How is it that there’s a bunch of girls I went to middle and high school with that are pregnant and/or just had a kid? Half of them don’t even want the baby and are angry they they’re pregnant. God, I want a baby, I want my baby that I lost… I loved my little shit with all my heart, why did my body fail me and the baby? 

I just look at all these girls pictures of their babies, their ultrasounds, the post about it all… I just get filled with this extreme jealously, they have their kid… They’re having their kid… Why did this have to happen to me? I’m happy for them, I really am, I’m just upset that I’m not having mine… 

Also at work, a bunch of women bring their children up to the deli. Some even let their kid say the other and they ask for a slice of cheese.  It’s just so cute! My heart melts, but it also drops to my stomach because I just think. The baby I just spent the last 4 months making in my body just died, j and I aren’t having our little angel… 

It hurts so much and I just keep seeing all these babies and young children, even some pregnant girls. I feel so bad that I’m jealous of them, it’s a very happy time for them. Well, except for the few that are angry about being pregnant. 

Sorry for the rant, J hasn’t really talked to me much about it all, just said he’s upset and wants to try again after I have time to let my body repair itself or whatever.  

Uodate: second miscarriage

Uodate: second miscarriage

So I was pregnant…. It’s a miscarriage…

Might not be on for a few days, I mean I haven’t been on much recently. J has already told my boss the news, since I’m off until Saturday. Waiting to hear about her response, she was always asking me about the baby and was very excited about it all. 

I’m beyond devistated, like I said I was in the other post where I thought I was never pregnant. I thought if this would happen again I wouldn’t feel as bad, since I’ve been through it before, but it actually hurts more this time. We don’t plan on actually trying for a baby, but we aren’t going to try and prevent it. Whatever happens happens. Hopefully the next time I’m pregnant things go right. 

J and I are going on a date tomorrow to a park nearby. We plan on talking about what we’re going to do and say. We already decided to just tell family I wasn’t pregnant. Don’t really want family feeling bad for me, it’s harder to deal with that then coworkers feeling bad for you. At least then, they aren’t always going to remind us, since we won’t always work with them. Other than that we aren’t so sure, so tomorrow we’re going to talk about it while enjoying the nice weather. 

This really hurts more than anything. When I wanted to kill myself hurt less than this. Why can’t my body work right and do its job? There’s a whole section in my body dedicated to creating life, and it still doesn’t work? I wish that I could just switch my reproductive system so I could successfully have a child…

Family knows? Well, kinda…

Family knows? Well, kinda…

So we decided to finally sort of tell our family. My mom has been suspicious on whether I was pregnant or not, but when I took a pregnancy test to prove it to her it was a false negative. So we decided to just tell our families that we think I’m pregnant. 

My mom is not happy, but she’s supportive, kinda. She did say that I would be a terrible mother, but I think it was her anger taking. It’s not like I could be a worse mother then she was/is. I think once she knows I’m pregnant for sure she’ll calm down and be happy. I’m really hoping she’s a better grandmother than she was a mom. I want my child to have involved grandparents, and just because she’ll probably be living in another state doesn’t mean she can’t be there. 

My dad, he’s SUPER excited. He can’t wait to find out for sure that I’m pregnant, and he’s hoping I have a girl. I was surprised he was expected, since he wasn’t that excited to be a dad. Maybe being a grandfather will be easier for him.though, since he’ll only have to visit, not care for the baby 24/7. He immediately looked happy when I told him, he’s not even worried about what J and I are gonna do. Then again, he’s not the most responsible person, though he says it’s just because he trust J and I to figure it out and he knows we have other family members to help us. Since he’s unable to, because he’s homeless and a recovering drug addict and alcoholic. 

My sister D, she is not happy. She keeps saying all these things about how J and I will be terrible parents because I’m autistic and J chose me. Which doesn’t make much sense, we can still be great parents, I mean we did meet when we were working in our high schools preschool. We’ve both taken child care classes and worked in the preschool for two years. Plus I’ve raised a baby for a while, though he doesn’t have much experience with that, I’m confident he’ll be an amazing dad. D is just a negative person who likes to hurt others, no one in my family really likes her, not even our mom. 

