Frustration & confusion

Frustration & confusion

    J and I talk about it all the time yet I still can’t get over it. I’m missing being little and submissive again. He hasn’t been keeping up with it, I feel guilty for bringing it up. I know he’s told me before he’s not interested in it but I still want to do, hell, I need it. I need to be little and to be submissive, it’s a part of me, I crave it and it honestly affects my mood when I’m not.

    I know I might sound kind of like a child right now but honestly I just feel neglected. I’m always doing things to make him happy even if it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t enjoy it. He can barely ever tell that I’m just doing it for him, yet he doesn’t do the same for me, and he makes it obvious he’s not enjoying himself when he does do something for me. If I can do it for you why can’t you do it for me?

    The first few months of our relationship he was into it, I got into this relationship under the pretenses that he was into DD/LG & BDSM. It’s not like I want it to be 24/7, I just want it once in a while to satisfy me. Sometimes I just feel like I’m not good enough and I get really depressed. I just really want him to be in daddy space and not make me feel bad for it. I don’t understand why he’s changed his mind on it suddenly and acts like he was never into it. He used to get really into it, just one day he decided he didn’t.

    He claims he feels drained whenever he lets me be in little space and he participates. Thing is, he barely does anything, he mostly just watches me. That’s not what I need… I need him to be involved, I don’t know how to explain exactly what I want him to do, I just want / need it. I try so hard to be a good girl for him, and I’m just not getting what I need back. Now I love J, he’s my best friend and my husband. Sometimes though… When I’m feeling like this… I kind of wish I didn’t enter this relationship or that he was different. That might not be the right way to word it exactly, because I love him with all my heart and soul, I can’t picture my life without him. I just wish he was more involved, that he would try harder for me. I feel like he’s given up on trying to make me happy now that we’re married.

   I just… Sometimes I wonder if he doesn’t like it because he doesn’t know enough about it. He keeps saying something about feeling like he has to literally take care of me. I tried explaining it to him but I feel like I’m either not good at explaining it or he’s just not listening to me. If only he would do research on it so he could try to do something that would actually make me happy and cause a lot less friction between us. I mean, it’s the least he can do since he’s the reason we’re stuck living with his mother, which I hate with every fiber of my being. I tried sending him links to information on DD/LG & BDSM lifestyles but I know he didn’t actually read them because he couldn’t remember a single thing from those articles. It’s really not that hard to make me somewhat happy, I’m already miserable right now, why not do something simple like this to improve things for us?

   I kind of want him to read this post because I’ve noticed if it’s something I’ve written and / or shared with other people he’s more likely to do what I said. I don’t want to tell him to read it or send him a link to it though because I feel like he’ll probably feel like I’m trying to start a fight or something. I have done it a few times lately, but only because I’m miserable and he’s not making anything easy on me lately.

    I don’t know how I ended up being so deeply in love with someone who isn’t like me all that much. I’ve noticed since we’ve gotten married that we both have different needs when it comes to affection and validation. I’m very needy when it comes to both, whereas he doesn’t need it or seem to really want it. It really upsets me, especially when I’m feeling like this. I feel really hurt a lot lately, I kind of feel like he’s doing it all on purpose, which I’m sure is just me being a little over dramatic. Again, I would never leave him, I’m still happy being with him. It’s more of just we’re having trouble communicating on top of everything else at the moment. We were doing really good with communication for a long time but lately we’ve been having trouble with it for some reason. I have a slight feeling it might because I’m so wound up about the DD/LG \ BDSM & living situation that he’s just not listening because I’m so tense and been acting out because of it. I need to really work on that, it’s not helping our relationship at all and I don’t want to hurt our relationship.

