Thoughts On Our Future

Thoughts On Our Future

     Work doesn’t require me to do a lot of thinking so I kind of just go off into my own world. I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that I’ll most likely never be a mother and what that would do to J and my lives later on. Our entire relationship we’ve always talked about having kids one day, and as you guys know we were almost successful before. The thing is, now I have more information so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be trying to have kids ever again. Who knows though, maybe when we’re older they will have something that could help with my double mutation.

      We’ve talked a little bit about other options, like adopting, foster care, maybe a surrogate (we got rid of that idea real fast after reading some things about that option though). We’re pretty young so maybe our minds will change in a few years, but as of now we don’t want to adopt or do foster care. I’m honestly not even sure if we’d get approved for foster care since we both have a documented history of mental illness along with my aspergers. Maybe things will change in a few years, but that’s out decision at the moment.

      So as of right now since things look like we aren’t having kids, how do we see our lives going? Well lets talk about some of the bases, we are saving up for a mobile home; that’s kinda been the plan since the beginning but we have briefly talked about getting a house before. After getting our own mobil home we’re going to get some pets of our own, a few dogs and maybe a cat or two. I know for a fact we’re going to get a black lab, I grew up with one and it was the most sweet & loving dog I’ve ever met and I just love the breed. We might get a husky or a pug, we haven’t really decided, I defiantly want a maincoon (a type of cat that gets really big). I’m thinking about getting a turtle or fish- J has been talking about parrot fish a lot lately and I think I want to surprise him with one when we get our own place.

      I want to get at least a two bedroom mobil home, that way if we decide to have kids we wont have to find a new place, there’s already a room available. Until we have kids, or if we stick with the not having any, the second room will be a guest room. It’ll be used for our future nieces and nephews, and my little sister A (since she’s only 11 right now).

      One upside to no kids? We’ll be able to have sex where ever we want in the house. Plus I wont have to worry about J stopping the DD/LG play if we don’t have kids. Once we have our own home I’m going to try to get J to try some new BDSM stuff we haven’t tried before, or just haven’t done since we stayed in a hotel for a few days a year ago. I really want to try “humiliation” punishments once we have our own place (I’m going to bring it up on our honeymoon and possibly try it then). I’m also thinking, since we wont have kids we’ll be able to do more things together & have more money. Once J finishes paying off his debt (almost there btw!) and we live on our own we can basically do whatever we want. We’ll be able to go away on weekends (camping!) or just walk around the house naked / have sex anywhere (he can bend me over the kitchen counter and fuck me whenever he wants!).

      I’m still really upset about not being able to have kids, but at least it’s not all bad. I prefer to have kids to all this, but since it’s not really in our cards, mine as well look at the bright side.

Sister Got Uninvited From My Wedding

Sister Got Uninvited From My Wedding

    I went to visit my mom yesterday and spent the night. When she picked me up she had both my sisters (my sister D lives with dad and doesn’t visit mom much). I was kinda excited because even though I don’t like her much she’s still my sister and I love her. The first two hours went really well, we went to eat at Bob’s Evans than went to Goodwill to look for a desk for D’s bedroom at our dads.

      We didn’t find a desk but we found this really cool chair that she really liked and wanted, it looked kinda like this:

    Sorry for the awkward picture, don’t know how to save pictures on the laptop I have. Anyways, she was really good and nice. After getting into the car she just flips out calling my mom names, being nasty, hitting my mom (who was driving BTW), hit me, tried to hit our youngest sister A. She started screaming things where we could barely even understand what she was saying, crying, she was manic; it was insane.

      By the time we got to moms apartment she was calmed down, she was sitting next to me on the couch and mom was in the bathroom crying. Of course being the idiot I am I told J what was happening through text while we were still in the car, and he happened to just respond to me when she was looking at my phone. He said if she was going to continue hitting everyone he doesn’t want her at the wedding, she flipped her shit. Screaming, throwing things, kicking things, trying to attack our 12-year-old sister A, attacking mom. It was unbelievable, she was out of control, it was like she was possessed by something.

       She ended up texting J from her phone, saying some really hurtful things. Mom got her to get her stuff together to take her home; halfway out the door she turned to me and started calling me a bitch saying she didn’t want to come to my wedding. I made the mistake of responding and said “that’s fine, you’re uninvited” that PISSED her off. She threw a shampoo bottle at me, I ducked, and it hit this glass figure of an eagle that belongs to moms boyfriend (which we later found out his mom bought him right before she died).

