What The Hell

What The Hell

     It’s been close to 6 months, maybe a little over 6 months? Since I’ve had my miscarriage, I was just starting to finally move on from it, haven’t talked about it in weeks. Then yesterday at work, five separate people (who all work there but I’ve never talked to, they work in different departments) came up to me and asked me if I had my baby yet… Like it’s been 6 months, I never got big, I never missed weeks of work.

     One thing, actually two things, that really bothered me about it is that the first person to ask me was after I was there for only 10 minutes. I was working with a customer and this cashier comes up to me and goes “Hi Natalie! Have you had that baby yet?” I literally teared up and told them I had a miscarriage like 6 months ago. They looked nervous, apologized and walked away, the customer looked at me and told me that it ruined her day that they just asked me that. The second thing that bothered me? The third, maybe fourth person who asked me, after I told her I had a miscarriage, she said “oh… So they weren’t lying..” apologized, than walked away.

     Were they talking about me and my dead baby? That doesn’t even make sense, I literally only talk to a few people who work in the deli! How would they even know I was pregnant, I never showed, and it’s been 6 months! Like I said before, I never missed multiple weeks of work. They had to of known that I miscarried, it had to be just to mess with me. Sounds paranoid, I know, but this place is truly awful, I really wouldn’t put it past them.

     Am I Just not allowed to move on from this? I’m tired of feeling this empty spot in my chest… I’m supposed to be happy and excited, I’m getting married in October!!! This shouldn’t be on my mind right now; I just bought my wedding dress, I’m looking for shoes, trying to decide what to do with my hair for my wedding. Now I’m having extreme anxiety and sadness over this. I’ll get over it eventually, hopefully before the wedding and honeymoon.

The Lack Of Dominance

The Lack Of Dominance

     Dominance is something I crave very strongly. I love when I’m being dominated, as I’m sure you all know from some of my past post. Well J doesn’t do it that often because he’s not into dominance outside of sex. Frankly he thinks it’s weird to bring it out of sex, which is why I don’t do much of the DD/LG; because that’s just not something he’s interested in. It’s very irritating because I need to be dominated in a nonsexual way sometimes, it helps bring down my anxiety, which I really need right now with the problems at my current job and the slight trouble I’m having with finding a new job.

     sometimes I find it hard to take him seriously because he doesn’t ever seem to want to take control. Plus I just feel kinda ignored when it comes to some of my wants/needs. I do a lot of what he wants; sometimes I wonder if  he’s right when he asks if I think we’re compatible, but when I look at him and we talk I know he’s the one. Even when I don’t get the full BDSM experience I want. It’s just really frustrating right now because of everything going on in my work life and because I for once enjoy sex and feel comfortable and I”m not getting the things I really want to do. I know that sounds kinda bratty, but I don’t mean it in that way, just don’t know how to word it.

      I don’t know how to really explain to him that BDSM is sometimes more than just sex. Maybe there’s no way to get him to understand, he seems very sure of it, that it’s weird to take it out of sex. It’s kinda funny to listen to him talk about it because I think the opposite of a lot of the things he says. I love him, and I love his though process. BDSM isn’t a mandatory thing for me, it’s just… I don’t know, sometimes I wish I could get more from there…

     I’ve tried multiple times to bring it up in many different ways, I even want as far as to “mention” something I “read” that I wanted to just “discuss”. I was very…. disappointed with the results from that. He was absolutely not into the idea and made it very clear. I mean I wasn’t fully into the thing I brought up, I was just mildly interested in it. I just wish he was less judgemental of these things because I’m very open to them, and a lot of it kinda turns me on.

     I love him though, and the sex is good, even when it’s not fully what I want. I want to marry him that’s for sure. I really can’t wait for October…. Well my rant is over, have a wonderful day guys!!!

Trying To Conceive

Trying To Conceive

     As everyone here knows J and I have been trying for months to get pregnant. I’m getting really frustrated, and I think J is getting slightly frustrated about it also. I’m just starting to feel really discouraged; it feels like I can’t get pregnant and even if I was able to again I feel as if all it’ll ever end in is a miscarriage. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal to me, it’s not like I’m old or anything, I’m only 19… It’s just, feels…. I don’t even know to be honest.

