Frustration & confusion

Frustration & confusion

    J and I talk about it all the time yet I still can’t get over it. I’m missing being little and submissive again. He hasn’t been keeping up with it, I feel guilty for bringing it up. I know he’s told me before he’s not interested in it but I still want to do, hell, I need it. I need to be little and to be submissive, it’s a part of me, I crave it and it honestly affects my mood when I’m not.

    I know I might sound kind of like a child right now but honestly I just feel neglected. I’m always doing things to make him happy even if it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t enjoy it. He can barely ever tell that I’m just doing it for him, yet he doesn’t do the same for me, and he makes it obvious he’s not enjoying himself when he does do something for me. If I can do it for you why can’t you do it for me?

    The first few months of our relationship he was into it, I got into this relationship under the pretenses that he was into DD/LG & BDSM. It’s not like I want it to be 24/7, I just want it once in a while to satisfy me. Sometimes I just feel like I’m not good enough and I get really depressed. I just really want him to be in daddy space and not make me feel bad for it. I don’t understand why he’s changed his mind on it suddenly and acts like he was never into it. He used to get really into it, just one day he decided he didn’t.

    He claims he feels drained whenever he lets me be in little space and he participates. Thing is, he barely does anything, he mostly just watches me. That’s not what I need… I need him to be involved, I don’t know how to explain exactly what I want him to do, I just want / need it. I try so hard to be a good girl for him, and I’m just not getting what I need back. Now I love J, he’s my best friend and my husband. Sometimes though… When I’m feeling like this… I kind of wish I didn’t enter this relationship or that he was different. That might not be the right way to word it exactly, because I love him with all my heart and soul, I can’t picture my life without him. I just wish he was more involved, that he would try harder for me. I feel like he’s given up on trying to make me happy now that we’re married.

   I just… Sometimes I wonder if he doesn’t like it because he doesn’t know enough about it. He keeps saying something about feeling like he has to literally take care of me. I tried explaining it to him but I feel like I’m either not good at explaining it or he’s just not listening to me. If only he would do research on it so he could try to do something that would actually make me happy and cause a lot less friction between us. I mean, it’s the least he can do since he’s the reason we’re stuck living with his mother, which I hate with every fiber of my being. I tried sending him links to information on DD/LG & BDSM lifestyles but I know he didn’t actually read them because he couldn’t remember a single thing from those articles. It’s really not that hard to make me somewhat happy, I’m already miserable right now, why not do something simple like this to improve things for us?

   I kind of want him to read this post because I’ve noticed if it’s something I’ve written and / or shared with other people he’s more likely to do what I said. I don’t want to tell him to read it or send him a link to it though because I feel like he’ll probably feel like I’m trying to start a fight or something. I have done it a few times lately, but only because I’m miserable and he’s not making anything easy on me lately.

    I don’t know how I ended up being so deeply in love with someone who isn’t like me all that much. I’ve noticed since we’ve gotten married that we both have different needs when it comes to affection and validation. I’m very needy when it comes to both, whereas he doesn’t need it or seem to really want it. It really upsets me, especially when I’m feeling like this. I feel really hurt a lot lately, I kind of feel like he’s doing it all on purpose, which I’m sure is just me being a little over dramatic. Again, I would never leave him, I’m still happy being with him. It’s more of just we’re having trouble communicating on top of everything else at the moment. We were doing really good with communication for a long time but lately we’ve been having trouble with it for some reason. I have a slight feeling it might because I’m so wound up about the DD/LG \ BDSM & living situation that he’s just not listening because I’m so tense and been acting out because of it. I need to really work on that, it’s not helping our relationship at all and I don’t want to hurt our relationship.

   I want us to have a happy & healthy relationship, it’s just really hard when it feels like I’m the only one making compromises lately. Plus it just feels like he isn’t putting effort in us right now. He mentioned once that he just feels really comfortable with our relationship (though I don’t see how when we’re having all these problems right now), It’s not like I’m hiding all this from him, I’ve brought it up multiple times; he might just not realize how serious it is… I don’t know how to get it into his thick skull how serious it is though. I’ve tried a lot of different things and nothing seems to be working, not even trying to demand it, he doesn’t seem to take me seriously.

   I just want things to be better, I don’t like feeling like this. I can’t wait for us to have our own place. It’s hard to have serious discussions that are touchy subjects, I’m always worried his mom or brother is going to hear us and I really hate it when they know what’s going on. I don’t hate them, I just can’t stand living with them. I just need my own space with J but we can’t do that until he has his license, even though he drives without it, his brother wont let him take the care until he has it. He just needs to finish his drive times with driving school before he can actually get his license. I honestly don’t care if we have to get an apartment, I don’t want to live here anymore. I’ve told him that too, I’m not waiting until we can get a mobile home (assuming that I can’t get a loan or something) I’m just waiting until he has his license then we’re out of here.

