Improving Myself?

Improving Myself?

   All my life I hated how I look but I never really do anything about it. The best I ever felt was when I had a Mohawk in middle school / beginning of high school, because I constantly did my hair (making it so it would stick up or coloring it) and I wore make up. It was dark make up (all black, don’t judge my emo teenage self lol), but it was still make up. Even though I was going through anorexia, I still felt good about myself at the same time because I was putting some effort into my looks (the hair and make up).

   The thing is, I’ve stopped doing both. I either have my hair up in a messy bun, or just laying flat. I threw away all my make up (it was really old, from my freshman year of high school) except the lip stick I wore on my wedding day since I had just bought it that day. I feel like a mess all the time and I always feel so unattractive, and contrary to what my husband thinks, it’s not because other peoples reactions or anything. No one ever complimented or insulted my looks except saying I looked really pretty in my wedding dress. I honestly couldn’t care less what other people thought of me, it’s myself that’s concerned about this.

    I want to see myself as pretty, I was to do my hair and make up like other girls, I feel really feminine lately. I’d also like to wear dresses more often once it gets warm outside. I want more feminine clothes, not just t-shirts and jeans all the time. Thing is, I don’t know how to go about it all.. I’ve never been very good with hair & make-up; and I’m TERRIBLE at matching clothes together, which is a part of autism. Sometimes I really hate my autism because it makes it harder for me to be like other normal girls. I mean, I’m in my 20’s, have no actual friends other than my husband… I’m not good at making friends, but I desperately want them. I keep telling J he needs to ask his friend if him and his fiancé would like to go on a double date sometime that way I can be friends with her (assuming we’ll get along).

   I think that I want to get new eye liner & mascara (that’s the only thing I know how to put on) and maybe some lipstick. I want to see myself as pretty for once in my life. I’m actually at a pretty healthy weight, but I just… The rest of me doesn’t look very good and I have the urge to stop eating again, even though I still want to gain some more weight. I keep thinking, maybe if I work on my appearance more and find myself more attractive I’ll eat more healthy and gain more weight so that I’m actually healthy. Plus maybe if I work on myself more I’ll feel less depressed. I always feel like I’m not good enough or that I’m just lazy. I don’t want to feel lazy and not good enough, I should make more of an effort.

   I mean I know I work in a warehouse and all, that not many people aren’t going to see me. It’s not about other people though it’s about me, like I haven’t even gotten my hair trimmed since before our wedding and the ends of my hair is all fuzzy and damaged. Plus half of my hair is still light brown from when I dyed it a year ago, since it’s taking forever to grow out and I don’t want to cut my hair short again. I want it to stay long, my ultimate goal is to be able to put all my hair into one long braid. I love how braids look but the most I can do is two braids into pigtails or multiple small braids. Plus I’m regretting the bangs I got wwwaaayyyy before our wedding, they’re just taking forever to grow out. They can now be pushed to the side and just looks like I had layers or something but it’s still noticeable sometimes.

   I just need to work on me more… Need to learn how to do that also, I’m super tired of feeling like this. I usually don’t feel so strongly, might be a part of my seasonal depression. Plus it doesn’t help that I’ve been feeling extra bad about the miscarriages and the possibility that I can never have children….

   Plus I’ve been wanting to dye my hair again, maybe red or black.. I really want to do blue or something but J’s mother would NOT be okay with that and since I live with her I have to keep it normal unless I never want to hear the end of it. Just like I have to wait until we move out to get the nose piercing I want and to get the tattoo of the ED recovery symbol with a butterfly on my wrist. Which is irritating, since I pay her $500 but whatever. I’ll get it eventually, and I could get it if I wanted but I know it would come with a lecture and me being super irritated and J and I would end up getting into a fight. So it’s better to wait for those things. But honestly I want red or black hair again, I always looked really nice with it but I can’t decide which I want and I don’t know if J would even like how it would look on me and I do care what he thinks. I haven’t brought up dying my hair to him, because I’m not fully sure if I want to, it’s just been something I’ve been thinking about the last few weeks. Plus it would suck if I changed my mind about it afterwords because I would have to wait for it to grow back out.

   The only thing I’m fully sure I want right now is to start doing my hair in the morning and maybe a little make up. So I’m going to start working on that, and I’m going to keep thinking about the dying my hair thing until I’m 1000% sure it’s what I want.

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Frustration & confusion

Frustration & confusion

    J and I talk about it all the time yet I still can’t get over it. I’m missing being little and submissive again. He hasn’t been keeping up with it, I feel guilty for bringing it up. I know he’s told me before he’s not interested in it but I still want to do, hell, I need it. I need to be little and to be submissive, it’s a part of me, I crave it and it honestly affects my mood when I’m not.