      Mom finally got her out of the house and into the car, they left to take her home while A and I cleaned up the shattered eagle. She ended up texting me while in the car with mom, saying these nasty things about how She’s glad I can’t have kids / I don’t deserve to be a mother / hopes that if I do get pregnant I miscarry and just a bunch of stuff like that. That’s when I had enough, I blocked her number, blocked her on Facebook & instagram, and asked my cousin to be my second brides maid. I told my dad not to bring her to my wedding, told my mom she’s not allowed. J agrees with m obviously, since he’s the one who suggested it first. I mean, come on; you’re 15 years old, and acting like a 5-year-old throwing a temper tantrum absolutely ridiculous.

      Mom was gone for maybe half an hour (dad lives about half an hour away) before she called crying. D had bullied her in the car, got out at a red light and went to the side of the road after mom said something mean to her. Mom drove over to where she was on the side of the road to try to get her in the car, she ended up getting in the car, they got in another fight where D ended up hitting mom AGAIN. Think mom might have hit back once, she got back out of the car, mom locked the doors, and guess what D did. She picked up a rock and scratched up the side of moms car.

     After a few minutes mom lets her back in the car, and drove her the rest of the way to dads. She got out of the car but sat on the hood of the car screaming, demanding mom gives her all the cash in her wallet. My mom being the idiot she is didn’t call my dad down from his apartment, no, instead she just gave my sister all $14 she had. D went up to the apartment, smashed her new phone, then started texting mom from her iPod demanding she buys her a new phone. Mom shut off d’s phone service and wont respond to any of her messages, so she’s not getting her way with this. I ended up telling dad about D taking money from mom and he said next time he sees mom he’ll pay her back the $15 and he’s really sorry for how D acted.

     She’s acted up before, but this was beyond anything I’ve ever seen her do before; It was truly terrifying. If she can’t behave herself in an everyday situation I can’t trust her to behave at my wedding. So it’s final, my sister isn’t coming to my wedding, she’s not invited and will be kicked out if she shows up along with whoever brought her with. So now my cousin K and my sister A are my two brides maids, my cousin has to find a dress so we’re gonna go dress shopping on the Sunday after she gets her first paycheck from her new job.

I May Never Get Pregnant Or Carry Full-Term

I May Never Get Pregnant Or Carry Full-Term

    I’ve only ever did light reading on my double MTHFR mutation, I’ve never really read a lot about it. My mom read a lot more than I did, I really wish that I did read more… I read that it can be difficult to ever get pregnant, and if you do happen to get pregnant it’s basically guaranteed your baby will have a birth defect..

      That’s with just one MTHFR gene, I have two. So I mentioned it to my mom the other day when I saw her.. Apparently it’s next to impossible to become pregnant, and if you do get pregnant you’re most likely to have a miscarriage. Let’s say that I do get pregnant, and carry full-term; There’s no way that they’ll be born without a birth defect. If I do have a child I’m going to be giving them a life that is going to be super hard for them…. Or they’ll suffer for a few week, months, or even a few years before they die…

       Am I making the right decision trying to get pregnant? I didn’t know all this before, but now I have the information… Is it really the right thing to do? To try to get pregnant, knowing what I could be doing to our future children… I keep wondering if the baby I was pregnant with was suffering inside me, I mean I never got an ultrasound or anything, so no one ever seen it… For all I know it could’ve been in pain, I was 4 or 5 months along can’t the baby start feelings things around then? I mean I felt the baby moving around inside me for a sort while.

       I’m honestly upset about this, that’s something I’ve always wanted to have a family, have my own children…. J says he doesn’t care if we have kids or not, but he’s so good with kids and he always pretends my cousin and my sister are his kids, that’s how he’s so good with them. Kids, that’s something that’s been in J and my plans since we’ve started dating; especially since we’ve gotten engaged and the closer we get to our marriage.

Something that still really bothers me is all the people I went to school with that are already pregnant or already parents. A few of them are even younger than me and are getting pregnant and having babies. I understand that mistakes happen, and sometimes afterwards it turns out to be the best mistake of your life… But barely any of them are prepared; I’m more prepared and ready than them but yet I probably will never be able to get pregnant.. Sometimes the world really sucks and is extremely unfair. Guess I’ll just have to suck it up and deal with it..