     It’s just frustrated, I went to three seperate high schools, so I know a lot of people, weather I’m friends with them or not doesn’t really make a difference. I’m friends with most of them on facebook and I follow a few of them on instagram. Let me tell you, it’s so irritating, a few of the people got engaged and married after I’ve gotten engaged, A LOT has gotten pregnant, and/or had a baby already. I’ve been engaged for over a year and yet I’m still not married, I live with my fiance’s family. I fucking live with his family, they live on their own. Some even with children.

      I know it’s bad to compare your situations to others, but it’s frustrating, cause I just want this so badly and I’ve been trying so very hard to get these things. I make it very clear with J that I want these things and he says he wants these things also. Though I’m not so sure he wants us to live on our own. The other week  J had a conversation with his mother without even talking to me first. Apparently his mother and him decided that if we stay living here until she dies we can have the place. I thought both J and I have decided that we wanted to buy a house together one day, most likely a town house but still.

     I don’t understand how some of them can even afford what they have. I know a single mom I went to high school with that owns her own house and she just works at a daycare. Especially since she just works at her friends daycare in their house, so how can she afford a house, a car, and a 4 year old? Like what the hell?

     Sorry for ranting, I’m just beyond frustrated and jealous right now. Plus J and I don’t even have sex all that often anymore, we had sex twice last week. I ask for it all the time, but he’s barely ever in the mood anymore, he’s always so tired after work. It doesn’t bother me normally but we’re trying to get pregnant.

Fuck My Current Job

Fuck My Current Job

     So I’m beyond pissed off at Wal-Mart right now. So Saturday they had me close, then had me come in at 9AM yesterday so I can train the new person. That person was litteraly the worse I’ve ever met, first off everyone knows that the manager changed my schedule so I specfically am the person who is training them, and they knew that. The entire time I’m training them on the slicers they were saying I’m lying and that I don’t know what I’m doing! I barely got any sleep Sunday night, didn’t get home until 11:30, had to shower and eat, probably ot to bed around 1:30/2AM.

     So yesterday I was supposed to be going home AT 6PM!!! Guess what happened, the one other person who was at work left for their lunch at 5, the idiot decided to leave the store for their lunch and their car stalled, so they weren’t back at 6. The other person who was supposed to come in a 6 never fucking showed up, didn’t even call out or anything. by 6:05 J was standing near the Deli asking what the hell is going on so I asked him to go get a manager for me, a manager did come back. First they asked me to stay late, until the person on lunch got his car fixed and came back. I told her I didn’t really want to, I told her that I closed last night and I’m ready to go home. She looked me dead in the eyes and said “if you leave you don’t have a job here anymore” then left me there.

     I stayed for 33 minutes before J’s mom came in and started yelling and made me leave. I found the manager that hired me and told her what happened. I left but while walking out of the store she was yelling into her ear piece about it. So hopefully the manager that threatened me gets into trouble. I’m praying I get a call back soon, I really can’t go back there. I’m tired of Wal-Mart, I’m beyond sick of it. That was the last straw, if I wasn’t afraid of not having a job I would just quit and not working until I find a new one. I have no idea how long it would take to find a new job and if I’m prenant or get pregnant I can’t afford to not have a job. I’ll just have to wait until I find a new job and know for sure I have the job. I’m going to have to suck it up and go there, but I’m really not doing anything extra anymore and I’m not training people and I’m calling out when I don’t feel like going in, I’m tired of this shit.

Today’s Thoughts

Today’s Thoughts

     The interview went pretty well, I think. They said that they’ll call me back this week when the hiring manager is there, and that I seem like I’m a very friendly person and hope to see me again. I can’t tell if she was saying that because they want to hire me or because they didn’t want to hurt my feelings, I’m going to stay hopeful though! I really don’t want to go back to Wal-Mart… Chick-fil-a was my very first choice so I’m really excited, and I really hope that I got it, I looked them in the eyes, talked to them, told them about what I do at my current job and what I did at my old job. She seemed to like me so hopefully They hire me, I’m very motivated for this job and I plan to work there for a while, I hear it’s a good place to work and I like working in fast food a lot more than I do at Wal-Mart.

     J and I both kinda have baby fever, his is obviously not as strong as mine, but he has it. The other day he sent me a video he was watching of a baby getting excited over a cat. We talked a little bit about what’s gonna happen when we have a baby and when I’m pregnant. We even decided on a new nickname for the baby until we find out what sex the baby is; the nickname is going to be little creature. I’m really hoping this time it works out, I want us to start a family, so does J; at least he says he does.