    I know I might sound kind of like a child right now but honestly I just feel neglected. I’m always doing things to make him happy even if it makes me uncomfortable and I don’t enjoy it. He can barely ever tell that I’m just doing it for him, yet he doesn’t do the same for me, and he makes it obvious he’s not enjoying himself when he does do something for me. If I can do it for you why can’t you do it for me?

    The first few months of our relationship he was into it, I got into this relationship under the pretenses that he was into DD/LG & BDSM. It’s not like I want it to be 24/7, I just want it once in a while to satisfy me. Sometimes I just feel like I’m not good enough and I get really depressed. I just really want him to be in daddy space and not make me feel bad for it. I don’t understand why he’s changed his mind on it suddenly and acts like he was never into it. He used to get really into it, just one day he decided he didn’t.

    He claims he feels drained whenever he lets me be in little space and he participates. Thing is, he barely does anything, he mostly just watches me. That’s not what I need… I need him to be involved, I don’t know how to explain exactly what I want him to do, I just want / need it. I try so hard to be a good girl for him, and I’m just not getting what I need back. Now I love J, he’s my best friend and my husband. Sometimes though… When I’m feeling like this… I kind of wish I didn’t enter this relationship or that he was different. That might not be the right way to word it exactly, because I love him with all my heart and soul, I can’t picture my life without him. I just wish he was more involved, that he would try harder for me. I feel like he’s given up on trying to make me happy now that we’re married.

   I just… Sometimes I wonder if he doesn’t like it because he doesn’t know enough about it. He keeps saying something about feeling like he has to literally take care of me. I tried explaining it to him but I feel like I’m either not good at explaining it or he’s just not listening to me. If only he would do research on it so he could try to do something that would actually make me happy and cause a lot less friction between us. I mean, it’s the least he can do since he’s the reason we’re stuck living with his mother, which I hate with every fiber of my being. I tried sending him links to information on DD/LG & BDSM lifestyles but I know he didn’t actually read them because he couldn’t remember a single thing from those articles. It’s really not that hard to make me somewhat happy, I’m already miserable right now, why not do something simple like this to improve things for us?

   I kind of want him to read this post because I’ve noticed if it’s something I’ve written and / or shared with other people he’s more likely to do what I said. I don’t want to tell him to read it or send him a link to it though because I feel like he’ll probably feel like I’m trying to start a fight or something. I have done it a few times lately, but only because I’m miserable and he’s not making anything easy on me lately.

    I don’t know how I ended up being so deeply in love with someone who isn’t like me all that much. I’ve noticed since we’ve gotten married that we both have different needs when it comes to affection and validation. I’m very needy when it comes to both, whereas he doesn’t need it or seem to really want it. It really upsets me, especially when I’m feeling like this. I feel really hurt a lot lately, I kind of feel like he’s doing it all on purpose, which I’m sure is just me being a little over dramatic. Again, I would never leave him, I’m still happy being with him. It’s more of just we’re having trouble communicating on top of everything else at the moment. We were doing really good with communication for a long time but lately we’ve been having trouble with it for some reason. I have a slight feeling it might because I’m so wound up about the DD/LG \ BDSM & living situation that he’s just not listening because I’m so tense and been acting out because of it. I need to really work on that, it’s not helping our relationship at all and I don’t want to hurt our relationship.

   I want us to have a happy & healthy relationship, it’s just really hard when it feels like I’m the only one making compromises lately. Plus it just feels like he isn’t putting effort in us right now. He mentioned once that he just feels really comfortable with our relationship (though I don’t see how when we’re having all these problems right now), It’s not like I’m hiding all this from him, I’ve brought it up multiple times; he might just not realize how serious it is… I don’t know how to get it into his thick skull how serious it is though. I’ve tried a lot of different things and nothing seems to be working, not even trying to demand it, he doesn’t seem to take me seriously.

   I just want things to be better, I don’t like feeling like this. I can’t wait for us to have our own place. It’s hard to have serious discussions that are touchy subjects, I’m always worried his mom or brother is going to hear us and I really hate it when they know what’s going on. I don’t hate them, I just can’t stand living with them. I just need my own space with J but we can’t do that until he has his license, even though he drives without it, his brother wont let him take the care until he has it. He just needs to finish his drive times with driving school before he can actually get his license. I honestly don’t care if we have to get an apartment, I don’t want to live here anymore. I’ve told him that too, I’m not waiting until we can get a mobile home (assuming that I can’t get a loan or something) I’m just waiting until he has his license then we’re out of here.