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Thoughts On Our Future

Thoughts On Our Future

     Work doesn’t require me to do a lot of thinking so I kind of just go off into my own world. I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that I’ll most likely never be a mother and what that would do to J and my lives later on. Our entire relationship we’ve always talked about having kids one day, and as you guys know we were almost successful before. The thing is, now I have more information so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be trying to have kids ever again. Who knows though, maybe when we’re older they will have something that could help with my double mutation.

      We’ve talked a little bit about other options, like adopting, foster care, maybe a surrogate (we got rid of that idea real fast after reading some things about that option though). We’re pretty young so maybe our minds will change in a few years, but as of now we don’t want to adopt or do foster care. I’m honestly not even sure if we’d get approved for foster care since we both have a documented history of mental illness along with my aspergers. Maybe things will change in a few years, but that’s out decision at the moment.

      So as of right now since things look like we aren’t having kids, how do we see our lives going? Well lets talk about some of the bases, we are saving up for a mobile home; that’s kinda been the plan since the beginning but we have briefly talked about getting a house before. After getting our own mobil home we’re going to get some pets of our own, a few dogs and maybe a cat or two. I know for a fact we’re going to get a black lab, I grew up with one and it was the most sweet & loving dog I’ve ever met and I just love the breed. We might get a husky or a pug, we haven’t really decided, I defiantly want a maincoon (a type of cat that gets really big). I’m thinking about getting a turtle or fish- J has been talking about parrot fish a lot lately and I think I want to surprise him with one when we get our own place.

      I want to get at least a two bedroom mobil home, that way if we decide to have kids we wont have to find a new place, there’s already a room available. Until we have kids, or if we stick with the not having any, the second room will be a guest room. It’ll be used for our future nieces and nephews, and my little sister A (since she’s only 11 right now).

      One upside to no kids? We’ll be able to have sex where ever we want in the house. Plus I wont have to worry about J stopping the DD/LG play if we don’t have kids. Once we have our own home I’m going to try to get J to try some new BDSM stuff we haven’t tried before, or just haven’t done since we stayed in a hotel for a few days a year ago. I really want to try “humiliation” punishments once we have our own place (I’m going to bring it up on our honeymoon and possibly try it then). I’m also thinking, since we wont have kids we’ll be able to do more things together & have more money. Once J finishes paying off his debt (almost there btw!) and we live on our own we can basically do whatever we want. We’ll be able to go away on weekends (camping!) or just walk around the house naked / have sex anywhere (he can bend me over the kitchen counter and fuck me whenever he wants!).

      I’m still really upset about not being able to have kids, but at least it’s not all bad. I prefer to have kids to all this, but since it’s not really in our cards, mine as well look at the bright side.

Weight Gain

Weight Gain

     The last week I have just been laying around at home watching TV and eating. I quit my job at wal-mart and didn’t go back because they were gonna fire me anyways, and since I don’t start my new job until the 11th I decided to have myself a little break. Well I finally gained the weight, I’m only 5 pounds away from what I want to weigh.

      The thing is I’m a little worried that I wont fit into my dress on my wedding day. I only perfectly fit into my wedding dress when I was 127.8 pounds, now I’m 130.4 pounds. Kinda worried I wont fit into my dress, but god I love how I look right now, I’m a lot bigger than I’ve ever been. J seems more into me since I’ve gained the weight; which I absolutely love.

        Even though I still have those disordered thoughts, I absolutely love this feeling I have at this weight. The only thing is, I know once I start my new job I’ll lose some of the weight because I’ll be moving around a lot. I’ll just have to eat more food to keep up my weight.

My DD/LG Relationship

My DD/LG Relationship

      I love being little more than anything, but it’s hard to be little when when J isn’t in a daddy mood. I love how it feels when I’m in little space and J is actually in a daddy mood and treats me like his baby girl. I love being his kitten more than anything, how gentle and sweet he can be…

        I miss the feeling of him being daddyish, he hasn’t really been into it for a long time. Recently he has been though sad thing is, I got an ear infection and I’m just miserable. I’ve been getting very grumpy easily and I’ve been getting snippy. Usually I would want him to punish me for being grumpy and snippy but I’m in so much pain that I’m happy he’s letting it slide.

      I really hope that once my ear infection is gone he’ll keep being in a daddy mood. I’ve missed my daddy, and I feel so little lately. Why must the world hate me and give me an ear infection right when he starts waning to be daddy? Ugh

A Letter To My Sister D

A Letter To My Sister D

      You are the most ungrateful person I’ve ever met. Everyone in our family has done everything they can for you, we’ve been there for you no matter what. You’ve never even cared though all you care about is yourself. Mom may really suck, but she’s been there for you, she’s given you more than she’s ever given me. Dad only recently started being there for you, and he doesn’t really care; he’s just trying to prove people wrong.

