Jealously​ 

Jealously​ 

How is it that there’s a bunch of girls I went to middle and high school with that are pregnant and/or just had a kid? Half of them don’t even want the baby and are angry they they’re pregnant. God, I want a baby, I want my baby that I lost… I loved my little shit with all my heart, why did my body fail me and the baby? 

I just look at all these girls pictures of their babies, their ultrasounds, the post about it all… I just get filled with this extreme jealously, they have their kid… They’re having their kid… Why did this have to happen to me? I’m happy for them, I really am, I’m just upset that I’m not having mine… 

Also at work, a bunch of women bring their children up to the deli. Some even let their kid say the other and they ask for a slice of cheese.  It’s just so cute! My heart melts, but it also drops to my stomach because I just think. The baby I just spent the last 4 months making in my body just died, j and I aren’t having our little angel… 

It hurts so much and I just keep seeing all these babies and young children, even some pregnant girls. I feel so bad that I’m jealous of them, it’s a very happy time for them. Well, except for the few that are angry about being pregnant. 

Sorry for the rant, J hasn’t really talked to me much about it all, just said he’s upset and wants to try again after I have time to let my body repair itself or whatever.  

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Things I Wish my Mother did when I self harmed and was anorexic 

Things I Wish my Mother did when I self harmed and was anorexic 

I was a very mentally ill teenager, and my home life, along with school life, didn’t help. At home my parents fought all the time, along with my father being a drug addict and drunk. At school, I was bullied by friends and random classmates. I was never really happy until my mother moved us to MD into my aunt’s house. 

I stopped eating around 7th or 8th grade, and when I did eat it was barely anything at all. I never thought I was fat, that wasn’t my problem, I knew I was way to skinny. I just needed the control it gave me, also I had a huge problem with textures of food, which I recently learned is common with autsim. I lost a lot of weight, I always felt like shit, which I’m sure contributed to my depression and anxiety. Luckily I was hospitalized the summer between my junior and senior year in highschool,before it got to bad and killed me. I’m very thankful that my mom did finally do something about it, I’m a lot happier. 

In 6th grade up until my junior year in high school I would cut myself. From 6th grade til 10th grade I would cut myself every single chance I got. My left arm would be so cut up that it barely looked like an arm. When I ran out of space there I’d start cutting my stomach, thighs, hips, anywhere. My arm is scared, along with my hips and thighs, luckily my stomach didn’t scare. Oh I also cut my breast a few times, I have maybe three scars from that. Around 11th grade the cutting was a lot less frequently, since I was almost found out by people at school, I tried to do as little as possible, which lead to me stopping completely. It’s been almost two years since I cut myself.  

My mom, she always knew about the starving myself. She never did anything until the summer between my junior and senior year, just left it alone. She acted as if it wasn’t happening, she wasn’t even going to send me to the hospital at first. My therapist at the time though, he explained it all to her and she was finally convinced I needed help. I hated her a text first for sending me away, but I did thank her afterwards. I never even knew it was possible to have energy and be warm without being wrapped up in a heated blanket! I also met some amazing women while in the hospital, they helped alot along with the program and doctors. Not only did the hospital get me to a healthy weight, they taught me how to eat correctly and how to cope with my problems effectively. They also helped with what was left of my cutting problem, which was just as effective. I also learned how to deal with my sexual assault and miscarriage. 

The cutting? My mom caught me doing it multiple times, never really did anything but threaten me and take me out of school for a few days. I even got found out by teachers at school a few times, and I even told a teacher once. It didn’t do anything though, my mom would yell at me, make me stay home a few days, then act like it never happened. One time she got me a therapist for my cutting specifically, but I didn’t like the therapist so she never made me go again and didn’t get me a new one.

Until I was hospitalized, I never knew that she could’ve done more. After being hospitalized I learned a lot of things about myself and about what could’ve been done. 

I wish she would’ve been there for me more, I needed my mom. I wish that she would’ve left my dad a lot sooner, instead of having my two sisters, she never wanted to be a mom. She got pregnant by accident all three times, and she’s not very good at being a mom. She’s very selfish, sure she makes sure we’re fed and have clothes and a home. She’s not there for us emotionally though, it’s all about her. If we bring up how we feel, she automatically retorts with how hard her life has been and how she can’t do anything for us. 

