being planned out!!! J and I talked a little bit, he’s calling the owners of the apartment we’re interested in tonight and making the appointment for Saturday. We’ve also decided we want to just go elope a few weeks after we move in together, we wont really have the money for a wedding and neither of us really feel like planning one. Another thing we’re sorta planning… Our honeymoon!!! So let’s talk about each in their own category!!!

The Apartment

     This we’ve been working on the plans for a while, but I’m excited about the final decisions! We’re defiantly making the appointment for this Saturday, that way my mother can come along with us. We want her opinion and help, which I think I mentioned in a earlier post.  I’ve also seen the outside of the apartment, it’s a nice looking house that’s been remade into apartments. I’d love to live there, just have to see the inside and then talk with J, my mother, and the owner before we make a decision.

     We’ve also decided on what we’re doing for furniture since we can’t really afford to spend a lot on it. Accounting for the things we already own we’ll have one twin bed, two TV’s, a bunch of plastic bins, a dresser, and some folding chairs. When my mom moves we’ll also have, a computer, a microwave, two more twin beds, a queen sized mattress, and possibly another dresser. We decided to use the folding chairs as a couch in the living room, and the twin bed as our bed until my mother moves. Once she moves we’re going to move the twin bed into the living room and use that as a couch, then the two twin beds and queen sized mattress and use that as a bed. We’re going to save up for a couch and eventually just put the twin bed away until our baby is big enough for a normal bed.

     Oh I almost forgot, my mother said that once we move she’s going to buy herself new plates and bowls and will give us the ones she has right now. So the only few things we’ll actually need to buy for the kitchen will be utensils and a few pots and pans. Also, J has this problem with sink water, it freaks him out. So he wants to buy a water filter and a container to keep water in the refrigerator.

Wedding or Elope

     This is something we haven’t fully decided on, it’s just something we’re thinking about. It’s still in the planning phase; I think we’re leaning more towards eloping though. We’re moving in together right after we each just got a job, and I’m currently pregnant, it’s not like we really have a lot of money to be spending.We already do a lot of things with my family, his family doesn’t really talk to each other all that much. So it’s just way more convenient to just elope, and a lot smarter when it comes to money.

     Neither of us really even want a bunch of people to be there when we get married. Especially my sister D, she causes a lot of problems and if we have a wedding and don’t invite her we’ll lose a lot of support from my family. We’ll probably just ask my aunt and grandmother to come with us to go elope. They’re the absolute best when it comes to helping us out, plus their way more supportive of everything I do.


    At first we just decided to just take off work a few days and just spend some quality time home alone together, but today J was doing some research during his lunch break. We only talked about it for about 25 minutes, but we’re thinking about going to Ocean City together for a few days. We wont be able to do it right away, we’ll probably just wait until around the time the baby is due or a little while after giving birth and just take her with. He’s hoping that his one friend and his fiance will be able to go with us and help out with the cost.

     I don’t like the beach all that much but he loves it there and it is a chance to actually go on vacation together. We haven’t really gone on vacation together before except when we went camping for three days after graduating from High School. He’s really excited about the possibility and it does kind of sound fun, so if we do have enough money and have a way to go there, I’ll defiantly do it.

The Baby

     We have already chosen names for the shit that we both love, the only thing we need to do about the names is choose a nickname. I’m so excited to meet the shit, I already love them with all my heart. I’ve already started talking to her, even though her ears have just started to develop. We’ve also decided before buying anything for the baby, we’re going to see if my aunt still has the pack and play and other baby stuff that she had for her foster son I talked about a few post ago. Anything sh doesn’t have that she can give us we’re going to look at the thrift store for.

     We’ve also decided that we’re gong to ask my aunt, grandmother, cousin, and dad to take turns babysitting the shit when I go back to work after giving birth. We both would feel way more comfortable if a family member would be with them instead of a stranger. J doesn’t really trust people, and neither do I, at least not with my baby. I barely trust my cousin, but I trust her more than a stranger.

Yesterdays Adventure

Yesterdays Adventure


     Yesterday I talked my mother into going hiking with my two sisters, J, and I. Looking back at all the rocks I had to climb, and the water when we went over to the waterfall, it probably wasn’t a good idea. I’m so freaking clumsy, I hit my head on a rock when J and I were exploring a small little cliff under the main cliff. I also almost fell at least twelve times, if not more.

     I enjoyed my time though, J and I did a lot of climbing and took a ton of pictures. We even climbed up to the top of the waterfall and sat next to it for a little bit. I absolutely love hiking and climbing, I’m really going to miss this when I’m too pregnant to take those risks. At least I’ll still be able to do normal hiking, just no more climbing cliffs and waterfalls.

     The waterfall was absolutely beautiful, so was the cliffs. Being around all the nature is so refreshing when there isn’t much around where you live. Especially if you grew up in the middle of nowhere, around woods and creeks. If I’m being honest, I really miss that part of living in PA. I feel more at home where I live now though, even if I’m not always around nature. This is where I met J, where I found out I’m autistic, where I found out I’m pregnant, this is where we came when we left my father. I feel safe here, it’s in a different state than my rapist. So this is my home, I’ll just have to deal with having to drive out to be around nature.

     I haven’t felt as good as I did yesterday. I haven’t been hiking at all since winter started, I seriously needed that exercise. Though now my knee is really bothering me like it does after I walk for to long, that something I should probably get looked at. J and I are defiantly going to go hiking a lot more often, it’s something we both enjoy that involves getting us out of the house. I also want to take our baby hiking, let the shit see the outside a lot, get them into hiking so they’ll enjoy it as they get older.

     We’ll have to bring the bird with from now on though, when it’s warm outside. My mom wouldn’t let me bring my bird with, cause she wasn’t sure if she would want to go to a store afterwords. I feel bad, cause it was really nice out yesterday and my bird really would’ve enjoyed it. That’s the whole reason I bought her a harness and leash, so I could take her hiking with us.