Improving Myself?

Improving Myself?

   All my life I hated how I look but I never really do anything about it. The best I ever felt was when I had a Mohawk in middle school / beginning of high school, because I constantly did my hair (making it so it would stick up or coloring it) and I wore make up. It was dark make up (all black, don’t judge my emo teenage self lol), but it was still make up. Even though I was going through anorexia, I still felt good about myself at the same time because I was putting some effort into my looks (the hair and make up).

   The thing is, I’ve stopped doing both. I either have my hair up in a messy bun, or just laying flat. I threw away all my make up (it was really old, from my freshman year of high school) except the lip stick I wore on my wedding day since I had just bought it that day. I feel like a mess all the time and I always feel so unattractive, and contrary to what my husband thinks, it’s not because other peoples reactions or anything. No one ever complimented or insulted my looks except saying I looked really pretty in my wedding dress. I honestly couldn’t care less what other people thought of me, it’s myself that’s concerned about this.

    I want to see myself as pretty, I was to do my hair and make up like other girls, I feel really feminine lately. I’d also like to wear dresses more often once it gets warm outside. I want more feminine clothes, not just t-shirts and jeans all the time. Thing is, I don’t know how to go about it all.. I’ve never been very good with hair & make-up; and I’m TERRIBLE at matching clothes together, which is a part of autism. Sometimes I really hate my autism because it makes it harder for me to be like other normal girls. I mean, I’m in my 20’s, have no actual friends other than my husband… I’m not good at making friends, but I desperately want them. I keep telling J he needs to ask his friend if him and his fiancé would like to go on a double date sometime that way I can be friends with her (assuming we’ll get along).

   I think that I want to get new eye liner & mascara (that’s the only thing I know how to put on) and maybe some lipstick. I want to see myself as pretty for once in my life. I’m actually at a pretty healthy weight, but I just… The rest of me doesn’t look very good and I have the urge to stop eating again, even though I still want to gain some more weight. I keep thinking, maybe if I work on my appearance more and find myself more attractive I’ll eat more healthy and gain more weight so that I’m actually healthy. Plus maybe if I work on myself more I’ll feel less depressed. I always feel like I’m not good enough or that I’m just lazy. I don’t want to feel lazy and not good enough, I should make more of an effort.

   I mean I know I work in a warehouse and all, that not many people aren’t going to see me. It’s not about other people though it’s about me, like I haven’t even gotten my hair trimmed since before our wedding and the ends of my hair is all fuzzy and damaged. Plus half of my hair is still light brown from when I dyed it a year ago, since it’s taking forever to grow out and I don’t want to cut my hair short again. I want it to stay long, my ultimate goal is to be able to put all my hair into one long braid. I love how braids look but the most I can do is two braids into pigtails or multiple small braids. Plus I’m regretting the bangs I got wwwaaayyyy before our wedding, they’re just taking forever to grow out. They can now be pushed to the side and just looks like I had layers or something but it’s still noticeable sometimes.

   I just need to work on me more… Need to learn how to do that also, I’m super tired of feeling like this. I usually don’t feel so strongly, might be a part of my seasonal depression. Plus it doesn’t help that I’ve been feeling extra bad about the miscarriages and the possibility that I can never have children….

   Plus I’ve been wanting to dye my hair again, maybe red or black.. I really want to do blue or something but J’s mother would NOT be okay with that and since I live with her I have to keep it normal unless I never want to hear the end of it. Just like I have to wait until we move out to get the nose piercing I want and to get the tattoo of the ED recovery symbol with a butterfly on my wrist. Which is irritating, since I pay her $500 but whatever. I’ll get it eventually, and I could get it if I wanted but I know it would come with a lecture and me being super irritated and J and I would end up getting into a fight. So it’s better to wait for those things. But honestly I want red or black hair again, I always looked really nice with it but I can’t decide which I want and I don’t know if J would even like how it would look on me and I do care what he thinks. I haven’t brought up dying my hair to him, because I’m not fully sure if I want to, it’s just been something I’ve been thinking about the last few weeks. Plus it would suck if I changed my mind about it afterwords because I would have to wait for it to grow back out.