Sometimes I just wanted her to hug me and watch a movie with me… Sometimes I just needed my mom to listen to me, but she wouldn’t do it. And I can’t stand it, I love her, but I can’t stand the kind of person she is. 

I also wish she hospitalized me a lot sooner, maybe I never would’ve gotten raped, maybe this would be my first pregnancy. Maybe I wouldn’t of lost the first baby… The first baby I lost because of my anorexia, I wasn’t eating right. If she would’ve had me hospitalized sooner, the cutting would’ve stopped sooner, I wouldn’t have these ugly scars I have now. Those are never going to go away… 

I wish that she would’ve talked to me, not yell. It never helped, she could’ve sat down with me, ask me about what was going on. She could’ve made me felt like I was being heard… She never did that, I needed that a lot. It helped alot when the doctors and other patients would listen to me. Why couldn’t my mom do that for me? I mean, it’s her job to do that!

She would never listen, she just made me feel guilty, made me hate myself more. She always said, hell she still says, that I’m the reason her life is a mess. It’s my fault my sister D is a whore and hits her, it’s my fault my other sister A is so sensitive that if you just look at her a certain way she cries. She’s never made me feel good about myself, not even now. 

Like now she’s suspicious, she’s been asking about my last period and if there’s a possibility that I’m pregnant. Everytime that comes up, she starts to put me down.  “You won’t be a good mom”, “you’ll never be able to support a family”, “J will end up leaving you, you’re to lazy”, etc. Etc. Etc. 

I cannot stand it, especially when she does it in front of people. She recently got a boyfriend and she was doing it in front of him when I had just got home from work. I wanted to punch her so badly. I didn’t though, she’s my mother. Even if she’s not a good one, she still is, so I have to respect her to a certain degree. 

When I was starving myself she never even tried to make me eat. If I said I didn’t want dinner she would just walk away.. she would let me go to school without eating, without lunch or lunch money. She never tried, not until we lived with my aunt and there were people there judging her. That only lasted two years, then we moved. Luckily by then I was hospitalized and gotten better. I slipped up once though and she just allowed it to happen. J is the only reason I got back on track with my weight, if it wasn’t for him I’d probably be starving myself again. 

There’s a lot she could’ve done… And I know I can’t change the past, but sometimes I just wish she did things differently. I wish she would do differently now before my sisters D and A get themselves into troible.

worse 24 hours of my life

worse 24 hours of my life

     Worse 24 hours of my life, I swear to God. I felt like I was dying the entire time, and the worse part is it happened right after my first full shift working in the deli. I didn’t even think I was sick until the second time I vomited. I’ve been feeling nauseous and having some morning sickness for the past week, so the first time I vomited after work I thought it was just the morning sickness. Oh if only it was that, it was NOT morning sickness.

     I was vomiting all night yesterday, at least once every hour. While vomiting and for about two minutes afterwards I was so hot I felt like I was going to melt, then afterwords I was freezing and was shaking uncontrollably. Luckily the vomiting stopped after 5:30am. The rest of the day consisted of being too hot or two cold, with tons of body aches and pains. Oh I almost forgot, I also had some diarrhea and peed myself a few times while I was vomiting. Luckily I was in the bathroom when that happened and didn’t have to walk far to clean myself up. Also, the worse headache I’ve had in years. Which I still have at the moment, it starts at the bottom of my neck to all throughout my head.

     I felt like I was dying, and right now I just feel like my head is going to explode. It’s a really good thing I had yesterday and today off work. Would’ve hated to call off right after I just started working there, hopefully I’m feeling a lot better tomorrow. My poor fiance got sick also, but he only vomited twice. He mostly just had the aches and pains along with a headache. He had to call off work yesterday but he went in today. He felt a lot better this morning and didn’t have a fever.

     I haven’t really eaten much because I don’t think i can really handle all the much right now. So far I’ve eaten some gold fish, half of a grilled cheese sandwich, chicken noddle soup, and I’m currently eating mashed potatoes. I also drank two bottles of Gatorade, I’ve been drinking plenty of water along with the Gatorade. Hopefully what I’ve read is correct and that it’s to early for this to really affect the baby, I would never forgive myself if I hurt the baby. Though I really had no control over getting sick, but I probably could’ve done more to prevent it somehow.