   I want us to have a happy & healthy relationship, it’s just really hard when it feels like I’m the only one making compromises lately. Plus it just feels like he isn’t putting effort in us right now. He mentioned once that he just feels really comfortable with our relationship (though I don’t see how when we’re having all these problems right now), It’s not like I’m hiding all this from him, I’ve brought it up multiple times; he might just not realize how serious it is… I don’t know how to get it into his thick skull how serious it is though. I’ve tried a lot of different things and nothing seems to be working, not even trying to demand it, he doesn’t seem to take me seriously.

   I just want things to be better, I don’t like feeling like this. I can’t wait for us to have our own place. It’s hard to have serious discussions that are touchy subjects, I’m always worried his mom or brother is going to hear us and I really hate it when they know what’s going on. I don’t hate them, I just can’t stand living with them. I just need my own space with J but we can’t do that until he has his license, even though he drives without it, his brother wont let him take the care until he has it. He just needs to finish his drive times with driving school before he can actually get his license. I honestly don’t care if we have to get an apartment, I don’t want to live here anymore. I’ve told him that too, I’m not waiting until we can get a mobile home (assuming that I can’t get a loan or something) I’m just waiting until he has his license then we’re out of here.

Advertisements
What The Actual Fuck?

What The Actual Fuck?

      So today I got a very interesting message from someone I didn’t think I would ever hear from again. It’s been like maybe, two years? Since I’ve talked to my rapist. He was my absolute best friend before he raped me. He basically lived with my family and I before we left my dad and moved to MD.

     Weird thing is last night I had a weird dream that my husband left me for one of my past friends in PA. While he was in PA in my dream my rapist showed up at my front door begging me to be his girlfriend. Really weird, I was crying telling him to go away, hit him, felt bad for hitting him, then got mad at myself for feeling bad. I ended up hiding underneath my bed in my dream before waking up.

     I didn’t think much of the dream at the moment, dreams are weird, you can’t control them and a lot of the time it’s just random things happening. Though thinking back on it it’s pretty freaking weird, especially since I haven’t dreamt about my rapist in at least a year if not longer.

     Well today at work I got on my phone on my second 15 minute break and I had a friend request on Facebook, along with a message. Basically he was telling me that I was the best friend he ever had and he missed me and wants to try to reconnect in some way…

     Is this a fucking joke? Like you raped me while I was sleeping, you were supposed to be my best friend, but you betrayed me in the worse way possible. Like he never even acknowledge that he did something wrong before I stopped talking to him years ago after it happened (I did keep talking to him for a short while afterwords).

    Well today I went along with his talking and he basically “apologized” and said he somewhat understood what I’m going through. Also while talking he made it sem like what he did is the reason my life is better today and why his life really sucks now…

     Am I supposed to feel sorry for you or something? Just because my life isn’t complete shit and I’m not a loser like you doesn’t mean my life is good, and even if it’ is it has nothing to do with my rape! I have learned to cope with it! I’m not over it in any way possible. I still have fears when it comes to having sex and I feel very guilty about that, even though it wasn’t my fault at all!

    I just can’t believe that he had the guts to message me, let alone make it seem like I ruined his life. The worse part is that I have him blocked on Facebook, so this means he made a  whole new profile just so he could message me. What even possessed him to do all this out of nowhere??? Makes absolutely no sense once so ever!

Thoughts On Our Future

Thoughts On Our Future

     Work doesn’t require me to do a lot of thinking so I kind of just go off into my own world. I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that I’ll most likely never be a mother and what that would do to J and my lives later on. Our entire relationship we’ve always talked about having kids one day, and as you guys know we were almost successful before. The thing is, now I have more information so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be trying to have kids ever again. Who knows though, maybe when we’re older they will have something that could help with my double mutation.

      We’ve talked a little bit about other options, like adopting, foster care, maybe a surrogate (we got rid of that idea real fast after reading some things about that option though). We’re pretty young so maybe our minds will change in a few years, but as of now we don’t want to adopt or do foster care. I’m honestly not even sure if we’d get approved for foster care since we both have a documented history of mental illness along with my aspergers. Maybe things will change in a few years, but that’s out decision at the moment.