   The only thing I’m fully sure I want right now is to start doing my hair in the morning and maybe a little make up. So I’m going to start working on that, and I’m going to keep thinking about the dying my hair thing until I’m 1000% sure it’s what I want.

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Frustration & confusion

Frustration & confusion

    J and I talk about it all the time yet I still can’t get over it. I’m missing being little and submissive again. He hasn’t been keeping up with it, I feel guilty for bringing it up. I know he’s told me before he’s not interested in it but I still want to do, hell, I need it. I need to be little and to be submissive, it’s a part of me, I crave it and it honestly affects my mood when I’m not.

    I know I might sound kind of like a child right now but honestly I just feel neglected. I’m always doing things to make him happy even if it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t enjoy it. He can barely ever tell that I’m just doing it for him, yet he doesn’t do the same for me, and he makes it obvious he’s not enjoying himself when he does do something for me. If I can do it for you why can’t you do it for me?

    The first few months of our relationship he was into it, I got into this relationship under the pretenses that he was into DD/LG & BDSM. It’s not like I want it to be 24/7, I just want it once in a while to satisfy me. Sometimes I just feel like I’m not good enough and I get really depressed. I just really want him to be in daddy space and not make me feel bad for it. I don’t understand why he’s changed his mind on it suddenly and acts like he was never into it. He used to get really into it, just one day he decided he didn’t.

    He claims he feels drained whenever he lets me be in little space and he participates. Thing is, he barely does anything, he mostly just watches me. That’s not what I need… I need him to be involved, I don’t know how to explain exactly what I want him to do, I just want / need it. I try so hard to be a good girl for him, and I’m just not getting what I need back. Now I love J, he’s my best friend and my husband. Sometimes though… When I’m feeling like this… I kind of wish I didn’t enter this relationship or that he was different. That might not be the right way to word it exactly, because I love him with all my heart and soul, I can’t picture my life without him. I just wish he was more involved, that he would try harder for me. I feel like he’s given up on trying to make me happy now that we’re married.

   I just… Sometimes I wonder if he doesn’t like it because he doesn’t know enough about it. He keeps saying something about feeling like he has to literally take care of me. I tried explaining it to him but I feel like I’m either not good at explaining it or he’s just not listening to me. If only he would do research on it so he could try to do something that would actually make me happy and cause a lot less friction between us. I mean, it’s the least he can do since he’s the reason we’re stuck living with his mother, which I hate with every fiber of my being. I tried sending him links to information on DD/LG & BDSM lifestyles but I know he didn’t actually read them because he couldn’t remember a single thing from those articles. It’s really not that hard to make me somewhat happy, I’m already miserable right now, why not do something simple like this to improve things for us?

   I kind of want him to read this post because I’ve noticed if it’s something I’ve written and / or shared with other people he’s more likely to do what I said. I don’t want to tell him to read it or send him a link to it though because I feel like he’ll probably feel like I’m trying to start a fight or something. I have done it a few times lately, but only because I’m miserable and he’s not making anything easy on me lately.

    I don’t know how I ended up being so deeply in love with someone who isn’t like me all that much. I’ve noticed since we’ve gotten married that we both have different needs when it comes to affection and validation. I’m very needy when it comes to both, whereas he doesn’t need it or seem to really want it. It really upsets me, especially when I’m feeling like this. I feel really hurt a lot lately, I kind of feel like he’s doing it all on purpose, which I’m sure is just me being a little over dramatic. Again, I would never leave him, I’m still happy being with him. It’s more of just we’re having trouble communicating on top of everything else at the moment. We were doing really good with communication for a long time but lately we’ve been having trouble with it for some reason. I have a slight feeling it might because I’m so wound up about the DD/LG \ BDSM & living situation that he’s just not listening because I’m so tense and been acting out because of it. I need to really work on that, it’s not helping our relationship at all and I don’t want to hurt our relationship.