     I just really hope that I never get this again. I don’t think I’d be able to handle it if I’m further along in the pregnancy, it was hard enough at only 7 weeks, can’t imagine being that sick at 20 something weeks. I’d probably want to die, joking of course.

Plans, Plans, Plans

Plans, Plans, Plans

     Lots of things are being planned out!!! J and I talked a little bit, he’s calling the owners of the apartment we’re interested in tonight and making the appointment for Saturday. We’ve also decided we want to just go elope a few weeks after we move in together, we wont really have the money for a wedding and neither of us really feel like planning one. Another thing we’re sorta planning… Our honeymoon!!! So let’s talk about each in their own category!!!

The Apartment

     This we’ve been working on the plans for a while, but I’m excited about the final decisions! We’re defiantly making the appointment for this Saturday, that way my mother can come along with us. We want her opinion and help, which I think I mentioned in a earlier post.  I’ve also seen the outside of the apartment, it’s a nice looking house that’s been remade into apartments. I’d love to live there, just have to see the inside and then talk with J, my mother, and the owner before we make a decision.

     We’ve also decided on what we’re doing for furniture since we can’t really afford to spend a lot on it. Accounting for the things we already own we’ll have one twin bed, two TV’s, a bunch of plastic bins, a dresser, and some folding chairs. When my mom moves we’ll also have, a computer, a microwave, two more twin beds, a queen sized mattress, and possibly another dresser. We decided to use the folding chairs as a couch in the living room, and the twin bed as our bed until my mother moves. Once she moves we’re going to move the twin bed into the living room and use that as a couch, then the two twin beds and queen sized mattress and use that as a bed. We’re going to save up for a couch and eventually just put the twin bed away until our baby is big enough for a normal bed.

     Oh I almost forgot, my mother said that once we move she’s going to buy herself new plates and bowls and will give us the ones she has right now. So the only few things we’ll actually need to buy for the kitchen will be utensils and a few pots and pans. Also, J has this problem with sink water, it freaks him out. So he wants to buy a water filter and a container to keep water in the refrigerator.

Wedding or Elope

     This is something we haven’t fully decided on, it’s just something we’re thinking about. It’s still in the planning phase; I think we’re leaning more towards eloping though. We’re moving in together right after we each just got a job, and I’m currently pregnant, it’s not like we really have a lot of money to be spending.We already do a lot of things with my family, his family doesn’t really talk to each other all that much. So it’s just way more convenient to just elope, and a lot smarter when it comes to money.

     Neither of us really even want a bunch of people to be there when we get married. Especially my sister D, she causes a lot of problems and if we have a wedding and don’t invite her we’ll lose a lot of support from my family. We’ll probably just ask my aunt and grandmother to come with us to go elope. They’re the absolute best when it comes to helping us out, plus their way more supportive of everything I do.

Honeymoon???

    At first we just decided to just take off work a few days and just spend some quality time home alone together, but today J was doing some research during his lunch break. We only talked about it for about 25 minutes, but we’re thinking about going to Ocean City together for a few days. We wont be able to do it right away, we’ll probably just wait until around the time the baby is due or a little while after giving birth and just take her with. He’s hoping that his one friend and his fiance will be able to go with us and help out with the cost.

     I don’t like the beach all that much but he loves it there and it is a chance to actually go on vacation together. We haven’t really gone on vacation together before except when we went camping for three days after graduating from High School. He’s really excited about the possibility and it does kind of sound fun, so if we do have enough money and have a way to go there, I’ll defiantly do it.

The Baby

     We have already chosen names for the shit that we both love, the only thing we need to do about the names is choose a nickname. I’m so excited to meet the shit, I already love them with all my heart. I’ve already started talking to her, even though her ears have just started to develop. We’ve also decided before buying anything for the baby, we’re going to see if my aunt still has the pack and play and other baby stuff that she had for her foster son I talked about a few post ago. Anything sh doesn’t have that she can give us we’re going to look at the thrift store for.

     We’ve also decided that we’re gong to ask my aunt, grandmother, cousin, and dad to take turns babysitting the shit when I go back to work after giving birth. We both would feel way more comfortable if a family member would be with them instead of a stranger. J doesn’t really trust people, and neither do I, at least not with my baby. I barely trust my cousin, but I trust her more than a stranger.

