Thoughts On Our Future

Thoughts On Our Future

     Work doesn’t require me to do a lot of thinking so I kind of just go off into my own world. I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that I’ll most likely never be a mother and what that would do to J and my lives later on. Our entire relationship we’ve always talked about having kids one day, and as you guys know we were almost successful before. The thing is, now I have more information so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be trying to have kids ever again. Who knows though, maybe when we’re older they will have something that could help with my double mutation.

      We’ve talked a little bit about other options, like adopting, foster care, maybe a surrogate (we got rid of that idea real fast after reading some things about that option though). We’re pretty young so maybe our minds will change in a few years, but as of now we don’t want to adopt or do foster care. I’m honestly not even sure if we’d get approved for foster care since we both have a documented history of mental illness along with my aspergers. Maybe things will change in a few years, but that’s out decision at the moment.

      So as of right now since things look like we aren’t having kids, how do we see our lives going? Well lets talk about some of the bases, we are saving up for a mobile home; that’s kinda been the plan since the beginning but we have briefly talked about getting a house before. After getting our own mobil home we’re going to get some pets of our own, a few dogs and maybe a cat or two. I know for a fact we’re going to get a black lab, I grew up with one and it was the most sweet & loving dog I’ve ever met and I just love the breed. We might get a husky or a pug, we haven’t really decided, I defiantly want a maincoon (a type of cat that gets really big). I’m thinking about getting a turtle or fish- J has been talking about parrot fish a lot lately and I think I want to surprise him with one when we get our own place.

      I want to get at least a two bedroom mobil home, that way if we decide to have kids we wont have to find a new place, there’s already a room available. Until we have kids, or if we stick with the not having any, the second room will be a guest room. It’ll be used for our future nieces and nephews, and my little sister A (since she’s only 11 right now).

      One upside to no kids? We’ll be able to have sex where ever we want in the house. Plus I wont have to worry about J stopping the DD/LG play if we don’t have kids. Once we have our own home I’m going to try to get J to try some new BDSM stuff we haven’t tried before, or just haven’t done since we stayed in a hotel for a few days a year ago. I really want to try “humiliation” punishments once we have our own place (I’m going to bring it up on our honeymoon and possibly try it then). I’m also thinking, since we wont have kids we’ll be able to do more things together & have more money. Once J finishes paying off his debt (almost there btw!) and we live on our own we can basically do whatever we want. We’ll be able to go away on weekends (camping!) or just walk around the house naked / have sex anywhere (he can bend me over the kitchen counter and fuck me whenever he wants!).

      I’m still really upset about not being able to have kids, but at least it’s not all bad. I prefer to have kids to all this, but since it’s not really in our cards, mine as well look at the bright side.

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Weight Gain

Weight Gain

     The last week I have just been laying around at home watching TV and eating. I quit my job at wal-mart and didn’t go back because they were gonna fire me anyways, and since I don’t start my new job until the 11th I decided to have myself a little break. Well I finally gained the weight, I’m only 5 pounds away from what I want to weigh.

      The thing is I’m a little worried that I wont fit into my dress on my wedding day. I only perfectly fit into my wedding dress when I was 127.8 pounds, now I’m 130.4 pounds. Kinda worried I wont fit into my dress, but god I love how I look right now, I’m a lot bigger than I’ve ever been. J seems more into me since I’ve gained the weight; which I absolutely love.

        Even though I still have those disordered thoughts, I absolutely love this feeling I have at this weight. The only thing is, I know once I start my new job I’ll lose some of the weight because I’ll be moving around a lot. I’ll just have to eat more food to keep up my weight.

My DD/LG Relationship

My DD/LG Relationship

      I love being little more than anything, but it’s hard to be little when when J isn’t in a daddy mood. I love how it feels when I’m in little space and J is actually in a daddy mood and treats me like his baby girl. I love being his kitten more than anything, how gentle and sweet he can be…

        I miss the feeling of him being daddyish, he hasn’t really been into it for a long time. Recently he has been though sad thing is, I got an ear infection and I’m just miserable. I’ve been getting very grumpy easily and I’ve been getting snippy. Usually I would want him to punish me for being grumpy and snippy but I’m in so much pain that I’m happy he’s letting it slide.

      I really hope that once my ear infection is gone he’ll keep being in a daddy mood. I’ve missed my daddy, and I feel so little lately. Why must the world hate me and give me an ear infection right when he starts waning to be daddy? Ugh

A Letter To My Sister D

A Letter To My Sister D

      You are the most ungrateful person I’ve ever met. Everyone in our family has done everything they can for you, we’ve been there for you no matter what. You’ve never even cared though all you care about is yourself. Mom may really suck, but she’s been there for you, she’s given you more than she’s ever given me. Dad only recently started being there for you, and he doesn’t really care; he’s just trying to prove people wrong.

      You’re such a smart and beautiful girl, I love you so much. Even though I can’t stand you; you’re my little sister and I love you. Ever since you were little you want to be a lawyer but ever since 8th grade you’ve just stopped doing school work and failing. I still can’t believe that they’ve let you move up to high school and now you’re a sophomore in high school.

      You used to be such a nice girl, what happened to you? Now you’re mean and hateful. You hit your mom and sisters. You have sex with guys over 18, post nudes, doing drugs (don’t act like I don’t know, you don’t have that instagram account on private!), you act all grown. You’re literally 15 D, what happened to you? I can’t stand you anymore, I want to scream and shake you.

      You need some sense knocked into. Do you realize what you’re doing is going to affect your future? Your life barely even started and you’re already destroying it. It makes me so angry to see people do this to themselves, you’re following dads example. You’re so stupid, just thought you should know this. Love you.

