Here it comes again at full speed, baby fever. I haven’t had it that much in the last few weeks, maybe month or so. Probably because I’ve been distracted by trying to find a new job (and still am) and the problems between J and I. Since yesterday though, all I keep thinking about it babies and starting a family with J.
Things have been good between J and I again, I think I’m getting closer to finding a new job, and I have plans to spend time with my aunt and J sometime soon! I’m just in an overall good mood the last few days, and yesterday I saw some pictures of a few people I went to school with their baby bumps. That’s most likely what triggered my baby fever again. Plus J and I had sex recently and didn’t use a condom, I don’t think we’re really trying anymore, we’re just not doing anything to prevent it.
Obviously things aren’t the best, we live with his mother and I’m at a stressful job and desperately trying to find a new one, J doesn’t have his license yet (he’s been driving and is going to get it in a few months after his birthday!). Thing is, we both want a baby and I guess we don’t really care since we were already prepared before when we had nothing. Even though we aren’t fully ready, we’re defiantly more ready than some other people; and we both want to be parents.
I honestly don’t know where I’m really going with this right now, mostly just rambling on my thoughts about how I would feel if I was to get pregnant right now. A few post ago I wasn’t to thrilled when I thoughts I was pregnant, but right now it would be pretty awesome. I mean I’d be excited no matter when it happens, it’s just sometimes I want it more than other times.
All I keep thinking about is a little baby that looks like J and/or I. Everytime I picture it my heart melts and my ovaries start to scream “AHHHH!!! SO CUTE!!!! NEED THIS!!!” whenever I tell J this he laughs. My baby fever has gotten so intense in so fast that I’ve been (IN MY HEAD, HAVEN’T TOLD ANYONE THIS!!!!) pretending I’m pregnant, feeling my best and all that. I only do it when I’m by myself, not even in front of J. I keep hoping that I am pregnant, but I don’t think it’s gonna happen anytime soon. I mean, if you count when I was pregnant for that short time up to now, we’ve been trying on and off again for about 9 months. We only used condoms a handful of times, and usually didn’t even use the condom all the way through. So how is it that I’m still not pregnant? I just don’t understand.
I don’t even know how to really bring it up to J, I told him I have baby fever again. I just haven’t really talked to him about the lengths. I kinda feel like it’s pointless to have a full on discussion about it when first off he can’t really do anything about it plus it’ll probably go away in a few days or weeks. I really hope to be pregnant sometime soon; I’m really excited about starting a family with J and I don’t know… I’ve always wanted to be a mom and the miscarriages really made me feel crappy about myself. Plus I just really want to create a life with the man I love and to help teach a person what life is and watch them grow into the person they’re meant to be.
I get so jealous when I see my old classmates post about their pregnancy or about their babies… Like why did I have to miscarry? Twice? I know the first time was possibly a good thing since it was from rape and who knows if J and I would’ve ended up together if I did have the baby… But… It still hurts, I loved that baby as much as I love ours, but things happen for a reason, I think. Plus just seeing the emotions and body changes they’re going through.. I want that.. I want to feel the back pain, the nausea, the exhaustion. I want to feel the pain of giving birth to have our little bundle of joy placed in my arms. I want to see J be a father, I want to watch our child grow into an adult and have a happy life and start a family of their own.
It’ll happen one day… Soon hopefully, I’ll just keep hoping until I finally give birth to a healthy baby. I can’t wait to see how things turn out and to go through all the joy (and troubles) of being a parent.