What The Hell

What The Hell

     It’s been close to 6 months, maybe a little over 6 months? Since I’ve had my miscarriage, I was just starting to finally move on from it, haven’t talked about it in weeks. Then yesterday at work, five separate people (who all work there but I’ve never talked to, they work in different departments) came up to me and asked me if I had my baby yet… Like it’s been 6 months, I never got big, I never missed weeks of work.

     One thing, actually two things, that really bothered me about it is that the first person to ask me was after I was there for only 10 minutes. I was working with a customer and this cashier comes up to me and goes “Hi Natalie! Have you had that baby yet?” I literally teared up and told them I had a miscarriage like 6 months ago. They looked nervous, apologized and walked away, the customer looked at me and told me that it ruined her day that they just asked me that. The second thing that bothered me? The third, maybe fourth person who asked me, after I told her I had a miscarriage, she said “oh… So they weren’t lying..” apologized, than walked away.

     Were they talking about me and my dead baby? That doesn’t even make sense, I literally only talk to a few people who work in the deli! How would they even know I was pregnant, I never showed, and it’s been 6 months! Like I said before, I never missed multiple weeks of work. They had to of known that I miscarried, it had to be just to mess with me. Sounds paranoid, I know, but this place is truly awful, I really wouldn’t put it past them.

     Am I Just not allowed to move on from this? I’m tired of feeling this empty spot in my chest… I’m supposed to be happy and excited, I’m getting married in October!!! This shouldn’t be on my mind right now; I just bought my wedding dress, I’m looking for shoes, trying to decide what to do with my hair for my wedding. Now I’m having extreme anxiety and sadness over this. I’ll get over it eventually, hopefully before the wedding and honeymoon.

Trying To Conceive

Trying To Conceive

     As everyone here knows J and I have been trying for months to get pregnant. I’m getting really frustrated, and I think J is getting slightly frustrated about it also. I’m just starting to feel really discouraged; it feels like I can’t get pregnant and even if I was able to again I feel as if all it’ll ever end in is a miscarriage. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal to me, it’s not like I’m old or anything, I’m only 19… It’s just, feels…. I don’t even know to be honest.

     It’s just frustrated, I went to three seperate high schools, so I know a lot of people, weather I’m friends with them or not doesn’t really make a difference. I’m friends with most of them on facebook and I follow a few of them on instagram. Let me tell you, it’s so irritating, a few of the people got engaged and married after I’ve gotten engaged, A LOT has gotten pregnant, and/or had a baby already. I’ve been engaged for over a year and yet I’m still not married, I live with my fiance’s family. I fucking live with his family, they live on their own. Some even with children.

      I know it’s bad to compare your situations to others, but it’s frustrating, cause I just want this so badly and I’ve been trying so very hard to get these things. I make it very clear with J that I want these things and he says he wants these things also. Though I’m not so sure he wants us to live on our own. The other week  J had a conversation with his mother without even talking to me first. Apparently his mother and him decided that if we stay living here until she dies we can have the place. I thought both J and I have decided that we wanted to buy a house together one day, most likely a town house but still.

     I don’t understand how some of them can even afford what they have. I know a single mom I went to high school with that owns her own house and she just works at a daycare. Especially since she just works at her friends daycare in their house, so how can she afford a house, a car, and a 4 year old? Like what the hell?

     Sorry for ranting, I’m just beyond frustrated and jealous right now. Plus J and I don’t even have sex all that often anymore, we had sex twice last week. I ask for it all the time, but he’s barely ever in the mood anymore, he’s always so tired after work. It doesn’t bother me normally but we’re trying to get pregnant.

Baby Baby Baby

Baby Baby Baby

     I’m so jealous, there’s this woman and her husband that’s been coming to my job since I started working there. She’s been pregnant the entire time, and yesterday she came in and SHE HAD THE BABY!!! It was so cute, and I just keep thinking, if I didn’t lose the baby I would be having the baby sometime soon. I can’t help but feel jealous that she’s had her baby and I haven’t and that I’m not pregnant again yet. I’m still not even having regular periods since.

     All that’s in my mind is “baby baby baby, pregnant pregnant pregnant” and so on and so forth. J and I had a really good conversation about what we want for our baby and how we want to parent our baby. I’m very excited for it all to happen, for the pregnancy, the birth, the baby growing up into an adult.

     Though one thing is kinda bothering me is that I’m afraid I’ll never be able to get pregnant and carry to full term. I really want to have a family, I don’t want to have to adopt, I will if I have to… But I really want to be pregnant, I want to give birth… I want to start my family, build a family with J… Hopefully I’ll be able to get pregnant and have a healthy baby. Who knows, maybe it’ll happen once I stop worrying about it.