   I want us to have a happy & healthy relationship, it’s just really hard when it feels like I’m the only one making compromises lately. Plus it just feels like he isn’t putting effort in us right now. He mentioned once that he just feels really comfortable with our relationship (though I don’t see how when we’re having all these problems right now), It’s not like I’m hiding all this from him, I’ve brought it up multiple times; he might just not realize how serious it is… I don’t know how to get it into his thick skull how serious it is though. I’ve tried a lot of different things and nothing seems to be working, not even trying to demand it, he doesn’t seem to take me seriously.

   I just want things to be better, I don’t like feeling like this. I can’t wait for us to have our own place. It’s hard to have serious discussions that are touchy subjects, I’m always worried his mom or brother is going to hear us and I really hate it when they know what’s going on. I don’t hate them, I just can’t stand living with them. I just need my own space with J but we can’t do that until he has his license, even though he drives without it, his brother wont let him take the care until he has it. He just needs to finish his drive times with driving school before he can actually get his license. I honestly don’t care if we have to get an apartment, I don’t want to live here anymore. I’ve told him that too, I’m not waiting until we can get a mobile home (assuming that I can’t get a loan or something) I’m just waiting until he has his license then we’re out of here.

What The Actual Fuck?

What The Actual Fuck?

      So today I got a very interesting message from someone I didn’t think I would ever hear from again. It’s been like maybe, two years? Since I’ve talked to my rapist. He was my absolute best friend before he raped me. He basically lived with my family and I before we left my dad and moved to MD.

     Weird thing is last night I had a weird dream that my husband left me for one of my past friends in PA. While he was in PA in my dream my rapist showed up at my front door begging me to be his girlfriend. Really weird, I was crying telling him to go away, hit him, felt bad for hitting him, then got mad at myself for feeling bad. I ended up hiding underneath my bed in my dream before waking up.

     I didn’t think much of the dream at the moment, dreams are weird, you can’t control them and a lot of the time it’s just random things happening. Though thinking back on it it’s pretty freaking weird, especially since I haven’t dreamt about my rapist in at least a year if not longer.

     Well today at work I got on my phone on my second 15 minute break and I had a friend request on Facebook, along with a message. Basically he was telling me that I was the best friend he ever had and he missed me and wants to try to reconnect in some way…

     Is this a fucking joke? Like you raped me while I was sleeping, you were supposed to be my best friend, but you betrayed me in the worse way possible. Like he never even acknowledge that he did something wrong before I stopped talking to him years ago after it happened (I did keep talking to him for a short while afterwords).

    Well today I went along with his talking and he basically “apologized” and said he somewhat understood what I’m going through. Also while talking he made it sem like what he did is the reason my life is better today and why his life really sucks now…

     Am I supposed to feel sorry for you or something? Just because my life isn’t complete shit and I’m not a loser like you doesn’t mean my life is good, and even if it’ is it has nothing to do with my rape! I have learned to cope with it! I’m not over it in any way possible. I still have fears when it comes to having sex and I feel very guilty about that, even though it wasn’t my fault at all!

    I just can’t believe that he had the guts to message me, let alone make it seem like I ruined his life. The worse part is that I have him blocked on Facebook, so this means he made a  whole new profile just so he could message me. What even possessed him to do all this out of nowhere??? Makes absolutely no sense once so ever!

Changes At Work

Changes At Work

    So I work in a warehouse, for the same company as my soon-to-be husband. The only difference is that I work in the other building that deals with the holiday stuff, so I’m technically a seasonal worker. Well today I found out that I’m most likely being changed to a full-time worker at the main building (where J works!) when my building closes after the holidays. So today I went up to the main building to start training (I’m in the same area as J, but we probably will never work in the same mod, we’ll see later on though). I go back again tomorrow for more training, depending on how things are still going at the holiday building (we’re super a head and have barely anything to do over there) I might just end up working in the main building from now on.