Yesterdays Adventure

Yesterdays Adventure

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     Yesterday I talked my mother into going hiking with my two sisters, J, and I. Looking back at all the rocks I had to climb, and the water when we went over to the waterfall, it probably wasn’t a good idea. I’m so freaking clumsy, I hit my head on a rock when J and I were exploring a small little cliff under the main cliff. I also almost fell at least twelve times, if not more.

     I enjoyed my time though, J and I did a lot of climbing and took a ton of pictures. We even climbed up to the top of the waterfall and sat next to it for a little bit. I absolutely love hiking and climbing, I’m really going to miss this when I’m too pregnant to take those risks. At least I’ll still be able to do normal hiking, just no more climbing cliffs and waterfalls.

     The waterfall was absolutely beautiful, so was the cliffs. Being around all the nature is so refreshing when there isn’t much around where you live. Especially if you grew up in the middle of nowhere, around woods and creeks. If I’m being honest, I really miss that part of living in PA. I feel more at home where I live now though, even if I’m not always around nature. This is where I met J, where I found out I’m autistic, where I found out I’m pregnant, this is where we came when we left my father. I feel safe here, it’s in a different state than my rapist. So this is my home, I’ll just have to deal with having to drive out to be around nature.

     I haven’t felt as good as I did yesterday. I haven’t been hiking at all since winter started, I seriously needed that exercise. Though now my knee is really bothering me like it does after I walk for to long, that something I should probably get looked at. J and I are defiantly going to go hiking a lot more often, it’s something we both enjoy that involves getting us out of the house. I also want to take our baby hiking, let the shit see the outside a lot, get them into hiking so they’ll enjoy it as they get older.

     We’ll have to bring the bird with from now on though, when it’s warm outside. My mom wouldn’t let me bring my bird with, cause she wasn’t sure if she would want to go to a store afterwords. I feel bad, cause it was really nice out yesterday and my bird really would’ve enjoyed it. That’s the whole reason I bought her a harness and leash, so I could take her hiking with us.

Being A Young Mother

Being A Young Mother

I know I’m not yet a mother, I’m just a soon to be mother. But, I have expirenced pregnancy a year ago, though it did end in a miscarriage around 3 1/2 months into the pregnancy. I’ve also raised my aunt’s foster son that was 1 until he was 2. It was only for a year, and he wasn’t my actual child, he wasn’t even my responsibility; at least not legally. 

The thing is though, my aunt only took him in because she wanted his sister. They didn’t want them to be separated, especially since my aunt’s husband is the uncle to the kids mother. I lived with my aunt for a while, moved in only a few months before she became their foster mom. 

Once him and his sister moved in my aunt ignored him constantly, along with my grandmother. I immediately took over as his mother figure. I fed him, bathed him, changed him, slept with him. I was in school, I was only a sophomore in high school, yet I was caring for a baby. I did everything for him, my Grandmother only paid attention to him while I was at school. Though when I’d come home he always had a dirty diaper and would hang on me. 

After a few weeks he started calling me mom, sometimes mommy. I would take him to the park down the street, to the store. I even took him to chess club meetings (luckily my friends moved the club meetings to the local library when I told them my situation so I could still participate). It was hard, I barely got sleep or time to myself. Other than chess club I didn’t hang out with friends after school, I was always busy with the baby. I loved it though, and I wouldn’t of changed it if I could. 

I realize it was only about a year, and I didn’t have the financial strain, having to deal with the father, giving birth, like other teen moms. I still see this as motherhood though, I gave up so much for this baby. I did everything for him, no one else cared for him when I was home. When he was got the flu at one point I skipped school to take care of him. He saw me as his mother, I took care of him, I played with him. Not the adults who were supposed to. 

He doesn’t remember me now, he’s about 3 1/2 and lives with his biological father. I get to see him once every few months, and I cherish those moments. If I’m being honest, I cry the nights after I see him. It breaks my heart not seeing him everyday, not seeing all his progress growing up. 