      So as of right now since things look like we aren’t having kids, how do we see our lives going? Well lets talk about some of the bases, we are saving up for a mobile home; that’s kinda been the plan since the beginning but we have briefly talked about getting a house before. After getting our own mobil home we’re going to get some pets of our own, a few dogs and maybe a cat or two. I know for a fact we’re going to get a black lab, I grew up with one and it was the most sweet & loving dog I’ve ever met and I just love the breed. We might get a husky or a pug, we haven’t really decided, I defiantly want a maincoon (a type of cat that gets really big). I’m thinking about getting a turtle or fish- J has been talking about parrot fish a lot lately and I think I want to surprise him with one when we get our own place.

      I want to get at least a two bedroom mobil home, that way if we decide to have kids we wont have to find a new place, there’s already a room available. Until we have kids, or if we stick with the not having any, the second room will be a guest room. It’ll be used for our future nieces and nephews, and my little sister A (since she’s only 11 right now).

      One upside to no kids? We’ll be able to have sex where ever we want in the house. Plus I wont have to worry about J stopping the DD/LG play if we don’t have kids. Once we have our own home I’m going to try to get J to try some new BDSM stuff we haven’t tried before, or just haven’t done since we stayed in a hotel for a few days a year ago. I really want to try “humiliation” punishments once we have our own place (I’m going to bring it up on our honeymoon and possibly try it then). I’m also thinking, since we wont have kids we’ll be able to do more things together & have more money. Once J finishes paying off his debt (almost there btw!) and we live on our own we can basically do whatever we want. We’ll be able to go away on weekends (camping!) or just walk around the house naked / have sex anywhere (he can bend me over the kitchen counter and fuck me whenever he wants!).

      I’m still really upset about not being able to have kids, but at least it’s not all bad. I prefer to have kids to all this, but since it’s not really in our cards, mine as well look at the bright side.

I May Never Get Pregnant Or Carry Full-Term

I May Never Get Pregnant Or Carry Full-Term

    I’ve only ever did light reading on my double MTHFR mutation, I’ve never really read a lot about it. My mom read a lot more than I did, I really wish that I did read more… I read that it can be difficult to ever get pregnant, and if you do happen to get pregnant it’s basically guaranteed your baby will have a birth defect..

      That’s with just one MTHFR gene, I have two. So I mentioned it to my mom the other day when I saw her.. Apparently it’s next to impossible to become pregnant, and if you do get pregnant you’re most likely to have a miscarriage. Let’s say that I do get pregnant, and carry full-term; There’s no way that they’ll be born without a birth defect. If I do have a child I’m going to be giving them a life that is going to be super hard for them…. Or they’ll suffer for a few week, months, or even a few years before they die…

       Am I making the right decision trying to get pregnant? I didn’t know all this before, but now I have the information… Is it really the right thing to do? To try to get pregnant, knowing what I could be doing to our future children… I keep wondering if the baby I was pregnant with was suffering inside me, I mean I never got an ultrasound or anything, so no one ever seen it… For all I know it could’ve been in pain, I was 4 or 5 months along can’t the baby start feelings things around then? I mean I felt the baby moving around inside me for a sort while.

       I’m honestly upset about this, that’s something I’ve always wanted to have a family, have my own children…. J says he doesn’t care if we have kids or not, but he’s so good with kids and he always pretends my cousin and my sister are his kids, that’s how he’s so good with them. Kids, that’s something that’s been in J and my plans since we’ve started dating; especially since we’ve gotten engaged and the closer we get to our marriage.

Something that still really bothers me is all the people I went to school with that are already pregnant or already parents. A few of them are even younger than me and are getting pregnant and having babies. I understand that mistakes happen, and sometimes afterwards it turns out to be the best mistake of your life… But barely any of them are prepared; I’m more prepared and ready than them but yet I probably will never be able to get pregnant.. Sometimes the world really sucks and is extremely unfair. Guess I’ll just have to suck it up and deal with it..