     I was really upset at first, I had a mini meltdown last night when they first told me I’d be going to the other building today. As soon as I clocked out and J picked me up I started crying. I was in full on panic mode, there were tears, troubles breathing, thinking of all the bad things that could possibly happen. J and his mom finally were able to calm me down once we got home and he explained to her why I was crying. I was honestly upset this morning also, everything felt wrong and I didn’t want to get out of bed, I didn’t eat breakfast on my first break because it was at a different time than it usually is. I had a really hard time with lunch also because it was half an hour earlier than I usually have it, I managed to eat it all though!

     The job itself though? I absolutely love it! It’s way more repetitive than at the holiday building. Plus it’s a lot less work, no lifting heavy things, no pulling a pallet with you, no making pallets! I was just putting small items in a blue tote and setting it on a conveyor belt! I really hope they keep me at this building, I even got a lot more done at that building then I ever have at the holiday building, and I’d do over 500 tickets at the holiday building! My productivity is defiantly going to be higher than usual if they keep me at this building.

     either way I still see myself working at this place for a long time. If I can help it I think I’d like to work there until I retire or until I die. Unless somehow I can survive being a stay at home mom. Also I was thinking after I’ve ben there for a while I would like to get trained on the equipment that way I would get paid more and it would be nice to have more expierence than just picking if I was to ever have to find anotehr job.

Thoughts On Our Future

Thoughts On Our Future

     Work doesn’t require me to do a lot of thinking so I kind of just go off into my own world. I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that I’ll most likely never be a mother and what that would do to J and my lives later on. Our entire relationship we’ve always talked about having kids one day, and as you guys know we were almost successful before. The thing is, now I have more information so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be trying to have kids ever again. Who knows though, maybe when we’re older they will have something that could help with my double mutation.

      We’ve talked a little bit about other options, like adopting, foster care, maybe a surrogate (we got rid of that idea real fast after reading some things about that option though). We’re pretty young so maybe our minds will change in a few years, but as of now we don’t want to adopt or do foster care. I’m honestly not even sure if we’d get approved for foster care since we both have a documented history of mental illness along with my aspergers. Maybe things will change in a few years, but that’s out decision at the moment.

      So as of right now since things look like we aren’t having kids, how do we see our lives going? Well lets talk about some of the bases, we are saving up for a mobile home; that’s kinda been the plan since the beginning but we have briefly talked about getting a house before. After getting our own mobil home we’re going to get some pets of our own, a few dogs and maybe a cat or two. I know for a fact we’re going to get a black lab, I grew up with one and it was the most sweet & loving dog I’ve ever met and I just love the breed. We might get a husky or a pug, we haven’t really decided, I defiantly want a maincoon (a type of cat that gets really big). I’m thinking about getting a turtle or fish- J has been talking about parrot fish a lot lately and I think I want to surprise him with one when we get our own place.

      I want to get at least a two bedroom mobil home, that way if we decide to have kids we wont have to find a new place, there’s already a room available. Until we have kids, or if we stick with the not having any, the second room will be a guest room. It’ll be used for our future nieces and nephews, and my little sister A (since she’s only 11 right now).

      One upside to no kids? We’ll be able to have sex where ever we want in the house. Plus I wont have to worry about J stopping the DD/LG play if we don’t have kids. Once we have our own home I’m going to try to get J to try some new BDSM stuff we haven’t tried before, or just haven’t done since we stayed in a hotel for a few days a year ago. I really want to try “humiliation” punishments once we have our own place (I’m going to bring it up on our honeymoon and possibly try it then). I’m also thinking, since we wont have kids we’ll be able to do more things together & have more money. Once J finishes paying off his debt (almost there btw!) and we live on our own we can basically do whatever we want. We’ll be able to go away on weekends (camping!) or just walk around the house naked / have sex anywhere (he can bend me over the kitchen counter and fuck me whenever he wants!).