Our Relationship and Sex Life

Our Relationship and Sex Life

     Last night he actually tied me up really good and was rough with me. I absolutely loved it! Tonight we’re going to talk about more things I want him to do with BDSM and our relationship. I’m very excited, I wrote down everything I either want to try or do tings I want to do more of. Some of the things I don’t think he’ll actually do, but it doesn’t hurt to mention it. Here’s the list of things I wrote down:

  1. Sexual Torture
  2. Sexual Humilation
  3. Light Spankings (when people are home) Hard Spankings (when we’re home alone)
  4. “Rape”/Force
  5. More Choking/Breath Play
  6. More Rope Play
  7. More DD/LG (want you to be more daddyish)
  8. You Intiate Sex More Often
  9. Eat Me Out More / Do That Thing I Like More Often
  10. “Force” Me To Give You A Blow Job
  11. Try Role-Playing
  12. Outside Sex
  13. Subissive Training
  14. Sensation Play

     Some of the things I’ve written down him and I haven’t done together but I’ve done with a few of my ex’s and I really enjoyed it. I really want to do those things with him. Hopefully J is open minded about it and actually tries some of these things…

     I also wrote out some things I want to change in our relationship because things as you guys know haven’t been the best. The last few days things have been good and  really want it to stay going good, plus I want to do new things with him. We haven’t really done much together the last year, especially since he was gone for half the year.

  1. Do More Together (other than sex and video games)
  2. Have More Conversations
  3. Go On Walks
  4. Do Adventures Together Again
  5. Be More Honest To Each Other

     There’s more things I want changed but I can’t think of them, this was all I came up with. I’m hoping J comes up with things on his own because I really want him to put in effort of his own. Especially since we’re actually trying for a baby again, want things to be good between us like they used to be.

     Oh, yeah I kinda talked to him a little more about the baby fever and we decided to try again. Even though we weren’t really doing anything to prevent it before we’re having sex more, at least he said we would. I’m hoping it works this time cause I think we’re more prepared than last time.

My Baby Fever Is Back

My Baby Fever Is Back

     Here it comes again at full speed, baby fever. I haven’t had it that much in the last few weeks, maybe month or so. Probably because I’ve been distracted by trying to find a new job (and still am) and the problems between J and I. Since yesterday though, all I keep thinking about it babies and starting a family with J.

     Things have been good between J and I again, I think I’m getting closer to finding a new job, and I have plans to spend time with my aunt and J sometime soon! I’m just in an overall good mood the last few days, and yesterday I saw some pictures of a few people I went to school with their baby bumps. That’s most likely what triggered my baby fever again. Plus J and I had sex recently and didn’t use a condom, I don’t think we’re really trying anymore, we’re just not doing anything to prevent it.

     Obviously things aren’t the best, we live with his mother and I’m at a stressful job and desperately trying to find a new one, J doesn’t have his license yet (he’s been driving and is going to get it in a few months after his birthday!). Thing is, we both want a baby and I guess we don’t really care since we were already prepared before when we had nothing. Even though we aren’t fully ready, we’re defiantly more ready than some other people; and we both want to be parents.

     I honestly don’t know where I’m really going with this right now, mostly just rambling on my thoughts about how I would feel if I was to get pregnant right now. A few post ago I wasn’t to thrilled when I thoughts I was pregnant, but right now it would be pretty awesome. I mean I’d be excited no matter when it happens, it’s just sometimes I want it more than other times.

     All I keep thinking about is a little baby that looks like J and/or I. Everytime I picture it my heart melts and my ovaries start to scream “AHHHH!!! SO CUTE!!!! NEED THIS!!!” whenever I tell J this he laughs. My baby fever has gotten so intense in so fast that I’ve been (IN MY HEAD, HAVEN’T TOLD ANYONE THIS!!!!) pretending I’m pregnant, feeling my best and all that. I only do it when I’m by myself, not even in front of J. I keep hoping that I am pregnant, but I don’t think it’s gonna happen anytime soon. I mean, if you count when I was pregnant for that short time up to now, we’ve been trying on and off again for about 9 months. We only used condoms a handful of times, and usually didn’t even use the condom all the way through. So how is it that I’m still not pregnant? I just don’t understand.

     I don’t even know how to really bring it up to J, I told him I have baby fever again. I just haven’t really talked to him about the lengths. I kinda feel like it’s pointless to have a full on discussion about it when first off he can’t really do anything about it plus it’ll probably go away in a few days or weeks. I really hope to be pregnant sometime soon; I’m really excited about starting a family with J and I don’t know… I’ve always wanted to be a mom and the miscarriages really made me feel crappy about myself. Plus I just really want to create a life with the man I love and to help teach a person what life is and watch them grow into the person they’re meant to be.

      I get so jealous when I see my old classmates post about their pregnancy or about their babies… Like why did I have to miscarry? Twice? I know the first time was possibly a good thing since it was from rape and who knows if J and I would’ve ended up together if I did have the baby… But… It still hurts, I loved that baby as much as I love ours, but things happen for a reason, I think. Plus just seeing the emotions and body changes they’re going through.. I want that.. I want to feel the back pain, the nausea, the exhaustion. I want to feel the pain of giving birth to have our little bundle of joy placed in my arms. I want to see J be a father, I want to watch our child grow into an adult and have a happy life and start a family of their own.

