So we’re back home from our honeymoon! Let me just say, it was amazing! I loved every second of our honeymoon, we were completely alone and it was beautiful. Though it was really cold, we did go swimming in the ocean and took a romantic walk on the beach late in the afternoon. We checked out every store on the boardwalk, had breakfast at this cute little family owned place, the food was amazing! We talked a lot about our future plans and about the wedding and things like that.

     Our wedding was amazing also, I’ve never felt so happy in my entire life. I can’t believe that it’s finally happened! He’s finally my husband, I’m now married to my best friend! My dad and I did a first dance together, J and his mother had a first dance together. J and my first dance was my favorite though, even though I felt a little awkward with everyone watching us. The entire day felt magical, like it was a fairytale or something.

     So I’m either going to mail my stuff in to get my last name changed on my social security card or do it online if it’s possible; just have to get my marriage certficate from my aunt since she took it down to get filed while we were on our honeymoon. After that I’m gonna go down to the MVA to get my last name changed on my ID. After that it’s just the bank and work I have to change it, which wont be that hard.

    I’m super excited to have my last name legally changed!

Oh I’m also getting my first tattoo today, it’s going to be a heart with J’s name in it. J has one with my name in it, he’s had it for over a year now though.

Thoughts On Our Future

Thoughts On Our Future

     Work doesn’t require me to do a lot of thinking so I kind of just go off into my own world. I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that I’ll most likely never be a mother and what that would do to J and my lives later on. Our entire relationship we’ve always talked about having kids one day, and as you guys know we were almost successful before. The thing is, now I have more information so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be trying to have kids ever again. Who knows though, maybe when we’re older they will have something that could help with my double mutation.

      We’ve talked a little bit about other options, like adopting, foster care, maybe a surrogate (we got rid of that idea real fast after reading some things about that option though). We’re pretty young so maybe our minds will change in a few years, but as of now we don’t want to adopt or do foster care. I’m honestly not even sure if we’d get approved for foster care since we both have a documented history of mental illness along with my aspergers. Maybe things will change in a few years, but that’s out decision at the moment.

      So as of right now since things look like we aren’t having kids, how do we see our lives going? Well lets talk about some of the bases, we are saving up for a mobile home; that’s kinda been the plan since the beginning but we have briefly talked about getting a house before. After getting our own mobil home we’re going to get some pets of our own, a few dogs and maybe a cat or two. I know for a fact we’re going to get a black lab, I grew up with one and it was the most sweet & loving dog I’ve ever met and I just love the breed. We might get a husky or a pug, we haven’t really decided, I defiantly want a maincoon (a type of cat that gets really big). I’m thinking about getting a turtle or fish- J has been talking about parrot fish a lot lately and I think I want to surprise him with one when we get our own place.

      I want to get at least a two bedroom mobil home, that way if we decide to have kids we wont have to find a new place, there’s already a room available. Until we have kids, or if we stick with the not having any, the second room will be a guest room. It’ll be used for our future nieces and nephews, and my little sister A (since she’s only 11 right now).

      One upside to no kids? We’ll be able to have sex where ever we want in the house. Plus I wont have to worry about J stopping the DD/LG play if we don’t have kids. Once we have our own home I’m going to try to get J to try some new BDSM stuff we haven’t tried before, or just haven’t done since we stayed in a hotel for a few days a year ago. I really want to try “humiliation” punishments once we have our own place (I’m going to bring it up on our honeymoon and possibly try it then). I’m also thinking, since we wont have kids we’ll be able to do more things together & have more money. Once J finishes paying off his debt (almost there btw!) and we live on our own we can basically do whatever we want. We’ll be able to go away on weekends (camping!) or just walk around the house naked / have sex anywhere (he can bend me over the kitchen counter and fuck me whenever he wants!).

      I’m still really upset about not being able to have kids, but at least it’s not all bad. I prefer to have kids to all this, but since it’s not really in our cards, mine as well look at the bright side.

I May Never Get Pregnant Or Carry Full-Term

I May Never Get Pregnant Or Carry Full-Term

    I’ve only ever did light reading on my double MTHFR mutation, I’ve never really read a lot about it. My mom read a lot more than I did, I really wish that I did read more… I read that it can be difficult to ever get pregnant, and if you do happen to get pregnant it’s basically guaranteed your baby will have a birth defect..

      That’s with just one MTHFR gene, I have two. So I mentioned it to my mom the other day when I saw her.. Apparently it’s next to impossible to become pregnant, and if you do get pregnant you’re most likely to have a miscarriage. Let’s say that I do get pregnant, and carry full-term; There’s no way that they’ll be born without a birth defect. If I do have a child I’m going to be giving them a life that is going to be super hard for them…. Or they’ll suffer for a few week, months, or even a few years before they die…

       Am I making the right decision trying to get pregnant? I didn’t know all this before, but now I have the information… Is it really the right thing to do? To try to get pregnant, knowing what I could be doing to our future children… I keep wondering if the baby I was pregnant with was suffering inside me, I mean I never got an ultrasound or anything, so no one ever seen it… For all I know it could’ve been in pain, I was 4 or 5 months along can’t the baby start feelings things around then? I mean I felt the baby moving around inside me for a sort while.