I know that motherhood is not easy, I may not have had the full extent of it, seeing as I only cared for him for a year. But I was there, I had the struggles of raising a baby. I know what it’s like to a certain extent, I know that they aren’t good all the time. I know what it’s like to be sleep deprived and still have to get up and go to school, or work the next morning. It’s really hard, and it makes you question if you’re doing the right thing. But it’s also rewarding, seeing the look on their face when they call you mommy, seeing their little faces as they sleep. Watching them walk for the first time, hearing their first word… 

I can’t wait for my baby to come, to do this all with MY baby. I can’t wait to give birth to the shit, to watch them grow up. I can’t wait to be waking up at all hours of the night to a crying baby. It may be hard, but I know that I can do it, especially with J being there by my side. 

I fully appreciate teen mothers who keep their baby’s and still stay in school. I appreciate the ones who keep their baby’s and leave school to get a job. I even appreciate the ones who give up their baby’s (wheather is via abortion or adoption, though I personally wouldn’t do either, I realize sometimes you gotta do it) because they know they aren’t ready to be a mother. Don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re wrong, as long as you’re doing your best, you’re an amazing mother. 

Worries On Being A New Mother

Worries On Being A New Mother

     “it’s normal to be afraid princess, all soon to be mothers are.” is J’s usual response when I tell him about my worries. No matter what worry it is about the baby, he says that phrase to me. Oddly, it’s not as comforting as he probably thinks it is. I get more freaked out because it makes me think about how I’m not like other soon to be mothers.

     That’s probably a common thought of soon to be mothers, that there different. When I think that, I don’t mean there’s no other mothers in my position. I just mean, out of the few soon to be moms I do know, I cannot fully relate to. I have yet to meet a mother to be, or a mother, who has autism.

     I don’t know why I’m worrying about this so late all the sudden. I was so happy a few hours ago about being pregnant and having a baby. Maybe it’s because J made me watch some video about parents who regret having children.

     Now all the sudden I’m worried sick that he’s changing his mind. What am I going to do then? I mean, he’s such a great guy, he loves children and he’s so good with them. I don’t doubt for one second that he’ll be a great father, but I am worried that he’ll end up resenting me for getting pregnant. What if that post he sent me was a way of hinting towards it? Every time I try to bring it up, he acts like I’m overreacting about it. Maybe I am, I don’t know, I’m having such a hard time thinking clearly.

     I’m so scared that me being autistic is going to somehow screw p my child. What if they end up having troubles making friends because they learned how to socialize from me? I’m terrible at it, J is the one who always initiated our conversations until we were together for two months. What if the shit gets the gene’s I got that caused me to have scoliosis, what if the shit gets my double MTHFR mutation?

     J doesn’t really have any genetic problems, and he’s pretty normal, socially. So maybe the shit will turn out fine, it wont just be me there for the shit. They’ll see how their daddy is with people, with them, with me. Maybe seeing one major person socialize will be enough to help them learn the “correct” way to do it.I haven’t even met the shit yet, and I already love them unconditionally. I want only the best for him or her, just like I do with J.

     J didn’t even want to have kids for another three years. We just got a little to over excited one night when we didn’t have any condoms left. We both figured that since I have fertility issues I wouldn’t get pregnant… It wasn’t planned, it happened though, and I’m excited, and he says he’s excited… He just doesn’t act it, when I try to talk to him about when the baby comes he just brings up all the bad things that can and/or will happen. I’m not stupid, I know that that stuff can happen, but we don’t need to talk about it all the time like he tries to.

     I’m already stressed about my abilities to be a mother, and I guess him showing me that video has me terrified. I’m only 19 and I’m autistic, I know that I wont do a good job on my own. I depend on him being there to help raise this baby, without him this baby will end up hating me and having terrible social skills. He’s the one that does the socializing, I barely ever socialize with anyone outside of my family and J.

     Though, who knows? Maybe he’ll realize he is ready once the shit is born. I could be worrying about nothing. He says he’ll be there, that he’s excited for the shit existing. It’s not like he’s been trying to get out of it, hell, he got a job, and me a job (oh yeah, I forgot to mention since that post, he talked to his boss and they called me, I have an interview Wednesday), He’s setting up appointments to go look at apartments together. The pregnancy hormones are probably just impairing my judgement and thoughts, or it’s the autistic part of me that gets extremely uncomfortable with change. Guess I’ll find out as time goes on.