What The Hell

What The Hell

     It’s been close to 6 months, maybe a little over 6 months? Since I’ve had my miscarriage, I was just starting to finally move on from it, haven’t talked about it in weeks. Then yesterday at work, five separate people (who all work there but I’ve never talked to, they work in different departments) came up to me and asked me if I had my baby yet… Like it’s been 6 months, I never got big, I never missed weeks of work.

     One thing, actually two things, that really bothered me about it is that the first person to ask me was after I was there for only 10 minutes. I was working with a customer and this cashier comes up to me and goes “Hi Natalie! Have you had that baby yet?” I literally teared up and told them I had a miscarriage like 6 months ago. They looked nervous, apologized and walked away, the customer looked at me and told me that it ruined her day that they just asked me that. The second thing that bothered me? The third, maybe fourth person who asked me, after I told her I had a miscarriage, she said “oh… So they weren’t lying..” apologized, than walked away.

     Were they talking about me and my dead baby? That doesn’t even make sense, I literally only talk to a few people who work in the deli! How would they even know I was pregnant, I never showed, and it’s been 6 months! Like I said before, I never missed multiple weeks of work. They had to of known that I miscarried, it had to be just to mess with me. Sounds paranoid, I know, but this place is truly awful, I really wouldn’t put it past them.

     Am I Just not allowed to move on from this? I’m tired of feeling this empty spot in my chest… I’m supposed to be happy and excited, I’m getting married in October!!! This shouldn’t be on my mind right now; I just bought my wedding dress, I’m looking for shoes, trying to decide what to do with my hair for my wedding. Now I’m having extreme anxiety and sadness over this. I’ll get over it eventually, hopefully before the wedding and honeymoon.

Worried Yet Excited

Worried Yet Excited

      First, I haven’t found a new job yet, which is worrying me very much. I can’t stand it much longer, I’m so close to just walking out. Second, as everyone knows now, I’m getting married on October 20th!!! I’m super excited about it. I can’t wait to start a life and family with J, like everyone knows we’ve been trying for months. Well the thing is, I think I might be now. I don’t want to be pregnant at our wedding, obviously I’m not going to do anything, I want the baby, just hope I’m wrong about possibly being pregnant right now.

     I don’t know why I’m thinking about this so much right now. It’s just seems a lot like the time I was pregnant. Yesterday I ate an entire medium pizza by myself in less than an hour with absolutely no problem, I’m peeing like crazy, I’ve gained a lot of weight fast, my breast have gotten bigger.

     J seems excited about the thought of me being pregnant, he keeps putting his hands on my tummy and making comments about the changes that make it seem like I’m pregnant. I just don’t want to be big when I get married, plus I don’t really want people to think I got married because I’m pregnant. I mean it doesn’t really matter what people think of us, but I just really want it to be perfect. I didn’t really imagine being pregnant when I get married, I assumed we would have a baby before getting married or after getting married.

Wedding / Honeymoon Plans

Wedding / Honeymoon Plans

     So it’s a definite, we’re getting married on the 20th! We’re also going on our honeymoon right afterwards til the 27th! I don’t think I’ve ever been as excited as I am right now, I just can’t believe how happy and excited I am right now. On Friday I’m going with my Aunt and Mommom (grandmother) to get my marriage license since J can’t go with to get it. J has been looking at places to have our honeymoon and he’s finally decided! We’re going to Ocean City MD, which I’m excited about since I’ve never been there before.

     I just can’t believe this is finally happening, I’ve been waiting for this since our first time having sex. When he proposed I was so happy, I thought there was no way that I could ever be happier. Now I’m even happier than I was before, can’t wait until the day we’re actually getting married!

     Even with the problems we have I still can’t see myself with anyone other than him. I know that I could survive without him, I don’t need him to live, but the thing is… I don’t ever want to live without him, he makes everyday life so much better. Life with him is going to be an adventure; I can’t wait to start our lives together officially.

     I need to decide on what rings we should get, and I want to find a dress to wear. J needs to get something nice to wear to it, even if it’s at the courthouse I want us to be dressed nice. J did have a nice dress shirt but I was wearing it to work one day and when I came home he was trying to be kinky and ripped it.. So I threw it away, so that means he needs to get a new dress shirt and a pair of dress pants that actually fit him. I know I want to either get platinum or titanium for the rings, I wanted to get a matching set but there’s no way I could afford that, the cheapest one I could find was like $2000. I found two separate rings that looked a lot alike that were around $100/$200 each, so I think I’m gonna get those.