Thoughts On Our Future

Thoughts On Our Future

     Work doesn’t require me to do a lot of thinking so I kind of just go off into my own world. I’ve been thinking a lot about the fact that I’ll most likely never be a mother and what that would do to J and my lives later on. Our entire relationship we’ve always talked about having kids one day, and as you guys know we were almost successful before. The thing is, now I have more information so I’m pretty sure I’m not going to be trying to have kids ever again. Who knows though, maybe when we’re older they will have something that could help with my double mutation.

      We’ve talked a little bit about other options, like adopting, foster care, maybe a surrogate (we got rid of that idea real fast after reading some things about that option though). We’re pretty young so maybe our minds will change in a few years, but as of now we don’t want to adopt or do foster care. I’m honestly not even sure if we’d get approved for foster care since we both have a documented history of mental illness along with my aspergers. Maybe things will change in a few years, but that’s out decision at the moment.

      So as of right now since things look like we aren’t having kids, how do we see our lives going? Well lets talk about some of the bases, we are saving up for a mobile home; that’s kinda been the plan since the beginning but we have briefly talked about getting a house before. After getting our own mobil home we’re going to get some pets of our own, a few dogs and maybe a cat or two. I know for a fact we’re going to get a black lab, I grew up with one and it was the most sweet & loving dog I’ve ever met and I just love the breed. We might get a husky or a pug, we haven’t really decided, I defiantly want a maincoon (a type of cat that gets really big). I’m thinking about getting a turtle or fish- J has been talking about parrot fish a lot lately and I think I want to surprise him with one when we get our own place.

      I want to get at least a two bedroom mobil home, that way if we decide to have kids we wont have to find a new place, there’s already a room available. Until we have kids, or if we stick with the not having any, the second room will be a guest room. It’ll be used for our future nieces and nephews, and my little sister A (since she’s only 11 right now).

      One upside to no kids? We’ll be able to have sex where ever we want in the house. Plus I wont have to worry about J stopping the DD/LG play if we don’t have kids. Once we have our own home I’m going to try to get J to try some new BDSM stuff we haven’t tried before, or just haven’t done since we stayed in a hotel for a few days a year ago. I really want to try “humiliation” punishments once we have our own place (I’m going to bring it up on our honeymoon and possibly try it then). I’m also thinking, since we wont have kids we’ll be able to do more things together & have more money. Once J finishes paying off his debt (almost there btw!) and we live on our own we can basically do whatever we want. We’ll be able to go away on weekends (camping!) or just walk around the house naked / have sex anywhere (he can bend me over the kitchen counter and fuck me whenever he wants!).

      I’m still really upset about not being able to have kids, but at least it’s not all bad. I prefer to have kids to all this, but since it’s not really in our cards, mine as well look at the bright side.

Weight Gain

Weight Gain

     The last week I have just been laying around at home watching TV and eating. I quit my job at wal-mart and didn’t go back because they were gonna fire me anyways, and since I don’t start my new job until the 11th I decided to have myself a little break. Well I finally gained the weight, I’m only 5 pounds away from what I want to weigh.

      The thing is I’m a little worried that I wont fit into my dress on my wedding day. I only perfectly fit into my wedding dress when I was 127.8 pounds, now I’m 130.4 pounds. Kinda worried I wont fit into my dress, but god I love how I look right now, I’m a lot bigger than I’ve ever been. J seems more into me since I’ve gained the weight; which I absolutely love.

        Even though I still have those disordered thoughts, I absolutely love this feeling I have at this weight. The only thing is, I know once I start my new job I’ll lose some of the weight because I’ll be moving around a lot. I’ll just have to eat more food to keep up my weight.

I May Never Get Pregnant Or Carry Full-Term

I May Never Get Pregnant Or Carry Full-Term

    I’ve only ever did light reading on my double MTHFR mutation, I’ve never really read a lot about it. My mom read a lot more than I did, I really wish that I did read more… I read that it can be difficult to ever get pregnant, and if you do happen to get pregnant it’s basically guaranteed your baby will have a birth defect..

      That’s with just one MTHFR gene, I have two. So I mentioned it to my mom the other day when I saw her.. Apparently it’s next to impossible to become pregnant, and if you do get pregnant you’re most likely to have a miscarriage. Let’s say that I do get pregnant, and carry full-term; There’s no way that they’ll be born without a birth defect. If I do have a child I’m going to be giving them a life that is going to be super hard for them…. Or they’ll suffer for a few week, months, or even a few years before they die…

       Am I making the right decision trying to get pregnant? I didn’t know all this before, but now I have the information… Is it really the right thing to do? To try to get pregnant, knowing what I could be doing to our future children… I keep wondering if the baby I was pregnant with was suffering inside me, I mean I never got an ultrasound or anything, so no one ever seen it… For all I know it could’ve been in pain, I was 4 or 5 months along can’t the baby start feelings things around then? I mean I felt the baby moving around inside me for a sort while.