      I haven’t told J all this yet, all I’ve told him is what I’ve decided. I’ve decided that I don’t want to adopt, don’t want to do foster care, and absolutely don’t ‘want to do surrogate. All of that is so unreliable and cost so much, I rather just not have kids than have to go through that.  There’s always pets, it wont be the same as kids, but it’s the best I could do if I don’t get pregnant and have a baby..

How I see my life with J

How I see my life with J

      I see us doing everything together, I don’t see anything like super out there. I just see us growing old together with our small family we start together.  I see us going to my youngest sisters school stuff like we already do, our favorite thing is her chours concerts; we always record them. I see us doing that with our own children one day.  

      I see us with a bunch of cats and dogs, maybe some more birds, who knows. I see our little house or double wide trailer (I’ve been trying to get him to agree to getting one once we can afford one instead of a house) decorated with pictures of us and our family, paintings, and drawings by our kids or my sister’s. 

      I see us working the way we do now; well the way he does now and the way I will be soon. Monday-Friday at a warehouse, off weekends, off on major holidays. I see family vacations, family movie/game nights, family dinners. I see us living a very family oriented life, how we both always wanted. 

        I see him always being there, never leaving us. I see having my first child with him, him being there during the birth, for all those major moments in our child’s life. I know he’s going to be a better father than mine ever was, than his father ever was. I love him more than anything, I can’t see my life without him. 

My Autism Or My Anxiety?

My Autism Or My Anxiety?

     I honestly can’t tell the difference between my autism anxiety or my regular anxiety. I am just constantly anxious about anything and everything, my chest constantly hurts, and I want to sleep during the day and be up all night. Last night I was up until 1:30 AM working on my novel, because I was to anxious to sleep. I’m extremely freaked out about all this change that’s happening.

  • New job
  • Getting Married
  • Not living with my mom
  • My dad trying to be in my life

    Some of these things aren’t even new, I’m just now starting to deal with them. I have no idea why I’m so anxious about all this, most of it is actually really good. I should be happy and excited, not sitting here having trouble with sleeping, nauseous and everything else.

     All this anxiety is probably because of my autism. I mean why else would I be having this much anxiety over change. Regular people don’t get this messed up over change. Hopefully all this will go away soon, the anxiety I mean.

     I keep repeating my safe numbers in my head and trying to remind myself that I’m real. Though I don’t feel very real, like this is all a dream, or I’m a ghost that took over a body. Maybe that’s why I can’t remember most things from before middle school.


Goodbye Wal-Mart

Goodbye Wal-Mart

     So I went to hand in my notice on Saturday, and guess what happened? The manager already hired my replacement… Before I knew if I had to job or not. Want to know why? Because the new Deli manager told the manager that I’ve been being nasty to her and refusing to do anything she asks me to. Guess what they were about to do to me. Fire me.

     I’ve been there for 7 months, never gotten into trouble, never had a complaint about me from a customer or another worker. But if a new manager complains about me obviously I’m the problem and need to be fired. I’m so beyond pissed, I didn’t even show up yesterday and I’m not going to show up today.

     I just can’t believe that I’ve worked so hard for them. I always made sure that everything  was done, I stayed after my shift all the time, I clocked in early. They were just going to fire me? Leave me without a job before my wedding? I just can’t believe!


My Mom Lost Her Mind

My Mom Lost Her Mind

     I can’t believe my mother. I was perfectly fine with a courthouse wedding. She got me excited about an actual wedding, she just paid for a place for us to have our wedding. I got my dress, my sisters and mom got theirs, my flower girl (my adopted cousin) got her dress. My mother has decided, to try to invite her step mother (who threatened to punch me when I told her to not give my fiance a beer because he’s not 21 yet) and her racist uncle to my wedding. Has she completely lost her mind?! I hate both of them, why would I want them at my wedding?

     Another thing, she refused to stop my sister from inviting her boyfriend. She instead told my sister to ask me, knowing full well I’d have to say yes if I wanted to avoid a scene at my wedding. So now I’m stuck having my sister bring a boyfriend to my wedding, a guy that she’s lying about his age and barely knows. I’m praying that they break up by my wedding, don’t want some guy I don’t know to my wedding. The only reason I allowed that with my dad is because I don’t see him often, he’s now engaged to his girlfriend, and they’ve known each other since they were 9.

     I called my mom and told her she better not send her step mom and uncle an invitation. I swear she better listen or they both better say no. I don’t want to be like this but I can’t stand either of them and I don’t want them at my wedding, J doesn’t like them either, so it wouldn’t make sense to have them their for such an important day.