     Even though the honeymoon is J’s responsibility I was doing some research. I mean he did choose the place and all that but I did look at what to do there in October. I saw tehre’s a maze thing there on the first few days we’ll be there, I really want to do that, I like mazes a lot, it would be a lot of fun to do that with J.

 

We Set A Date

We Set A Date

     J and I have finally set a date to get married! It’s only taken us a little over a year to finally decide on a date. It’s about 3 months away from today though, October 20th! I’m really excited, we aren’t doing anything fancy, just go to the courthouse. We just decided to make it that far away so we have enough tie to plan a honeymoon, get the marriage license, and get the wedding rings.

     We’re going to see my aunt and grandmother this Sunday and I’m gonna ask one of them to go with me to get the marriage license, since J goes to work before the place opens and gets home half an hour before it closes. We live more than half an hour away from it so we’d never be able to get there on time. So we decided I’ll go get the marriage license done, then we’d do the rings together, and my mom and I will go get a dress for me to wear.

     I haven’t been this excited in a while, like… Wow, it’s finally going to happen! I’m going to a wife, and to be specific I’m going to be J’s wife! I can’t wait to be his Mrs. I’m tired of being his over glorified girlfriend, we live together, we do almost everything together. We have our whole life together planned out, what’s really been stopping us from getting married already? I can’t believe this is really happening… I just hope J does a good job planning the honeymoon.

second morning living together

second morning living together

     Even though we’ve been sleeping in the same bed together for months now, this has a different feel to it. I no longer feel the need to wake him up once I’m awake, I’m actually letting him sleep in right next to me as I write this. I’ve never really let him stay asleep after I’ve woken up except one time at my moms apartment, but that was just so I could make him breakfast. Things feel a lot more… Real? I think that’s the word, perminate fits also, well kinda.

     There’s nothing really different about our relationship. Maybe a little more comfortable with our living situation, that’s really about it. Which I think it’s funny how I gotten more comfortable so fast, especially since we’re living with his mom. His mom makes me really nervous; I think it’s because I want her to like me so badly, which is normal, since I plan on marrying her son. I actually went out into the kitchen last night by myself and made myself dinner and a snack once we got home from work and getting money for rent, phone bill, and to pay a friend. I also even got water by myself for when I woke up in the morning, since once I fall asleep my mouth usually opens and is super dry when I wake up in the morning.

     Our bedroom is looking pretty good so far, we still have to move a lot of things around and get rid of more stuff. I kept way more than I needed to, so I have to go through my stuff again and get rid of even more. Today I’ll be going through my things while J is claning out the shed and moving things into it, that’s if it ever stops raining. He also needs to clean the bathtub and some of the bathroom, I always refuse to bathe or shower here because it looks nasty. I’m not really looking forward to sharing a small bathroom with two men (his brother also lives here, his room is next to ours). His mom has her own bathroom attatched to her room, though I’m not sure if she’ll be using that one or our when her mother comes back to America to live here also, since she’ll be staying in J’s moms room and J’s mom said she’ll be staying in the livign room until her mom finds a place.

     I’m a lot happier now that we’re living together, and feel a lot more safe about the relationship. Things feel more real and perminate, like now there’s no going back, this is forever. I think it’s kind of funny I Feel this way, since it’s not like we got married, we just moved in together in his moms house. I think this is a very good sign though; I’m getting comfortable with his family now, and I’ll always have to see them once in a while once we’re married no matter where we’re living. Plus J has been saying something about getting married during this summer, so maybe we will be getting married soon; unless he’s changed his mind since I lost the baby. Who knows, we’ll find out once I find the time to bring up that conversation.

     We’re not living here perminately, just until J pays off his credit card and we save enough to get a mobile home of our own. I also want to be able to buy most, if not all the furnature when we move into our own place. It’ll take awhile since our job doesn’t allow you to be full time until you’ve worked there for like, nine months, but we’ll get there eventually. At least the jobs pay good, we each make a little more than $10 an hour. I think J kinda wants to get another job, he doesn’t really like where we work. I keep telling him to apply to places that pay the same or more but he keeps saying no; something about how working at the same place the same hours is good for us. I guess he’ll just do it once he’s pushed over the edge from some bullshit, it always happens there, no wonder so many people make fun of the place if I’m being honest. Don’t get me wrong, I love my job and I myself never really had problems with my job all that much. The only problem I really have is that they changed me to night shift, and refuse to change me back to day shift, and they never schedule enough people to close with me. I did look at other places nearby that have a deli, but none of them pay as much, and I refuse to take a paycut, they’ll eventually get their shit together so it wont be that bad.