       I’m honestly upset about this, that’s something I’ve always wanted to have a family, have my own children…. J says he doesn’t care if we have kids or not, but he’s so good with kids and he always pretends my cousin and my sister are his kids, that’s how he’s so good with them. Kids, that’s something that’s been in J and my plans since we’ve started dating; especially since we’ve gotten engaged and the closer we get to our marriage.

Something that still really bothers me is all the people I went to school with that are already pregnant or already parents. A few of them are even younger than me and are getting pregnant and having babies. I understand that mistakes happen, and sometimes afterwards it turns out to be the best mistake of your life… But barely any of them are prepared; I’m more prepared and ready than them but yet I probably will never be able to get pregnant.. Sometimes the world really sucks and is extremely unfair. Guess I’ll just have to suck it up and deal with it..

      I haven’t told J all this yet, all I’ve told him is what I’ve decided. I’ve decided that I don’t want to adopt, don’t want to do foster care, and absolutely don’t ‘want to do surrogate. All of that is so unreliable and cost so much, I rather just not have kids than have to go through that.  There’s always pets, it wont be the same as kids, but it’s the best I could do if I don’t get pregnant and have a baby..

A Letter To My Father

A Letter To My Father

      I’m going to start off this by letting you know you’ve been a really big loser for the last 8 or 9 years. You were a good dad before the drugs and everything, and I do see your progress, you’re trying really hard. I know it’s always been hard for you to show your interest and to care about other people, you’re diagnosed with bipolar, a sociopath (AKA antisocial personality disorder), narcissist.

        There’s only a few things I still can’t stand about you. I’m so proud of you for doing so well lately, not doing drugs, trying to show interest in my sisters and my life, taking my one sister in your home when mom can’t do the right thing for her. Though I can’t stand that you take every chance you get to trash talk mom, don’t you realize that you were abusive to her my entire life? Sure she’s kind of bitch, but you’re no better.

      Even with all the bad things in the past you’re probably my favorite parent. Even though you weren’t there for me most of my life, you’re here now and you don’t judge me like mom always have. You believe in me, you want my life to go the way I want it to, you don’t try to set up a timeline for my life like mom tries to.

       Remember when I was younger, before you started doing drugs and everything? I was such a daddy’s girl, I got all excited whenever you would come home from work. Sometimes mom would take me to your work site during your lunch when you used to put insolation in houses. I hated when you did drugs and wouldn’t show any interest in me or my sisters.

A Letter To My Mother

A Letter To My Mother

      I know you did the best you can mom. I love you for that, because of you I finally got to go to a school with people who were nicer. I finally made friends and met my soon to be husband. You raised three kids by yourself most of your life as a mother, you’re just now getting help. Sure you had a little help from your sister when we lived with her, but not really.

      Now you know I love you, but I can’t really stand you as a person. You have been abusive to me my entire life and not my sisters, whenever I bring it up you say it’s because you can’t handle my autism. You used to hit me, well you still hit me when I visit. You yell at me calling me lazy, threatening to shut my phone off (even though I give her to money a week early every month), saying I’m stupid. Than when I tell my aunt or fiance you tell them I’m making things up, thus making my aunt think I’m lying and making my fiance hate you more and more.

      Oh and let’s not forget about how you treated me when you lost your food stamps because I turned 18. I did have a job at the beginning, and you made me buy my own food, and I wasn’t allowed to eat anything you bought except for what you made for dinner. Remember when you made me quit my job because I was about to start college and you said I wasn’t allowed to work nights which is what I would’ve been doing. I didn’t have money, you haven’t gone shopping in two weeks, we were out of food. You decided to go out to eat instead of going shopping, I wasn’t allowed to go unless I could pay for myself. Guess who didn’t eat that night?

       You kept us in an abusive household for 15 years. Think it was good for my sisters and I to see all that? I ended up in abusive relationships, my sister D sleeps around because she desperately wants a man to love her, my sister A? She has the worse anxiety I’ve ever seen. It’s worse than mine sometimes, who knew that was possible.

       Don’t get me wrong mom, I still love you. I just don’t like you personally, but you’re still my mother and I love you. I mean you’re doing better now, You finally let D move in with dad, who’s finally got his life together, and who’s better for D than you are. You got my sister A into a good school, in a way better area than where we’ve been living. She actually has her own room, your boyfriend is always home to watch her, when he’s not home you take her to my aunts so she’s never home alone.

       You’re just a piece of work as my aunt would say.