My sister A is excited, she’s only 12 but she wants to be an aunt very badly. She keeps telling me all the things she wants to do with my baby, like going to the park, playing with the baby toys. She also wants to show the baby her creepypasta when the baby gets older. I think she’ll be a great aunt, she’s a really good kid, and very responsible for her age. Though I wouldn’t leave the baby alone with her obviously. 

J’s mother, she’s worried. She’s hoping I’m not pregnant, that we should wait until we’re 25 or 27. A little late for that, but oh well. She said that if I am she does want to be involved, but only if we take the baby to visit her, because she’s to old to be driving to wherever we live to see the baby. I’m very glad she said that, even if she does scare me, I do want her involved in our childs life. I want all of the baby’s grandparents, except Js dad, involved. 

I don’t know about Js brother DA though, J hasn’t talked to him directly about it. Neither have I, I actually haven’t even seen him since we’ve started telling family. I think he’d be like his mom though, worried but wants to be involved if I am. Hopefully though, he’d come to our home to see the baby. Would make things a lot easier, since where we’ll most likely live would take us an hour to walk to where he lives and a taxi would be an unnecessary extra bill. 

We haven’t told extended family yet, but I have my first appointment on Friday, and my aunt is taking me. Once the appointment is over and I find out for “sure” I’m going to tell her and then probably post about it on Facebook so the rest of my family knows.  

Excitement over the baby

Excitement over the baby

So J has recently been actually excited about the baby. He’s been happy and sort of excited about being a dad, but the last week or so he’s been super excited. I’ve recently gained a lot more weight and my stomach is starting to look a little pregnant, at least when I’m only wearing a tank top or naked. Since this, he’s been so involved. 

Before he wouldn’t really talk much about the baby’s unless I brought it up, now he’s bringing up the baby constantly. He even started feeling my stomach (he’s getting kinda inpatient and wants to feel the baby kick, though that doesn’t happen for a little while longer) and talking to my stomach. He has this look in his eyes when he talks about the baby also, it’s amazing. I was honest still a little worried he was going to change his mind and regret the baby. He’s finally slowing excitment though, so I’m not as worried anymore. 

I’ve obviously been excited the entire time and you might be able to tell from most of my post. Even though I worry a lot, I’m still excited and can’t wait to meet our baby. I’m especially excited to have J as the father, he’s going to be a great dad. I just know it, he’s so amazing with kids, and he really wants this like he said. 

He’s even started looking at stuff to get for the baby. He really wants to do one of those “special” toy or blanket thing with out kid like my mom did with my sisters and I. If you don’t know what that is, it’s usually a small stuffed animal or blanket you give to the baby when they’re born and they keep it until it’s completely fallen apart or until they decide to get rid of it on their own. I still have my special toy, it’s a stuffed animal German shepherds I named Sarg. My youngest sister also still has her stuffed doll she named Ella, well actually she has a replacement Ella, we lost the real Ella when she was like 4 when there was a really bad snow storm and never found it. 

So that’s something we’re looking into, he’s really excited about that, we’ve also started actually talking about how we want to partent. We basiy have all the same thoughts on everything, we’re still discussing electronics though. We can’t agree on what age they have to be and the rules with it. He thinks I’m being a little to strict and I think he’s being to trusting, we’ll work it out though. We have plenty of time for that. 

BDSM and pregnant / mother to be?

BDSM and pregnant / mother to be?

Something most people don’t know about J and I is that we’re in a DD/LG [daddy Dom/little girl]  relationship (a specific type of Dom/sub relationship). We’ve been in this kind of relationship for most of our relationship, and he’s an amazing daddy Dom. I love his daddy Dom side, he’s very firm yet very loving work me. 

Since I’ve gotten pregnant though we’ve both been having a hard time going into Daddy and little space. I really miss it and I’ve tried talking to him about it, it’s hard to though. We’ve both have have a huge responsibility on the way, along with us working most of the day almost everyday. It seems like we don’t really have time for the DD/LG part of our relationship anymore, which really sucks. 

I love being his little girl, he loves being my daddy. It’s something we did all the time when together, now it’s just during sex. He doesn’t color with me, read to me, play with my stuffed animals with me anymore. I miss it so much, I feel like a huge part of me / our relationship is disappearing. 

We did talk about it for a few minutes a few days ago. He said he feels like if we keep up with the DD/LG part of our relationship, he’ll end up having to take care of the baby and me by himself. Which is NOT true, I want our baby very much, and will be a mother. I only want the dd/lg to be during our time alone together, like it’s been​ the entire time. I don’t know how to explain it to him though, it’s always been hard for me to talk to him about my BDSM wants/needs. 