Plans, Plans, Plans

Plans, Plans, Plans

     Lots of things are being planned out!!! J and I talked a little bit, he’s calling the owners of the apartment we’re interested in tonight and making the appointment for Saturday. We’ve also decided we want to just go elope a few weeks after we move in together, we wont really have the money for a wedding and neither of us really feel like planning one. Another thing we’re sorta planning… Our honeymoon!!! So let’s talk about each in their own category!!!

The Apartment

     This we’ve been working on the plans for a while, but I’m excited about the final decisions! We’re defiantly making the appointment for this Saturday, that way my mother can come along with us. We want her opinion and help, which I think I mentioned in a earlier post.  I’ve also seen the outside of the apartment, it’s a nice looking house that’s been remade into apartments. I’d love to live there, just have to see the inside and then talk with J, my mother, and the owner before we make a decision.

     We’ve also decided on what we’re doing for furniture since we can’t really afford to spend a lot on it. Accounting for the things we already own we’ll have one twin bed, two TV’s, a bunch of plastic bins, a dresser, and some folding chairs. When my mom moves we’ll also have, a computer, a microwave, two more twin beds, a queen sized mattress, and possibly another dresser. We decided to use the folding chairs as a couch in the living room, and the twin bed as our bed until my mother moves. Once she moves we’re going to move the twin bed into the living room and use that as a couch, then the two twin beds and queen sized mattress and use that as a bed. We’re going to save up for a couch and eventually just put the twin bed away until our baby is big enough for a normal bed.

     Oh I almost forgot, my mother said that once we move she’s going to buy herself new plates and bowls and will give us the ones she has right now. So the only few things we’ll actually need to buy for the kitchen will be utensils and a few pots and pans. Also, J has this problem with sink water, it freaks him out. So he wants to buy a water filter and a container to keep water in the refrigerator.

Wedding or Elope

     This is something we haven’t fully decided on, it’s just something we’re thinking about. It’s still in the planning phase; I think we’re leaning more towards eloping though. We’re moving in together right after we each just got a job, and I’m currently pregnant, it’s not like we really have a lot of money to be spending.We already do a lot of things with my family, his family doesn’t really talk to each other all that much. So it’s just way more convenient to just elope, and a lot smarter when it comes to money.

     Neither of us really even want a bunch of people to be there when we get married. Especially my sister D, she causes a lot of problems and if we have a wedding and don’t invite her we’ll lose a lot of support from my family. We’ll probably just ask my aunt and grandmother to come with us to go elope. They’re the absolute best when it comes to helping us out, plus their way more supportive of everything I do.

Honeymoon???

    At first we just decided to just take off work a few days and just spend some quality time home alone together, but today J was doing some research during his lunch break. We only talked about it for about 25 minutes, but we’re thinking about going to Ocean City together for a few days. We wont be able to do it right away, we’ll probably just wait until around the time the baby is due or a little while after giving birth and just take her with. He’s hoping that his one friend and his fiance will be able to go with us and help out with the cost.

     I don’t like the beach all that much but he loves it there and it is a chance to actually go on vacation together. We haven’t really gone on vacation together before except when we went camping for three days after graduating from High School. He’s really excited about the possibility and it does kind of sound fun, so if we do have enough money and have a way to go there, I’ll defiantly do it.

The Baby

     We have already chosen names for the shit that we both love, the only thing we need to do about the names is choose a nickname. I’m so excited to meet the shit, I already love them with all my heart. I’ve already started talking to her, even though her ears have just started to develop. We’ve also decided before buying anything for the baby, we’re going to see if my aunt still has the pack and play and other baby stuff that she had for her foster son I talked about a few post ago. Anything sh doesn’t have that she can give us we’re going to look at the thrift store for.

     We’ve also decided that we’re gong to ask my aunt, grandmother, cousin, and dad to take turns babysitting the shit when I go back to work after giving birth. We both would feel way more comfortable if a family member would be with them instead of a stranger. J doesn’t really trust people, and neither do I, at least not with my baby. I barely trust my cousin, but I trust her more than a stranger.