      I haven’t told J all this yet, all I’ve told him is what I’ve decided. I’ve decided that I don’t want to adopt, don’t want to do foster care, and absolutely don’t ‘want to do surrogate. All of that is so unreliable and cost so much, I rather just not have kids than have to go through that.  There’s always pets, it wont be the same as kids, but it’s the best I could do if I don’t get pregnant and have a baby..

My DD/LG Relationship

My DD/LG Relationship

      I love being little more than anything, but it’s hard to be little when when J isn’t in a daddy mood. I love how it feels when I’m in little space and J is actually in a daddy mood and treats me like his baby girl. I love being his kitten more than anything, how gentle and sweet he can be…

        I miss the feeling of him being daddyish, he hasn’t really been into it for a long time. Recently he has been though sad thing is, I got an ear infection and I’m just miserable. I’ve been getting very grumpy easily and I’ve been getting snippy. Usually I would want him to punish me for being grumpy and snippy but I’m in so much pain that I’m happy he’s letting it slide.

      I really hope that once my ear infection is gone he’ll keep being in a daddy mood. I’ve missed my daddy, and I feel so little lately. Why must the world hate me and give me an ear infection right when he starts waning to be daddy? Ugh

A Letter To My Sister D

A Letter To My Sister D

      You are the most ungrateful person I’ve ever met. Everyone in our family has done everything they can for you, we’ve been there for you no matter what. You’ve never even cared though all you care about is yourself. Mom may really suck, but she’s been there for you, she’s given you more than she’s ever given me. Dad only recently started being there for you, and he doesn’t really care; he’s just trying to prove people wrong.

      You’re such a smart and beautiful girl, I love you so much. Even though I can’t stand you; you’re my little sister and I love you. Ever since you were little you want to be a lawyer but ever since 8th grade you’ve just stopped doing school work and failing. I still can’t believe that they’ve let you move up to high school and now you’re a sophomore in high school.

      You used to be such a nice girl, what happened to you? Now you’re mean and hateful. You hit your mom and sisters. You have sex with guys over 18, post nudes, doing drugs (don’t act like I don’t know, you don’t have that instagram account on private!), you act all grown. You’re literally 15 D, what happened to you? I can’t stand you anymore, I want to scream and shake you.

      You need some sense knocked into. Do you realize what you’re doing is going to affect your future? Your life barely even started and you’re already destroying it. It makes me so angry to see people do this to themselves, you’re following dads example. You’re so stupid, just thought you should know this. Love you.

A Letter To My Father

A Letter To My Father

      I’m going to start off this by letting you know you’ve been a really big loser for the last 8 or 9 years. You were a good dad before the drugs and everything, and I do see your progress, you’re trying really hard. I know it’s always been hard for you to show your interest and to care about other people, you’re diagnosed with bipolar, a sociopath (AKA antisocial personality disorder), narcissist.

        There’s only a few things I still can’t stand about you. I’m so proud of you for doing so well lately, not doing drugs, trying to show interest in my sisters and my life, taking my one sister in your home when mom can’t do the right thing for her. Though I can’t stand that you take every chance you get to trash talk mom, don’t you realize that you were abusive to her my entire life? Sure she’s kind of bitch, but you’re no better.

      Even with all the bad things in the past you’re probably my favorite parent. Even though you weren’t there for me most of my life, you’re here now and you don’t judge me like mom always have. You believe in me, you want my life to go the way I want it to, you don’t try to set up a timeline for my life like mom tries to.

       Remember when I was younger, before you started doing drugs and everything? I was such a daddy’s girl, I got all excited whenever you would come home from work. Sometimes mom would take me to your work site during your lunch when you used to put insolation in houses. I hated when you did drugs and wouldn’t show any interest in me or my sisters.