     I’m having these cravings, all I want to eat is french toast, mashed potatoes, and my moose tracks ice cream. I also kinda want to have cheese pizza, maybe a cheeseburger. I think the french toast and the ice cream is at the top of my list. I don’t even know why I want it so bad, but I feel like I could just eat a whole loaf of breads worth of french toast. I also feel like I could eat the whole carton of the moose tracks ice cream. I don’t usually crave foods like this, so it’s kinda weird, who knows; maybe I’m pregnant? Who knows.

     J and I are doing a little more of the BDSM like I wanted, it’s pretty amazing. I love it when he actually gets in dom/daddy space, it’s amazing and fucking sexy. The other day when I came home he made me get on my knees and give him a blow job while looking up at him. It was literally the sexiest thing he’s ever made me do, I hate giving blow jobs but when he made me do it, I liked it a lot. Then he fucked me while choking me among other things. I loved it, I’m really hoping that it continues.

     Last week J and I went to the zoo with my mom and my youngest sister A. It was absolutely amazing, they had so many birds! I love birds with all my heart, and I even found a cute macaw stuffed animal in the gift shop that I bought. It looked exactly like the one macaw they had, I fell in love with it. There was a really sweet cockatoo there that gave me kisses and kept saying hello to me and let me pet it. They also had a donkey there that cried if you walked away after petting it, and a bear sitting in a tub, and the wolves started howling out of nowhere.

     Also my mother, God I can’t stand her. She took me off her health insurance, and told me I had to reapply, which I understand, but the thing is… I asked for help multiple times, and she keeps saying she’s to busy to help me. Well yesterday, I had a break down because of it. She called me early in the morning and told me I needed to get it done, and was being really mean to me because I didn’t have it done yet, I asked for help and she told me she was busy. So I asked my aunt to help me when she comes home from her vacation. Today she called me asking why didn’t I just let my mom help me yesterday. Turns out she called my mom asking her why I didn’t ask her, my mom told her she offered to help me yesterday; she didn’t offer me help anymore, just told me I have to get it done then hung up on me. Now my aunt thinks I’m a liar, I don’t understand why anyone listens to her she lies all the time.

Job Interview Today!!!

Job Interview Today!!!

     I’m so excited! I finally got a job interview! I’m really hoping it goes well and I get the job so I don’t have to go back to Wal-Mart Saturday. I’m really sick of that job, they switched my schedule for yesteday because they didn’t have anyone scheduled from 4PM to 6PM and didn’t even ask or tell me. I was beyond pissed off when I found out, I was in the Deli for two hours all by myself. Well not really by myself the new manager was there, but she’s never worked in a Deli before so I had to do everything because she kept asking for help, even though I was already helping a customer. She wouldn’t even let me go on my 15 my entire shift and she tired to make me wait until the Deli closed to take my lunch and for me to just stay after my shift ended to clean the Deli. I said no and wen tto my lunch at 6 when the person who was scheduled with me finally came in. I can’t take it much longer, I’m done with this place.

     I’m extremely excited for my interview at 2:30, it’s at chick-fil-a and I’m really hoping for the job. I like working with registers, kinda miss it to be honest. Also I’ll always have Sunday off with J!

     I’m just excited, I’ll let you guys know how it went tomorrow!

Baby Baby Baby

Baby Baby Baby

     I’m so jealous, there’s this woman and her husband that’s been coming to my job since I started working there. She’s been pregnant the entire time, and yesterday she came in and SHE HAD THE BABY!!! It was so cute, and I just keep thinking, if I didn’t lose the baby I would be having the baby sometime soon. I can’t help but feel jealous that she’s had her baby and I haven’t and that I’m not pregnant again yet. I’m still not even having regular periods since.

     All that’s in my mind is “baby baby baby, pregnant pregnant pregnant” and so on and so forth. J and I had a really good conversation about what we want for our baby and how we want to parent our baby. I’m very excited for it all to happen, for the pregnancy, the birth, the baby growing up into an adult.

     Though one thing is kinda bothering me is that I’m afraid I’ll never be able to get pregnant and carry to full term. I really want to have a family, I don’t want to have to adopt, I will if I have to… But I really want to be pregnant, I want to give birth… I want to start my family, build a family with J… Hopefully I’ll be able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. Who knows, maybe it’ll happen once I stop worrying about it.