     It’ll happen one day… Soon hopefully, I’ll just keep hoping until I finally give birth to a healthy baby. I can’t wait to see how things turn out and to go through all the joy (and troubles) of being a parent.

Relationship Problems

Relationship Problems

     So yesterday J and I got in a fight while texting when I was at work. I mean we’ve had that talk a few times, but last night I think we’ve finally worked it out. The only thing I’m not fully happy about is that he told his mother about the problems we were having. She talked to us in the car the entire way home about what you are and aren’t supposed to do in a relationship, I was very angry and irritated. Though some of her advice was helpful, for J and I hope that he listened.

      The thing is that… He just doesn’t seem very interested in me the last few months, and I can’t tell if it’s because he’s actually losing interest in me or if it’s just… He’s forgotten how to show his intrest. It’s really been bothering me a lot lately, I just feel really unloved lately and I hate it so much. I wouldn’t mind if like it’s like just one thing he’s lacking but it’s everything; he wont do anything romantic or sexual without me begging for it or unless I’ve been complaining about it a lot the last few days.

     Sometimes he acts as if I’m asking for too much, but ll I’m asking is that he shows interest in me. I’m not asking for him to do huge extravagant things, I’m asking for him to do things like ask about my day and listen to me, to maybe once in a while do something sweet because he just thought of me. The sex, god I would love if he initiated the sex once in a while, plus I wish that when he did initiate it that it would either be romantic or kinky, I don’t like in between, cause it just seems like he’s not into sex.

    I don’t know what to do, I’m afraid that he’s just going to end up leaving me… Or that this will just be a very loveless relationship from now on. Am I just being to sensitive? I don’t think I am.. I mean, he just wants to sit and play video games the last few months.. He doesn’t really want to tell me about his day, he doesn’t really seem interested in my day… He doesn’t see intrested in sex.. He just quickly does the things that he knows gets me off and then he’s just done…. He doesn’t take his time, he barely ever gets off himself, sometimes he doesn’t even let me finish! Last week I was on my stomach, so I couldn’t see him and when I noticed he was moving funny I looked back at him and he was fucking turned watching the TV!

Work Anxiety

Work Anxiety

     Anxiety is something I’ve had my entire life, it’s a part of my autism and my depression I struggle with time to time. I’ve been doing really good with it lately, I’ve even been able to order my own food at places, go out by myself, and stuff like that. Yesterday though… I had to call off work because my anxiety was so bad I was almost throwing up and having trouble with breathing. I’ve never had that problem with jobs before, not when I worked in my high schools pre-school, not when I was babysitting, not at McDonald’s…. Only at Wal-Mart.

     Wal-Mart is terrible, things have gotten so bad at work I get physically ill knowing I have to go there again. I’m actually currently feeling that way, I have to be at work at 2PM til 11PM. I’m not going to call out again though because it’s closing hours and it’s just supposed to be me and one other person, I can’t leave them alone during those hours cause we wont be able to get everything clean together, he defiantly wouldn’t be able to do it alone. I can’t be that much of a bitch yet, not until I have a new job.

     The only thing keeping me going is the thought that I’ll have a new job soon. I’ve applied everywhere nearby, and tomorrow when J gets home from work we’re going to KFC so I can fill out a paper application. For some reason the one in our town doesn’t have their opened positions on the website, but they do have jobs available. I’ll probably get the job at KFC since J is friends with one of the managers and they said they’ll mention me to the hiring manager. It’s not the best job, but honestly it’s better than Wal-Mart and if it’s full-time I’ll be making more every pay period. If I don’t get that job I”ll probably get a job at one of the other places I applied to like panera or subway.

     I’m so hopeful for a call from somewhere. This anxiety is really bad, I’ve been having it so bad while at work that I’ve been puking on my breaks. It’s not pregnancy… I took a few test, all negative.. Plus I’ve only been puking at work, and I feel like that at work. I’ve been so sick with anxiety lately, I’m very tired of this job, it’s terrible. This job is going to kill me, I swear, I can’t handle it much longer. I NEED a new job, I don’t understand how some of my co-workers been there for years, it’s terrible. Especially since one of them has a second job, why would they keep going there? They aren’t going to get the management position they want, what are they working towards? There’s no place to advance there, it’s not going to happen, they aren’t even letting managers have full-time hours anyways, so what’s the point?

     I really made a mistake quitting my job at McDonald’s last year and getting a job at Wal-Mart a few months ago. It’s just, one of the managers really made me feel like shit at that job and I figured since I was planning to do college it would make it easier than having to rush around all the time. Plus my mom has worked at Wal-Mart for almost 10 years and never had a problem, I don’t see how. It might just be the location I work at currently, but it’s ruined Wal-Mart completely for me, I’ll never work there again after I get a new job. I don’t care, there’s nothing good for me there.

     I still can’t get over my mom telling me to just ask personal to transfer me to a different department. Like what didn’t she understand about them cutting everyone’s hours? If I changed departments I’d have the same hours but get paid less? I work in the highest paying department, why would I change departments for the same hours but less pay? I don’t understand why my mother wants me to stay working at this place after I’ve told her everything that happens.