      I’m still really upset about not being able to have kids, but at least it’s not all bad. I prefer to have kids to all this, but since it’s not really in our cards, mine as well look at the bright side.

Weed Vs. CBD oil & gummy bears

Weed Vs. CBD oil & gummy bears

       I noticed a few differences since J and I switched from smoking weed to vaping CBD oil and taking gummy bears. I know that the CBD oil comes from the same plant, but it’s very different at the same time. I don’t know much about the details, J knows all that; he’s the one who did the research and decided on the switch.

       I absolutely love the CBD way more than I like smoking weed. First off, I don’t have this weird cotton feeling in my head the next morning with the CBD oil like I do when I smoke weed. I’m also able to think a lot easier, my thoughts don’t get all mixed up like I do when I’m high. I just feel calm and it really helps me sleep, and it’s a real sleep; I don’t feel heavy and I don’t wake up constantly during the night. When I smoke weed I fall into this sleep that makes me feel heavy and I wake up off and on all night.

         I don’t do it that often though, same as how I didn’t smoke weed that often. Though if I”m being honest I do this a little more than I did weed, but it’s like maybe once a week, sometimes twice if I’m having a hard week. Oh I almost forget, it helps me with my back pain, a lot better and faster than ibrophen. Whenever I complain about my back hurting J gives me two or three of the gummy bears and the pain goes away after a while, best thing is that I fall asleep and when I wake up it still doesn’t bother me.

       We still have a little bit weed in our hiding spot but honestly I don’t think it’s going to be smoked anytime soon. J also likes the CBD a lot more than weed. This also helps with my anxiety a lot better than weed ever did. I honestly don’t know how to explain how it really makes me feel. The weed did make me feel better than when I wasn’t smoking it, as in I wasn’t having much back pain and it stopped my anxiety. The thing is though, the CBD; that really helps. It makes it all feel better without making me having a cotton feeling in my head, and it’s easier to think with this instead of when I smoke weed and my head gets mixed up a little.

My New Job

My New Job

     I love my new job, it’s amazing. Today was my second official day working; Monday and Tuesday I had orientation. If you didn’t know, I’m a picker at a warehouse now, we pick things for stores. Yesterday I pick 54 tags for one store, It took me until after my lunch to finish it. After I finished that I started another store that had 85 tags, I got 40 of them done before I had to leave.

      Today I did so much better, I did three stores! I wanted to do a fourth store; but since I’m new to the job I’m not really allowed to stay after 3:00. They had me cleaning up empty boxes since everyone likes to just leave them sitting around taking up space. I accidentally stayed until 3:36 because there’s no clocks and I forgot my watch this morning, I got so into my work I didn’t realize it was so late. No one said anything to me so I don’t think it’s going to be a problem.

      The only problem I have with this job is that there’s only one clock in the entire building. The clock is in the break room and it’s not a digital clock, which makes it even worse! Just to explain I literally cannot read those clocks, I’ve been taught how to read them more times than I can count it just doesn’t stick. Tonight I’m going to get ALL my stuff for work tomorrow together so I don’t forget my watch again. Not being able to read the only clock in the building has made it really difficult to fill out my paperwork that records all the work I’ve been doing, so I defiantly need to take my watch with me.

      For once in my life I actually enjoy my job, I know it’s weird but I really do. There’s routine and it’s simple, full of order, it’s just perfect. This is literally the perfect job for my autistic ass (joke obviously). I never thought I would enjoy a job and be excited to go to work, but here I am, enjoying my job and being excited for work.

       ALSO!!! While at work, I’m not anxious. Usually at my jobs, or school, I’m afraid to do things without constantly asking for reassurance, at this job I feel confident and I have no problem doing my job. I know that I’m just going to get better with time, this is the kind of job I needed! I can’t believe that I didn’t try for this kind of job before and that I was so reluctant to get it.