      You’re such a smart and beautiful girl, I love you so much. Even though I can’t stand you; you’re my little sister and I love you. Ever since you were little you want to be a lawyer but ever since 8th grade you’ve just stopped doing school work and failing. I still can’t believe that they’ve let you move up to high school and now you’re a sophomore in high school.

      You used to be such a nice girl, what happened to you? Now you’re mean and hateful. You hit your mom and sisters. You have sex with guys over 18, post nudes, doing drugs (don’t act like I don’t know, you don’t have that instagram account on private!), you act all grown. You’re literally 15 D, what happened to you? I can’t stand you anymore, I want to scream and shake you.

      You need some sense knocked into. Do you realize what you’re doing is going to affect your future? Your life barely even started and you’re already destroying it. It makes me so angry to see people do this to themselves, you’re following dads example. You’re so stupid, just thought you should know this. Love you.

Wedding / Honeymoon Plans

Wedding / Honeymoon Plans

     So it’s a definite, we’re getting married on the 20th! We’re also going on our honeymoon right afterwards til the 27th! I don’t think I’ve ever been as excited as I am right now, I just can’t believe how happy and excited I am right now. On Friday I’m going with my Aunt and Mommom (grandmother) to get my marriage license since J can’t go with to get it. J has been looking at places to have our honeymoon and he’s finally decided! We’re going to Ocean City MD, which I’m excited about since I’ve never been there before.

     I just can’t believe this is finally happening, I’ve been waiting for this since our first time having sex. When he proposed I was so happy, I thought there was no way that I could ever be happier. Now I’m even happier than I was before, can’t wait until the day we’re actually getting married!

     Even with the problems we have I still can’t see myself with anyone other than him. I know that I could survive without him, I don’t need him to live, but the thing is… I don’t ever want to live without him, he makes everyday life so much better. Life with him is going to be an adventure; I can’t wait to start our lives together officially.

     I need to decide on what rings we should get, and I want to find a dress to wear. J needs to get something nice to wear to it, even if it’s at the courthouse I want us to be dressed nice. J did have a nice dress shirt but I was wearing it to work one day and when I came home he was trying to be kinky and ripped it.. So I threw it away, so that means he needs to get a new dress shirt and a pair of dress pants that actually fit him. I know I want to either get platinum or titanium for the rings, I wanted to get a matching set but there’s no way I could afford that, the cheapest one I could find was like $2000. I found two separate rings that looked a lot alike that were around $100/$200 each, so I think I’m gonna get those.

     Even though the honeymoon is J’s responsibility I was doing some research. I mean he did choose the place and all that but I did look at what to do there in October. I saw tehre’s a maze thing there on the first few days we’ll be there, I really want to do that, I like mazes a lot, it would be a lot of fun to do that with J.

 

The Lack Of Dominance

The Lack Of Dominance

     Dominance is something I crave very strongly. I love when I’m being dominated, as I’m sure you all know from some of my past post. Well J doesn’t do it that often because he’s not into dominance outside of sex. Frankly he thinks it’s weird to bring it out of sex, which is why I don’t do much of the DD/LG; because that’s just not something he’s interested in. It’s very irritating because I need to be dominated in a nonsexual way sometimes, it helps bring down my anxiety, which I really need right now with the problems at my current job and the slight trouble I’m having with finding a new job.

     sometimes I find it hard to take him seriously because he doesn’t ever seem to want to take control. Plus I just feel kinda ignored when it comes to some of my wants/needs. I do a lot of what he wants; sometimes I wonder if  he’s right when he asks if I think we’re compatible, but when I look at him and we talk I know he’s the one. Even when I don’t get the full BDSM experience I want. It’s just really frustrating right now because of everything going on in my work life and because I for once enjoy sex and feel comfortable and I”m not getting the things I really want to do. I know that sounds kinda bratty, but I don’t mean it in that way, just don’t know how to word it.

      I don’t know how to really explain to him that BDSM is sometimes more than just sex. Maybe there’s no way to get him to understand, he seems very sure of it, that it’s weird to take it out of sex. It’s kinda funny to listen to him talk about it because I think the opposite of a lot of the things he says. I love him, and I love his though process. BDSM isn’t a mandatory thing for me, it’s just… I don’t know, sometimes I wish I could get more from there…

     I’ve tried multiple times to bring it up in many different ways, I even want as far as to “mention” something I “read” that I wanted to just “discuss”. I was very…. disappointed with the results from that. He was absolutely not into the idea and made it very clear. I mean I wasn’t fully into the thing I brought up, I was just mildly interested in it. I just wish he was less judgemental of these things because I’m very open to them, and a lot of it kinda turns me on.

     I love him though, and the sex is good, even when it’s not fully what I want. I want to marry him that’s for sure. I really can’t wait for October…. Well my rant is over, have a wonderful day guys!!!