Our kinky sex has kinda stopped as well, all we really do is take turns tying each other up and I call him daddy during sex. We used to do so much more, like spanking, breath play, hair pulling, blind folding, and a lot lot lot more. He’s to afraid to do any of that anymore though, he’s afraid he’ll hurt the baby if we do any of this. I’m not even showing that much, he doesn’t need to worry as much as he does. It’s not like we do really crazy things that can really harm me, and the things we do we know how to do safely. 

I’ll probably write another post to update how things are going. I’m going to try and talk to him tonight at work, if I don’t pass out as soon as we get home. 

Things I Wish my Mother did when I self harmed and was anorexic 

Things I Wish my Mother did when I self harmed and was anorexic 

I was a very mentally ill teenager, and my home life, along with school life, didn’t help. At home my parents fought all the time, along with my father being a drug addict and drunk. At school, I was bullied by friends and random classmates. I was never really happy until my mother moved us to MD into my aunt’s house. 

I stopped eating around 7th or 8th grade, and when I did eat it was barely anything at all. I never thought I was fat, that wasn’t my problem, I knew I was way to skinny. I just needed the control it gave me, also I had a huge problem with textures of food, which I recently learned is common with autsim. I lost a lot of weight, I always felt like shit, which I’m sure contributed to my depression and anxiety. Luckily I was hospitalized the summer between my junior and senior year in highschool,before it got to bad and killed me. I’m very thankful that my mom did finally do something about it, I’m a lot happier. 

In 6th grade up until my junior year in high school I would cut myself. From 6th grade til 10th grade I would cut myself every single chance I got. My left arm would be so cut up that it barely looked like an arm. When I ran out of space there I’d start cutting my stomach, thighs, hips, anywhere. My arm is scared, along with my hips and thighs, luckily my stomach didn’t scare. Oh I also cut my breast a few times, I have maybe three scars from that. Around 11th grade the cutting was a lot less frequently, since I was almost found out by people at school, I tried to do as little as possible, which lead to me stopping completely. It’s been almost two years since I cut myself.  

My mom, she always knew about the starving myself. She never did anything until the summer between my junior and senior year, just left it alone. She acted as if it wasn’t happening, she wasn’t even going to send me to the hospital at first. My therapist at the time though, he explained it all to her and she was finally convinced I needed help. I hated her a text first for sending me away, but I did thank her afterwards. I never even knew it was possible to have energy and be warm without being wrapped up in a heated blanket! I also met some amazing women while in the hospital, they helped alot along with the program and doctors. Not only did the hospital get me to a healthy weight, they taught me how to eat correctly and how to cope with my problems effectively. They also helped with what was left of my cutting problem, which was just as effective. I also learned how to deal with my sexual assault and miscarriage. 

The cutting? My mom caught me doing it multiple times, never really did anything but threaten me and take me out of school for a few days. I even got found out by teachers at school a few times, and I even told a teacher once. It didn’t do anything though, my mom would yell at me, make me stay home a few days, then act like it never happened. One time she got me a therapist for my cutting specifically, but I didn’t like the therapist so she never made me go again and didn’t get me a new one.

Until I was hospitalized, I never knew that she could’ve done more. After being hospitalized I learned a lot of things about myself and about what could’ve been done. 

I wish she would’ve been there for me more, I needed my mom. I wish that she would’ve left my dad a lot sooner, instead of having my two sisters, she never wanted to be a mom. She got pregnant by accident all three times, and she’s not very good at being a mom. She’s very selfish, sure she makes sure we’re fed and have clothes and a home. She’s not there for us emotionally though, it’s all about her. If we bring up how we feel, she automatically retorts with how hard her life has been and how she can’t do anything for us. 

Sometimes I just wanted her to hug me and watch a movie with me… Sometimes I just needed my mom to listen to me, but she wouldn’t do it. And I can’t stand it, I love her, but I can’t stand the kind of person she is. 