       I’m honestly upset about this, that’s something I’ve always wanted to have a family, have my own children…. J says he doesn’t care if we have kids or not, but he’s so good with kids and he always pretends my cousin and my sister are his kids, that’s how he’s so good with them. Kids, that’s something that’s been in J and my plans since we’ve started dating; especially since we’ve gotten engaged and the closer we get to our marriage.

Something that still really bothers me is all the people I went to school with that are already pregnant or already parents. A few of them are even younger than me and are getting pregnant and having babies. I understand that mistakes happen, and sometimes afterwards it turns out to be the best mistake of your life… But barely any of them are prepared; I’m more prepared and ready than them but yet I probably will never be able to get pregnant.. Sometimes the world really sucks and is extremely unfair. Guess I’ll just have to suck it up and deal with it..

      I haven’t told J all this yet, all I’ve told him is what I’ve decided. I’ve decided that I don’t want to adopt, don’t want to do foster care, and absolutely don’t ‘want to do surrogate. All of that is so unreliable and cost so much, I rather just not have kids than have to go through that.  There’s always pets, it wont be the same as kids, but it’s the best I could do if I don’t get pregnant and have a baby..

How I see my life with J

How I see my life with J

      I see us doing everything together, I don’t see anything like super out there. I just see us growing old together with our small family we start together.  I see us going to my youngest sisters school stuff like we already do, our favorite thing is her chours concerts; we always record them. I see us doing that with our own children one day.  

      I see us with a bunch of cats and dogs, maybe some more birds, who knows. I see our little house or double wide trailer (I’ve been trying to get him to agree to getting one once we can afford one instead of a house) decorated with pictures of us and our family, paintings, and drawings by our kids or my sister’s. 

      I see us working the way we do now; well the way he does now and the way I will be soon. Monday-Friday at a warehouse, off weekends, off on major holidays. I see family vacations, family movie/game nights, family dinners. I see us living a very family oriented life, how we both always wanted. 

        I see him always being there, never leaving us. I see having my first child with him, him being there during the birth, for all those major moments in our child’s life. I know he’s going to be a better father than mine ever was, than his father ever was. I love him more than anything, I can’t see my life without him. 

My Autism Or My Anxiety?

My Autism Or My Anxiety?

     I honestly can’t tell the difference between my autism anxiety or my regular anxiety. I am just constantly anxious about anything and everything, my chest constantly hurts, and I want to sleep during the day and be up all night. Last night I was up until 1:30 AM working on my novel, because I was to anxious to sleep. I’m extremely freaked out about all this change that’s happening.

  • New job
  • Getting Married
  • Not living with my mom
  • My dad trying to be in my life

    Some of these things aren’t even new, I’m just now starting to deal with them. I have no idea why I’m so anxious about all this, most of it is actually really good. I should be happy and excited, not sitting here having trouble with sleeping, nauseous and everything else.

     All this anxiety is probably because of my autism. I mean why else would I be having this much anxiety over change. Regular people don’t get this messed up over change. Hopefully all this will go away soon, the anxiety I mean.

     I keep repeating my safe numbers in my head and trying to remind myself that I’m real. Though I don’t feel very real, like this is all a dream, or I’m a ghost that took over a body. Maybe that’s why I can’t remember most things from before middle school.


Goodbye Wal-Mart

Goodbye Wal-Mart

     So I went to hand in my notice on Saturday, and guess what happened? The manager already hired my replacement… Before I knew if I had to job or not. Want to know why? Because the new Deli manager told the manager that I’ve been being nasty to her and refusing to do anything she asks me to. Guess what they were about to do to me. Fire me.

     I’ve been there for 7 months, never gotten into trouble, never had a complaint about me from a customer or another worker. But if a new manager complains about me obviously I’m the problem and need to be fired. I’m so beyond pissed, I didn’t even show up yesterday and I’m not going to show up today.

     I just can’t believe that I’ve worked so hard for them. I always made sure that everything  was done, I stayed after my shift all the time, I clocked in early. They were just going to fire me? Leave me without a job before my wedding? I just can’t believe!


My Mom Lost Her Mind

My Mom Lost Her Mind

     I can’t believe my mother. I was perfectly fine with a courthouse wedding. She got me excited about an actual wedding, she just paid for a place for us to have our wedding. I got my dress, my sisters and mom got theirs, my flower girl (my adopted cousin) got her dress. My mother has decided, to try to invite her step mother (who threatened to punch me when I told her to not give my fiance a beer because he’s not 21 yet) and her racist uncle to my wedding. Has she completely lost her mind?! I hate both of them, why would I want them at my wedding?

     Another thing, she refused to stop my sister from inviting her boyfriend. She instead told my sister to ask me, knowing full well I’d have to say yes if I wanted to avoid a scene at my wedding. So now I’m stuck having my sister bring a boyfriend to my wedding, a guy that she’s lying about his age and barely knows. I’m praying that they break up by my wedding, don’t want some guy I don’t know to my wedding. The only reason I allowed that with my dad is because I don’t see him often, he’s now engaged to his girlfriend, and they’ve known each other since they were 9.

     I called my mom and told her she better not send her step mom and uncle an invitation. I swear she better listen or they both better say no. I don’t want to be like this but I can’t stand either of them and I don’t want them at my wedding, J doesn’t like them either, so it wouldn’t make sense to have them their for such an important day.