Wedding / Honeymoon Plans

Wedding / Honeymoon Plans

     So it’s a definite, we’re getting married on the 20th! We’re also going on our honeymoon right afterwards til the 27th! I don’t think I’ve ever been as excited as I am right now, I just can’t believe how happy and excited I am right now. On Friday I’m going with my Aunt and Mommom (grandmother) to get my marriage license since J can’t go with to get it. J has been looking at places to have our honeymoon and he’s finally decided! We’re going to Ocean City MD, which I’m excited about since I’ve never been there before.

     I just can’t believe this is finally happening, I’ve been waiting for this since our first time having sex. When he proposed I was so happy, I thought there was no way that I could ever be happier. Now I’m even happier than I was before, can’t wait until the day we’re actually getting married!

     Even with the problems we have I still can’t see myself with anyone other than him. I know that I could survive without him, I don’t need him to live, but the thing is… I don’t ever want to live without him, he makes everyday life so much better. Life with him is going to be an adventure; I can’t wait to start our lives together officially.

     I need to decide on what rings we should get, and I want to find a dress to wear. J needs to get something nice to wear to it, even if it’s at the courthouse I want us to be dressed nice. J did have a nice dress shirt but I was wearing it to work one day and when I came home he was trying to be kinky and ripped it.. So I threw it away, so that means he needs to get a new dress shirt and a pair of dress pants that actually fit him. I know I want to either get platinum or titanium for the rings, I wanted to get a matching set but there’s no way I could afford that, the cheapest one I could find was like $2000. I found two separate rings that looked a lot alike that were around $100/$200 each, so I think I’m gonna get those.

     Even though the honeymoon is J’s responsibility I was doing some research. I mean he did choose the place and all that but I did look at what to do there in October. I saw tehre’s a maze thing there on the first few days we’ll be there, I really want to do that, I like mazes a lot, it would be a lot of fun to do that with J.

 

The Lack Of Dominance

The Lack Of Dominance

     Dominance is something I crave very strongly. I love when I’m being dominated, as I’m sure you all know from some of my past post. Well J doesn’t do it that often because he’s not into dominance outside of sex. Frankly he thinks it’s weird to bring it out of sex, which is why I don’t do much of the DD/LG; because that’s just not something he’s interested in. It’s very irritating because I need to be dominated in a nonsexual way sometimes, it helps bring down my anxiety, which I really need right now with the problems at my current job and the slight trouble I’m having with finding a new job.

     sometimes I find it hard to take him seriously because he doesn’t ever seem to want to take control. Plus I just feel kinda ignored when it comes to some of my wants/needs. I do a lot of what he wants; sometimes I wonder if  he’s right when he asks if I think we’re compatible, but when I look at him and we talk I know he’s the one. Even when I don’t get the full BDSM experience I want. It’s just really frustrating right now because of everything going on in my work life and because I for once enjoy sex and feel comfortable and I”m not getting the things I really want to do. I know that sounds kinda bratty, but I don’t mean it in that way, just don’t know how to word it.

      I don’t know how to really explain to him that BDSM is sometimes more than just sex. Maybe there’s no way to get him to understand, he seems very sure of it, that it’s weird to take it out of sex. It’s kinda funny to listen to him talk about it because I think the opposite of a lot of the things he says. I love him, and I love his though process. BDSM isn’t a mandatory thing for me, it’s just… I don’t know, sometimes I wish I could get more from there…

     I’ve tried multiple times to bring it up in many different ways, I even want as far as to “mention” something I “read” that I wanted to just “discuss”. I was very…. disappointed with the results from that. He was absolutely not into the idea and made it very clear. I mean I wasn’t fully into the thing I brought up, I was just mildly interested in it. I just wish he was less judgemental of these things because I’m very open to them, and a lot of it kinda turns me on.

     I love him though, and the sex is good, even when it’s not fully what I want. I want to marry him that’s for sure. I really can’t wait for October…. Well my rant is over, have a wonderful day guys!!!

Trying To Conceive

Trying To Conceive

     As everyone here knows J and I have been trying for months to get pregnant. I’m getting really frustrated, and I think J is getting slightly frustrated about it also. I’m just starting to feel really discouraged; it feels like I can’t get pregnant and even if I was able to again I feel as if all it’ll ever end in is a miscarriage. I don’t know why it’s such a big deal to me, it’s not like I’m old or anything, I’m only 19… It’s just, feels…. I don’t even know to be honest.

     It’s just frustrated, I went to three seperate high schools, so I know a lot of people, weather I’m friends with them or not doesn’t really make a difference. I’m friends with most of them on facebook and I follow a few of them on instagram. Let me tell you, it’s so irritating, a few of the people got engaged and married after I’ve gotten engaged, A LOT has gotten pregnant, and/or had a baby already. I’ve been engaged for over a year and yet I’m still not married, I live with my fiance’s family. I fucking live with his family, they live on their own. Some even with children.

      I know it’s bad to compare your situations to others, but it’s frustrating, cause I just want this so badly and I’ve been trying so very hard to get these things. I make it very clear with J that I want these things and he says he wants these things also. Though I’m not so sure he wants us to live on our own. The other week  J had a conversation with his mother without even talking to me first. Apparently his mother and him decided that if we stay living here until she dies we can have the place. I thought both J and I have decided that we wanted to buy a house together one day, most likely a town house but still.

     I don’t understand how some of them can even afford what they have. I know a single mom I went to high school with that owns her own house and she just works at a daycare. Especially since she just works at her friends daycare in their house, so how can she afford a house, a car, and a 4 year old? Like what the hell?

     Sorry for ranting, I’m just beyond frustrated and jealous right now. Plus J and I don’t even have sex all that often anymore, we had sex twice last week. I ask for it all the time, but he’s barely ever in the mood anymore, he’s always so tired after work. It doesn’t bother me normally but we’re trying to get pregnant.