I also wish she hospitalized me a lot sooner, maybe I never would’ve gotten raped, maybe this would be my first pregnancy. Maybe I wouldn’t of lost the first baby… The first baby I lost because of my anorexia, I wasn’t eating right. If she would’ve had me hospitalized sooner, the cutting would’ve stopped sooner, I wouldn’t have these ugly scars I have now. Those are never going to go away… 

I wish that she would’ve talked to me, not yell. It never helped, she could’ve sat down with me, ask me about what was going on. She could’ve made me felt like I was being heard… She never did that, I needed that a lot. It helped alot when the doctors and other patients would listen to me. Why couldn’t my mom do that for me? I mean, it’s her job to do that!

She would never listen, she just made me feel guilty, made me hate myself more. She always said, hell she still says, that I’m the reason her life is a mess. It’s my fault my sister D is a whore and hits her, it’s my fault my other sister A is so sensitive that if you just look at her a certain way she cries. She’s never made me feel good about myself, not even now. 

Like now she’s suspicious, she’s been asking about my last period and if there’s a possibility that I’m pregnant. Everytime that comes up, she starts to put me down.  “You won’t be a good mom”, “you’ll never be able to support a family”, “J will end up leaving you, you’re to lazy”, etc. Etc. Etc. 

I cannot stand it, especially when she does it in front of people. She recently got a boyfriend and she was doing it in front of him when I had just got home from work. I wanted to punch her so badly. I didn’t though, she’s my mother. Even if she’s not a good one, she still is, so I have to respect her to a certain degree. 

When I was starving myself she never even tried to make me eat. If I said I didn’t want dinner she would just walk away.. she would let me go to school without eating, without lunch or lunch money. She never tried, not until we lived with my aunt and there were people there judging her. That only lasted two years, then we moved. Luckily by then I was hospitalized and gotten better. I slipped up once though and she just allowed it to happen. J is the only reason I got back on track with my weight, if it wasn’t for him I’d probably be starving myself again. 

There’s a lot she could’ve done… And I know I can’t change the past, but sometimes I just wish she did things differently. I wish she would do differently now before my sisters D and A get themselves into troible.

Living Situation

Living Situation

So, we waited to long and the apartment is no longer available. I told J that we didn’t have a lot of time, it was to cheap to be available that long. So now we’re back to square one and I’m beyond stressed out which is obviously not good for the baby. 

We have two options that we’re working on. First, we’re applying for the low income apartments my mom lives in. It’s near our workplace, it’s a nice neighborhood, and it would help a lot with a new baby. We’ll have to wait until an apartment is available and to see if we even qualify, which I’m sure we will with a baby on the way and since we don’t make that much money. We’re also saving for a mobile home, there’s a neighborhood of them next to the apartments we’re currently looking at. 

I’m hoping we can find one that’s not to expensive that we could actually end up buying before having to live in the low income housing. I mean, it’s a nice neighborhood and I’ve lived there for almost two years now. I’m just not sure I want my child growing up there, I’d like for them to have their own space. I don’t want them always having to worry about the downstairs neighbors or constantly hearing the people above our apartment. I hate having to do that now when I actually go home instead of going to J’s home. 

Whichever we’re able to do first is what we’ll do though. If we get the apartment we are still going to save for the mobile home, we defiantly want that. Don’t want to live in low income housing forever, it would only be temporary, until we can afford a place of our home. Like my mom, who’s moving to PA in a few months to a town house. I want to own my own place, not rent, and I don’t care if it’s a mobile home, at least it’s my own home. I can decorate it however I want, even paint the walls without having to ask someone else for permission. Well with the exception of J, obviously. 

I just can’t believe that things are going to take longer again, at least J’s mom worked things out so he doesn’t have to move out soon though. We have enough time now to find a place, if my mom doesn’t get the house sooner than she’s supposed to. Then we’ll be fucked if we don’t have a place yet. His mom won’t let me move in, I’m just allowed to sleep over on the nights that we both have off work the next day together. 

I’m just really hoping things work out, I’m getting sick of all the things happening suddenly. I can’t stand last minute changes, especially when it makes things harder. Things are already hard enough, we’re only 19 and 20, with a baby on the way, without our own place. I’m so irritated with the situation, and I can’t really do much about it. 

The only option I have is to save money, work as much as possible and hope for the best. J is doing the same, so at least I’m not doing alone like my mom is. Don’t think I’d ever be able to make it alone, I need J, and I’m lucky that I have him. I don’t know how mom’s in high school do this. I already finished high school, and did a semester of college and I’m struggling, but hey, congrats to the ones who make it work they’re very strong.